HappyLove Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) Seems you've been very naive in this relationship, exactly what he wanted with a 19 yr old. Over 5 years you haven't even met much family! He could have kids and a wife out there for all you know! You already know he's capable of lying. He's probably been keeping you away from his family for FIVE YEARS for some shocking reasons too! What reason did he give for lying so long? Edited August 11, 2014 by HappyLove 3
Standard-Fare Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 At the very least, I think you two need to take a break. Tell him that he's really shaken up your sense of trust and you need some time to think about this. He needs to recognize that this is a HUGE deal and potentially the end for him. He won't understand the severity of it if you just forgive him and continue with the relationship as is. I'd also tell him that now is the time for him to come clean about any other mistruths he may be hiding. If you two do decide to move forward in the future, you need to have all your facts straight. 3
Eivuwan Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I think you should date someone your own age who treats you like crap since age is the only thing that matters in order to be happy. What's with the hostility? It's not just the age issue. It's also blatantly lying for 5 years. 1
ascendotum Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I think you should date someone your own age who treats you like crap since age is the only thing that matters in order to be happy. Its a fairly fundamental lie to carry on with for so long. I can see why he did it, so that a 19 yr old would not be freaked out over the age difference and he could be in a relationship with her. I'm not saying its a good reason, but I understand his motives. Really though, until the OP found out for all intents & purposes she was enjoying a good relationship with him. The 14 yr age difference did not kill the attraction, shared interests, communication, and fun times together. While she might hate the thought of dating an older dude, seemed he pulled it off pretty well. I don't know how long he thought he was going to pull this off for though before the **** hit the fan. I have a friend who did something similar to this. The girl thought he was quite a bit younger than he was. He went with her guess and thought it was just going to be a ons, which she jumped on him. He made a good impression and she wanted to keep seeing him, so they ended up in a easy going LTR. He treated her well and vice versa. At the point where she was getting more serious and inviting him over for family dinners he wanted to bail before he hurt her feelings with the deception. He broke up with her and she never found out. The irony was in some convo they had near the end, she said there is no way she could ever date a guy as old as her dad. My friend was few yrs younger...yet there she was very happily pursuing him from the first night. I'm not saying 'hey deception pays off' just that the 'eeeeew age difference' was more tied to a social stigma than reality in that case, and also with this case it seems. 2
TAV Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Seems you've been very naive in this relationship, exactly what he wanted with a 19 yr old. Over 5 years you haven't even met much family! He could have kids and a wife out there for all you know! You already know he's capable of lying. He's probably been keeping you away from his family for FIVE YEARS for some shocking reasons too! What reason did he give for lying so long? Yep, my thoughts too. He made a real effort trying to keep you away from his family. Of course because someone would have blabbed about his real age (his siblings probably would not tell you he was the Benjamin of the family) but who knows if this was the only reason he kept you away from them. He could indeed be hiding an ex and several kids. Or a jail sentence. Or a serious debt. Just think about how this man woke up and got to sleep every day (probably next to you) knowing that his SO would find out one day that he had been keeping this big thing from her. What kind of person does that make him? I can promise you, girl, that you will be looking over your shoulder the rest of your life, wondering what else will pop up. 1
gaius Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Like you've never lied to him about anything destiny. =/
writergal Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 (edited) There is more than one lie out there.. you have to lie to coverup lies.. so he has told you more than one and on more than one occasion when you asked him again. Get out now... this guy is baaaaadddddd news... if he had come clean a few months after you started dating then I'd be all for second chance territory but 5 years.. my gosh.. he is pathological. The issue becomes now that you know and you give him a second chance and there is more or he tells more lies.. like being married before or something then you look like the fool and not him. I'm in the dump camp, I would have certainly dumped a girl for lying like that..in fact I did dump a girl for being caught in lies but we only dated 6months +1. ' A guy who lies about his age, lies to cover up more lies. I went through that experience with a guy who lied about his age. Seems like no big deal on the surface, but it is. It's a huge deal. If a guy lies about his age, you have to ask yourself what else he's lying about to you? Probably a lot, is my guess. I'm also in the dump-him-now camp. If a guy lies to me about anything he's history. Edited August 12, 2014 by writergal 1
iiiii Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 The age difference isn't the biggie to me - although I do think it's extreme. However, the lying is a problem. Good relationships aren't based on lies. He's basically tricked you into dating him, and only revealed the truth about who he really is once you became emotionally invested. That would worry me, if I were you. 1
Astrolink Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 How is your relationship otherwise? It's clear why he didn't tell you...just look at the response from EVERY poster. This wouldn't be a deal breaker in itself for me. 1
Astrolink Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 The lie seems insignificant compare when I look at how both genders are cheating at rate of about 50% and the amount of lying that goes with that. Men and women lie constantly to each other. It's a matter of where you draw the line. As a man, do I tell my spouse she's getting fat....when she really is? When she asks about sexual performance, do I tell her about the women that were so much better in past? Of course not......we LIE to not hurt people or jeopardize our relationships.
truth_seeker Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 Similar thing happened to a family member. Guy she was dating lied about his education the whole time they were together (5 years). She found out and confronted him. He admitted he had lied only because he felt embarrassed that he only went to HS. She broke it off immediately. It was hard because she invested five years of her life with this guy, but she couldn't look at him the same after she found out he was lying the whole time. OP - the guy lied to you from the get go and continued this lie through out. If he can lie to you and be okay with it, then he will feel okay lying to you about other things. You have to end it. You can't trust this guy at all. 2
littleplanet Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 aw shucks. men lie about their age women lie about their weight and every age is a stereotype. And in this world today are giant herds of 19 year-olds who would be all over 34 year-olds like dirty shirts.... (it just depends on what the attraction is) or 24-38 year-olds, take yer pick. (established? careered? moneyed, monetized, material-saturated and mature) But of course. The difference is knowing up front. OP - your intitial gut instinct is either the one you follow, or you don't. Only you really know what causes your misgivings, either way. We all get yap-happy in here while you need some discussion with the MIQ (man in question.) The big LIE represents loose moral fiber, or it doesn't. (only your hairdresser knows of sure) But yeah....if the thought of his fast-approaching wrinkles is a huge turnoff, then you can't ignore that, can you? We know nothing about him. We have no clues, evidence, forensic psychological evaluations to make considered judgements. Just snappy reactions. If he's a cad and a heel through and through, absolutely pickled in deceit, then your answer should be obvious. If not....then wrack up the balances and weights and see what comes out in the wash.
Under The Radar Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 There is lying by commission (saying he was 9 years younger on day one) and lying by omission (the 4 years and 364 days after they met where he chose not to disclose his REAL age). Yes, he has been lying for 5 years and used dishonesty to solidify a relationship with a teenager ...... that's bad mojo in my book. DTMFA 3
ascendotum Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 It affects every aspect of his life and then I won't even mention the amount of stress, staying on his toes to make sure he does not mess up, must have been a factor. What kind of person does this? I'd not be able to sleep at night having all that going on in my life. It makes their whole life together a lie. I agree lying about 9 yrs is more stressful than say 2 yrs, but disagree that its harder than adding on 9 yrs to your age where you have to fill on the blanks for 9 yrs rather than just chop 9yrs of your past out of any discussion. I guess he passed a point were he decided it was going to look too bad to confess but how the hell he thought he was going to keep pulling this off in a serious relationship IDK. He should have enjoyed it for a couple of yrs then broke up. I disagree that it means their whole life together was a lie. The issue of his age is not going to be coming up too often. In my relationship for instance talk about age has cropped up only a couple of times in brief convos in the last year. For this couple it still means all the good times they shared together are still the same good memories. They were together for 5 yrs so she obviously he was being a good bf. I guess its kind of like saying you are a greeting card salesman but really a secret agent. The person is still the same person who loves you, but there is the shock that this person is not the quite the same as who you thought they were. I'm not saying it just some minor white lie, its a big one but I disagree with the trend on posts on LS that say when men tell a lie,it just means its the tip of the ice berg. 1
FitChick Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 If he was her age but lied and told her he was poor and it turned out he was rich, I guess that means he should be dumped. If you lie about your income you will lie about everything, right? The only red flag the OP didn't see waving right in her face was dating someone for five years but never meeting his family, friends or progressing the relationship to marriage talk. If they were the same age, this would still be the main problem.
Eivuwan Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 If he was her age but lied and told her he was poor and it turned out he was rich, I guess that means he should be dumped. If you lie about your income you will lie about everything, right? The only red flag the OP didn't see waving right in her face was dating someone for five years but never meeting his family, friends or progressing the relationship to marriage talk. If they were the same age, this would still be the main problem. Age is a very different matter than money. It's a fact that the maturity level between a 19 year old and a 34 year old is generally very large. Hence, by lying about his age, he is taking advantage of a 19 year old's naivety. The relationship was build on an unequal power distribution. 2
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