Peacock_Tail Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) After ten months your husband wants to send her a letter to let her know that everything was a lie and to kill any kind of hope she could have ... when all that he should be doing is rebuilding your trust and taking care of you. Sounds like a pretty selfish things to do in my opinion. She most likely doesn't care at all about him and your relationship. All the best to you but he has to change a lot, he sounds like a pretty self absorbed guy. Edited August 11, 2014 by Peacock_Tail 2
snappytomcat Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 gollumsnightmare,I would suggest you just leave it be,its been 10 months you and your husband have moved on together,and I bet the xow is finally at a point where she has moved on,and I think contacting her now,even if its coming from a good place,and not revenge,that it will just cause her more pain,just leave her be,and enjoy your husband,i think contacting her too can backfire and open a can of worms 1
goodyblue Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I've never broken up with a guy and then, ten months later, wanted to write them a letter to explain why the break up occurred. This is no different. If she wanted to hear from him, she'd seek him out. She isn't. If your guy does... what is the real reason? This one seems fishy.
Author GollumsNightmare Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Its not fishy. The idea of the letter came about because we were talking about how the affair was such a fantasy, not based in reality. The hard fought reality we have come to in the last year is so different than what she believed at the end. It seemed like a good idea to tell her to sever any idea of remaining connecting cords but I can see from the comments that we were wrong. We will definitely leave her alone and not send the letter. It was not our intention to inflict pain and it seems like it would so NC it is. 2
travelbug1996 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 There's still no guarantee that your husband won't break and have another affair. A letter won't set that in stone. I would leave her be. Live your life.
jnel921 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Reconciliation and rebuilding your M is about you two. The MOW should be history. The less she knows the better. She may want to know the progress of your R. But honestly its not her place or business. I am happy that you both have made progress and are heading towards happiness. But that happiness should not include last words, letters or anything else to her. It makes her more important than she is. If she does not hear from either of you then she is correct to assume that you are doing well. 2
Author GollumsNightmare Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 That says it all. Thanks.
woinlove Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 No, the MOW's H does not know. He is a violent kind of guy and the decision was made by me not to tell him. H wants to tell him and apologize. He has attempted it three times by driving to the house but MOW and her H were not home. We really did not want to do this as revenge. Simply closure. She has not been totally NC, she has been by our house many times unnecessarily. We thought if she knew the true status of where things stand instead of the abrupt ending fog talk it would help. I see we were wrong. I appreciate your advice. The intent was not to hurt anyone. There has been enough hurt to all of us already. With her H not knowing about the A, all the more reason to stay NC and not send a letter that she is unlikely to take at face value. But I see you've already absorbed the advice of sticking to NC. As for her going by your home, if you can ignore this, then I think that is best. Any contact, even asking her to stop, could easily make it worse. With time and no acknowledgement, this should drop off eventually. 2
Mycatsnuggles Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 This may seem petty and childish but it is the reality of the social network we live in today. Publicly post a "date night" or some other happy generic event on FB. If she is browsing seeing a post of your mutual happiness relay your message without engaging her AND give the added bonus of being marriage affirming. Love each other and move beyond the past. Someone questioned my comment on how the vindictive BS looks bad, this was my husbands comment to me. Don't make the AP more important then they were. This is about you and your H.
Hope Shimmers Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 This may seem petty and childish but it is the reality of the social network we live in today. Publicly post a "date night" or some other happy generic event on FB. If she is browsing seeing a post of your mutual happiness relay your message without engaging her AND give the added bonus of being marriage affirming. Love each other and move beyond the past. Someone questioned my comment on how the vindictive BS looks bad, this was my husbands comment to me. Don't make the AP more important then they were. This is about you and your H. If the goal is not to make the AP "more important then they are", then why post something on Facebook? That is just game-playing. Best to just forget about it and move forward. Waste no more effort on it. 1
Author GollumsNightmare Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 I understand the FB suggestion. FB posts gave me short term highs for awhile. i decided it was best for me in the end to block her and her family. I post now for our family and friends. If she wants to see it I suppose she can make up another account that I havent blocked but that means she is pain shopping and that is not my fault. I keep everything pretty locked down.
Lostinlife4now Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 My husband and I are trying to turn a corner on our marriage. We have done the work for the last ten months to recover from his 2 month plus affair with a MOW coworker. In that time we have gone through counseling and months of gut wrenching dissection of where our 30 year marriage went wrong. It was not just his affair. There was infidelity on both sides which led to depression, apathy, rejection, and living lonely separate lives. We are at a point where the truth is out, on both sides. It is a huge relief and we want to move forward with the rest of our life, happy and united. We have not been this close, honest, open, united and happy in decades. My H met with the MOW after the traumatic DDay to "let her down easy". He told her he had an item to always remember her by. He told her he meant the things he said to her during the affair but he was going to stay in his marriage and be the best husband he could be. Etc, etc. Now that he is out of his fog and has gone through counseling he can see the future talk and the things he said about me to try to justify the affair were wrong and he doesnt want to leave all of that hanging out there and keeping hope alive. He doesnt want her to think he is just staying in an awful marriage out of guilt. He would like to send a letter to the MOW to gently put a closure to all of that so she would know there is no future. That there is no reason to think something may happen again. That the things he talked about were part of a fantasy world he was caught up in when he was going through a deep depression and he was being a general dumbass. What do you think? Would you want to get such a letter to put an honest closure to things? We plan to remarry next month, to start a new beginning. I read so often on here that the OW is waiting for the MM to contact them again. They imagine that the MM is miserable and staying in the marriage for the kids or money or because he has to "take care of BW", etc. Would you rather know the truth, gently - not to throw it in your face in any way, just to move honestly forward in life? NOPE.... I am a FOW...and a BS....and let me tell you....if XMM sent me a letter telling me that 5 years was all a fantasy and not reality...I would BLOW....and now they are working on their marriage and love for one another...(Yes....and I wonder whom he is thinking about when the two of you are having sex?) then I would let him and her just have it. Yes, I do have a temper at times, Italian....whether that makes a difference or not, I would tell him to shove the letter where the sun don't shine. LEAVE HER ALONE....Please.....
Author GollumsNightmare Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 Two months. Not 5 years. Married 30 years. Jeesh.
Author GollumsNightmare Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 Lostinlife... Quote: NOPE.... I am a FOW...and a BS....and let me tell you....if XMM sent me a letter telling me that 5 years was all a fantasy and not reality...I would BLOW....and now they are working on their marriage and love for one another......and I wonder whom he is thinking about when the two of you are having sex?) then I would let him and her just have it. Yes, I do have a temper at times, Italian....whether that makes a difference or not, I would tell him to shove the letter where the sun don't shine. LEAVE HER ALONE....Please..... What a crappy response. Maybe if you read the thread you would know I already made the decision to not send a letter because of earlier responses from other BS and OW alike. The intent was never to hurt her, but evidently your intent was to hurt ME with your snarkiness. Maybe if you read Fellini's post you would better understand what I was trying to say.
woinlove Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 NOPE.... I am a FOW...and a BS....and let me tell you....if XMM sent me a letter telling me that 5 years was all a fantasy and not reality...I would BLOW....and now they are working on their marriage and love for one another...(Yes....and I wonder whom he is thinking about when the two of you are having sex?) then I would let him and her just have it. Yes, I do have a temper at times, Italian....whether that makes a difference or not, I would tell him to shove the letter where the sun don't shine. LEAVE HER ALONE....Please..... Were you involved in an affair for 5 years? In OP's case, the MOW was involved for 2 months. Seems like your response is mostly directed at your own WS or AP and it doesn't seem like your case is similar to the OP's. But on the point of not writing a letter, the OP has already said she's decided to tell her H it's a bad idea.
Hope Shimmers Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 Lostinlife... What a crappy response. Maybe if you read the thread you would know I already made the decision to not send a letter because of earlier responses from other BS and OW alike. The intent was never to hurt her, but evidently your intent was to hurt ME with your snarkiness. Maybe if you read Fellini's post you would better understand what I was trying to say. Lots of OW are still hurting and bitter and it comes out as an attack. I think she was referring to her own situation with the five years. Frankly I could tell from your initial post that you genuinely wanted to do the right thing and this wasn't about you but just wanting to make things better for everyone. 2
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