Serious question for the OW

[GollumsNightmare]

My husband and I are trying to turn a corner on our marriage. We have done the work for the last ten months to recover from his 2 month plus affair with a MOW coworker.

 

In that time we have gone through counseling and months of gut wrenching dissection of where our 30 year marriage went wrong. It was not just his affair. There was infidelity on both sides which led to depression, apathy, rejection, and living lonely separate lives. We are at a point where the truth is out, on both sides. It is a huge relief and we want to move forward with the rest of our life, happy and united. We have not been this close, honest, open, united and happy in decades.

 

My H met with the MOW after the traumatic DDay to "let her down easy". He told her he had an item to always remember her by. He told her he meant the things he said to her during the affair but he was going to stay in his marriage and be the best husband he could be. Etc, etc.

 

Now that he is out of his fog and has gone through counseling he can see the future talk and the things he said about me to try to justify the affair were wrong and he doesnt want to leave all of that hanging out there and keeping hope alive. He doesnt want her to think he is just staying in an awful marriage out of guilt.

 

He would like to send a letter to the MOW to gently put a closure to all of that so she would know there is no future. That there is no reason to think something may happen again. That the things he talked about were part of a fantasy world he was caught up in when he was going through a deep depression and he was being a general dumbass.

 

What do you think? Would you want to get such a letter to put an honest closure to things?

 

We plan to remarry next month, to start a new beginning. I read so often on here that the OW is waiting for the MM to contact them again. They imagine that the MM is miserable and staying in the marriage for the kids or money or because he has to "take care of BW", etc. Would you rather know the truth, gently - not to throw it in your face in any way, just to move honestly forward in life?

[whichwayisup]

 

Now that he is out of his fog and has gone through counseling he can see the future talk and the things he said about me to try to justify the affair were wrong and he doesnt want to leave all of that hanging out there and keeping hope alive. He doesnt want her to think he is just staying in an awful marriage out of guilt.

Really, she is going to think whatever she wants, sending a letter to her explaining why he chose you over her (especially since there's been a Dday and he went to see her to end the A face to face) is going to be painful and stir up past feelings. Since they are in NC mode, what is the point of telling her anything now? She is trying to let go and recover - And you two shouldn't open that door again. Leave it alone and just focus on your marriage and recovery.

 

When he never contacts her (which hopefully he hasn't since their last talk) she will figure it out. I'm sure she already has if he hasn't reached out.

 

Now if she contacts him first somehow (did he change his number and email address?) then go ahead and do the letter but don't initiate contact first.

[GollumsNightmare]

Thank you whichwayisup. I truly don't want to hurt her at this point. Trust me. It took a long time to get to this point. We had been friendly aquaintances for 20 plus years. I think h and I just both want it to be done, completely and beyond a doubt done. I think of Mickey who posted on here all spring and the doubt and pain she was in. We wondered if a clear letter would help.

 

I appreciate your advice. Thank you.

[GreySkyMorning]

Just leave her alone.

[GreySkyMorning]

I think of Mickey who posted on here all spring and the doubt and pain she was in. We wondered if a clear letter would help.

 

 

If you want some kind of revenge, then do it. Otherwise, just leave it be.

 

It hurts like hell to have someone come back and say it was all just a fantasy, and that you never really meant anything to them. Trust me, I know. Why do you want to drag that up now? There are a lot of BS's that come in here and say they want their husbands to tell the OW that so that she'll be hurt and feel like crap. Are you one of those?

[herself]

In 10 months she is well on her way to moving on. His silence says everything.

Do not write.

[whichwayisup]

I went back and read that she was also a friend of yours as well. Double betrayal, how awful catching them in act. You should be proud of yourself for working through this and your husband should be so thankful and feeling blessed that he was lucky enough to have a wife (you!!) who has a huge heart and was given a second chance to make things right.

 

Now knowing the exOW was a friend to you, even more reason to not look backwards and leave it all alone. Silence is golden!

[LovelySweet]

Depends on how miserable she knows the marriage was, your description of the marriage sounds pretty bad, lonely separate lives, apathy, rejection. She may or may not believe it, plus it opens a can of worms, on both sides. If it is solely to cause further pain, OW are human, with feelings. I believe BS build a human caricature of OW, that we seek out unhappy men to take advantage of, we have no heart and soul. What does letting her know she never meant crap to your husband prove, nothing.

[jellybean89]

While I think the gesture is nice, so the xOW isn't waiting for contact, it's probably best to just leave it alone.

[MissBee]

He already told her he was going to stay married.

 

Why would she need some renewed letter saying it again?

 

The proof is in the pudding. Her seeing him not coming back or speaking to her will let her know all she needs to know.

 

I wouldn't want a letter personally. Letters don't necessarily give closure. He didn't just up and disappear. You had a dday and he met with her. She knows what's what. The letter would be more painful than anything else IMO and also for some OW, even after the A is over, even if there is a letter they don't believe it and think the BS is making him do it etc...so if someone wants to be in denial no letter will help...the reality of her seeing the months and years go by without him coming back will be closure.

[woinlove]

I agree with others here - stay NC. The MOW is either (1) doing her own work to figure out why she decided to have an A while married or (2) she is not doing that work.

 

In the first case, she has probably come to realize that within a secret affair, there is often some self-delusion in order to try to feel good about oneself while deceiving one's spouse. In the second case, she won't really understand what it means to work on oneself and one's marriage and she may not even believe the letter or may convince herself that you wrote it. In either case, continued NC serves as better "closure" than any letter could.

[Hope Shimmers]

That the things he talked about were part of a fantasy world he was caught up in when he was going through a deep depression and he was being a general dumbass.

 

If you were in love with somebody, would you want to get a letter saying that it was all just part of a fantasy world to him and he was just being a "general dumbass"? And that he was depressed and that's the only reason it happened?

 

I don't think so.

 

That doesn't really jive with what you said earlier in your post, that he "meant what he said" during the affair.

 

But anyway, 2 months is a relatively short period of time. For me it was several years, and he told me he stays in the marriage out of guilt and because she is dependent on him. That didn't change anything for me or make it better.

[Mycatsnuggles]

I am a MOW when we ended the affair we left it as we care for each other but are not meant to be together. I have gone back to my marriage wholeheartedly as I believe he has. If he were to send me a note telling me it was only affair fog, he never cared for me and all we had together was a fake fantasy - it would hurt. I don't see how this helps the OW, I do see how this could feel good to a BS. If she has not contacted you in 10 months why dredge up old feelings because it will for your H also and despite what he tells you all those feelings may not be negative.

 

You have to move forward and not dwell in the past. She may or may not be feeling similar emotions(what was I thinking, it was fake). If she was single maybe my advice would be different. She is married and has her own spouse to bond with if she has respected NC give her the same courtesy.

 

Two side notes: if my spouse had asked me to do this I would have reluctantly because I wanted to save the marriage but the ideal of so ruthlessly hurting someone I had been involved with because my spouse told me to would damage my image of my spouse not the exAP.

[woinlove]

I am a MOW when we ended the affair we left it as we care for each other but are not meant to be together. I have gone back to my marriage wholeheartedly as I believe he has. If he were to send me a note telling me it was only affair fog, he never cared for me and all we had together was a fake fantasy - it would hurt. I don't see how this helps the OW, I do see how this could feel good to a BS. If she has not contacted you in 10 months why dredge up old feelings because it will for your H also and despite what he tells you all those feelings may not be negative.

 

You have to move forward and not dwell in the past. She may or may not be feeling similar emotions(what was I thinking, it was fake). If she was single maybe my advice would be different. She is married and has her own spouse to bond with if she has respected NC give her the same courtesy.

 

Two side notes: if my spouse had asked me to do this I would have reluctantly because I wanted to save the marriage but the ideal of so ruthlessly hurting someone I had been involved with because my spouse told me to would damage my image of my spouse not the exAP.

 

It sounds like you still have an attachment to the OM. Does your H know about your affair? I think it makes a big difference in how the AP is viewed whether the WS has come clean to the BS and they are working together on rebuilding the M, both knowing what they are dealing with.

 

Gollums, if the MOW is keeping the A a secret from her H that in itself can create some on-going connection to the AP and the A, tucked away in its own compartment. Does the MOW's husband know about the affair?

[HermioneG]

I am a MOW when we ended the affair we left it as we care for each other but are not meant to be together. I have gone back to my marriage wholeheartedly as I believe he has. If he were to send me a note telling me it was only affair fog, he never cared for me and all we had together was a fake fantasy - it would hurt. I don't see how this helps the OW, I do see how this could feel good to a BS. If she has not contacted you in 10 months why dredge up old feelings because it will for your H also and despite what he tells you all those feelings may not be negative.

 

You have to move forward and not dwell in the past. She may or may not be feeling similar emotions(what was I thinking, it was fake). If she was single maybe my advice would be different. She is married and has her own spouse to bond with if she has respected NC give her the same courtesy.

 

Two side notes: if my spouse had asked me to do this I would have reluctantly because I wanted to save the marriage but the ideal of so ruthlessly hurting someone I had been involved with because my spouse told me to would damage my image of my spouse not the exAP.

 

Not saying where I fall on this question- but your last sentence is fascinating to me. Isn't that exactly what the ex-AP did to the spouse ?

 

As to the OP- no contact is best. For all.

[GollumsNightmare]

No, the MOW's H does not know. He is a violent kind of guy and the decision was made by me not to tell him. H wants to tell him and apologize. He has attempted it three times by driving to the house but MOW and her H were not home.

 

We really did not want to do this as revenge. Simply closure. She has not been totally NC, she has been by our house many times unnecessarily. We thought if she knew the true status of where things stand instead of the abrupt ending fog talk it would help. I see we were wrong. I appreciate your advice. The intent was not to hurt anyone. There has been enough hurt to all of us already.

[waterwoman]

I was going to say don't unless she has been trying to get in touch. Obviously she has. I guess it depends on how irksome her continued contact is for you.

[MuddyFootprints]

It seems as though everyone is healing. It doesn't make much sense at this point to start picking scabs.

 

Continue moving forward.

[Goodbye]

If it is over between them then just leave her alone. Would you want the OW contacting you after the affair ended to give you status updates on her life or opinions about the nature of her relationships? Just move on.

[fellini]

Interesting problem OP. I have been discussing this too with my WS.

 

When it came to writing the NC, which was the first morning after DDAY, she asked to write the letter herself. And I said okay, if I could read it. And I did, and it looked fine.

 

But later, months later, I looked at it again and if frankly could easily have been read somewhat the way you describe.

 

She spoke of wanting to stop the pain she caused, about the damage she may have done to her daughter, etc. etc. And of course she said it was "over"

 

But what she didn't say, and at the time I was so distraught that I wasn't thinking too straight is: "I was wrong to start an affair with you. I never intended to hurt or leave my marriage." Nothing like that was said.

 

So one simple interpretation he could, and apparently did make, was that she "sacrificed" herself to get back into a relationship that (of course from his point of view) was not as good as the one he could offer. And for "the sake of the child".

 

We continuously talked about this issue, because my point to her was he will wait her out. And he will think he is still the number one pick. And in fact his behaviour showed this to be precisely what he was thinking. We got wind even that when someone mentioned something that his reply was, OVER A YEAR OF TOTAL NC: "sticking a knife in deeper in the wound".

 

She asked me should we write him another letter, and I said no, I don't want to create the opposite effect that your communication with him suddenly, even if it was to say he was a cancer in her life, is a sign of hope.

 

We are just going to have to wait until he finally gets it that she went where she wanted to be, and will remain there.

[DKT3]

I am a MOW when we ended the affair we left it as we care for each other but are not meant to be together. I have gone back to my marriage wholeheartedly as I believe he has. If he were to send me a note telling me it was only affair fog, he never cared for me and all we had together was a fake fantasy - it would hurt. I don't see how this helps the OW, I do see how this could feel good to a BS. If she has not contacted you in 10 months why dredge up old feelings because it will for your H also and despite what he tells you all those feelings may not be negative.

 

You have to move forward and not dwell in the past. She may or may not be feeling similar emotions(what was I thinking, it was fake). If she was single maybe my advice would be different. She is married and has her own spouse to bond with if she has respected NC give her the same courtesy.

 

Two side notes: if my spouse had asked me to do this I would have reluctantly because I wanted to save the marriage but the ideal of so ruthlessly hurting someone I had been involved with because my spouse told me to would damage my image of my spouse not the exAP.

 

Wow, I keep the rest of my comments to myself.

[GollumsNightmare]

So one simple interpretation he could, and apparently did make, was that she "sacrificed" herself to get back into a relationship that (of course from his point of view) was not as good as the one he could offer. And for "the sake of the child".

 

That is it exactly, fellini. We hear that kind of thought process from APs all of the time here on the boards. We just wanted to sever any ties she may think still remain due to his talk while in the fog of the affair. Shining the light on the affair cleared his head to what he truly wanted pretty quickly. After a geat deal of counseling it showed me what I wanted as well. We are not living "in hell" together. We are actively planning the next 30 years and daily living in a better relationship than ever.

[Hope Shimmers]

That is it exactly, fellini. We hear that kind of thought process from APs all of the time here on the boards. We just wanted to sever any ties she may think still remain due to his talk while in the fog of the affair. Shining the light on the affair cleared his head to what he truly wanted pretty quickly. After a geat deal of counseling it showed me what I wanted as well. We are not living "in hell" together. We are actively planning the next 30 years and daily living in a better relationship than ever.

 

You hear that thought process because it is true for some people. Not everyone, but some. And in your case it does sound like the marriage was in a pretty bad state while he was with the OW.

 

I hope for your sake that things continue to go well for both of you and things don't revert back to the way they were.

 

The OW doesn't need to hear anything about your marriage. It won't change a thing for her. If she is still contacting you then your H should tell her to stop -simple as that.

[Davey L]

I've often heard people who want to get in touch with their affair partner, almost invariably from what appear to be the best of motivations. However, I'm always sceptical that there is a hidden agenda, even if the WS does not even realise it themselves, from a desire to get in touch with the AP one way or another.

I'd be suspicious of the motivation here. I'd ask - does it really matter what the OW thinks? And if so, why?

[Poppygoodwill]

I think if she is looking for contact then it's safe to assume she's living with a misconception and it would be appropriate to clear that up for her.

 

However, if she is not seeking contact of any meaningful kind, then the only closure you get is for yourselves really. And I think that if you feel, honestly, that it might be another form of emotional innoculation for your marriage against further betrayal, then it's not right to do it.

 

Your marriage should hold - he should hold his vows - whether she is pining for him or not. Whether ten women are throwing themselves at him, or twenty.

 

What she thinks, what she hopes, is not really your business. And asserting to her that she hsould have no hope, doesn't protect you any more, or in any way ease her mind. It only gives you the satisfaction of having driven the nail home.

 

So why bother? Let it go. enjoy your 30 years and the renewed marriage. I'm thrilled to hear that it's better than ever. Hope for us all.