Lost my First Love

[alexakylee]

So a little background on me and my "situation". I'm a 22 year old college student (female) and I met a guy at a concert one night in February (he's 21). Honestly, I have never had a connection with anyone like I have with him. We want all the same things, we want them in the same time frame, we were (are?) head over heels, can't-live-without-you kind of love. He has always felt super familiar to me since the night we met. I don't know that I believe in soul mates, but if I did then I would without a doubt consider him mine. 1 week in he asked me to be his girlfriend and 2 weeks in he told me he loved me. Our relationship (which ended July 6th) was the best thing to ever happen to me. Granted, he is my first serious relationship and my first real love. I have dated around before, but nothing like this. Our relationship was virtually perfect. I mean we were crazy about each other, we loved spending time together, we loved each other families and friends, all those good things.

 

Fast forward 4 months and he's being distant. I KNOW something bad is coming, but everyone around me tells me I'm imaging it. At this point, he has started back with football (he plays for a large University) and I guess reality kind of started in. The past few months had been pretty relaxed and amazing for us, we spent basically every day together and it was incredible, we couldn't have been more in love. But like I said he started getting distant (didn't want to see me everyday like he used to, didn't text me constantly like he used to). I don't know what changed. He goes out of town for a week, back home to visit family in California and for whatever reason I'm not invited along this time although I've met his family 2 times and spent a week at their home before. When I pick him up from the airport after his California trip he's still acting distant so I ask him if his feelings have changed and he says it's complicated. He "still loves me", but he doesn't think we want the same things in life (which is BS since one of the reasons we bonded is because our futures seemed to correlate so perfectly). He says he doesn't really know what it is, he just feels like he needs to grow and mature without me. Understandable, he's only 21. I would like to note however that he is the one who brought up marriage, children, and all of those things. He moved our relationship along very quickly. Told me I was the one, etc. I never instigated any of those conversations.

 

Well, here's where things get messy. He becomes VERY depressed without me and sits in his room all day long, doesn't get out much, acts as though he is the one who has been dumped. I am also torn apart inside. We can't seem to stay away from each other and we plan to spend the next two weeks together before he starts football camp in August and then stop seeing each other after that (bad idea, I know). So, the next two weeks are full of ups and downs, but by the end of it he tells me that he knows now what he didn't before. He wants to be with me, just "not right now". He tells me to move on, date other people, and someday when he has gone to grad school and done whatever crap he wants to do we can hopefully work it out. I'm devastated, of course, but there's nothing I can do to make him want me or take me back. We say our goodbyes are they are SO HARD. We are both torn apart over this breakup and quite frankly it makes no sense to me because there is so much love and trust between us, but he just isn't ready? I don't know if this is a BS excuse. I have asked him if there is any other reason. He has assured me that I did nothing wrong, I am perfect for him, he just feels as though he needs to do some things on his own before he is ready to fully commit.

 

I haven't seen him for two weeks and he's been at "fall camp" the past week. Almost no contact between us except when he wants to text me and yell at me for something RIDICULOUS. (I followed a teammate of his on instagram and he told me to "stop trying to f*** his teammates"). He is so cruel to me one moment, then the next he's telling me that he wants to be with me. We had a huge blow up today (because he accused me of following more of his teammates on instagram, which I didn't do, and which shouldn't matter because it' so superficial). He blocked my number and I'm freaking out as this is happening so my roommate/best friend texts him and tells him he's being ridiculous, this is all a misunderstanding, etc, etc. He says some BS about how he's mad because I told him I just want to "move on" (which isn't true. Nonetheless, he TOLD me to move on). She assures him I want to try to work it out and that she hopes he will talk to me after camp. He says he will.

 

Now, reading this back I feel like a real dummy. Haha. Lots of drama and childish stuff, but I genuinely still want to be with him. So, I don't really know what I'm asking for here. Insight? Advice? I'm just hurting A LOT. Eighty percent of me wants to move on, but twenty percent wants us to work it out. And I know it's not up to me at this point, but how do you move on from something that was everything you have ever wanted? How do you move on from something you don't want to move on from? After today, I don't know if we are a lost cause. I don't know if working it out is even an option. He has freaked out at me several times before over superficial things only to tell me two days later that he still wants me. It is a difficult situation to say the least. Neither of us can really sever the tie completely because I think deep down both of us want to work it out and get back together.

 

I'm not entirely sure what to do at this point. I'm sure from an outsiders perspective this sounds really dumb and superficial, but I can assure you everything we shared was very real for both of us and I definitely think there are still feelings involved for both parties. Fall camp goes for another two weeks so I don't plan on hearing from him at least until then. If ever I don't want to waste two weeks of my life pining over him (I've waited to last month and a half doing that), but I don't feel ready to give up hope either. It's a sticky situation. This is super long so if you took the time to read it THANK YOU and if you take the time to give your two cents thank you even more. I'm new here but read about 'The Grass Is Greener' syndrome and think that could very well be what's going on here. However, with all the drama that has gone on this past month I hope it's not too late for me to bow out until he realizes the grass isn't greener at all. A reconciliation or an opportunity for a reconciliation is probably the only thing that could get me through life right now. Here's hoping I haven't totally blew it.

Edited August 11, 2014 by alexakylee

[thekid36]

So a little background on me and my "situation". I'm a 22 year old college student (female) and I met a guy at a concert one night in February (he's 21). Honestly, I have never had a connection with anyone like I have with him. We want all the same things, we want them in the same time frame, we were (are?) head over heels, can't-live-without-you kind of love. He has always felt super familiar to me since the night we met. I don't know that I believe in soul mates, but if I did then I would without a doubt consider him mine. 1 week in he asked me to be his girlfriend and 2 weeks in he told me he loved me. Our relationship (which ended July 6th) was the best thing to ever happen to me. Granted, he is my first serious relationship and my first real love. I have dated around before, but nothing like this. Our relationship was virtually perfect. I mean we were crazy about each other, we loved spending time together, we loved each other families and friends, all those good things.

 

Fast forward 4 months and he's being distant. I KNOW something bad is coming, but everyone around me tells me I'm imaging it. At this point, he has started back with football (he plays for a large University) and I guess reality kind of started in. The past few months had been pretty relaxed and amazing for us, we spent basically every day together and it was incredible, we couldn't have been more in love. But like I said he started getting distant (didn't want to see me everyday like he used to, didn't text me constantly like he used to). I don't know what changed. He goes out of town for a week, back home to visit family in California and for whatever reason I'm not invited along this time although I've met his family 2 times and spent a week at their home before. When I pick him up from the airport after his California trip he's still acting distant so I ask him if his feelings have changed and he says it's complicated. He "still loves me", but he doesn't think we want the same things in life (which is BS since one of the reasons we bonded is because our futures seemed to correlate so perfectly). He says he doesn't really know what it is, he just feels like he needs to grow and mature without me. Understandable, he's only 21. I would like to note however that he is the one who brought up marriage, children, and all of those things. He moved our relationship along very quickly. Told me I was the one, etc. I never instigated any of those conversations.

 

Well, here's where things get messy. He becomes VERY depressed without me and sits in his room all day long, doesn't get out much, acts as though he is the one who has been dumped. I am also torn apart inside. We can't seem to stay away from each other and we plan to spend the next two weeks together before he starts football camp in August and then stop seeing each other after that (bad idea, I know). So, the next two weeks are full of ups and downs, but by the end of it he tells me that he knows now what he didn't before. He wants to be with me, just "not right now". He tells me to move on, date other people, and someday when he has gone to grad school and done whatever crap he wants to do we can hopefully work it out. I'm devastated, of course, but there's nothing I can do to make him want me or take me back. We say our goodbyes are they are SO HARD. We are both torn apart over this breakup and quite frankly it makes no sense to me because there is so much love and trust between us, but he just isn't ready? I don't know if this is a BS excuse. I have asked him if there is any other reason. He has assured me that I did nothing wrong, I am perfect for him, he just feels as though he needs to do some things on his own before he is ready to fully commit.

 

I haven't seen him for two weeks and he's been at "fall camp" the past week. Almost no contact between us except when he wants to text me and yell at me for something RIDICULOUS. (I followed a teammate of his on instagram and he told me to "stop trying to f*** his teammates"). He is so cruel to me one moment, then the next he's telling me that he wants to be with me. We had a huge blow up today (because he accused me of following more of his teammates on instagram, which I didn't do, and which shouldn't matter because it' so superficial). He blocked my number and I'm freaking out as this is happening so my roommate/best friend texts him and tells him he's being ridiculous, this is all a misunderstanding, etc, etc. He says some BS about how he's mad because I told him I just want to "move on" (which isn't true. Nonetheless, he TOLD me to move on). She assures him I want to try to work it out and that she hopes he will talk to me after camp. He says he will.

 

Now, reading this back I feel like a real dummy. Haha. Lots of drama and childish stuff, but I genuinely still want to be with him. So, I don't really know what I'm asking for here. Insight? Advice? I'm just hurting A LOT. Eighty percent of me wants to move on, but twenty percent wants us to work it out. And I know it's not up to me at this point, but how do you move on from something that was everything you have ever wanted? How do you move on from something you don't want to move on from? After today, I don't know if we are a lost cause. I don't know if working it out is even an option. He has freaked out at me several times before over superficial things only to tell me two days later that he still wants me. It is a difficult situation to say the least. Neither of us can really sever the tie completely because I think deep down both of us want to work it out and get back together.

 

I'm not entirely sure what to do at this point. I'm sure from an outsiders perspective this sounds really dumb and superficial, but I can assure you everything we shared was very real for both of us and I definitely think there are still feelings involved for both parties. Fall camp goes for another two weeks so I don't plan on hearing from him at least until then. If ever I don't want to waste two weeks of my life pining over him (I've waited to last month and a half doing that), but I don't feel ready to give up hope either. It's a sticky situation. This is super long so if you took the time to read it THANK YOU and if you take the time to give your two cents thank you even more.

 

 

Hi! Please try to excuse the fact that I am writing this at 4:00 in the morning. Suffering from severe insomnia. I apologize in advance for any asanine comments! Let me try to give you my take on all of this.

 

 

He is basically playing that 'fun' and familair game called Mixed Messages. Which is not an enjoyable one to join in on. The most challenging aspect of it all is that you are left with so many more questions than answers. Why did he totally change his tune all of a sudden? Was there something specific which you did? Have his feelings completely changed? Or, is he taking some time to be cautious?

 

 

Most importantly is if he is not telling you all of the story. Witholding important information from you as a result of avoiding or to not cause you hurt. Has he ever been not up front with you before?

 

 

I wish to have a more direct and definitive solution. Just not sure if it is possible. I am not sure what is the best way to proceed. Only you can answer that to be honest. Do the benefits of trying to work things out outweigh the frustration he may continue to cause? This is the question you may need to ask yourself.

[ExpatInItaly]

Holy drama, batman. And this was only a four-month relationship? I don't mean to minimize what you had with him, but this is too dramatic for such a young relationship. Totally didn't bode well for a long-term relationship, OP.

 

My take is that he liked the initial butterflies-in-your-stomach stage, then realized he wanted to still have his fun and be single when that wore off. But he has a territorial streak, plus a big ego. He doesn't like it when he thinks you're communicating with other guys because it bruises his ego. With guys like him, it's about his image (hence the petty, juvenile drama on social media)

 

When relationships ignite as quickly as this one did, they also tend to burn out quickly. In my experience, someone declaring their love after such a short time is a red flag. It indicates impulsiveness rather than true sentiment. I tend not to trust such people, especially with my heart. In my opinion, love takes a lot longer to grow than 2 short weeks after meeting. Marriage and children shouldn't even be on your radar yet. 4 months is generally not long enough to really know someone. You're learning that now.

 

I would cut contact with him for a while. You know he doesn't want a relationship. Don't let his mopiness and sh*tty territorial behaviour fool you into thinking he's still in it. He's not. He had doubts after a short period. Let him go. Keeping in touch with him is only going to make it harder for you to move on. I know he was your first love, but he's isn't going to be the only one. Hang in there, girl.

[alexakylee]

You totally hit the nail on the head. He has a HUGE ego, very territorial, and quite the temper. Thank you for your kind words