Alison2 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) About a year ago, I moved halfway across the country to a new city for a new job and I absolutely love it! I just needed a change of pace. About five months ago, in March, I met this guy at a bar, and it was (I hate to sound corny) like magic! Everything was perfect, and still is now, as we are currently dating. He treats me like an angel, and I have never been happier. But, there is one thing. He is 21 and I am 27. I didn't let the age bother me because he is so responsible and mature. He is an engineering student and is graduating next spring. Along with school he also works as a waiter to pay his bills, he has an apartment with a friend off campus. After learning his age I was a little unsure, but he proved to me that he really wants this and things are getting serious already. I know it shouldn't bother me, but I was worried about telling my (old fashioned) mother because of our age gap, and when I did tell her she flipped. She is saying things like "a woman should never be older in a relationship" which makes no sense to me. She is really putting me down about this and it hurts. I met his parents (he was born and raised in this city so we see them a lot) and they love us together. I know we are in different life stages, but he is really good to me and he has a great head on his shoulders. That's what matters, right? Has anyone else been in this situation? I want him to meet my mother, but she's already judging our relationship without even knowing him. We are a very close family so the fact that my mother is upset really bothers me, especially because she won't give him a chance. Edited August 11, 2014 by Alison2
iiiii Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I wouldn't let your mother meet him until she has calmed down and accepted the fact that you guys are a steady couple. He doesn't deserve to be taken to meet someone who will be rude to him, or unwelcoming, or otherwise make it known that she doesn't think he is good enough. Your mother will eventually have to accept the relationship if she wants to stay a part of your life. PS, that's not a huge age gap. 8
Rockemsockem Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I'm in the same situation dating a girl who just turned 22 and I'm 27 however since I'm a guy no one would blink an eyelid. I've always found this double standard a bit baffling. If you are both happy who cares? I agree with the poster above wait until you mom calms down before you introduce him. 3
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 my mum has always told em that age is a number.......sometimes i cant even tell well actually most of the time i cant tell someones age by looking at them, so i get to know the person and not their age.....to em a mums role is to nurture and encourage happiness in any partner that my daughters have that is what i do......and my daughters boyfriend is ten years older than my daughter.....he is also less mature than my daughter...you cant judge maturity by ege its all life experience and what you are taught and how you act in certain c=situations...be happy...and i agree with the other posters....let your mum calm down keep reassuring her of the happy times you have and good luck......deb
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 there are few absolutes in life. Especially if your mother doesn't know your SO well yet, don't let a calendar be the determining factor.
JungleLover Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I have learn to never let another person influence who I date including family. When you are sitting lonely and sexless on Valentines Day, your mother won't be able to help you out here. Only a lover will. What makes it even worse is seeing the family member hugged up with their love interest on Valentines Day and guess what, they didn't consult you on who the hugging up with. Date the hell out of that young man and enjoy your new life. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 If you date a younger man, you will get all sorts of comments. When I broke up with my 5 years younger ex last year, shortly after that my older sister emphasized out of nowhere that she hopes I choose an older man next time. I agree you should wait to introduce him till your mother shows that she will be respectful. She might not come around, and then you will have to make a decision.
Dork Vader Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 For starters your mother is not dating him, you are. Your mother should have no objection to him so long as you are happy and he is a good guy. That said you need to be stern with your mother. Simply tell her you understand that she is more traditional. But that you are not and she needs to respect your choices. It's your life not hers. You really hope that she can respect that and be happy that you've met an amazing man who makes you happy and treats you right. If she doesn't get the message and doesn't respect the boundaries you've set forth. Then you need to start cutting her out. You can still talk to her but anytime she starts in with the traditional views and a lack of respect towards your relationship end the conversation. If you're at her place our out to eat with them and she starts up with it.. Give 1 warning "I've told you how I feel we are not going to discuss this anymore." If it continues just get up and leave. Your mother will figure things out real quick.
RedRobin Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Your mother might have some legitimate concerns/stereotypes concerning most people who are in their early 20's. I'd resist the urge to take it personally or worry about it too much. You mention you were worried about his ability to be responsible because of his age. Your mom likely feels the same way. No biggie. You are both in your twenties. Not sure about your concerns about life stage. Both of you are building your careers, don't have children... live on your own. Sounds like you are at similar life stages to me. Older guys are more likely to try and mold you into their dream woman instead of truly supporting and growing with you. The world is full of older guys seeking out women your age for that very purpose. Your mom has more to worry about with THOSE types of guys (usually older) than a guy close to your own age or a bit younger who is at a similar life stage.
preraph Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Your mother doesn't have to date him. He's perfectly within your age range. All the guys I ended up knowing for life were 5 years younger than me when I was 27-28. Your mother had her life to live, and now you have yours, and she doesn't get to live it too. You may only get one life, so you follow your path, not your mother's. They all want you to be just like them. You're not and it's not fair to ask.
mammasita Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I've never dated or been with a man older than me. Not really by choice, just always happens to end up that way. I'd like to think its because of the wonderful genes my mother has bestowed upon me to allow me to look younger than I actually am Anyway, it's not a big deal.......much less so as you get older. "A woman should never be older in a relationship" is simply ridiculous.
Standard-Fare Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Though it's not a perfect comparison, I'll relate this to my mother's reaction to my brother coming out as a gay. She had a terrible, mean-spirited reaction at first, and refused to accept it. She didn't "disown" him, but she wouldn't even discuss the topic at all for a couple of years, even when my brother started a serious relationship with someone. My brother eventually began to talk openly about this man in front of my mother. At first she bristled but over time she had to get used to hearing about it as they went on trips together and ultimately moved in together. Now my brother is four years into this relationship, so it's clear it's not a fluke. My mother's had no choice but to accept it if she wants my brother to remain in her life. And recently she took the huge step of agreeing to meet the boyfriend in person. I wasn't there, but I heard it went well. So, OP, is this man of yours proves his staying power, and it's clear that you two are committed to each other and in love, your mother will eventually learn to accept it. It might take a long time, even years, but assuming your mother doesn't want to lose you, she'll get there. Just be patient.
ktya Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 The above posters about how your mother isn't dating him, you are are correct. But let's take her side and be devils advocate. You are 27. He is 21. In 3 years you will be 30, definitely ready for marriage, he will be 24 and just starting to get into his career. He will not be able to afford a wedding or a house at this point and will still look towards another 5 years of freedom to do whatever comes his way. You will be thinking if looking forward to having kids within a couple years. In 5 years you will be 32. You will be seriously wanting to plan on having children, getting towards the point where you are contemplating arranging an "accident" where you forget a few pills to lock him down and get him to want to get married. He will be 26 and will be evaluating what he wants to do with the next 4 years of his life. In 7 years you will be 34. If you don't have children or marriage by this point you will be feeling robbed, as most of your peers already do. You will have been to enough of other people's weddings and you have been with your man far longer than them and your getting frustrated and jealous. You are thinking of your biological clock. He is 28 and while hearing your calls for the white picket fence he is thinking he only as a couple years of his 20s left and he wants to hold off just a couple more years. By this point your incessant lobbying for marriage and kids is really starting to turn him off, and he may be afraid to have sex with you because he suspects an "accident " may be arranged. -- Your mother doesn't pick your boyfriends. You do. Just remember your mother has been around the block and I'd thinking long term from wisdom. She can be wrong like anyone else. 1
Standard-Fare Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 Although I think the above advice is pretty dire, it's worth thinking about. If you'e sure you want the marriage/kids path, you'll want to have a serious talk with your guy about this and make sure you're on the same page. It's quite possible that he's very mature for your age and would share your goals, but you should definitely pay attention to how his age difference might impact his priorities.
Recommended Posts