8 months and I want out (sticky situation)

[Miss Match]

Update: I made up my mind. I will not be breaking up in person like everyone is telling me to do. I will be breaking up through a handwritten letter. Not because I can't do it in person. Hopefully people understand where I'm coming from.

Reasons why I chose a letter:

1. I'm not good with speaking. It will come out sounding more like an a hole if I spoke in person.

2. I can pour out everything I'm feeling without the awkward moment in person when she starts crying in front of her child.

3. A letter can be just as personal or more personal then in person.

4. She won't have to see me walk away and have that terrible feeling that it's the last time she will see me.

5. I can comfort her with words instead of hugs goodbye.

6. She will be forced to accept this other then holding on to hope of changing my mind in person before I leave.

7. Its something she can look back on to understand why everything happened and not try to make sense of it and re think what was said in person.

8. Personally I would rather have a letter then a face to face break up if I was on the receiving end.

9. I can also talk about NC without sounding like a douchebag. Explaining to her how it is a good thing and not me just wanting to keep her out of my life.

10. Its more caring and personal then a text, email, or phone call.

 

 

1. You are more concerned with looking like an a hole than doing the right thing.

2. You can say what you need to without having to hear how she feels about it or see her pain.

3. A letter is a piece of paper. A person is personal.

4. You can walk away without facing what you have done.

5. You won't have to comfort her.

6. She may not accept a letter and spend months devastated that you couldn't even give her a face-to-face.

7. It's something no one wants to look back on. she might read that letter a thousand times and still not understand.

8. It's not about what you think you might want.

9. You can do all this in person.

10. it's not as caring as DOING IT IN PERSON.

 

Coward!!

[Omei]

Update: I made up my mind. I will not be breaking up in person like everyone is telling me to do. I will be breaking up through a handwritten letter. Not because I can't do it in person. Hopefully people understand where I'm coming from.

Reasons why I chose a letter:

1. I'm not good with speaking. It will come out sounding more like an a hole if I spoke in person.

2. I can pour out everything I'm feeling without the awkward moment in person when she starts crying in front of her child.

3. A letter can be just as personal or more personal then in person.

4. She won't have to see me walk away and have that terrible feeling that it's the last time she will see me.

5. I can comfort her with words instead of hugs goodbye.

6. She will be forced to accept this other then holding on to hope of changing my mind in person before I leave.

7. Its something she can look back on to understand why everything happened and not try to make sense of it and re think what was said in person.

8. Personally I would rather have a letter then a face to face break up if I was on the receiving end.

9. I can also talk about NC without sounding like a douchebag. Explaining to her how it is a good thing and not me just wanting to keep her out of my life.

10. Its more caring and personal then a text, email, or phone call.

 

There is a lot of I's and how it benefits you

 

And a lot of assumptions that its better for her but really again you're mostly describing how its better for you by using this method.

 

You dont have respect for the gal and im glad she's being set free if she's as wonderful as you said in your past posts some man out there is going to be very lucky.

 

Bam! Miss Match you shot the arrow in the bulls eye.

[josephrm]

Alright guys I get it. I'm doing this the wrong way. There is a few things I want to talk about before I continue with my decision though. This isn't to get people on my side but this is a serious matter I do want to talk about. I wasn't going to bring this up because it is a little on the personal side and before you read this I am in no way using this as an excuse. In a way I do need a little advice on this subject which I would like to keep seperate from the whole situation. Once again before people say that I'm finding an excuse for the break up I'm really not. I just need some feedback. Please don't turn this into something negative because this is a serious problem I have.

 

I went to a psychiatrist for a little bit and he gave me a test to see where my mental state was. It was to see my perspective on life and my decision making. It was so he can have an idea on what I need to work on because emotionally I was a wreck. Its a really expensive test I forgot what it was called. Anyway not important. So the results came back that I cared too much about others other then myself. Because of that I'm unable to make decisions that others make as easily. I have a very serious and real fear of hurting people.

 

I'm a very nice guy with all good intentions. But they do end up biting me in the ass when I least expect it. I avoid hurting others every chance I get and that's why I have let this go for as long as I did. I know I'm only making things worse but mentally I have this switch that shuts off when I go to do what's right (as in break up with this girlfriend) because I fear causing someone pain. Every relationship I was in before this one I ended by getting them to break up with me. I have a serious problem and I can't seem to get around it.

 

This is why I came here for advice on everything because for once I want to be the good guy but even with the help of you guys I can't do this. Now this is when the problem gets worse. This fear I have causes chest pains and heart palpitations. Whenever I get these heart palpitations I then get a panic attack. It feels like I'm going to have a heart attack and die. When I come across problems like this where I'm forced to hurt someone whether it's the wrong way or the right way I risk my health. I know it sounds like a terrible excuse but it's not.

 

The reason I haven't brought this up before was because I didn't want it to sound like an excuse. I just don't know what else to say. I'm sitting here in my room wide awake and can't sleep every night because of this situation. I know what people are going to say.. "Your not mentally healthy for a serious relationship" problem is this is never going to go away. For me to "fix my problems" before getting into another relationship is like telling me to be single the rest of my life.

 

I'm not a perfect person. I admit it. Actually the irony is quite terrible. I try to be the perfect person and because of it I'm the complete opposite. Every part of me wants to suck it up and stay with her for her happiness but I just can't because I know my life will be miserable and it will be wrong to do that to her. I know from the looks of the comments I'm not the most liked person on this forum. But.. Truth is I'm here Because I need the help. I'm here Because I know the situation is a bad one. I know I'm the person in the wrong. I just have no where else to go.

 

Please understand that as much as I'm making the bad decisions, in my heart I do mean to make the right ones. When I say I'm trying and I'm told "don't try just man up and do it" I know I need to. Your not telling me something I don't know. But this is the reason why things are hard for me. I'm not a coward I'm mentally ill. I do my best I can as a person and sometimes it would be nice to have someone understand that but it's impossible to not be looked down on when I make myself look like such a terrible person.

[Omei]

No one is perfect, no one makes perfect choices.

 

But you came here wondering what's best and telling her the truth that you no longer wish to be together facing her is best

 

She will be devastated but at least you will still have her respect with your honesty, she may not speak to you but at least she wont be telling the story of "how the jerk dumbed me by mail" story to all her friends and family, you dont wanna be "that guy"

 

Out of all the exs in my life the only one I have respect for is the one that ended it with truths and I can speak to them today years later without any hurt, resentment, hate or anger after I got over our breakup.

 

You have a chance still to do this in the most respectful way possible and and if your going to enter a new relationship it will show good character on your part I doubt the ex your going after would find your breakup methods pleasing ither.

[anika99]

You are not going to die from a panic attack. I say that as a person who has suffered from panic attacks my entire adult life. I was at my worst in my twenties and early thirties. The anticipation of an unpleasant event often causes greater panic then the event itself. In any case the panic attacks can be lessened or even eliminated with medication. Chronic sufferers will sometimes take a daily dose of an antidepressant that has an anti anxiety effect. Personally I hated the anti depressants and for many years I would just take a tranquilizer when I knew I was going to have to do something that caused me panic attacks. Eventually I just decided to go drug free and face the panic.

 

The bottom line is that while you may feel like your dying when you have a panic attack you will not die and your health is not at risk. Talk to your doctor about getting either some long term or short term medication and then face the music. If you really have a serious panic/anxiety disorder the medication will help a great deal. Millions of people have suffered panic attacks at some point in their lives. It's not uncommon, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it certainly isn't a reason to treat a fellow human being like $hit.

[josephrm]

You are not going to die from a panic attack. I say that as a person who has suffered from panic attacks my entire adult life. I was at my worst in my twenties and early thirties. The anticipation of an unpleasant event often causes greater panic then the event itself. In any case the panic attacks can be lessened or even eliminated with medication. Chronic sufferers will sometimes take a daily dose of an antidepressant that has an anti anxiety effect. Personally I hated the anti depressants and for many years I would just take a tranquilizer when I knew I was going to have to do something that caused me panic attacks. Eventually I just decided to go drug free and face the panic.

 

The bottom line is that while you may feel like your dying when you have a panic attack you will not die and your health is not at risk. Talk to your doctor about getting either some long term or short term medication and then face the music. If you really have a serious panic/anxiety disorder the medication will help a great deal. Millions of people have suffered panic attacks at some point in their lives. It's not uncommon, it's nothing to be ashamed of and it certainly isn't a reason to treat a fellow human being like $hit.

 

Your right I do need some sort of medication to relax me in these cases. He prescribed me with a high dose of Zoloft and I almost lost my mind. I haven't went back to try something new because it was a pretty terrible experience. But I refuse to delay this break up because I need medication for my health issues, i wouldn't use that as an excuse. Its just really difficult and doesn't help the situation. I do thank everyone for the advice even though I may have showed anger to some. Its mostly anger towards myself and my problems more then anything.

[anika99]

" I avoid hurting others every chance I get and that's why I have let this go for as long as I did. I know I'm only making things worse but mentally I have this switch that shuts off when I go to do what's right (as in break up with this girlfriend) because I fear causing someone pain. Every relationship I was in before this one I ended by getting them to break up with me. I have a serious problem and I can't seem to get around it."

 

I also wanted to address what you said above. You say you fear causing someone pain but it looks more to me like you fear being honest and taking responsibility for your choices. When you behave in ways to get the other person to break up with you it is still really painful to the person you have put in that position, maybe even more so because the other person is bewildered as to what has changed and why you are behaving different. They don't know you just want out of the relationship so they are left wracking their brains and wringing their hands trying to figure out what they did and where it went wrong. That's actually a very painful and cruel way to exit a relationship. Doing it that way works for you though because you don't actually have a fear of hurting people or you would never be able to end a relationship in such a hurtful and dishonest way. You don't fear hurting people, you fear facing the people you have hurt. That's the reason you think breaking up by a letter is bloody brilliant. You know it's going to hurt her either way but this way you don't have to face her hurt. For you it's fine to hurt people just so long as you never have to see the hurt you have caused. It's not about saving the other person's feelings at all, it's all about your feelings.

 

Yes doctors always try to push antidepressants to treat panic. They don't like to prescribe drugs like Valium or Ativan because they are addictive but the antidepressants f@cked up my head and my life whereas I was quite happy and functional on a low dose tranquilizer. They didn't get me high or mess with my head at all. I just felt calm and in control of myself. I was lucky that I had a doctor who allowed me to use the tranquilizers long term (5 yrs) but I only took them when I absolutely had to because I didn't want to end up with a drug addiction too.

[TAV]

Please understand that as much as I'm making the bad decisions, in my heart I do mean to make the right ones. When I say I'm trying and I'm told "don't try just man up and do it" I know I need to. You’re not telling me something I don't know. But this is the reason why things are hard for me. I'm not a coward I'm mentally ill. I do my best I can as a person and sometimes it would be nice to have someone understand that but it's impossible to not be looked down on when I make myself look like such a terrible person.

 

The lengths you go to, OP, to paint yourself the victim in all this is disgusting me. Yeah, so you do not like hurting people. I have news for you; most people don't like hurting other people. However, everyone makes mistakes, bad decisions and they end up hurting people nonetheless. It's how you deal with that which defines your character.

 

Being afraid to hurt other people is not a mental illness. In fact it is an insult for people with a serious mental illness that you call it that. So what treatment did you shrink suggest? Or did he just tell you to hop on bike and be gone since he has no cure for spinelessness?

 

You are like a little boy who stole from the cookie jar and then once mommy caught you, you keep telling lie after lie not to own up to what you did. As I said before; you are not a grown up man since you do not want take responsibility for your actions.

 

You are causing these panic attacks; it's you that lets this situation prolong, it is not 'happening' to you as you like to tell yourself.

 

I don't know why it is so important for you to get validation from strangers on the internet for your behaviour. It seems really strange to me that this seems more important to you than doing right by the people you are supposed to love. The number of times you have mentioned in your posts that you are a 'really nice guy' are pathetic.

 

I'm not surprised your weakness of character has made you decide that you want to either be such a bad bf that your gf wants to break up with you herself or that you want to break up by letter.

 

I agree with the posters that your gf and her son are lucky to be done with you. You are no boyfriend material let alone fit to be anyone's stepdad.

[Simon Phoenix]

I mean, what the f--k OP? Be an adult and tell this woman face-to-face like a man and do it ASAP. I mean, what the hell is wrong with you? Everything you've said and done ITT shows a complete lack of character. And I'm usually one who thinks that how someone breaks up with another person isn't a big deal and I'm disgusted by your absolute lack of spine.

 

Stop being a sniveling wuss and give this woman the respect you say she deserves. I mean, how the hell do you wake up and look at yourself in the mirror? Smh.

[Miss Match]

There is no way to stop hurting someone when they are in love with you and you don't want to be with them. Plain and simple.

 

There is no magic way you are going to stop her from feeling hurt. All you can do is lesson the impact and not cause more damage by being respectful and honest. Own it. It's ok. You are allowed to break-up with someone. The reason we are giving you flak is because you are trying to weasel out of actually doing it, which we are trying to tell you, is WAY WORSE.

 

You have to accept that she is going to be hurt. How you deal with this is really important.

 

DO IT IN PERSON AND DO NOT LIE.

 

I had an ex years ago leave me for someone else, but didn't tell me. Just left and pretended to be single. I knew something was up. it made no sense. I was an absolute mess. I lost 10kgs in 8 weeks and didn't sleep for longer than 2 hours for over 3 months. It was nearly 2 years before I even dated anyone because I was so destroyed and I couldn't trust anyone.

 

You have to tell her about your ex. If you don't, she will blame herself and search for answers to why.

 

Please. If you don't want to hurt her, And i mean REALLY don't want to hurt her, then focus on what your lies and self protection will do to her down the track. Think of all the trust issues she could carry into her next relationship. Do the decent thing and own what has happened honestly, and accept that you are going to hurt her. just how much though is all in how you deal with this.

[anna121]

Consider hiring a sky writer, OP.

[josephrm]

This is exactly why I didn't want to get personal and bring up my problem. Its something that should've stayed between me and my psychiatrist, Because people like you don't understand. I'm really hurt now. Just forget everything I said. Forget this post I'm done. If you comment after this your talking to a wall. I'm not looking back at this post.

[mightycpa]

A letter can be just as personal or more personal then in person.

 

That's a good one.

 

Just do it in person, tell her the truth, and take the blame. No big deal, don't be such a big pussy.

 

From your responses to all the good advice, it seems like people are talking to a wall whether or not you read it.

[StarsOnFire]

I don't think you should be with anyone until you figure yourself out. You're obviously not in a good spot mentally, doesn't sound like you can handle what a relationship involves.

[travelbug1996]

the OP is gone. Did he ever break up with this poor girl?

 

I stopped reading at page 2.

[Miss Match]

the OP is gone. Did he ever break up with this poor girl?

 

I stopped reading at page 2.

 

 

No, not yet.

 

It's an entertaining read nonetheless.