ToastedHat Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 This is quite a broad topic, so I'll keep the details/backstory somewhat short. Growing up I was never the leader or the sophisticated alpha male, I used to be that fat kid in the group my toxic friends mocked and swayed any romantic interest that came my way, I never had my first girlfriend until I was 16, however she ended up cheating on me after a month anyway. I had my first real girlfriend when I turned 18 a few months after my 'friends' dropped me to go clubbing trying to get in any girls pants, my confidence was at a high for the first time in, well, a long time. Unfortunately we didn't last, It's a complicated story I'll just sum up with it wasn't the right time. (BUT never ruled out saying it could happen again, she said she would like to, and right now it can) It's been almost a year, we still talk from time to time but it isn't the same, nothing feels the same, getting back with her is the last thing on my mind right now because I just don't have any confidence. I realized this when I looked back in some old conversations with her and I sounded so energetic, so confident, she even said "I miss seeing you like that tbh, I found you so attractive, you just sound so serious now" (Two weeks ago I asked for time to get my head together, haven't spoken to her since so I can come back fresh and attempt to give 'us' another shot, story for another day I feel) Because with the breakdown of our relationship and ever increasing fights my confidence took a blow, I felt like I was to blame for most of our issues when I wasn't, we never had a full talk about this but even if I did I can tell we would bicker on past arguments that we buried back in January. I can tell these issues are just in my head, how can I just stop over thinking and gain back my confidence?
preraph Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I think you may be depressed. There's all kinds and levels of depression but you remember yourself as more fun-loving, confident and vivacious and so does she. Why not talk to your doctor or a psychologist about going on some antidepressants. Sometimes mentally we get stuck in a rut, you know, like that "downward spiral" you hear about. You might start feeling better in a couple of weeks and start getting back to yourself. Don't make any decisions with her until you are feeling yourself again, one way or the other. I also recommend you try to stay busy with other friends and just going and doing things you love to do or travel, etc.
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 when i have taken blows to my self confidence, i soul search for a while and i retreat......its a battle plan.....its a healing that needs to happen, i need to be ok with my heart and if my heart needs to retreat...i retreat...i read..... i mediate... i pray.......i dont need meds...i am a multiple personality i cant be medicated....doesn't work......because when i go into hospital its not the depressed persona that they treat...its a super hyper personality because i am around all these depressed people and i have to help them.....so my persona is one that seems to be fine...when i switch in there they throw more depressants at me or anti psychotic....and wonder why nothing seems to work....i give up......ill go in hospital if its life threatening and no other way...... i have come to accept me for who i am my limitations my flaws and i accept them and am trying to work with them...i am doing it on my own i have had therapy ....i have had trauma in my life and sometimes i flashback but now since i have accepted me for who i am, and all the parts of me i used to ignore and deny and think i was crazy, the flashbacks are minimal and when they happen they are not as severe being confident to me means acceptance of what is what could be and not what others perceptions involve....i am me thats it take me or leave me....and i have not been happier for a very very long time if not ever happier.....i am a good person and will continue to strive to be the best person i can be but that is my choice and not the expectations of others that makes me want to strive......its how i have always succeeded with what i put my mind and heart too.......... god always has his hand on my heart pushing me forward some times its baby steps but if i follow my heart ill never go wrong...ill be true to me and those around me........thats how i am confident.......i am never more confident than when i walk into church ...church is my medication....i feel taller...stronger happier...i take my medication once a week.......the band aids are applied where my hear thurts adn i go on into the next week its routine and its peace.....when i am peaceful i am confident.......and it doesnt take rocket science to know i fight best when i am at peace with me......because i can tbe swayed or influenced...my heart will always move forward when it can and i do ......it doesnt come in the form of pills for me...it comes in the form of acceptance...and its acceptance good hearted people have for me teachers i have had people in my life who see me for me, the church that holds hope for em tightly ...a well of hope when i need hope..... all in all i have confidence because god has never ending confidence in me and if i listen to my heart and feel my heart ...god smiles a lot on me even when its dark and rough...god smiles on me...i know that ...i feel it ....i move on....i wish you well.....i really do ......if its with anti depressants because a caring professional doctor tells you need them so be it.....trust your heart know you are special.....and follow whatever your heart tells you to follow you will always know the truth about you and who you are and finally you will accept your good days and your bad and know there will always be blue skies behind clouds...rain in a rainbow.....and lack fo confidence times with times that are bright and full of possibility ...those days are ahead of you.....you will find them......best wishes....deb 1
LuckyLady13 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 ToastedHat, I was going to ask you what you were doing when you were more confident at the time of those conversations you looked back at and then nearly smacked myself i the head because everybody has a certain level of confidence in themselves when they barely know someone. Without saying it, what was the most embarrassing moment of your life? Do you remember? Who was there? Now, when you get to know someone in a relationship, they are there for your screw ups, your bad reactions to situations, awkward days you're not yourself and over time, this stuff can add up in your head like an ever rising score on a scoreboard. It's a confidence killer. This girl you're talking about wasn't there for your most embarrassing moment ever, right? So when you were all confident in yourself, you were working with a squeaky clean slate. Not only is your slate no longer clean, hers isn't either so what happened to you? You sounded really serious because now you guys have baggage. Flaws out in the open. Old problems going through your mind (which you said) and this is...well, welcome to a relationship without a clean slate! So the trick to regaining your confidence is not to try to forget about all that old baggage (you won't be able to) but realize the most important thing and all you need to know - the other person is there because despite everything, they're still interested.
Author ToastedHat Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 preraph: I do agree depression may be the case, usually when I was young as mentioned I never had much confidence at all due to my friends, even now I don't have many people I can meet up and talk to but it'll get better I feel. I'll have a check up with my doctor see if they can supply me some, I've never gone as far as to take anti-depressants but with any luck they'll help. todreaminblue: Thank you, I'll do my best. LuckyLady13: Honestly I've got too many to count, the majority of them were usually in school with my "friends", I gained the reputation as the "weird" guy because of them really. After I dropped them I spruced up my look lost a tonne of weight and got myself some confidence from that. I do agree, although she wasn't there for me in all of my embarrassing moments that is what benefited me with the clean slate, unfortunately now it's not exactly that clean anymore, even more so it's a disadvantage now as she's more attracted talking to other new guys across the web then myself. When I met my ex on a dating site she liked me because I was one of the few genuine guys she's met, I had the confidence to do things I couldn't now, I remember flirting with her and making her blush, she fell for me for who I was back then. I feel I am still the same guy deep down, but with boundaries changed I can't just "go back" either, I've outlined a plan on how I can attract her but I need the confidence to follow it through, even more so to just try acknowledge all of our issues and move on from them.
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