Promiscuous partners...why we worry.

[yxalitis]

There's a lot of talk about promiscuity, and how it effects your opinions of that person.

I've dated a lot of very sexually active girls, and have always accepted that aspect of them, but a lot of people I know find that hard to deal with.

So I have decided to list the fears, and to allow for a conversation with anyone in the position of dating someone who you find out has had a lot of lovers.

 

This is a collection of my thoughts, and obviously are "my opinion" and not a statement of hard facts, if you disagree, feel free to reply, but avoid (if you can) a needlessly vitriolic comment.

 

I attempted to wrte this gender neutral, but of course being a man, I slipped into the habit of referring to the person as a woman. Just interpose Him for Her as you read. It's tiring to constantly type: him/her she/he etc.

 

Firstly, there is no golden number of sexual partners that labels a person "Promiscuous" although clearly there are limits. One person I dated had 100 lovers in one year, another had 12, both I consider promiscuous, but not because of the number alone.

 

It's more about the attitude towards those partners:

 

A person may well date and sleep with a dozen people in a relatively short time frame, but in each case was genuinely attempting to form a long relationship, but for whatever reason (bad luck, poor choices, personal issues) never found the right partner. This is not promiscuous behaviour.

 

When the person had no expectation of seeing these people again, forming a partnership, sharing their life, but is content merely with the sexual satisfaction, then I start to put them in the promiscuous basket.

 

All right, now that definitions are defined let's look at why you might have trouble accepting a partner like that.

Now I'm talking about someone you've been with for some time, who you have gotten to know, and are starting to have feeling for, not "that girl I picked up last night" You have to have gotten past the initial stages, and established some sort of rapport and understanding.

 

1. I'm just another one.

This is probably the biggest concern, if you are just one of many lovers, why are you any different? Your're just another conquest, to be discarded with when they are bored with you. Even thought it's been a while, you still harbour fears of an eventual break up.

 

Everyone falls in love, everyone wants happiness, everyone wants to meet that one special person.

The fact that you've been together for a while is in fact no guarantee for two reasons: you might well be right, but more importantly, NO relationship has any sort of guarantee.

She could be a virgin and still dump your sorry arse if things aren't right, her level of sexual activity doesn't change that fundamental fact.

So instead look to how she treats you.

Do her friends acknowledge you, or are they dismissive? If you're "just another one" her friends won't bother investing time getting to know you.

Have you met the family?

When she kisses you, is it gentle and loving, or always tongue-in-your-throat?

Does she talk about the future with you or "with the right man"

Use you brain, if you are special to her. you can tell.

 

2. They'll cheat on you.

Once a cheat, always a cheat, right?

Well, are they?

Even if highly active, some people only have one lover at a time, some flip between many at once (even at the same time).

This whole fear is redundant, there is no "type who cheats" and "type that won't" there is only circumstance.

Anyone can find themselves tempted, it's up to their character to decide how to act when that happens. You may think someone who easily sleeps with people will easily cheat, but at the same time they have "been there, done that" whereas an inexperienced person may be thrilled by the concept, excited by the prospect of a different person in their limited sexual history.

In other words, this is not related to their sexual history.

 

3. There's something wrong with them.

If you think having many lovers makes a person bad, then I can't help you.

This is your prejudice based on your life experience and upbringing.

You can learn to accept that, or you can't, but nothing I can type here will make that acceptance easier.

 

Thanks

Edited August 11, 2014 by yxalitis

[todreaminblue]

i was an escort years ago if i have never have sex again i will still always have had more sex than any guy i am with

 

 

the bond for me never lessens when i am with a guy when i am not with them it lessens for that guy not the guy i am with......

 

people class me as a risk because i was more promiscuous........the thing is .....

 

i am not a risk to the guy i am in a relationship with i am loyal...... what is a risk is his perception of me......and the fact guys often hit on me....if i am in a relationship ....i am not unfaithful ....its something i just wouldnt do

 

 

because i know the grass is greener is a myth.....if you water your own lawn and look after it well it will always be greener than someone elses...because it is your lawn and no one elses to look after..

 

for this reason i dont judge a guy on his sexual history or lack there of even i have dated inexperienced guys..... i would question a guy if i had known he had cheated on long term partners i would question his loyalty to be in it for the long haul....but i would give a guy a chance to prove me wrong....and relate to him in our relationship and not another one that is in his past............deb

[Woggle]

I think guys are just trying to protect themselves in a misguided way. They see the drama a lot of other guys go through and they want to prevent it from happening again. People need to stop looking at numbers and look at how a person has treated their past relationships. It's not about counting how many partners they had.

[FitChick]

I worry that a promiscuous man who has no or few long relationships might be clueless on how to compromise and be a good partner. When problems arise he just leaves.

[yxalitis]

I worry that a promiscuous man who has no or few long relationships might be clueless on how to compromise and be a good partner. When problems arise he just leaves.

 

That has nothing to do with promiscuity, rather on an inability to have long-term relationships.

The two are not the same thing

[yxalitis]

i was an escort years ago if i have never have sex again i will still always have had more sex than any guy i am with

 

 

the bond for me never lessens when i am with a guy when i am not with them it lessens for that guy not the guy i am with......

 

people class me as a risk because i was more promiscuous........the thing is .....

 

i am not a risk to the guy i am in a relationship with i am loyal...... what is a risk is his perception of me......and the fact guys often hit on me....if i am in a relationship ....i am not unfaithful ....its something i just wouldnt do

 

 

because i know the grass is greener is a myth.....if you water your own lawn and look after it well it will always be greener than someone elses...because it is your lawn and no one elses to look after..

 

for this reason i dont judge a guy on his sexual history or lack there of even i have dated inexperienced guys..... i would question a guy if i had known he had cheated on long term partners i would question his loyalty to be in it for the long haul....but i would give a guy a chance to prove me wrong....and relate to him in our relationship and not another one that is in his past............deb

Yes, former escorts will find this hardest to deal with, and I sympathise with you.

It isn't anything to judge someone by, as the saying goes "There but for the love of God go I"

The situations that lead someone into prostitution are as varied as you can imagine.

The cliché that it is only drugs, alcoholism, or abuse that leads someone to that lifestyle is as wrong as it is pathetic.

Good luck with your life Deb, and thanks for sharing!

[MrNate 2.0]

This topic definitely hasn't been discussed before.

[yxalitis]

This is a big one for me. I like to be with a woman that makes me feel proud to have with me. I find no pride in being with a girl who was with every other dude on the block. There have also been studies that have shown that after sex, a bond is formed with your partner. With each new partner, the ability to form this bond lessens. This is meaningful to me.

 

 

 

It has been my experience that the more promiscuous women do have certain issues that cause the promiscuity, and those issues are also a problem for me. It has nothing to do with someone being "bad," just incompatible with me.

You are partially correct, sometimes there is a root cause.

 

But anyone's past determines who they are, you have focused on one aspect of that person, and decided it ins't compatible, who else are you ruling out of your life?

What other personality quirks would you accept?

A bad temper?

Bad with money?

A gambling habit?

No career aspirations?

Selfish personality?

Egotistical?

No one is perfect, we all have flaws.

When you find someone you care for, you need to embrace them for who they are, warts an all.

I believe if you assign certain aspects of a potential life partner onto the "too hard" basket" you are cutting many amazing people from your life.

[yxalitis]

This topic definitely hasn't been discussed before.

 

You sarcasm is duly noted.

Now perhaps you might consider typing a meaningful reply?

[Astrolink]

Times have changed dramatically over the last few decades. From the OP's description of the number of sexual partners, either gender would easily fit the definition of "whore" not that long ago.

[Dork Vader]

A persons past is not always a reflection of their future.

 

That said it doesn't really matter if a person was promiscuous in the past. What matters is if they are with YOU. There are clear cut signs a person will have loyalty and commitment issues. All you have to do is pay attention to their actions and talk to them about what commitment, exclusivity and so on is.

 

You don't want to ignore their past. But you want to compare it to what they show you now.

 

I've been cheated on by people who have never cheated. I've also had very loyal girl friends who were very promiscuous.

 

The signs will always be on the wall..

[todreaminblue]

Yes, former escorts will find this hardest to deal with, and I sympathise with you.

It isn't anything to judge someone by, as the saying goes "There but for the love of God go I"

The situations that lead someone into prostitution are as varied as you can imagine.

The cliché that it is only drugs, alcoholism, or abuse that leads someone to that lifestyle is as wrong as it is pathetic.

Good luck with your life Deb, and thanks for sharing!

 

 

i really dont need sympathy because in away the guy i am with or want to be who i disclose my personal history too who accepts me will be a giving understanding compassionate guy and would realize as you said, there are circumstances that led em to be where i was....and i didnt have a ripper time...it was really hard and brutal....i was treated no better than meat by some spat on, abused in many ways you name it.............thats the guy i need to be with...the guy who accepts me is sure of himself and he is sure of me......and knows i dont glorify what i have done i am just honest about it.....because he deserves the right to walk away......no man has walked away for my history......they respect my spirit...thankyou for your kind thoughts..deb

Edited August 11, 2014 by todreaminblue

[yxalitis]

Sure, we all have flaws, but some flaws are definitely worse than others.

 

Just because one person finds someone amazing, doesn't mean I would. I think that at least 95% of all women are undateable for one reason or another. Promiscuity, especially what I would consider extreme promiscuity, is a definite deal-breaker to me.

 

At least 95% of women are undateable?

 

Oh, OK, good luck sir, I wish you the best for your future relationships.

[Astrolink]

Sex used to be the ultimate culmination of love between 2 people, when they had already established a unity of romantic, companionate, altruistic love. You can't skip over the others and have sex first. If you do, then the act is not one of love but only sexual release.

 

With that said as a general statement, I've found very sexually active people to be highly unsuccessful in meaningful, long term relationships.

 

I'm not the player type, so I avoid them.....they get bored quick and quit relationships easily.

[yxalitis]

"I've found very sexually active people to be highly unsuccessful in meaningful, long term relationships."

Your anecdotal experience is not evidence.

I'm actually shocked that you would make such a sweeping statement.

[todreaminblue]

Sex used to be the ultimate culmination of love between 2 people, when they had already established a unity of romantic, companionate, altruistic love. You can't skip over the others and have sex first. If you do, then the act is not one of love but only sexual release.

 

With that said as a general statement, I've found very sexually active people to be highly unsuccessful in meaningful, long term relationships.

 

I'm not the player type, so I avoid them.....they get bored quick and quit relationships easily.

 

highly sexually active people or people who have a high libido can be successful in long term relationships- people male and female with high sex drives can also be celibate they just dont act on it, they save it for someone special

 

i have a high linbido when i am in a long term relationship i have always found casual sex dull and mechanical....just because i have a high sex count with guys, doesnt mean i cant be a loyal partner......my sex drive has nothing to do with how i conduct myself now or even back then ...i was in a long term relationship for fifteen years and three years before that takes me to my teens, took me two years to rack up a sex count i know approximately the average weekly count...cant give a count over all that is precise....it varied some times they made me work double and triple shifts ..... that is high i have many more years where i have been with only one man....your statement is bias and false...sexually active people do not have to be unfaithful people....deb

[Astrolink]

My statement was not a "fit all" statement. It's been my personal experience in more than a majority of folks that I know.

 

"sexually active people do not have to be unfaithful people....deb"

 

I never said that. What I said has nothing to do with being unfaithful.