dumbass2 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 She broke up with me and there was no fighting, no real talking about trying to make it still work, just over. We both said nice things to each other. We kept in light contact and continued to be nice. Everything was polite. My thinking now is that this is might be one of the worst kinds of break ups. Reason is that though I do have nice thoughts still about her, I wasn't honest with my feelings. I cared a lot for her and felt she did care for me. I was thinking about her and didn't want to make things hard on her and she was the one doing it. I didn't want to hurt so I tried to move on quickly. I think she took it like I never cared. I still responded to her, but I was still keeping my feelings for her bottled up. I didn't want to beg and plead again. By her mixed signals, I'm not sure if she said everything honestly to me. Does anyone have experience with this type of break up and is it one of the worst ways to end a relationship? It seemed to linger on way too long. It is killing me trying to cope with this still.
Xemyd Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 She broke up with me and there was no fighting, no real talking about trying to make it still work, just over. We both said nice things to each other. We kept in light contact and continued to be nice. Everything was polite. My thinking now is that this is might be one of the worst kinds of break ups. Reason is that though I do have nice thoughts still about her, I wasn't honest with my feelings. I cared a lot for her and felt she did care for me. I was thinking about her and didn't want to make things hard on her and she was the one doing it. I didn't want to hurt so I tried to move on quickly. I think she took it like I never cared. I still responded to her, but I was still keeping my feelings for her bottled up. I didn't want to beg and plead again. By her mixed signals, I'm not sure if she said everything honestly to me. Does anyone have experience with this type of break up and is it one of the worst ways to end a relationship? It seemed to linger on way too long. It is killing me trying to cope with this still. My break up was like this, it was "mutual" as I used to say. I do think it was a horrible way to break up because it kind of delayed the healing process. There were things said when he ended it that my mind kept coming back to and gaining hope. Him being nice and not wanting to hurt me more, he ended up saying that we should break up now before all the fighting starts, just in case. So of course, I took that to mean we had a good chance of getting back together. It's been almost a year for me and this past month or two I have been feeling 100 times better. You just really need to stop yourself every time you start thinking about her. I still have nothing bad to say about my ex but I really had to start thinking that he CHOSE to walk away, he didn't want to work on things. That's what you need to do, and unfortunately it's going to take a long time. But keep your head up! One day you'll wake up and suddenly it won't hurt.
lop98 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Having been through my series of breakups, I don't think there is such a thing as a nice breakup unless someone is just naturally good at separation, but I definitely think that no open communication at all, not even when it's so clear that it's the last chance to have it, is something that weighs on you for a long long time and feels almost as bad as the kind of breakup when things get past honesty and hurtful words fly back and forth and stay in your memory for years. I broke up like this once, a year passed and even though I healed for the most part and moved on, not fully understanding what happened and never knowing how he truly felt for me was a shadow in my life, and as time passed, it only grew more, I went from not understanding the breakup to not understanding the whole relationship and doubting everything about him. We got back in touch a year later, and it took a lot of talking and opening up (after several attempts) to fully understand what happened then. Although erasing the conclusions I arrived about him on my own has by far been the biggest challenge... I've never been the kind of person that bottles up feelings for too long, so before going NC, I remember writing him an email, explaining every bit of how I felt for him in case there were any doubts, and then blocked and didn't look back. I wasn't even looking for a solution or closure or another chance, I was too hurt for that, but the path ahead was long and lack of honesty and openness from my side would've haunted me worse than his did. I don't know how long it's been since your breakup, I know the advice here is always strict NC, I did it and it worked like nothing else for me, but so did communication before going NC and after NC served its purpose. You can always write and try to find some peace, maybe to her, maybe just to yourself, but don't forget that pain takes time on your own (NC) to heal. In my case, only a year later we were both strong enough to get in touch, understand each other again and even realize how real both of our feelings were and why the breakup happened. The pain and anger had disappeared and communication was easier due to that. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I prefer a break up to be nice, i dont insult a person when i break up......i am not to good with ridicule or derision i don't like being insulted it ...really gets to me even though i don't show it, i take the blows internally and i don't like it when i retaliate if they hit too close to the bone in fact i will feel worse than if i had just remained silent and it will play on my heart fro years i dont like hurting people what gets to me when the break up is acrimonious is i start to see what they see .......and realize they see me so badly i try to figure out why and when and how i coulld have done that to make them see me that way...if i cant see when where why and how i become confused and insecure..... thankfully nearly all my breakups fro the most part have been kind and i have been able to tell them their good qualities and what i like about them.....and they have told me the same for this reason alone......i am friends with all my exes now......the one break up i had that was really bad he took it all back every single horribel thing and said noone of it was true at all took me years to deal with what he said to me and i felt that nothing i had ever doen was right....he rocked my world and not in a good way.....i dont like bad break ups i dont think anyone deserves to be hurt.....with intent..especially when breaking up......and even worse for me is if i have retaliated..it so pointless and harming for all...i dont like to let people know when they hurt me deeply .....those that do .....know they have hit the mark if i lash back...they continue to hurt me over and over........and i hate that....for many reasons....i like to rise above ridicule derision and hurtful comments simply because i know what it is like to have them directed at me and i dont like to be hurt myself so i dont hurt others.............deb
Author dumbass2 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Yeh, it just seems that maybe in a nice break up with no arguing or hurtful words that both people aren't being totally honest with their true feelings, other then one did want to end the relationship, but made it confusing afterwards. I had a few opportunities to get some things out and didn't and I wonder if it is because my true feelings are how I acted when she broke up with me. that is what I am still fighting. Head vs heart and I think my head was in control early on and then after a month or so my heart started to take control. I'm still in this with too much heart and questions about the how she felt at points along the way. Was she being honest? Was she really ever in love with me though she said so? I was honest with my feelings until the last few weeks where I cared less and less because of drama she created. I think I miss her, but not sure if it is really her or the things we did and the constant contact. I see her with another guy and ask why that guy couldn't still be me.
Xemyd Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Head vs heart and I think my head was in control early on and then after a month or so my heart started to take control. That's exactly how I was, the first two months after the BU I was fine, totally logical and then it switched. My heart just broke when it finally sank in that we weren't going to get back together. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I never had the dramatic yelling a screaming BS. Most of by break ups were civilized. They still hurt but kindness & civility are not substitutes for romantic love. If that part is gone, there is no relationship. 1
Author dumbass2 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 That's exactly how I was, the first two months after the BU I was fine, totally logical and then it switched. My heart just broke when it finally sank in that we weren't going to get back together. It's sad that I do feel it's finally over after seeing her with another guy, but then knowing how she is, or it at least was when we were together, I tell myself that he is temporary and it's just a guy she's dating and she'll find enough wrong with him or he wont put up with the crap I did. She has unreasonably high expectations for who she is looking for. She had always told me how many of the qualities that I have are what she is looking for. Of course that could have all been lies. She did tell me that she wasn't sure she's able to be in a committed relationship now or in the near future. I think she wants to have her fun now and see what's out there. My friends tell me that it's probably bad timing involved because she doesn't know what she really wants and maybe in a year or two she might realize it, but you can't wait around for her. I feel sad thinking that maybe she just might get into a long term committed relationship with this guy and I wish it was me. I want to try and convince myself that she was telling me the truth when she said she is not wanting a committed relationship at this time. I wish she hadn't tried to be so nice during the break up. She shouldn't have contacted me. She knew I loved her. She did it for herself. She got off easy and didn't have to deal with a ex boyfriend that made her life a living hell while she tried to move on. I guess maybe I regained my self respect in doing so and showed my maturity.
OwMyEyeball Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 If it had been a fiery breakup filled with yelling, screaming and plate throwing you would find yourself in the same situation. Filled with regrets and uncertainty. It seems cold and cruel now, but you will find that this experience will strengthen your character and help in your maturity. You're learning about yourself as a man and what you want out of life. Your future relationships - of any sort - will benefit tremendously from the insights you'll gain as you navigate your way through the pain, confusion and uncertainty.
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