Jump to content

OW/MOW, why would you have a relationship with a man you know is married?

SamSam68

By SamSam68
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

SamSam68 Member

SamSam68

Posted
Posted

OW/MOW, why would you have a relationship with a man you know is married? This is a honest question because I just don't understand. I'm trying to come to grips with all angles of this situation. Are you hoping for a long term exclusive relationship? Is it just sex? Also, how would you feel if a BS called you wanting to understand your side? Has this happened to any of you?

LovelySweet Member

LovelySweet

Posted
Posted

Hi. I believe it to have been a delusional mindset. I thought there was a connection, a possibility of something more, at the time I would have never thought a man could love one woman and carry an affair with another. You buy into that they are unhappy, it has changed into a business partner type relationship. All that jazz.

 

Reality is that it is not possible and rarely any different, except for the few passionate love affairs or exit affairs.

 

He did not date me, marry me, and provide for me. He does not respect me and he does not care how any of this will affect me or my family. There is no regard for my life or my well being. I was his whore. His wife is the love of his life. I am however far far better than that. Thank god this is the reality, this is the truth.

  • Like 2
veryhappy Established Member

veryhappy

Posted
Posted

Start reading back this forum. It contains all the wisdom you are looking for. Start two- three years ago, so you can read the updates on people's threads.

Hope Shimmers Established Member

Hope Shimmers

Posted
Posted

Sam, I think there are as many answers to that question as there are people here.

 

I think if I had to summarize many cases, it's that the OW feels a "connection" with the MM because they became closer than they should have and in many cases the OW believes things that the MM says, that the marriage is bad, there is no sex, etc. They are often led to believe that the H is going to divorce, even to the point of setting dates and then continuously failing to follow through, repeatedly - then claiming excuses and trying to get the OW to hang on longer.

 

In my case, I started a relationship with my ex-MM when he was legally separated, living on his own, and divorcing. In the end he didn't divorce but that process took years and I have to admit that I fell in love with him and even when I should have "known" that he was not ultimately going to divorce, I held on.

 

In your H's case this is an ex-girlfriend so some of the circumstances may be different.

woinlove Established Member

woinlove

Posted
Posted

SamSam, I was an OW and for me, in hindsight, I see I was not as connected to people as I am now. This lack of feeling any connection to others who were not in my close circle meant it was easier for me to put my desires forefront and not be concerned about the effect on the BW or their children. I felt that was xMM's "issue" to deal with, not mine. Since we were together when xMM was away from home working in another city, there wasn't the hiding or obvious deceit (from my perspective) that there might be in some A's. When he returned home, he told his wife and they ultimately divorced. I ended things as he was divorcing, in part because I finally saw what it meant that he started a new R while still married.

 

While many consider MM to be off-limits, just as your sister's husband or best friend's husband might be off-limits, others don't have the same boundaries and for me, that came from feeling less connected to others.

 

I feel differently now. To me now, it's not just the effect on the BW, I also don't want a man I really care about to behave in a deceptive or disloyal way in order to have a relationship with me.

  • Like 3
still_an_Angel Established Member

still_an_Angel

Posted
Posted

I think all of us have stories to tell, some may sound similar, yet different somehow, there are so many combinations of people that create that "connection". Mine started out as a D/s relationship, he is able to give me what I want/need sans the romantic and emotional part. I think due to the nature of our relationship, we were both able to separate what we have to our real lives, how we live, and our individual relationships with our spouses. I am now separated, he is still with his W, but things haven't gone according to plan because over time, we have crossed over to EA, further cementing our relationship. Our communication lines have always been strong, because it has to be for our plays to be successful, so we have exposed to each other not just our fantasies but our vulnerabilities and that of course was the main ingredient to the EA part.

 

 

As to your question if his W will one day contact me, I will have to see how open she is with regards to understanding a D/s relationship. Not a lot of people are open-minded about it. I think the question here is if she's ready to see this side of her H that is totally hidden from the world.

  • Like 1
gettingstronger Established Member

gettingstronger

Posted
Posted

Woinlove- what an amazing post- I showed it to my husband and he was blown away-totally agrees on the disconnect- one night we were watching TV and he winced and said, infidelity is all over TV its sick- I asked if he felt the same way when he was in the A and it was on TV-he said, I never considered myself "like them"- for whatever reason, I was not as twisted as that- what a huge disconnect he had going on-

  • Like 1
goodyblue Established Member

goodyblue

Posted
Posted

Not sure if I should weigh in because my guy and my relationship didn't end badly for us, even though he was married when it began. Frankly, we'd had a connection for years and avoided it. Finally, we just decided to not waste any more time.

 

The difference for us was that he always had a plan to get out of his marriage and the A didn't go on very long before he left his M.

 

This isn't to say his ex wasn't hurt. She was devastated. But they just didn't have a connection anymore. Sometimes what the MM says is true. There was no sex for years, she stayed for the money, his importance in the community, etc.

 

Sometimes it's simply what he says it was. But lots of times not. I think it's good that you two have moved forward and will be able to have a good marriage together. The honest truth of the matter though, is that it doesn't matter why. If he's invested in your M again, THAT is what matters.

Minnie09 Established Member

Minnie09

Posted
Posted

Not interested in getting involved in a serious R, for many many reasons.

MM happens to be a wonderful lover, smart and generous, witty and super-attentive.

This combination is hard to find, and a random F-buddy just wouldn't do it for me. I need a little bit more substance, but I don't want the risk of getting "seriously" involved. Does that make sense?

MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted (edited)

In my case, he wasn't married, but in a LTR, but I actually didn't know this and by the time I found out I was already in love and that pull was stronger than the intellectually smart thing which would have been to cut it off completely once I found out the reality.I stayed because of our connection, the distance also made me feel like it wasn't that bad and plain and simple she was out of sight and out of mind and so I could carry on for a while without feeling that badly. I also didn't expect him to leave...I was younger and wasn't at a stage in life where I was seriously contemplating marriage and so on so I lived in the moment with it, as much as I could...but even still it became unsatisfying.

 

A second time I had a f-buddy scenario with a guy with a gf. He wasn't married and his gf lived in another state. I think in both scenarios them not being married was probably a factor, where maybe if they were I would not have engaged at all or walked away as I would have felt it "more serious." With f-buddy he mentioned his gf in passing and I simply didn't care because I wasn't interested in anything beyond sex and I was also rebounding. No one called to ask my side in any of the cases but in the first case, I was in love with him, and I think I'd have been open to having an honest conversation with her, as part of me also felt left in the dark about things. In the second case, I would have left it alone and probably not engaged with her as he meant nothing to me beyond sex and I could give him up and walk away with no regrets or remorse as I wasn't his OW...in the sense that I didn't feel like he was my bf and we didn't have an emotional relationship or anything that deep.

 

Today: I would avoid any man committed elsewhere for casual sex or a relationship. I am also careful to find out his relationship status instead of making assumptions or ignoring red flags. I have a lot more self-awareness now and know what As entail, even just from LS alone, it's not pretty often and even for casual sex, why take the risk of putting myself in some circle of drama if it is found out, nope. Also, more importantly I'm older than I was then and am at a stage where I only date men who could potentially be my husband and where we can build a life together. A married man or man with a girlfriend is not a good candidate for that and I'm not interested in waiting around or being pulled through any drama. But when I was younger I guess I had less to lose and could throw caution to the wind more easily.

Edited by MissBee
MissBee Established Member

MissBee

Posted
Posted
Not interested in getting involved in a serious R, for many many reasons.

MM happens to be a wonderful lover, smart and generous, witty and super-attentive.

This combination is hard to find, and a random F-buddy just wouldn't do it for me. I need a little bit more substance, but I don't want the risk of getting "seriously" involved. Does that make sense?

 

How's this working?

 

I'm not being facetious or snarky btw. I'm seriously asking if the situation is meeting what you need.

 

I ask because I'm of the opinion (and experience) that you either have no emotional feelings for someone and can have sex with them NSA and that's that or you do...and that makes your relationship one where you're invested and can get hurt, even if you don't realize you're invested. That is, I cannot be genuine NSA FWB with a man I like beyond the sex, as I'm going to become emotionally attached and start to want more. I'm gonna get jealous if he talks to other women, I'm going to start treating him like a bf etc. That was my exAP...we can never be friends or NSA "sex with substance". It would be such a lie. Whereas the other dude with the gf I genuinely had no feelings for him besides he is sexy and fun and good in bed...the end. I had absolutely no emotional investment and didn't needy any "substance" from him.....

 

So I'm curious about how you can get sex and substance but no relationship or be detached or is it that you're not detached or what is it?

central Established Member

central

Posted
Posted
Not interested in getting involved in a serious R, for many many reasons.

MM happens to be a wonderful lover, smart and generous, witty and super-attentive.

This combination is hard to find, and a random F-buddy just wouldn't do it for me. I need a little bit more substance, but I don't want the risk of getting "seriously" involved. Does that make sense?

 

This I can understand. Of course, it still puts the married person's relationship at risk, so I would consider this unethical.

 

There are ways to make it ethical, but given the social conditioning of marriage and monogamy, it's difficult to find anyone who would willingly give their spouse permission to have a lover. I am fortunate in that we have a consensual open relationship, and was able to have a lover/FWB with everyone being fully informed and in agreement.

merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted
OW/MOW, why would you have a relationship with a man you know is married? This is a honest question because I just don't understand. I'm trying to come to grips with all angles of this situation. Are you hoping for a long term exclusive relationship? Is it just sex? Also, how would you feel if a BS called you wanting to understand your side? Has this happened to any of you?

 

SS, this makes me wince that you've opened yourself up this way so soon after your own d-Day. Answers from OW/OM can vary, so I hope they respond with sensitivity to your position, since you don't mention initially how recently you discovered your H's affair. Otherwise, some answers might be kind of hard to take for how you might be feeling right now.

 

I'd suggest reading other threads. I got lots of help with that. Do searches with different search terms like "affair fog" - I don't know. Maybe others can suggest.

 

Just want you to protect yourself right now. You're numb, yes, but vulnerable and people do NOT realize it if they've never been there. If they come across as glib or even critical, it may be hard to process and why should you?

 

Speaking from experience...

  • Like 1
merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted (edited)

Gosh, hope I'm not responsible for stopping the dialogue, but it certainly is interesting that the thread stopped there! Did all the OWs run the other way? Why? I don't think the OPs should stop posting by any means!

 

When I did this, I was asking for insight from a place of disbelief in which nothing makes sense. I desperately needed answers and knowledge. If an OP can respond with a little tact, that's enough. Anyway, please don't make me responsible for her not getting her questions answered!

Edited by merrmeade
enya46 Member

enya46

Posted
Posted (edited)
OW/MOW, why would you have a relationship with a man you know is married? This is a honest question because I just don't understand. I'm trying to come to grips with all angles of this situation. Are you hoping for a long term exclusive relationship? Is it just sex? Also, how would you feel if a BS called you wanting to understand your side? Has this happened to any of you?

 

SamSam,

 

In my case, it started with meeting a person I hadn't seen since university times. Since 23 years. We had two ONS at that time before I left the country.

I had three beautiful letters he sent me. I was nostalgic and my own R wasn't working for me.

 

All this led to contacting this MM (i knew from his cv that he was married with two children). I just sent him a mail to see how life had been for him all these years. He was so happy to get my mail that he gave me his number and we started communicating immediately.

 

I didn't even know how he would look like after all the years and the same with him. When we decided to meet for a drink after one month, it was for me like lightning. His smile was still the same and his conversation so entertaining. As if we had so many things to catch up with.

 

He said he had always hoped to see me again and that he used to think about me from time to time. We talked about his family and my family, we didn't go much into detail about our partners, but we didn't hide them either.

 

After that day, I asked him to meet again. We both knew even if we didn't say anything, what we were up to. We met two months later. He had a business trip and had to fly out from a city near mine so he booked an hotel and picked me up. It was supposed to be a ONS for both of us.

 

Before he boarded the plane the next day, we were all foggy and texting and just couldn't wait to meet again.

 

That's how I started an A with a MM. I didn't think about her and I guess he didn't either. We both thought it would be just a one time thing, for the good old times.

 

Turned out that I fell in love with him big time. He developed feelings for me and we shared more than sex.....until his W found out 8 months later.

 

I do feel selfish. I also had a partner at that time. I did not feel guilty about what I was doing. I would have, if I saw him suffer because of it.

 

The BS has not tried to contact me and if she would, I would feel very uncomfortable because I don't see the point in telling her lies to make her feel better. And I also don't see the point in starting to cry in front of her face telling her that I still love her H.

Why would a BS want to contact the OW? Does she trust that the OW will be more honest to her than the WS? Does she think that the OW is going to tell her the bitter details to make her feel worse? I couldn't do that.

 

E.

Edited by enya46
To answer op last questions
merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted (edited)
SamSam,

In my case, it started with meeting a person I hadn't seen since university times. Since 23 years. We had two ONS at that time before I left the country.

I had three beautiful letters he sent me. I was nostalgic and my own R wasn't working for me.

 

All this led to contacting this MM (i knew from his cv that he was married with two children). I just sent him a mail to see how life had been for him all these years. He was so happy to get my mail that he gave me his number and we started communicating immediately.

.......

That's how I started an A with a MM. I didn't think about her and I guess he didn't either. We both thought it would be just a one time thing, for the good old times.

 

Turned out that I fell in love with him big time. He developed feelings for me and we shared more than sex.....until his W found out 8 months later.

 

I do feel selfish. I also had a partner at that time. I did not feel guilty about what I was doing. I would have, if I saw him suffer because of it.

 

The BS has not tried to contact me and if she would, I would feel very uncomfortable because I don't see the point in telling her lies to make her feel better. And I also don't see the point in starting to cry in front of her face telling her that I still love her H.

Just wanted to say I started out doing this following discovery of my husband's big-time infidelities over many years. I thought about a relationship I'd had years ago, how much I'd felt for this person. He'd even called me to go away with him during a time, I now know, that my husband was having his first affair. So I found the old flame, like E., on a professional site, sent a message, asking if he remembered me and our time together, yadayada. Of course, he did. It had been wonderful. He gave a little of what he was doing currently and mentioned his (second) wife. Maybe that was it, maybe it was just me, but I couldn't take the next step which would have been more individual sharing as if there were no other people in my life - sort of like the way I've realized that my H manages to get close initially to women. Treat them like there's no one else. It was tempting, I really had loved the guy, and he'd love me even more but I couldn't do it. I wrote him back about "our" family, "our" children, "our grandchildren and where "we" had lived and worked over the years. That was enough "us" to say that "I" was not available emotionally or otherwise, I think. He never wrote back. There was his wife, too. I couldn't do it.

 

And I don't regret it. I also don't blame my H or anyone else for my not being able to follow through with it. It's who I am and that won't change. It's like lying to myself, and I guess that's what you have to be able to do to have an affair. Either you have to convince yourself it's justified like my sister-in-law did or you don't think about it, like my husband did. I suppose.

Why would a BS want to contact the OW? Does she trust that the OW will be more honest to her than the WS? Does she think that the OW is going to tell her the bitter details to make her feel worse? I couldn't do that. E.

Now, this is interesting. I did this, too - contacted the OW. And, yes, I thought I could trust that she would be more honest to me than my WS because she was my sister-in-law and I had truly loved and trusted her since my brother married her. It was an incredible blow to the solar plexus of my being to realize that I was the enemy to her (and never knew it until then) and every single interaction put my husband's interest first. It was absolutely devastating. I would NOT recommend it to anyone!

Edited by merrmeade
  • Like 1
eye of the storm Established Member

eye of the storm

Posted
Posted

OP, I am sorry, I know somewhat what you are going thru. It was my H and my best friend. The shock is not easily gotten over with. And she never did come clean with me. I have come to the point where I don't care how or why anymore. I had to get to the point where I stopped asking why and when and how many times and why (i asked that one alot) I had to get to the point where I just accepted it as fact and moved on. It was the thing that got me on the path to normalicy.

 

I became very self destructive in the beginning and that is when I started dating a MM. So I dont recommend you try that.

 

Talk to a licensed therapist they are amazing. Work on you and leave them in your past. Good luck. I hope you find peace soon.

merrmeade Established Member

merrmeade

Posted
Posted
OW/MOW, why would you have a relationship with a man you know is married? This is a honest question because I just don't understand. I'm trying to come to grips with all angles of this situation. Are you hoping for a long term exclusive relationship? Is it just sex? Also, how would you feel if a BS called you wanting to understand your side? Has this happened to any of you?

 

I think I helped get this de-railed a bit, so let me help it get back on track, er, thread:

 

OW/MOW were tapped in this thread's lead query to answer questions about the WHY of their relationship with an MM (which is what usually confounds a BS). She's not interjecting blame or criticism.

 

My posts were BS material in all ways - sorry. I know from my H there's a lot of guilt and blame that OW/OM live with. It's like throwing it in your face to explain why I couldn't have an affair or how the OW hurt me. This is the OW/OM forum for OW/OM issues and I kind of invaded with my own. It's also why it's better to keep OW/OM and BS forums separate. Will say no more, promise not to mess it up again and hope somebody will steer things back to a helpful place for SS.

 

I think she'd get a lot out of reading more explanations like the first posters - being vulnerable, falling in love, MM's influence.

William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

Due to topical material and thread starter not being involved with an otherwise committed partner, per policy, thread moved to GRD and re-titled for clarity.

Minnie09 Established Member

Minnie09

Posted
Posted
How's this working?

 

I'm not being facetious or snarky btw. I'm seriously asking if the situation is meeting what you need.

 

I ask because I'm of the opinion (and experience) that you either have no emotional feelings for someone and can have sex with them NSA and that's that or you do...and that makes your relationship one where you're invested and can get hurt, even if you don't realize you're invested. That is, I cannot be genuine NSA FWB with a man I like beyond the sex, as I'm going to become emotionally attached and start to want more. I'm gonna get jealous if he talks to other women, I'm going to start treating him like a bf etc. That was my exAP...we can never be friends or NSA "sex with substance". It would be such a lie. Whereas the other dude with the gf I genuinely had no feelings for him besides he is sexy and fun and good in bed...the end. I had absolutely no emotional investment and didn't needy any "substance" from him.....

 

So I'm curious about how you can get sex and substance but no relationship or be detached or is it that you're not detached or what is it?

 

I am sorry for not answering this for a while. Too much going on (work, business trips).....Answer is: I don't know. I do know that I do get a little sad when he's e.g. on vacation with his W and contacts me less during that time, and I catch myself wishing I was her, BUT as soon as I think about it more thoroughly, I am thinking about what it would mean. It would mean that I would have to accept that whole package, and I don't think I am willing to do that anyways. I don't want to live with him, share everything with him, in good and in bad times. Sure I get jealous, but I know it's just an emotion, and I am the one who wouldn't want the consequences of a committed relationship. I enjoy my freedom. I know what committed relationships are like. I don't think I am made for that. Been there done that, tried it all out. Got disappointed. I am now independent.

 

I only get sad when I think he's doing something without me that I would want to be a part of, you know? And it's usually not related to a house renovation or yard work. Haha.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...