turningpoint Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 So quick question about physical attraction and men. I went out with this guy months ago for 2 months. We met online. He ended it because he wasn't as physically attracted to me as he wanted to be. Long story short, somehow we ended up becoming very close friends. We did make out and had sex multiple times. It was all pretty great, but I am overweight. I'm not obese, do get checked out, have a beautiful face, but am not in the best shape physically. He's only had 2 serious girlfriends in the past and both of them were tiny. Maybe around 5'1 and somewhere around 100 pounds. I'm 5'2 and I am around 145 pounds but carry it very well (most people think I'm in the 130s range). I had a realization about a week ago that his lack of physical attraction to me may be weight related. A week before he ended it, he did ask me some question about if I was happy with how I look and we both ended up discussing weight and fitness. This guy very much enjoys my personality and has told me several times, that he is attracted to me to some degree, and might potentially want to try being in a relationship with me, but the physical attraction is a problem for him. He's never once implied I have a weight problem ever. I'm just mainly confused about the physical attraction bit since he does think I have a beautiful face, loves my personality, and clearly was attracted enough to me to be sexual with me for almost 2 months. I do want to add I am trying to be healthier for this holiday I'm going on in a couple of months and for my own personal goals. And also in the past I was around 115 or 120, was super confident and happy with my looks and want to get back to that. Anyway, I am working out and being healthier for these reasons mainly. As silly as this question is, I am just curious about how much weight impacts physical attraction for a guy? Even a weight difference of 20-30 pounds? I tend to never think of this with guys (unless they are obese) and I have gained weight with ex-boyfriends but all of my exes met me when I was at my optimal weight (around 120) so it was different.
theLWord Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 If he wasn't physically attracted to you, don't worry about it. It may have been weight relayed, maybe not. Don't beat yourself up over not being as skinny as his exes or whatever. Can't be everyone's type. No big deal. There are plenty of guys who will find you physically attractive no matter what you look like. Work on loving yourself. If you want to lose weight, do it for yourself, not that doucher. 9
d0nnivain Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 If you don't like your own looks, it will come across in how you project yourself to the world. 1
oberkeat Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I personally won't date a girl who is even slightly overweight. I like thin girls with perky butts. But that's just one person's preference. There are plenty of quality guys out there for whom weight is not an issue. Find one of those guys and forget this other guy.
stillafool Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I think if this guys exes were all 5'1 AND 100LBS it was your weight that he found unattractive. There are plenty of men who don't mind some extra pounds so if I were you I'd date them.
BikerAccnt Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Weight can be an issue for some people, for others not so much. It also depends upon how you carry your weight, and what it's make up is. My GF is 5'2" and 155 lbs, but it is solid muscle for the most part. She runs, lifts, boxes and is very athletic. She just ran a tough mudder yesterday. Normally, if I saw someone who said they were that height and weight, you instantly think, overweight. But she's far from it. Some guys still wouldn't like that, I do. So find a guy who likes you as you are, and of course, try to improve your health, regardless of it's effect on your "weight". Feeling better about yourself, will attract others to you naturally. 3
JungleLover Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 The women I have date have ranged from 5'2 and 108 lbs to 6 feet and about 190. I don't get caught up in the numbers. If they are well proportioned and not insecure about extra pounds, I am fine. If I think you are sexy with your extra weight, don't ruin it for me by trying to convince me that you are not sexy because then I may start seeing the reasons why I may have been wrong. 4
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 This guy very much enjoys my personality and has told me several times, that he is attracted to me to some degree, and might potentially want to try being in a relationship with me, but the physical attraction is a problem for him. How many more waffle words could he squeeze into a sentence Relationships are built on physical attraction and a common core of values and personalities. Sounds like he tried to let you down gently by saying "maybe" he'd consider dating you regardless of your appearance, but it's obvious appearance/attraction was an issue for him. Don't take it personally. 5'2" and 145 is not a big girl. 6
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 My GF is 5'2" and 155 lbs, but it is solid muscle for the most part. She runs, lifts, boxes and is very athletic. She just ran a tough mudder yesterday. Normally, if I saw someone who said they were that height and weight, you instantly think, overweight. But she's far from it. Some guys still wouldn't like that, I do. ^ And this. BMI is ridiculously unreliable and incorrect, so don't automatically judge that weight / height = bad. 2
HappyLove Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 The only problem I see here is that you still gave this guy the time of day AFTER he ended it with you for not being attracted to you. Now you're wanting to lose weight to feel better but I'm sure a HUGE part of it is to be attractive to this guy who isn't worth one second more of your time. He's a jerk and will gladly use you AGAIN after you lose the weight. Don't allow people to treat you like this. You owe yourself better! As far as weight goes anyone who doesn't feel comfortable or not their best should get in shape for themselves and no one else! 6
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I would estimate that your weight/body contributes to about 50-60 percent of an attraction factor for men on average. It's no small deal, and having a "beautiful face", which can be a different perspective/opinion between men and women and often is (women are often more detail oriented and isolate features, men look at the total package)...isn't enough to overcome your body if that is not within the man's preference or he is not interested in women with that kind of shape/body type/weight and doesn't find you attractive overall. I have no idea what your body looks like just for the record, I couldn't make an assessment without pictures/photos. Yes, men can recognize you are pretty in the face but women often tend to be the one to exaggerate that "value" so to speak on it's own, but for the guy your head is connected to your body and he will assess the whole package, and is really the judge of that in terms of attraction to him. You can do your make-up like a professional, and your hair, and your nails, perfect dress/style, perfect demeanor to what that guy likes but if you're too overweight to that guy...none of it really matters to him. For men in general finding a woman that is attractive but overweight, is like liking a car that you you are pretty much satisfied with overall, but you don't necessarily like the body style of it, effectively making it not the right car for you. Sure you might test drive it, again everything feels great, no real issues, maybe even rent it out for a weekend trip just to give it a try for a longer time, but ultimately you're not signing the contract to purchase it, because it's not something you REALLY like...you have the whole package, except the outside isn't satisfactory, and for some guys the looks are everything or at least a huge part of the package, maybe even 80 percent of it for some, but even on average it's a factor because it affects attraction for men. You'll have to ignore the example of the car, I'm just trying to make it simple for simplicity sake to understand how men think. Women often think that variables turn the tide...like their personality, their pretty face, or how they treat a man or whatever else...but for men if it's not right, it's not right (speaking about men with options here)...and chances are, never will be, even if you lost the weight. However if you are considerably overweight it may change his view on willing to try, if you lost it. You're much better off finding a guy who likes you for you at your weight now, then going down...or just going down in weight just for yourself, don't do it for this guy, he will find something else wrong...and even if you lost the weight, I can pretty much guarantee you he won't be sticking around in the long-term anyway. You have to consider the fact that guys throw around a lot of excuses simply to avoid commitment, you shouldn't take everything they say to you to heart...in fact, most of it you should let go in one ear and out the other. "My GF is 5'2" and 155 lbs, but it is solid muscle for the most part." This isn't the norm, not sure why this justifies an argument...the vast majority of women are not solid muscle at 5'2 155. However if the OP desires to become a bodybuilder, this may be relevant. 1
SummerDreams Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Do you really give value to a guy who loves everything about a girl but doesn't proceed to a relationship with her cause of her ... weight? I'd never speak to this person again. Period. 1
isisisweeping Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Do you really give value to a guy who loves everything about a girl but doesn't proceed to a relationship with her cause of her ... weight? I'd never speak to this person again. Period. It's not fair to imply he's a bad person because attraction does matter. I wouldn't think someone was a bad person if he wouldn't date me because of how my body looks. I wouldn't date him when my body looked better, but friends is possible. 8
SummerDreams Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 It's not fair to imply he's a bad person because attraction does matter. I wouldn't think someone was a bad person if he wouldn't date me because of how my body looks. I wouldn't date him when my body looked better, but friends is possible. I never implied he is bad rather than shallow. If this woman had some more negatives except from her (as he sees is) body flaws, then he would be justified not wanting a relationship with her (for example, She is arrogant plus I don't like her body). In the contrary he admits that everything else on her are ideal but he can't get over the fact of some extra pounds she has. He doesn't deserve her, not as a partner nor as a friend. 1
JungleLover Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 It's not fair to imply he's a bad person because attraction does matter. I wouldn't think someone was a bad person if he wouldn't date me because of how my body looks. I wouldn't date him when my body looked better, but friends is possible. Right. Attraction is important in a relationship. A person really can't help what physical trait attracts them. It really isn't a decision they make and you can't talk them into being attracted to a physical trait.
aprilisi Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You sound like a good, healthy size to me....but I'm a woman. So he's not attracted to you, but you slept together? Sounds like a player to me. I wouldn't even be friends with the guy. He's just keeping you on the back burner 3
Gaeta Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Let him find himself a skinny girl, that's how he likes them. Plenty of men would love to date a sexy curvy lady like you. When I was 125lbs I had no butt, little breasts and a long thin face. I attracted lots of men that liked that type. Now I am 150lbs with a real butt , good hips and full DD. I get as much attention from men, maybe more !! If a man would tell me he'd like me thinner I'd next him, I happen to like myself the way I am. 3
Author turningpoint Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 Thanks everyone. I'm not really losing weight for him. I think after dating him for 2 months and having him dump me because of lack of physical attraction, does make me worry that I need to work on my physical appearance more. As I said, when I met my exes, I was at my thinnest and felt very confident in my looks. This is the first time I've dated at a larger size. This guy felt very compatible to me, and according to him he really "tried" to make it work but the physical attraction was not there for him. I do want my confidence back and am planning to lose more weight but honestly, I do think I look good at this weight as well (just not great nor good enough to rock a bikini or anything). I'm just worried that this situation will happen again or that I won't attract more guys because I'm not putting more effort into my physical health. I will admit it wasn't right of him to date me for 2 months and force it, especially to bring sex into the equation, and that is a jerk move on his part. At the same time, he is pretty inexperienced with women and had mentioned that he was hoping our strong emotional connection would outweigh the physical attraction bit but it doesn't. It just hit me this last week that his lack of physical attraction is probably from my weight, and does worry me a bit that my weight may turn off other guys. I understand what you mean about finding a guy who likes me for my current weight. But even I'm not happy with my current weight. I'm content, but certainly not happy... which probably does impact my outward confidence.
TXGuy Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I don't understand the hostility heaped on the guy (jerk, doosh nozzle, etc). He went out with her for two months. He never said she was fat. The OP even points out he never said it was her weight. He simply said he was not feeling the attraction he needed to go forward with a relationship. Of course the OP (and the rest of us) know it was very likely her weight. That was the only alternative the OP provided. 3
veggirl Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I never implied he is bad rather than shallow. If this woman had some more negatives except from her (as he sees is) body flaws, then he would be justified not wanting a relationship with her (for example, She is arrogant plus I don't like her body). In the contrary he admits that everything else on her are ideal but he can't get over the fact of some extra pounds she has. He doesn't deserve her, not as a partner nor as a friend. Oh come on. So it's okay to dump someone for a personality flaw (arrogant) but not a physical one (overweight). One is shallow, one is not? No, neither are. They are both part of the total package. Most of us want our partner to be attracted to our TOTALITY which INCLUDES how we look. We don't live in a fantasy land where pounds melt away because I think you have a cool personality. 6
HappyLove Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 So what did he look like? Did he look like he stepped out of a GQ magazine? 1
aprilisi Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 It's ok if men aren't interested because we're big, I'm big and I understand this. To each their own. But when you date us, sleep with us....act all boyfriendy then say "I'm not ready for a relationship" that's different. And yes, maybe I'm a bit jaded. I have known men who do this. If you're not attracted just stay away from us. 1
jay1983 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Forget about the guy. It could've been your weight if he's exes were like you described. Moving forward I just did a google for girls 5'2' 150 - 160. That's not really that big, some of them look fine to me. The question is, where is most of the weight? The ones that I didn't find attractive had most of there weight in the stomach area.
ascendotum Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I'm just worried that this situation will happen again or that I won't attract more guys because I'm not putting more effort into my physical health. Start dating more and find out. That was just 1 guy, and you don't even know for sure that was the reason. I suspect it is given his 100lb exes, but don't get too down on your prospects just yet on that one experience.
todreaminblue Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Any guy who thinks you are good enough to have sex with but then says not good enough to have a relationship with ....should eb avoided.....in my experience this a is a path to sadness and insecurity for you never feeling good enough.....do not change for another change for yourself if he doesnt accept you or is not physically attracted to you because of weight what would happen if you lost a leg.....or an arm or became ill.....or put on weight in the future or became blind or deaf or whatever......a relationship is about good and bad times if he isnt attracted to you when you are a little heavy question what he needs from you to stay attracted to you and then realize your body could have many things happen to it where he would go nah not good enough for me i date as a bigger girl first.......to me that it eliminates certain type of men who are attracted to me when i lose weight i dont like the way they look at me or treat me well because i look ideal to them ...to me its false...and its normally sexual..and not true to my heart to date that type of guy......i need a guy who finds something deeper than my outside.....who sees me beautiful in spite of the scales....if they cant see it they dont get it and never will....... when i was thinner(ill never be a stick figure)....i had all these guys chasing me.......and i was extremely fit......i ended up dating someone just to stop them chasing me.....one of them said to the guy i dated (he didnt know the guy was dating me, they both worked the door together ).....i have been trying for months to get her man i am out of ideas do you know her at all what does she like.......and the guy responded yeah man she is dating me and this really good looking guy said to him ....i dont believe you....because the guy i was dating was only five foot tall and here he was women fawning all over him and he couldnt have me.....thats the reason i wasnt interested, he was arrogant and only interested in sex he made fun of bigger women adn said how disgusting they were, ......so i prefer to date as a bigger woman than be chased by guys who only look at me from the outside......i will get fit but not for a guy to like me first.....ill do it for me...stuff them............deb 1
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