male1432 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) Me and my girlfriend have been together for a year now and im 30 shes 27 and things are perfect in every way apart from the bedroom, the sex when it happens is good but she doesn't seem very adventorous its always me initiating and i'd say if i tried about 5 times she'd reject me 2 or 3 times in the week. She has said she wants sex once or twice a week at most because of having a 2 year old she's always stressed and tired so i understand and dont ask for much more. The problem is she says shes too shy to try new things, she never gives me oral and basically its always me doing all the work. We've spoke about kids and moving in together, she says im an amazing parent to her kid and love them both. Everything is perfect but the sex Anyway while messing about on her laptop looking at photos for the little lad of hers scrapbook she stumbled over pictures of her in sexy outfits which she did for her ex. We spoke a bit about it and it didn't bother me much until I found out she did practically anything to keep him, bj's, sexy outfits, asking him what he likes and 'is there anything you want me to do that i dont already as making you satisfied makes me so happy' yet shes never asked me what i like or want and never really made an effort. This obviously made me feel sick, rejected, stupid and to be honest pretty **** about myself and never had a problem with confidence but knowing she was prepared to do anything to make him happy but wont be hurts. She says im the best shes ever had but i no that line is just something people say and also that she wants to try things with me but doesn't have the confidence. I dont understand how her ex who walked out on her time and time again and treat her like ****, even walked out 3 days after bringing there new born child home he left because the child was crying and didnt contact her for 4 weeks. She tells me she only did them things to bribe him to stay and doesnt want it that way anymore which i kind of understand but then another part of me think that i DO kind of deserve these things he got yet i dont get them. its all confusing me, i dont feel satisfied anymore and feel its breaking us apart because i cant stop thinking about how dirty she was with ex and how she wanted to try new things yet with me we try nothing, ive even tried not mentioning sex at all to see if she misses it and it can go a week without her saying anything so i obviously give in and try again. I cant figure out if im just being a complete idiot letting this bother me or whether im right in being concerned. I even told her once that if theres no chemistry that way for her we should call it off because if there isnt any now itll only get worse to which she replied we do have loads of chemistry but she just isnt comfotable yet because she did things for ex she didnt like and he still walked out so she says shes scared that she might do them wrong or be rubbish at it and i might leave also. Shes cried her heart out in front of me begging me not to leave her and telling me shes trying. am i being a jerk here? for the record she's the best ive had and not because of the effort she puts in but because of how much i love her, but i feel now that im rubbish at it with her and shes not enjoying it the same which is completly ruining it all for me. Ive tried to be understanding but i cant seem to shift the thoughts of them out my head because im not getting the same person he got. I want her to be comfortable and relaxed with me, i dont pressure or ask her to do anything when we're doing it i just leave her to relax and massage her etc loads. feel im really trying and whenever she does anything new i always tell her how amazing it is to make her feel confident. Starting to think maybe the chase with ex was more exciting and she just daren't admit to me that because im always there helping with the kid and things that she doesnt desire me as much for the fact im available. Edited August 10, 2014 by male1432
AndrewJDC Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You need to get the ex out of your head, no good can come of it. The relationship was different with a different dynamic. She felt she HAD to be like that to retain the relationship, with you she doesn't. She is comfortable and happy and unfortunately for you that means leaving the inner pornstar behind. 2
Author male1432 Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 You need to get the ex out of your head, no good can come of it. The relationship was different with a different dynamic. She felt she HAD to be like that to retain the relationship, with you she doesn't. She is comfortable and happy and unfortunately for you that means leaving the inner pornstar behind. When i did bring it up she told me im acting like an 18 year old and frustratingly i agree. I think for my ego i want to know she loves it with me, shes said 'i wouldnt talk about kids and marrying you if i wasnt satisfied, its so much easier being with you becaause im confident you wont leave but im not confident im doing anything right in bed so give me time, i feel like youve done a lot in your past with woman and i wont compare' hate that because it makes me feel im being a complete idiot and not being understanding but im trying to make her comfotable and trying to show her shes amazing at everything. Guess you're right that i need to let this go, hate analysing sex life when ive never done it before but shes been the one woman i actually want to enjoy me, never gave it a thoight before but with her i love her and want to know she enjoys me too. Guess if she initiated a few times id feel better about it. Ill again give it time and just be understanding but it is making me feel like my ego is shot.
Noproblem Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Well, she doesn't treat you the same way she treated her ex because she finally figured it out When you treat someone nicely and give them everything they want and put them on a pedestal They will treat you badly, use you, disrespect you, and eventually leave you. She learned her lesson the hard way, time for you to do the same! 1
Smilecharmer Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 First of all, no, I don't think you are being a jerk. I think she is getting by with to he minimum of sex she has to with a toddler and not very adventurous. If you are having sex so seldom after such a short period of time, it will only get worse. My humble opinion is thay you are a good provider and father figure to her child but not the hot lover to her. She gets dirty and rewards an ex that treated her like crap but she won't even give you a bj? Honestly, you are incompatible and you need to decide if you can live with mediocre sex where she rejects you half the time. I've raised toddlers and while the number of times varied, the hotness of the experience and my enthusiasm did not. I also didn't reject my man when I had small children outright. Sometimes I would just fall asleep and he knew and he did feel neglected but when we did have sex it was beautiful and raw and dirty and lovely. Sex is one of the ways how my spouse shows me his feelings, and if I'm rejecting that then I'm disallowing him to be intimate with me. It isn't so much the number of times as her lackluster participation that would bother me. I don't know exactly what is going on as I'm not in it but to me it seems like she found some guy to treat her well, take care of her and her child and be different than her ex. However, does she feel the same passion and need for you as her ex? Not in my opinion. You are a good provider. I would find someone who loves me enough to want me with passion. 5
ascendotum Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) You need to get the ex out of your head, no good can come of it. The relationship was different with a different dynamic. She felt she HAD to be like that to retain the relationship, with you she doesn't. She is comfortable and happy and unfortunately for you that means leaving the inner pornstar behind. This could be true, but at the same time I could also well be she does not lust after the OP like she did with the ex. As SC said he could be just playing the role of good father figure & provider. I would feel the same as the OP, and have in a similar situation, and it again she was anything goes to please them. I felt less special and it was not going to be long term relationship for me. Not strictly just because of her revelations but an adventurous sex life is important to me, and this issue just topped it off. She says im the best shes ever had but i no that line is just something people say and also that she wants to try things with me but doesn't have the confidence." This rings hollow and comes off as bs..imo. She is the happiest most secure she's been but has less confidence with him than with the deadbeat ex. ????? I have seen other posts like this before and women here will say its their business/decision to decide how to treat different bfs (different time in their life /different relationship dynamic), and the just because she was raunchy for one doesn't obligate her to be raunchy for the next one. Her prerogative and difference of opinion will be noted but for me it will boil down to feeling less special regardless. My prerogative. Good luck with coming to terms with this OP. Edited August 10, 2014 by ascendotum 1
Sunfire73 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You're not a jerk for feeling this way. Your feelings are valid and she should understand where you're coming from. She is selfish and only thinks of what she likes. You're sex u ally incompatible and she doesn't adjust or compromise to where both of you meet their needs. She is using you to fulfill a role of a father yet she doesn't fulfill hers as a wife. I don't see this working out when you get married. It will worsen coz I don't think she values you that much. 1
central Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You are sexually incompatible and she's using you. Dump her while you still can. 2
Gaeta Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 First of all, no, I don't think you are being a jerk. I think she is getting by with to he minimum of sex she has to with a toddler and not very adventurous. If you are having sex so seldom after such a short period of time, it will only get worse. My humble opinion is thay you are a good provider and father figure to her child but not the hot lover to her. She gets dirty and rewards an ex that treated her like crap but she won't even give you a bj? Honestly, you are incompatible and you need to decide if you can live with mediocre sex where she rejects you half the time. I've raised toddlers and while the number of times varied, the hotness of the experience and my enthusiasm did not. I also didn't reject my man when I had small children outright. Sometimes I would just fall asleep and he knew and he did feel neglected but when we did have sex it was beautiful and raw and dirty and lovely. Sex is one of the ways how my spouse shows me his feelings, and if I'm rejecting that then I'm disallowing him to be intimate with me. It isn't so much the number of times as her lackluster participation that would bother me. I don't know exactly what is going on as I'm not in it but to me it seems like she found some guy to treat her well, take care of her and her child and be different than her ex. However, does she feel the same passion and need for you as her ex? Not in my opinion. You are a good provider. I would find someone who loves me enough to want me with passion. This is also my opinion. OP this is not a woman for you to have a long term relationship with. The difference between you and her ex is simply she was in love with him, she is not with you. 3
stillafool Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Her ex treated her like dirt yet she could still put on sexy outfits, give bjs etc., even after she just had a baby. Yet now she has a 2 year old and is too tired to do anything extra for you. She did those things for her ex because she desired him and would do anything to get and keep his attention. You would think that now that she has a man who is there for her she would be doing more to show you how grateful she is. I don't see this working out for you and it is clear she cared far more for him than you. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I think you can find a better match, and will be much happier when you do.
GemmaUK Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 How often do you suggest and then try out new things to her OP? It does take two to tango after all! One being imaginative can lead the other to follow..it's how people grow and learn sexually with one another. I'm not surprised she isn't into dressing up and being Miss Dom every night of the week. It's OK for a special occasion but feels fake if you have to do it always. It was a good few years before I ever dressed up specifically for sex when in my long term relationship. He said himself it was me he wanted and sexy underwear is OK but it's a bit pointless when it's on the floor! Also, the terrible two's is hard work! Do you still 'date' her and romance her to make her feel special? Still flirt with her? Do you touch her - as in when you walk past while she is stirring a pan or doing something or other and you put your hands on her waist and kiss her neck with passion? (my knees still tremble at the memory of that and how passionate one of my ex's was - 14 years and we always had a very good, fun, hot and hmmmm sex life) I do take it that you ensure she is....satisfied? To be really honest when a man has no real willingness to pleasure me then I have much less willingness to return the gesture. Men do tend to get satisfaction almost 100% of the time sexually whereas women don't.
insert_name Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Unlucky OP, seems like yet another one of those situations where the woman has got the man exactly where she wants him- a good provider for the nipper and accepting his irregular ration of sex (even if not totally happy about it). Whilst the bad boy ex not only got the milk without buying the cow, he's having the last laugh because he's pissing on the nice guy's chips vicariously through his ex's behaviour. Man, how often do we hear this? Others have pretty much nailed it, she's too comfortable with you. Doesn't have to work to keep your attention. She may complain about having to objectify herself for her ex, but really once in a while that's the sort of thing she should be doing for you not because you want it but because she wants to do it for you because she knows what it would mean to you. And a girl of 27 should be only too happy for an excuse to make herself feel hot with a guy who is attracted to her. That's what gets me, has she totally grown out of that sort of behaviour or is she just with a guy that doesn't merit it from her? Generally I don't think games are a good idea, but in this case, you may see some improvement if you can prove to her that you have other offers and she needs to raise her game if she still wants you around. Good luck. 1
ktya Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I read into this situation deeper. The ex loved her and she roped him in with a kid. He was just as frustrated as you because he wanted sex to be fun and not just a vehicle to procreate. He got fed up after a while and said screw this I'm not staying with a frigid woman and left. She did the pictures, the bj all that to try to keep her baby daddy in her life. He probably was threatening to leave already which is how she got pregnant (whoops dear I forgot a pill). He knew she wouldn't change and left. Now you come along and your a good provider and your wanting a better sex life. Eventually you will leave and get your bj and dirty pictures, come back and things will return to the same Eventually you won't come back and another guy will be in your shoes.
BDL Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You two aren't a good match. She's looking for a provider. You're looking for a sex playmate.
acrosstheuniverse Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 OP, maybe she felt pressured into doing all of these things for her ex to keep him around. Perhaps she had higher limits for what she'd tolerate, because she wasn't just dating him, she wanted to keep the family together for her child. Maybe he was a douche but that experience has taught her only ever to do what makes her happy from now on, in the bedroom. I used to have a controlling and paranoid boyfriend I'd do all sorts of things for that I would never do for anyone else anymore (nothing sexual, just altering the way I lived my life). I'd had incredibly passionate sexual relationships with people I haven't even been in relationships with, or with boyfriends, and I've had mediocre sex with people I've not had relationships with and with boyfriends too. Maybe one of the reasons she loves you is because you don't pressurise her into doing things of a sexual nature. If the sex is amazing for you, because you love her etc., then perhaps you should focus more on working on your jealousy and thinking about her with this dude, because it sounds more like a case of jealousy than an actual dissatisfaction with the relationship and her. I imagine if she hadn't had disclosed to you that her sex with this ex was wild you'd not be sitting and getting angry now that you're happy with the sex you're having.
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