rocketboy9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I just finished reading this book called "Stumbling in the Dark". Interesting book about the dynamics of men/women. Basically in a nutshell it tells you to be detached about the outcome of dating and that you should tell women up front that its ok if they reject. That it wont be a problem. This got me to wondering though, how direct do women really want men to be? I have read repeatedly that women need to hear that you desire them. That you should be direct with them about your desires (not being crass not withstanding) and that men have been coached over the years to cloak their desires from women. The cloaking is about power, that if women know you want them it puts the power in their hands. I have never really believed that as I just assumed its more basic, men want women, women are a finite resource so by definition they are in control. LOL. Do women really want to hear from men directly that we desire them? That we want to be with them?
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I like a man to let me know he desires me through his body language (flirting,etc). But I also like to let a man know aggressively that I desire him. I wouldn't call it a power struggle, but a push and pull dance that builds up sexual tension. 2
Author rocketboy9 Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 I think the goal would be to be true to YOURSELF and go for what you want honestly. Rather than play games and promote a power struggle. And women are not a resource. No offense was meant. Everyone is a resource by definition. In companies today people are not referred to as people nor employees. They are referred to as resources. Even in MS Project people are referred to as a resources. 1
Author rocketboy9 Posted August 10, 2014 Author Posted August 10, 2014 I will give an example of what I am talking about - say a guy was flirting with you back and forth. This is not a total stranger, but a guy you know. What if he told you how much he desired you and wanted to be with you? That you click with her on many levels (mental, emotional physical). Too strong? Would it scare her? The reason I am asking is that a woman I am very friendly with gave me a very graphic description of her body today in a bikini. I didn't know really what to say as men have been taught to mask their desires (and I do want her in a huge way).
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You goof you should of said, wow that sounds hot!
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I will give an example of what I am talking about - say a guy was flirting with you back and forth. This is not a total stranger, but a guy you know. What if he told you how much he desired you and wanted to be with you? That you click with her on many levels (mental, emotional physical). Too strong? Would it scare her? The reason I am asking is that a woman I am very friendly with gave me a very graphic description of her body today in a bikini. I didn't know really what to say as men have been taught to mask their desires (and I do want her in a huge way). Describing ones hot body and giving someone some dribble about wanting the be with them wholly and completely are two different things. One is lust the other is passion.
Phoe Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I realllllyyy don't like for men to be too forward. I prefer a man to show some retraint. It is more respectful in my eyes.
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I just finished reading this book called "Stumbling in the Dark". Interesting book about the dynamics of men/women. Basically in a nutshell it tells you to be detached about the outcome of dating and that you should tell women up front that its ok if they reject. That it wont be a problem. This got me to wondering though, how direct do women really want men to be? I have read repeatedly that women need to hear that you desire them. That you should be direct with them about your desires (not being crass not withstanding) and that men have been coached over the years to cloak their desires from women. The cloaking is about power, that if women know you want them it puts the power in their hands. I have never really believed that as I just assumed its more basic, men want women, women are a finite resource so by definition they are in control. LOL. Do women really want to hear from men directly that we desire them? That we want to be with them? From what I gather, women do want to feel that you desire them, but you have to do that in a respectful way. Finding the balance between bold and crude is very difficult. Many women question how attractive they are or have low self-esteem and want a guy to reassure them. I realllllyyy don't like for men to be too forward. I prefer a man to show some retraint. It is more respectful in my eyes. Ha! Seriously? Come on Phoe 1
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I don't think it's just women.....men want the acknowledgement just as bad. 2
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I don't think it's just women.....men want the acknowledgement just as bad. I don't need a woman I'm dating to tell me that she thinks I'm attractive, or that she wants me or any of that. The fact that she's dating me is more than enough. 1
Phoe Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Ha! Seriously? Come on Phoe Yes, seriously. If I dated a guy who got too forward too quickly, I'd be way turned off. While in a relationship it's different. He can be forward and direct all he wants. But during the dating phase? No. Not even. Sets a bad tone IMO
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I gave you like for the first part but the second part, not necessarily. Some want to know if you're interested. A comment could be: Sounds gorgeous. And speaking of gorgeous, Saturday's going to be nice day. Will you be at the beach? That sounds lame.
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Should say: wow that's hot! How about you and me head to the beach on saturday, pick you up at around 11 ish?
smackie9 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 So does, wow, that's hot! Notice the difference in preferences? She's a tart graphically describing her new bikini, that's what she is expecting. 1
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I don't need a woman I'm dating to tell me that she thinks I'm attractive, or that she wants me or any of that. The fact that she's dating me is more than enough. Heh, then you like half my post I do agree with your previous post that I liked. Respectful innuendo is the key. It shows interest but doesn't cross the line. Once dating happens, the line can get moved further back. 2
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Yes, seriously. If I dated a guy who got too forward too quickly, I'd be way turned off. While in a relationship it's different. He can be forward and direct all he wants. But during the dating phase? No. Not even. Sets a bad tone IMO But, that's exactly what your boyfriend did before you guys became official. So what you're saying now is a bit confusing
Phoe Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 But, that's exactly what your boyfriend did before you guys became official. So what you're saying now is a bit confusing What exactly are you referring to?
daisydook Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I absolutely do, otherwise I will treat you like the piece of meat you are acting like, and treating me like. To put it bluntly.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I don't need a woman I'm dating to tell me that she thinks I'm attractive, or that she wants me or any of that. The fact that she's dating me is more than enough. I always kinda felt like this but from the opposite end. I don't think I could deal with never hearing whether the guy thought I was attractive/desirable because honestly, just dating someone means jacks****t; he could simply be bored/lonely. However, I seriously don't need to be constantly flattered and complimented. At a certain point it begins to feel mechanical and disingenuous. But to be fair, for a long time I thought most guys were like you and didn't really care about that kind of stuff until I looked over at mine one day and kinda went "Goddamn you're cute as hell!" His eyes lit up and he's like "Really!?" Because in what was probably like 6 months or so at that point I don't think I'd ever told him how physically attractive I thought he was. It just never occurred to me that he might like hearing that from time to time. 4
D.Mc. Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Hi Rocketboy9, Some women want a man who expresses himself as, to reword the saying used by men about women: a gentleman in the street & a freak in the sheets. I don't think most women would be offended by an honest direct declaration of any feelings, love or lust or whatever at the APPROPRIATE time. When that time is varies with each & every woman (and the man). 2
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 What exactly are you referring to? The fact that he was very forward, didn't show restraint and it worked on you. Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten together... Can you see why I'm confused?
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I always kinda felt like this but from the opposite end. I don't think I could deal with never hearing whether the guy thought I was attractive/desirable because honestly, just dating someone means jacks****t; he could simply be bored/lonely. However, I seriously don't need to be constantly flattered and complimented. At a certain point it begins to feel mechanical and disingenuous. So you want flatteration in moderation But to be fair, for a long time I thought most guys were like you and didn't really care about that kind of stuff until I looked over at mine one day and kinda went "Goddamn you're cute as hell!" His eyes lit up and he's like "Really!?" Because in what was probably like 6 months or so at that point I don't think I'd ever told him how physically attractive I thought he was. It just never occurred to me that he might like hearing that from time to time. Well yeah, getting a physical compliment is definitely nice. But I don't think they're required. As you said, it was 6 months and that was the first time you complimented his looks. Imagine how you would feel if after 6 months he never said anything like that to you? Now that I think about it, my ex GF never gave me any compliments on my looks. Only on my intelligence, being funny and sweet. She probably thought I was ugly ...... ........... 1
Phoe Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 The fact that he was very forward, didn't show restraint and it worked on you. Otherwise you wouldn't have gotten together... Can you see why I'm confused? I'm not understanding. He showed ALOT of restraint. He did not kiss me on the first date. He did not push for sex or make any innuendos. He did not get overly physical with me which would've made me uncomfortable. He happily waited when I said I wanted to wait for sex. I've made men wait 2 months just for a KISS. Being direct and forward with physical or sexual desires will send me into hermitcrab status.
somedude81 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I'm not understanding. He showed ALOT of restraint. He did not kiss me on the first date. He did not push for sex or make any innuendos. He did not get overly physical with me which would've made me uncomfortable. He happily waited when I said I wanted to wait for sex. I've made men wait 2 months just for a KISS. Being direct and forward with physical or sexual desires will send me into hermitcrab status. OK, I'm not going to argue with you. If you say that he showed restraint, then that's just what it is. And making men wait two months for a kiss? Wow.
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 So you want flatteration in moderation Ha, something like that. In all honesty what I'm most comfortable with is the occasional verbal 'checking in'. The little word here and there that lets me know, yeah...he's still hot for me . Well yeah, getting a physical compliment is definitely nice. But I don't think they're required. As you said, it was 6 months and that was the first time you complimented his looks. True but in between then he'd said some things which in retrospect might have been hints? Clues? Idk... that showed he was sort of angling to see what I thought of him. His ex was .... mean. Towards the end she said she didn't find him attractive anymore, used to pinch his cheeks and call him "chubby" in a cruel way - mind you this guy's in the gym 5/6 days a week and has a very nice body. Imagine how you would feel if after 6 months he never said anything like that to you? Now that I think about it, my ex GF never gave me any compliments on my looks. Only on my intelligence, being funny and sweet. She probably thought I was ugly ...... ........... Oh I'd be mortified. In truth well before then I'd probably have been driven (in a vehicle fueled solely by insecurity alone) to ask him outright what he thought of me ...and then ended it out of sheer mortification of having been brought so low! Yes, we women are sane creatures at all times, I know . My point is, I feel there's some truth in your last sentence. Whether you admit it to yourself or not, it's nice to know FOR CERTAIN your SO finds you attractive.
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