Controlling Ex

[KelleyH]

In December 2012, I became friends with this girl at Publix, the store I work at right now. Her name was Kelsey and she had long hair, beautiful striking blue eyes, small and toned body and absolutely breathtaking. She was dating this guy named Sean at the time and he was using her solely for sex because she was getting over her previous relationship that was a year long. We had very deep conversations, debated life and love and ended up texting constantly. I became her rock and helped her through the times with Sean to realize that she was more than that. We were best friends and I kept my crush secret for months. He eventually left in February to go off to basic and I helped heal her. We were inseparable and depended on one another greatly to get through any hard times. I also met her family during this time and her parents are the most judgmental people I have ever met. I am openly lesbian and her mother said she was going to throw all the food out of the cupboard because I had touched it and didn’t want my disease spreading. Her father called me disgusting to my face and was very open about his repulsion towards gay people. She said there were many other comments that were said about me all the time and she just tried to ignore them. She knew I was very kind and caring and that was more important than my sexuality. She was proud of how open I was about it.

 

By the end of February and March, we were always together and we had begun cuddling at night when she slept over and caressing one another during movies absentmindedly. She had started biting my neck, arms or hands playfully at random times. By the end of March, after I had started biting her in return, she finally admitted her feelings to me. But she totally shut down because she had always been straight and was ashamed of feeling that way for a girl because of her parents. I gave her space and let her try to decide what she wanted to do. I waited several days before telling her I liked her as well and had for quite some time.

 

We started dating at the beginning of April and we kept our relationship quiet. She wanted me quite passionately and within a week, we already had our shirts and bras off. The speed worried me and freaked me out because this was my first real relationship with a girl so I slowed it down. We went on a beach trip with my parents and we loved every second together. We laughed, we shared deep details and it was amazing and perfect. We could not get enough of one another and missed each other all the time. We agreed on politics, abortion and felt a lot of trust issues based on our relationships with our parents. She wanted to slow down and wait because of her tumultuous sexual relationship with her previous boyfriend and wanted it to mean something whenever we did progress further. She also had been sexually abused by her stepfather in the past and still had trouble dealing with that.

 

Three months into it, we went on another beach trip with two other friends and she finally told one of her best friends about our secret relationship. The friend was supportive and absolutely adored me. This was when the fighting started though. Kelsey and I fought almost the entire week of that beach trip. Her moods flipped suddenly and it seemed as if she hated me at times. The mood swings only got worse as time went on. It’s almost as if she resented me for putting her in the situation with her parents and this relationship.

 

We progressed to touching one another four months into our relationship, which only led to more problems. Neither of us had been with a woman at all and didn’t really know what we were doing. She was used to being with men and continued to compare. I heard things like, “I really do enjoy being with you and it’s fun but I’m straight and I miss being with a man.” While she said it meant more with me than it ever did with Sean or any other partners because I loved her, she continued to downgrade it with comments like that. Her passion for me surged at the beginning and we would have sex maybe once or twice a week. It started to lessen gradually however.

 

It got to a point where we would only fool around maybe once or twice a month. I had to continually ask for it. She was not able to give me orgasms and was so insecure about it that she said we shouldn’t make out or fool around at all because what point was there? She didn’t want me masturbating either because it just made her feel very insecure but also didn’t want to have sex very often at all. I eventually had to fake the orgasms and had to masturbate secretly.

 

We continued to fight. One day, she would be madly in love with me and want to marry and have kids and would not stop sending me long messages declaring all of her feelings. The next day, if I said something in an off tone, it would start a fight that would last three days. If I looked at her wrong, forgot something she said, didn’t say the thing she wanted when asking for advice, or perhaps dropped something clumsily, she would become enraged with me. We fought constantly and when I tried to talk to her about how it made me feel, she said she just had this same phase with every relationship and I would end up leaving her like everyone else too.

 

Her parents continued to make hateful comments about gay people and her guilt for lying to them all of the time would leave her crying in my arms or hating herself. The stress would consume her because friends would cover for us or she would squeeze me in very quickly to see me. It wasn’t healthy because she already had a bad view of her body and her appearance.

 

She struggled with dreams about men all of the time and was honest with me about them until I couldn’t take the insecurity anymore. She still had feelings for her ex with the year long relationship and had him on a pedestal. Whenever guys would flirt with her at work, she flirted back because her brother works at Publix with us. I was jealous and insecure and tried to listen to her messages of reassurance.

 

In the beginning of October, a very attractive man started working and instantly attached to her. She gave him her number when he asked and they texted frequently. She dodged all of the attempts he made to take her out but still mildly flirted to keep her parents off of her back. He hit on all of the women in her department, took several of them out and used the same lines on all of them. In November, she sat down with me and said that she wanted to explore her options with him. I was originally supposed to leave in January for college and she said we didn’t have much time left and she thought she’d like to get to know him better. Except he was leaving in January as well. I was devastated beyond belief and very upset. She apologized the next day, sent very many messages telling me how in love with me she was and she only wanted me and couldn’t live without me. She slowly cut him off from work and texted him less.

 

I always paid for every meal when we went out and we went out frequently. I bought her many clothes, jewelry, and bags and gave her massages all of the time. I drew her pictures and comics and made her cute relationship gifts every month. For Christmas and each other’s birthday, we spent over a hundred dollars. She said that I treated her like a Queen and better than anyone else had before.

 

We continued to fight quite often however. Her jealousy was uncontrollable and I stopped texting my friends as much or hanging out with them. If I was out with a friend while she was on lunch and she couldn’t visit me, then it turned into a fight and I wasn’t appreciating the time we could have had together. If I went into work in the morning without leaving her a message to wake up to, it turned into a two-day fight. Whenever I discussed it with her, she was better for a week and then it slid back into the usual habit. We would go maybe a month without fighting and it would be fantastic but then spend a whole week just angry at one another and frustrated. Sex was constantly an issue. I always wanted it more and if I pushed at all, she told me I was being insensitive because of Sean, her past with her stepdad and also she felt immense guilt because of her family whenever we did. She wanted to cuddle instead of fool around. She didn’t see much of a point in it too because I couldn’t give her orgasms and none of her previous partners could either.

 

I decided to stay and push college back until August. She decided to move departments and switch to mine because she enjoyed the busy work. We also decided to take classes together because I wanted to squeeze some more in to transfer and she was taking them as well. We spent maybe five or six hours together at school and then would see each other at work for a couple hours on the other days. We didn’t want to see each other outside of those times. We struggled for conversation with texting but still wanted to keep in contact. One day, she yelled at me for five minutes in the Taco Bell parking lot because I hadn’t heard her when she said something and had also hit the curb while turning the corner. When she would get angry with me and I didn’t perk up soon enough, it pissed her off even more. Half of our time in classes together just ended up in fighting.

 

This guy named Brandon also was in one of our classes and had liked her for a year. He was awkward and lanky and unattractive but sweet and a gentleman. He texted her and hit on her, made his crush apparent and she brushed him off in class. She made fun of him to our friend in class quite frequently. He would sit with us and sit quietly and just look at all of us. He tried way too hard with her and she continued to say how it made her uncomfortable. Once he started being a friend instead of pushing for anything, she would text him and they would talk. She started to enjoy just talking to him. I dreaded going to class and it caused a lot of fights.

I opened up about my depression around ten months and she was angry at me for hiding it for so long and obviously I didn’t trust her. It was the first time I had talked about it and I shrank back into my hole. I was feeling my fire and my happiness drain out of me. In February, I went down on her after we discussed it for a long time. She didn’t go down on me because she felt way too much guilt from her family. At the end of March, a week or so before our year anniversary, I broke up with her because I couldn’t take all of the fighting anymore. We fell back into our cuddling, kissing, calling each other the pet names and we were basically a couple. Her ex that she was still not over came into town and visited in May. She wanted to catch up with him and kept on insisting we weren’t together so she could do whatever she wanted. She went to a party and he made a move on her in front of everyone so she made out with him. She told me right away and I was beyond upset. She said he basically forced himself on her but she wanted to hang out with him again. She then realized that he wasn’t the same person because he just wanted to **** her and stopped all contact. She then got on Tinder and spoke to several men and gave out her number all while we were trying to get back to normal and I was working on forgiving her. In June, she went out on a date with Brandon and went bowling and to dinner. He went to her house, met her family and picked her up. They made plans to go paintballing and have lunch again and go to the pool later on in the summer. After expressing no interest or attraction to him whatsoever, I thought everything was fine. We continued to kiss, we continued to act like a couple. She shoved me onto a bed, straddled me and made out with me on June 5th before I left for orientation for college and she left for the beach for a week. She squeezed Brandon in before she left for the beach. During this week, she sent me long, romantic messages and pictures every second and how much she wanted to be with me and loved me. But near the end of the week, I coaxed it out of her that she had been texting him until two in the morning and they were in almost constant contact. I distanced myself and as soon as she got back for Father’s Day, he went on the boat with her and her family. Four days later, I sent her a long, romantic message. She was texting in front of me while I took my break with her and I asked if it was Brandon. She said yes and I asked if they had been on any more dates. “We’ve hung out,” she said in response and I inquired if anything had happened. They had kissed the night before, the 20th of June, and were now calling one another baby and she guessed and shrugged that they were a couple. She didn’t do anything wrong because we weren’t together. For the next two weeks, I was unable to eat anything and just threw it all up. He asked her to be his girlfriend and she said yes. She sent me messages, saying how she had to for her family and she didn’t want this to happen and she didn’t want him. She only wanted me, she only needed me. She said she had to develop feelings for him or else she would be miserable. She expressed immense jealousy towards my friend and got very angry when she found out I had been on a dating app. These messages continued until maybe 18th or 20th of June because my friend finally convinced her to stop. I just found out that she had sent a message to one of our mutual friends saying, “I want to shove it in her face that Brandon and I slept together” the 21st of July. She was still telling me how she didn’t want to hang out with him and had feelings for me the 13th. She was calling me while drunk the 20th. She just went to the beach with him for a week and insisted she had to because what else could she say?

I’m beyond hurt and confused. I still have to see her all the time at work. I don’t know how to handle all of this pain. Did she ever really love me? Were all of those things she said about sex true or did she just not want to have sex with a girl?

Edited August 10, 2014 by KelleyH
****ed up something

[I am Bud]

Dear KelleyH

 

If you re-read what you have written in this post then you will realise that this relationship was pretty toxic. Toxic in a sense that it was primarily based on fear, insecurity, jealousy, anger, deception and control. No human being with any sort of self respect would or should allow themselves to be treated like that in a relationship. When you are not allowed to express yourself honestly in a relationship, without being yelled at or abused then it's time to get out. Whatever loves come along with that package is not worth having, because life is too short to live with a tyrant. You really need to go to college and get her out of your life completely. Do what you need to do in order to get through your days. Set aside any feelings that you have towards her because she is definitely not worth it.

 

All the best - Bud.