xxxDantexEmmelixxx Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Okay, so without going into divulging massive amounts of information about what has been eating me away recently, all that needs to be said is that it has resulted in masses of never-ending arguments, and tbh, I've kinda just been so destroyed, I'm not sure if I'm sad, happy, or what.. I feel happy... almost like the calm before the storm, yet, I know I'm not actually happy, I'm just broken and emotionless, I've already tried to take my life 3 times in the last month or so, and hurt myself a lot more.. as an easy way out, because I've left myself with 2 choices: 1) Dump my amazing, beautiful girlfriend (the one I have as my avatar picture) she is perfect, she's sweet, kind, caring, loyal (as far as I'm aware..) and she'll be dying her hair blue soon, she wears really cute clothes, just everything seems so perfect.... but after all she's hidden from me, and lied about in the past... I just feel like I'm finding new, worse stuff out every day... now, usually I would say something along the lins of "I have all the time in the world sweetie..." but I don't... if this goes on much longer, I just can't carry on with it...I'm sure she's still hiding more about her past (now, I understand lots of people will hate me for this, but it's just a result of anxiety and trust issues, that I seem to need to know... every.. dirty little secret, even though past is past, it makes us who we are today... and I love her for who she is.... I'm not even sure I CAN love anymore.. I still feel she's hiding so much, and I find it hard trusting people anyway...) so yeah, I can either: 1) Dump her, Dwell on the thoughts of what we could have achieved, Tear myself apart on the inside, wondering if I misunderstood her, And just totally break down... imagining all the things she could be doing with other guys... that we would have done... I couldn't cope without her, so I can either Dump her, and dwell on her for an eternity (I've gotten over many girls in the past, but I know I just can't get over this one.. she means too much) or 2) I keep her, do the stuff with her, but always subconsciously tear myself apart, crying at night wondering what it is she's hiding, and if she's slyly bypassed one of my questions and come up with a great excuse... and just be in permanent mental agony, all because of my f****** up head... the funny thing is, I could have nearly any girl I wanted, I know many a girl who is mad on me, and tbh, would be all over me as soon as me and Emmeli broke up.. (not to brag or anything, but I'm pretty dang hot ) but I chose HER, nobody else, just HER, because I thought she would be different... and I've sacrificed so much for her, it's long-distance, so we don't know what were up to behind eachothers back.... but basically I: -stopped hanging out with all my girl friends, in respect for her -barely go out for walks and adventuring with my grandpa anymore, so I can stay home and chat to her -Quit all of my clubs, because they are full of flirty girls who she feels me unsafe around -doing my best to get a job so I can not only go to see her finally, but also so she can come over here to study, and I can afford food, water, and luxuries for her -doing my best to supress my trust issues and anxiety, so as not to sabotage the relationship, because when they take effect, it's like being possessed.. I'm just helpless and can do nothing but sit back and watch myself tear the relationship apart... whereas she: -Hangs out with many guys who all have feelings with her and openly flirt with her -told so many lies and hid so much, I don't know whats a lie and whats truth anymore, or even if this is all just a bad dream -calls me controllive, even though about the only things I stop her from doing are sleeping over at guys, going to the beach with guys, and doing anything sweet/romantic/intimate/sexy/etc with guys... I'm not exactly stopping her from doing anything a normal boyfriend wouldn't... -deletes texts and comes up with lame excuses as to why... I just can't stand it anymore.... it's like 1) I have a **** relationship and a **** life 2)I have no relationship, or a really **** one because I'm dwelling on this one, and live an even ****tier life I'm just trapped with nowhere to go, and before anybody says I just need to "dump her and get over her" it's just not that simple after everything we've been through, I CAN'T live with her... but I can't live without her either.. (if anybody got this far through my b***s*** then thanks for reading.. I understand if people reply with hate, but just know you will not get a response if so ^^) thanks x
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