Majormisstep Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Hmm...when someone first shows you who they are - believe them!! Just, take a step back. A man signs up to a dating site only to "chat" because after all, he is happily married. WTF is wrong with this picture? He should have been chatting all along with his W. If I caught my xH on any sort of site I would have maimed his fingers so he would have to "chat" using a pencil and his teeth. Anyway, I digress. So things get rolling along between you and MM. All the fodder, letters, love songs and promises DON'T matter one iota when W finds out. You are left to pick up the pieces. And guaranteed, when the dust settles he'll be looking for some side action whether it be with you or signing back up on a site. Do you really want this in a man? Really? If your M is in shambles, then get a divorce. There is so much good life left to live. 3
LovelySweet Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Love can conquer all, it is strong, beautiful, but it is the missing key ingredient in majority of affairs. You cannot make a tasty cake with no flour. It is a flourless cake, dense, flat, bitter, and strange, it is missing it's key ingredient. 1
Allumere Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Why is this so hard to grasp. He is a coward and a liar. He got what he needed from you because you willingly gave it. He didn't love you, he just feed you what you needed to hear to keep you around. Why don't people get this? You were NOT soul mates. He does not love you. He was breaking the promise he made to his wife on their wedding day...why is it that you think he would keep his promise with you. 6
LovelySweet Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Please do not be hard on yourself. I am in pain also, but have to encompass self love too. You have to re define what meaning love has for you. A man will not place you in this role if he loves you. He would do everything possible to make it right with you. It is not impossible as some wish you to buy into and believe. I have seen a few men leave children, wives, and start a new family unit, children, anniversaries, prominence for their new love, wife. They act and make an honest woman out of someone they love, they do not place mat you in a painful, humiliating role. I am sorry you are in pain, it is not a nice place to be. 1
Pinklotus Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I'm sorry for all of your pain. Your MM sounds like a complete psycho, and your ex sounds like one as well. I hope you can move on and find a healthy relationship. I would start with therapy. It does help, a lot.
hoping2heal Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I feel it is completely one sided (his side) like it was all along. And how unfair it is that none of my feelings or my relationship with my husband, and children were taking into consideration. Your ex-MM did not profess vows of commitment to your husband, you did that. Conversely, your child has nothing to do with ex-MM. The guy flunks out of the morality class, sure but it was you who failed to take into consideration your relationship with your husband and your child. You went online and intentionally pursued an affair and you found what you were looking for, even if you didn't end up getting what you wanted. While you proclaim you thought it was good that your ex-MM claimed to not want to cheat, fact is; you were on there talking to oher men before he even came along. Whether you meant for your affairs to become physical or not - you were very much intentionally seeking to go outside of your marriage. You may feel like what happened to you was unfair but there is no "fairness" in affairs. It isn't fair that your husband was betrayed by you. It isn't fair that your child's parents are now going through divorce. It isn't fair that your ex MM's wife also had to endure betrayal. Is it shocking to you that a man who could lie and deceive the woman who had his children, whom he vowed a commitment to, would do you dirty also? If you're looking for a trustworthy companion, a married man maketh one not Your life will become infinitely better when you stop making self-destructive choices. If there were a bucket list for self-destruction, surely an affair would be right up there in the top 5. Everyone around you's life will become infinitely better when you learn to take some responsibility and stop acting on every selfish whim that tickles your nose. You're 25, not 15 - go find the adult pants and throw them on for awhile. 8
sweet_pea Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You know, I think it's completely wrong of you to try and get revenge on him by telling his kids about the affair. That is so wrong. Leave that between their parents and how they want to handle the fall out in that respect. As many OW on here would say--- you are taking your hurt out on the wrong people. His wife and children didn't do anything to you. The only people you should be angry at are yourself and the MM. While it was good that you informed his wife of the situation, once again, "blasting her" was totally wrong. You could've been kind about it considering your role in the whole thing. 9
Minnie09 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Your MM was future faking, like so many MM, and when he got caught, he turned around in order to focus on damage control. I am in a similar situation, where the MM is future faking, however, nobody has found out yet. Why they're future faking, I don't know. I think it's a spur of the moment kind of thing, and it fuels itself, as long as there are no consequences. It is just a fantasy, and they love it, because it's their escape from reality and it is exciting. It feels good. Even if he gives you a wedding band.......don't fall for it. It means nothing.He is still married. He can't get engaged. Duh. I get plenty of jewelry - but would never assume that any of it means that he wants to commit to me - honestly, openly. Yours even said on the online dating site that he only wants to talk. Not divorce. I know, his behavior after that made you believe that he changed his mind, but seriously......he's just looking for a side peice. 2
snappytomcat Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I am married tooo, 10 years longer than he is, I have children as well, he encouraged me to get rid of my husband, so he could have me to himself, and I did, and now whatever me and my husband had left which wasnt much is completely destroyed. He did not do the same in return for me. Not that he said he would, but what bothers me the most is how selfish he was to create this hell hole for me just to enjoy himself and then when the **** hit the fan and she found out i was kicked to the curb. I cant even believe it. He made sure he was in my life in every aspect he could, met my children, my brother, my friends, any game room or fb i was in he made an account and included himself. I thought he was truly trying to have and keep this relationship with me. He was very comfortable. I think he he pities his wife, he also feel he has to be the father of the year, the only man who refuses to leave his children? But, that was okay on my side that he every second of every day kept telling me why my children's father should not be here. Double standard all the way and I'm just totally pissed off. I'm also seeing these things much clearer now without talking to him. I'm mad at him, mad at myself. Plus, he never cared when my husband was living with me, he would call the house, text my phone, text my oldest daughter, anything he had to do to make sure he was number 1. Now that the shoe is on the other foot I'm cut off completely not to have contact with anyone. Well don't think I didn't blast his wife on FB with all his **** talk and all the terrible things he said about her and what he did to me and my family which he never considered a family like his probably to protect his own guilt from what he was doing to me. I have alot of anger because of he way he went about this and I also revengefully told him ur kids may not know now, and if your wife doesnt tell them when they get older, you can bet sure as ****, I will. first im sorry for your pain,but just think about this for 1 second.....mm did tell you he was never leaving his wife,but lets just say that maybe he was thinking about leaving her to be with you,do you really think now after you went bat sh$% crazy on his wife on fb,he wants anything to do with you,i really think you doing this bought them closer,i should know the xow in my situation did the same thing,and it bought us closer,and when he told me she was nuts,well guess what,he proved his point cause of the way she was acting,and your acting in the same manner,its not to late to hole your head up high,and handle this with some dignity,and kindness,as she did nothing to you,and don't ever,and I mean ever mess with someone children,thats wrong on so many levels 4
beach Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 No, I don't know his wife. I blasted her because I know he did not tell her everything and I wanted her to know. This man got down on one knee and gave me a wedding band and married me while he was married to her. There was many many things she needed to know that he did not tell her. Also out of pure anger. He married you while being married? That is against the law isn't it? 1
LovelySweet Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) Not worth the all the pain you cause others, telling BS, the Dday, mine came back after all this, after their reconciliation, they do come back in many instances. We have stressed each other out over and over, and still manage to get back together, but this does not equal love, just dysfunction. Revenge will never equal satisfaction. Edited August 10, 2014 by LovelySweet 1
Bittersweetie Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I feel that everyone has the right to love, and happiness. But not at the expense of another person's. 2
herself Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Does anyone else remember Mickey? This is her exact story. And look how far she came when she thought shed never live to find herself again. If you let go, move on, block and get through the pain and push forward you will be more than fine. This is indeed a crushing blow but no one here wants to give u false hope. He was found out and its over . theres nothing more you can do or so. Mickey was left in the cold without one word after his wife found out just weeks before her and mm had a romantic trip planned. She was shocked, utter despair, cried for weeks. She too wondered how it just died overnight. In time she updated us. She is recovered fully, in a positive place, would not want to see MM or hear from him AT ALL. What an amazing example of getting through and surviving. Hope you can find her story on here. You only get one life. Do not keep the door open for him. Would you want this liar back? You gotta let go. Now. For you...for your kids. He made his choice. Now you make yours...start with blocking. Now date yourself and your kids. Your gonna be just fine once the affair fog lifts and your self esteem improves. He did u a BIG favor. Freedom. 2
MissBee Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I posted my story in a different thread. I'm the OW to a MM that just ended because his wife found out. Doesn't anyone believe anymore that love should conquer all. If you are truly in love with someone isn't that your answer right there. You can love two people at the same time (this I know) but you are in love with one. How do you just fall out of love? And, I'm so sick of hearing all the MM saying they stay for the kid's sake? What are your thoughts on that? When the MM says they are staying because of the kids? I think its a cop out/bull**** statement. And MY GOD are all the MM out there cowards? I wish we had an open chat room here. Do we and I don't know about it? If not, does anyone know of a different site where there is open chat about OW/MM? Thanks! Unfortunately feeling like you're in love doesn't conquer all. Being "in love" I'm convinced is a romantic feeling but really loving also includes commitment, sacrifice and stuff that isn't easy. Not all MM are cowards. I think some MM planned on leaving before the A and those types may tend to go through with it (exit affairs) whereas for some, it simply was never a concrete goal so it never happens or the love they have for their families and BS (which includes sacrifice etc) outweighs the romantic "in love" feelings they feel for the OW. People fall in and out of love all the time. Being "in love" is a fickle condition. Which is why for me again I really do distinguish someone loving you and simply romantically being in love, which seems to be an easy condition to fall in and out of. 4
Got it Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I am sorry for the pain you are in and I am sorry that, no, love does not conquer all. There are so many other factors at times . I don't think emotions vary by gender, I think men and women feel as deeply as the other but it may vary by individual. I know it is hard right now and it sucks and you want to hug him and rip his balls off at the same time. But it will get better. Take care of yourself, get some plates and throw them against a safe wall (works great with anger), journal and drink plenty of water. I would caution to not look at your actions and decisions and not owning your part with them. You divorced because you wanted to divorce, you weren't passive in that. I hope it was because it was the best decision for you and your marriage. Some people do leave, some right away some later. Some don't leave. All the decisions are for a myriad of reasons. But the best thing right now is to focus on you. Have you tried therapy? It does help. I am sorry for your pain and the hurt you are dealing with. ((((((((()))))))))
Author justmebev1 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 I just wanted to thank you all for being kind, harsh, truthful, hopeful, all of it. Of course there's so much I did not write just because to put down the whole 3 year affair is next to impossible but I got the main ingredients in. Just wanted to clear a few things up - my ex and I have a good relationship apart we seem to get along better that way unfortunately. Next week is our 25th wedding anniversary we should be on a cruise to somewhere but that is not happening. I am very mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way, im gonna be 50 on Sunday and I'm acting like a 14 year old. Not happy with that at all. The MM has very brief contact with me at this point, nothing loving or emotional, just a few words here and there. He is also very paranoid that me and his wife have gotten together to screw him over and is leary about talking to me. Which is fine. At this point, the only words I want to hear is that there marriage is over and he's coming to me. Anything shy of that i am not interested. When I said I blasted his wife on FB, it wasn't really a negative blast it was just wanting her to know things I knew he would not admit to therefore lying. I am for the most part an honest person and believe in honesty in every way. I wish more of us could be honest with our spouses and discuss what is working and what is not it would probably save alot of marriages. My ex-husband and I could always be open and honest whether the situation was good/bad. This was my first affair ever while being married to my husband. He cheated on me many times I never looked for revenge. This just happened and was not intended. When I asked for your opinions regarding the children, it was not your opinions on how my children were feeling it was how you all felt about a man staying in a marriage for the children pro/con? Just curious. I think its a cop out, I think its bull****, I feel if you really want the OW using the kids as an excuse is just another lie. The part of this whole sad story that bothers me the most is im gonna call it brainwashed - this man brainwashed me by showing me love, support, constant admiration, contact to convince me that I should not be with my husband or try to reconnect with him in any manner. And repeatedly convinced me of this every second of every day. I feel that was not his place to do that, I told him that during many of our conversations, he still pursued, I feel he disrespected my situation with my ex and my kids, and is completely double standard when it comes to his situation that he feels that is real and not to be messed with but mine was not. Of course, I didn't have to continue listening to him but when your in the relationship its hard to see outside the box until you are actually outside the box and see to what lengths this person went thru to have you for themselves no matter what the cost. Each day is getting a little better. I agree with some of you that he may be back once the smoke clears, I will not go thru this pain again like I said it would have to be me/her at this point and all that is wishful thinking because like most of you said its over move on which I am trying to do.
DKT3 Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 I just wanted to thank you all for being kind, harsh, truthful, hopeful, all of it. Of course there's so much I did not write just because to put down the whole 3 year affair is next to impossible but I got the main ingredients in. Just wanted to clear a few things up - my ex and I have a good relationship apart we seem to get along better that way unfortunately. Next week is our 25th wedding anniversary we should be on a cruise to somewhere but that is not happening. I am very mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way, im gonna be 50 on Sunday and I'm acting like a 14 year old. Not happy with that at all. The MM has very brief contact with me at this point, nothing loving or emotional, just a few words here and there. He is also very paranoid that me and his wife have gotten together to screw him over and is leary about talking to me. Which is fine. At this point, the only words I want to hear is that there marriage is over and he's coming to me. Anything shy of that i am not interested. When I said I blasted his wife on FB, it wasn't really a negative blast it was just wanting her to know things I knew he would not admit to therefore lying. I am for the most part an honest person and believe in honesty in every way. I wish more of us could be honest with our spouses and discuss what is working and what is not it would probably save alot of marriages. My ex-husband and I could always be open and honest whether the situation was good/bad. This was my first affair ever while being married to my husband. He cheated on me many times I never looked for revenge. This just happened and was not intended. When I asked for your opinions regarding the children, it was not your opinions on how my children were feeling it was how you all felt about a man staying in a marriage for the children pro/con? Just curious. I think its a cop out, I think its bull****, I feel if you really want the OW using the kids as an excuse is just another lie. The part of this whole sad story that bothers me the most is im gonna call it brainwashed - this man brainwashed me by showing me love, support, constant admiration, contact to convince me that I should not be with my husband or try to reconnect with him in any manner. And repeatedly convinced me of this every second of every day. I feel that was not his place to do that, I told him that during many of our conversations, he still pursued, I feel he disrespected my situation with my ex and my kids, and is completely double standard when it comes to his situation that he feels that is real and not to be messed with but mine was not. Of course, I didn't have to continue listening to him but when your in the relationship its hard to see outside the box until you are actually outside the box and see to what lengths this person went thru to have you for themselves no matter what the cost. Each day is getting a little better. I agree with some of you that he may be back once the smoke clears, I will not go thru this pain again like I said it would have to be me/her at this point and all that is wishful thinking because like most of you said its over move on which I am trying to do. Own your sh it. What this affair did to your marriage is 100% your fault, you allowed it all and was seemingly ok with it until MM picked his wife over you, because you picked him over your family you seem bitter. You rolled the dices and they came up craps, no one to blame but yourself. This guy was/is toxic, you know this. The sad part is after you've allowed him to poison your mind you say this "only like I want to hear is the marriage is over and he is coming to me" this is like jumping ahead 4 minutes watching your car stall on the train tracks and get smashed the still driving over the tracks in real time. You know this guy will place himself and his needs ahead of your, you know he will be selfish and not respect you, yet you desire to be with him. PS, he won't come back for YOU, he will come back for HIM. Knowing your still under his control, that he can still have you as a play thing, pulling your strings and making you dance is what he feeds on, hopefully you will not continue to allow him to mistreat you in the name of love. 4
Author justmebev1 Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 Yup you are right I do have to own my own ****. I hear everything your saying. I guess its just different not being caught up in that whirlwind, I have time now to sort it all out and even though it was great while it was happening now I see the picture more clearly. Good days, bad days : ( 1
Author justmebev1 Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 It's been quite cold after D day, MM text a few words here and there. Texted me today to say HB and said "Hope your going to do something you are going to enjoy" of course the pity me self absorbed said back "Ty but without you no" he said "go have fun...its going to be without me". I didn't expect any different I think what I notice about his texts the most is he no longer addresses me by my name which he ALWAYS did in the past. Really bothers me, I guess that's how he is separating himself : (
enya46 Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 It's been quite cold after D day, MM text a few words here and there. Texted me today to say HB and said "Hope your going to do something you are going to enjoy" of course the pity me self absorbed said back "Ty but without you no" he said "go have fun...its going to be without me". I didn't expect any different I think what I notice about his texts the most is he no longer addresses me by my name which he ALWAYS did in the past. Really bothers me, I guess that's how he is separating himself : ( Happy Birthday Bev! Remember that you do not need this guy to enjoy things and life. I wish you a good week, and less and less thoughts about him. I am trying to do the same. ((((Hugs)))) 1
herself Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Happy Birthday. Im sorry this is why it's imperitive to block. I was to afraid to hear or not to hear from him on my birthday so I deleted the whole damn email account and blocked him on my cell. I guess that wasnt a clear enough sign he found me on a social media site he had never used and wrote me there to open up old wounds. Must be blocked everryyywhere. 1
Author justmebev1 Posted August 17, 2014 Author Posted August 17, 2014 Thanks for the responses. Yup every word brings up another emotion. I hate going through this and very mad at myself that I let it get to this and that I fell so hard. I try to remain as normal as possible with daily stuff I'm just walking around in a trance for the most part. Good luck to us all!!
herself Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 Im sorry if I ever sound like a broken record but try and change many things...schedules, routines, driving routes, radio stations...reorganize rooms, throw things away, clean, put your loose ends together, things you've put off, clean your car, maybe even trade your car, paint, get your hair done, start a new job search...stay away from the old thoughts, the old life. For me it helped to think I was building a WHOLE new life. When everything was the same, I saw everything as a rut. Anything you can make new...do that. But once you start forward...stay forward...no regressing, no calls texts or emails. He no longer deserves this space in your (new) life.
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