It's been a year, and I'm still crying everyday.

[ResilienSea]

I started going to school as alternative to offing myself. I was okay for awhile.

Then I started crying when I got home. Then I started crying on the WALK home (he took my car). I had a day last week when I had to hide in the bathroom and cry there. Now I cry on the walk TO school.

It hurts so bad.

 

I've read all the advice threads, the NC advice, it's all been very helpful.

I've volunteered, attended therapy which is completely useless...appt before last

she told me to take a hot shower. Last appt she told me to breathe from my diaphragm. I've seen a few therapists. It just isn't helpful.

 

We were together 17 years. He wanted to do the dating site thing and has slept with at least 20 women half my age. I am so broken I can't even conceive of being with someone else.

 

It's been a YEAR! I see NO LIGHT at the end of the tunnel.

It hurts SO SO BAD.

 

I know social media checks are bad but I can't stop. Today I saw he'd added a $1500 a night luxury Mexican resort to his 'likes' page. He HATED Mexico and always said he would never go. I felt sick to my stomach and started shaking.

And I'd just managed a one month and three day No Contact. But sobbing uncontrollably I called. He was driving and pulled over to call back but I couldn't answer. Now I not only was panicking about his taking some floozy on a fancy Mexican vacation (honeymoon?) with the money from selling my car, but I also hated myself for breaking the No Contact.

 

IT HURTS SO SO BAD.

[True Gent]

Aww, man. I really feel for you being like this one year on.

 

I can totally relate to you looking at the social media and shaking... I've been there and done it, just reading those words took me back to feeling that horrible pain. It was in the very early stages of my breakup when I was feeling like that. I hate to say this, but you are hurting yourself by not letting go and keeping tabs on him.

 

You're the one causing yourself this pain at this point. You really haven't accepted that it's over and finished. You really need to do that, you are destroying yourself because of someone else's actions. No one else is worthy of allowing yourself to self destruct.

 

You must block him from your phone and all social media. You need to deactivate your social media accounts if you can't resist the temptation to snoop.

 

You have to want to feel better for yourself. You must be so sick of feeling this way by now? 17 years is a long time and I understand you may well not be healed yet, but you wouldn't keep stabbing yourself in the eye with a sharp object. Emotionally you are stabbing yourself in the heart repeatedly, you've got to stop doing that.

 

Put yourself first and protect yourself from his life. You've got to focus on your own life and well being.

[HeartbrokenNewbie]

I think you should go to see the Dr I think a year later to be crying that much may be running a bit deeper than heartbreak... go and talk to your GP you may be very surprised how they can help you xx

[me85]

Goodness, I'm putting you on my prayer list.

 

I'm so very sorry you are going through such a hard time. I was in the deep dark for 6 months. I applaud all of your efforts to recover. You've been trying in all the healthy ways to get over someone and that's fantastic.

 

Take a moment and really let that compliment sink in.

 

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10...

 

K, now...I know you think you can't even consider dating but after an entire year of you feeling like you haven't made any progress (you have though, however little, you have) you now have to force yourself onto the dating scene. I recommend that you download the Tinder app. It's a great distraction (if only temporary) and it is a major ego boost. This is something silly and small but will have a huge impact on your self esteem.

 

YOU HAVE TO DO THIS-NO EXCUSES.

 

If not Tinder then something. You have to move on. You have to stop checking his social media. You have to discipline yourself. Get mad about it. Seriously. Get mad. Then stop. Get mad at yourself. At this point it's not his fault. You're doing this to yourself. I'm not trying to be mean but you are doing this to yourself.

 

And why? What for? What was so great about him that you feel like you'll suffer your whole life without him in it?

 

Ask yourself, is it just your ego??

 

All the best & please keep us posted,

J

[ResilienSea]

Thank you for the replies, I appreciate it and have cried less the last couple days...having a site like this is very helpful.

 

He and his steady? girlfriend had both blocked me on Facebook but I have more than one account so I can still check. Because there is a child involved and he has a habit of taking my kid along on sleepovers with women he's known for a scant few weeks, I feel it's my duty to see who he's exposing my child to.

 

Just as an update the Mexican villa he'd apparently been asked to 'like'. I ended up completely breaking the months long no contact and talked to him for two hours on the phone Saturday. Now on Monday of course he's reverted to the hateful "too much contact!! Email only" thing. Problem is we have a child together. I am hurting bad and though the NC had been somewhat helpful, we have to find a way to communicate about our child. I had been doing it through a lawyer but he's not very timely about forwarding information.

 

Throughout our relationship he was emotionally and verbally abusive, screaming and yelling at me and our child without realizing it. I would say "do you know you're screaming?" And he would say "no I'm not".

The long term relationship before that the man was physically abusive to me, so I've got the "battered women's syndrome" thing and accepted WAY too much when I should have grabbed the child and left. Now I'm embroiled in an extremely contentious custody case where my $5000 retainer has been all used up and I've gotten NOWHERE.

 

I want to try the dating thing but my self-esteem is in the dumper and I know the sensible recommendation here is THERAPY! THERAPY! SSRIs!

And I'm sorry but they just don't work for everybody. I'm with Kaiser too and the level of care is not that great.

 

So initially I felt much better after talking to him again. Of course now he's reverted to his usual mode of interaction where he's hateful to me and it's the one step forward, three steps back thing.

 

Yes, True Gent, the stabbing myself in the heart is a perfect analogy. Intellectually I know it's bad, but it's a compulsive thing I guess.

 

me85 I had downloaded Tinder but then learned it wants to suck up my Facebook information, I guess I'll just have to make another FB account with a different picture to use Tinder. I hear that's just for one night stands though, which might really mess with my head at this point.

 

I suppose the ego could play a part me85, even though I feel as if I am filled with self-loathing. What was so great about him? He was the most intelligent person I've ever met, and is my physical ideal. When I have looked at OKCupid and Plenty of Fish just to see what's out there (the idea of publicly posting a picture of myself is terrifying to me) I look for men that look just like him. Also I'd be stuck lying about my age because the maximum age any man that looks halfway interesting to me would accept, is less than my actual age, even though I am "well preserved".

[CaliGypsy]

I wouldn't lie about your age .. No good will come out of that.

 

I would really really try to keep the contact with the ex to its barest minimum. The continued checking of his FB etc is not making you feel better .

 

I hope you find a man who really is ideal. He's not it. If he was? He wouldn't have treated you badly.

[me85]

me85 I had downloaded Tinder but then learned it wants to suck up my Facebook information, I guess I'll just have to make another FB account with a different picture to use Tinder. I hear that's just for one night stands though, which might really mess with my head at this point.

 

I suppose the ego could play a part me85, even though I feel as if I am filled with self-loathing. What was so great about him? He was the most intelligent person I've ever met, and is my physical ideal. When I have looked at OKCupid and Plenty of Fish just to see what's out there (the idea of publicly posting a picture of myself is terrifying to me) I look for men that look just like him. Also I'd be stuck lying about my age because the maximum age any man that looks halfway interesting to me would accept, is less than my actual age, even though I am "well preserved".

 

You're welcome. It's what we're all here for, to give advice to one another.

 

Tinder is not used for one night stands. It's for whatever you want it to be. I dated someone I met on tinder for more than a month. Any of those other "dating sites" can be used just as easily for hook ups. It depends on the people using them. You chat, get to know someone and see what they're on there looking for. Play or actual commitment ?

 

It only pulls a few pictures from your profile pix from facebook and your interests, mutual friends, (if any) and that's it. It's quick to join & there's no hassle. Once you join you go and manage your profile. You control what pix appear and the info you want to people to see. Just try it, please. No harm no foul. It's tied into to FB to see who's on tinder nearby you or that might be a friend of a friend on fb...it's really brilliant. It only searches for people nearby, so 100 miles away is the furthest it searches.

 

If there's a child involved then you need to get a lawyer. I'm sure he could press charges on you for stalking him via social media if he knew you were constantly checking up on him. The best advice I can give you is to get a lawyer so that you know what your legal rights are. A child involved changes everything.

 

Oh, and, he may be intelligent in terms of academics but he's not all that smart when it comes to matters of the heart because he left someone who loves him and was loyal to him just so he could sleep around and play the field. That's not smart. That's selfish.

Edited August 11, 2014 by me85

[Itspointless]

Hi ResilienSea, how hard this all must be for you. You know, it is no wonder you feel like this, after 17 years this man has become a big part of your self-image and even on a neural level he is embedded deeply. This all means no less than reinventing yourself and literally breaking lose, while accepting the past as the past and that is no sinecure: this does not happen overnight.

 

Therapy is no recipe for wonders but pretty crucial if you want guidance to a new life and a new you. The hard thing is that therapy is mostly made of facing those things we often do not like to see. So naturally this will not make you feel better immediately as it will confront you with structures that have been there for a long time, but now actually have become (more) destructive for your well-being than they have ever been.

 

It is crucial that you reinvent your autobiography. You are more than your past with him. He played a big part in your history and does play a part now because of you kid together. But your were more and have to potential to be even more. But for that it is also important that you search for the patterns within you why you have been attracted to abusive partners. It is important that you keep repeating the insides about the "battered women's syndrome": wanting him near is your attachment speaking. You know better: he is not good for you. You and your child deserve so much more than a verbally abusive and screaming fool.

 

You will get there, I am sure!!

[chados]

a therapist cant cure you. they listen to what you say. and sometimes its nice to talk to someone you dont know. you need to let go and go on a date. even if it doesnt work out, at least your out trying. delete his number. put his stuff away. everything that reminds you of him. things will be better when you let go trust me.

 

maybe one day you can talk to him without having any feelings towards him. wether its anger or sadness. but you need to start now.