4 great dates, she asked for a 5th, and then unresponsive? How to proceed?

August 10, 2014

This smells of a women playing the field and weighing her options. Ive never had to deal with all this wondering or any lack of communication with women I was sure liked me. They made themselves very available and texted me often and called if they were having text issues.

Yep.

Nothing to analyze here.

August 12, 2014

I called her yesterday. She didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I sent a lighthearted text afterwards that said I'd like to see her again and to give a call when she's free.

She texts back about a half hour later:

"Hey! I'm so sorry!! I've been going crazy with work, my side business, and trying to pack up for the move. I want to see you too! This week has a pretty low probability of worthwhile chunks of free time. I'll be done with these dogs [her side business] on Thursday night. Things will open up for me after that!"

I haven't responded yet. My interest and expectations have both decreased drastically at this point.

I'm contemplating either:

A) Forcing her hand and asking her out for a specific day/time.

B) Put the ball in her court. Tell her I get how busy life can get, wish her well with the move, and tell her to get in touch if she wants to hang out when things free up.

Thoughts? Female perspectives especially appreciated.

I will add that I think she is sincerely busy because she's mentioned this stuff while we've been on dates multiple times and how she looks forward to things slowing down in a couple of weeks.

Edited August 12, 2014 by RoosterFrame

August 12, 2014

I called her yesterday. She didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I sent a lighthearted text afterwards that said I'd like to see her again and to give a call when she's free.

She texts back about a half hour later:
"Hey! I'm so sorry!! I've been going crazy with work, my side business, and trying to pack up for the move. I want to see you too! This week has a pretty low probability of worthwhile chunks of free time. I'll be done with these dogs [her side business] on Thursday night. Things will open up for me after that!"

I haven't responded yet. My interest and expectations have both decreased drastically at this point.

I'm contemplating either:
A) Forcing her hand and asking her out for a specific day/time.

B) Put the ball in her court. Tell her I get how busy life can get, wish her well with the move, and tell her to get in touch if she wants to hang out when things free up.

Thoughts? Female perspectives especially appreciated.

I will add that I think she is sincerely busy because she's mentioned this stuff while we've been on dates multiple times and how she looks forward to things slowing down in a couple of weeks.

Definitely A. Man, she gave you sex and a BJ already. You definitely made it past GO. Some people just take a little more work than others but considering the positive things that happened on the first few dates, try to ride this one past a few more exits and see what happens.

Don't "put the ball in her court." I promise you will never see her in the manner you saw her before and that would be a shame considering what you accomplished thus far.

August 12, 2014

I met a woman (34yo) online

Option B.

These women who frequent dating sites bounce from man to man like a pinball. Can almost guarantee she met someone else who has now captured her interest. Be glad you made it 4 dates and at least got sex out of the deal.

Guys who use online dating, I just can't stress enough how much you should take it with a grain of salt. Most of these chicks have more dudes tucked away than you realize, the "infinite options" scenario it presents turns them into players, you meet someone and think it's going great, but she's doing the same song and dance with multiple other men. Trust me.

Doesn't apply to them all.. but don't get attached easily.

August 12, 2014

I called her yesterday. She didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I sent a lighthearted text afterwards that said I'd like to see her again and to give a call when she's free.

She texts back about a half hour later:
"Hey! I'm so sorry!! I've been going crazy with work, my side business, and trying to pack up for the move. I want to see you too! This week has a pretty low probability of worthwhile chunks of free time. I'll be done with these dogs [her side business] on Thursday night. Things will open up for me after that!"

I haven't responded yet. My interest and expectations have both decreased drastically at this point.

I'm contemplating either:
A) Forcing her hand and asking her out for a specific day/time.

B) Put the ball in her court. Tell her I get how busy life can get, wish her well with the move, and tell her to get in touch if she wants to hang out when things free up.

Thoughts? Female perspectives especially appreciated.

I will add that I think she is sincerely busy because she's mentioned this stuff while we've been on dates multiple times and how she looks forward to things slowing down in a couple of weeks.

You said you understand she is super busy, sounds like she has a lot going on and is making an effort to be able to spend time with you too. I, personally, don't see anything wrong with her response. I'd say go for asking her out for sometime after Thursday. Good luck!

August 12, 2014

i wouldnt force to set a day. I would wish her good luck for the move and I would ask her to let you know whenever she will fancy to meet up again. leave the ball in her court

good luck!

August 12, 2014

Don't force her hand. Just wish her luck on the move and let her know to contact you when she would like to get together again.

When a woman is interested, she's not going to be vague in her interest nor is she going to lose an opportunity to spend time with a guy.

There's a reason why she's not saying, "Things will open up after Thursday night...how about we make tentative plans for the weekend?" Just as how you are interested in her, you want to make plans, so would she if she had the same level of interest.

So, no forcing her hand. Let her do it on her own. This way you will see if she really wants to make the effort, or not.

August 12, 2014

Sounds to me too that she met someone else she's more interested in.

August 12, 2014

I am a woman too but your story seems she used you for sex. I think that is the case!

August 12, 2014

I called her yesterday. She didn't pick up. I didn't leave a voicemail.

I sent a lighthearted text afterwards that said I'd like to see her again and to give a call when she's free.

She texts back about a half hour later:
"Hey! I'm so sorry!! I've been going crazy with work, my side business, and trying to pack up for the move. I want to see you too! This week has a pretty low probability of worthwhile chunks of free time. I'll be done with these dogs [her side business] on Thursday night. Things will open up for me after that!"

I haven't responded yet. My interest and expectations have both decreased drastically at this point.

I'm contemplating either:
A) Forcing her hand and asking her out for a specific day/time.

B) Put the ball in her court. Tell her I get how busy life can get, wish her well with the move, and tell her to get in touch if she wants to hang out when things free up.

Thoughts? Female perspectives especially appreciated.

I will add that I think she is sincerely busy because she's mentioned this stuff while we've been on dates multiple times and how she looks forward to things slowing down in a couple of weeks.

You don't force her hand, but you do make a plan. Stop being such a downer, life happens and people get busy. Her message sounded sincere and it reads as she is excited to see you again.

FYI, My wife had to reschedule our second date twice because well.... life happens.

What you need to do here since you know she is free after Thursday is to setup a date for Friday. Have a clear idea in mind and ask her out.

I don't understand why people are so willing to put their future in someone else's hands. If you want to see her again then ask her out to a date on Friday. All this game playing will do nothing but mess up your head and waste your time.

August 12, 2014

Sounds to me that she’s been doing the asking out, the planning, and the giving. Some guys seem to think that bringing it up means I’m in a pissing match with a guy. Not really. The way I see it is that if I’m doing all or the majority of the pursuing and inviting, he isn’t into me and I’d be an idiot to keep initiating. So I stop. I read the signals.

Last minutes invites don’t count. People have plans and sometimes are doing something when the last minute text invite comes in.

So she responded in a bubbly affirming way and you didn't text back. The “forcing her hand” perspective is oppositional and competitive. You’re not into her. You're creating a pissing match.

Personally, my #1 problem with dating is how often it feels like I’m dragging a dead body (passive man) along behind me- and that’s what I’m seeing here. The majority of men I’ve dated in the past few years would never treat a professional colleague or potential customer or client the way they treat dates, or maybe just me. I mean, really… can you imagine a man texting a potential client a couple of hours before wanting to meet? Or feeling combative, not responding or thinking of “forcing a client’s hand?”

August 12, 2014

IMO nobody is that frickin busy to text or make a 2 min phone call. When I was dating, if I really wanted things to progress I never missed an opportunity to meet up, even if it was for an hour for a drink. She is either making this something on the side for her, casual until something better comes along, keeping her options open, has a BF, an LDR, or is just playing the field.

Lack of effort speaks volumes IMO.

August 12, 2014

Whatever you do/don't do, make sure it comes from a lighthearted, laid back perspective. Don't fill in the blanks, don't second guess. Exhale and have a c'est la vie frame of mind. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be.

August 12, 2014

I think she sounds a) genuinely interested in you but also b) genuinely very busy.

She said her schedule should clear up past Thursday. If you don't hear from her by Friday, it couldn't hurt to check in on her, like: "Hey, is your schedule getting any less crazy? I'd love to [propose idea] with you on Saturday/Sunday if that works for you."

If the scheduling continues to be a pain in the a*s and you aren't able to reconnect soon, you may have to conclude that this just isn't the best time for her to be doing any serious dating. Sometimes scheduling conflicts do kill potential relationships at this early stage.

August 13, 2014

I sent her a text last night (10:30ish) that read:

"Busy gal indeed! How bout this. Food + drinks. <specific lounge/restaurant>. Saturday night. 7:30. Followed by an urban adventure of our choice (if you have the time). Hope the move goes well!"

I thought this was fine. Any feedback from the gallery?

I felt like this text:

A) Acknowledged that she's busy.

B) Asks her out for something specific, fun, and planned in a light-hearted way.

C) Lets her know that I do want to see her after she claims she is free.

D) Lets her know that I don't intend to monopolize her Saturday night unless she wants to spend it with me.

E) Wishes her well in the move.

F) I'm taking the initiative to push things forward (as opposed to her as has been the case).

I've yet to hear back and don't plan on following up.

I do believe she is busy as she's alluded to everything going on from date one. She works a full-time job, has a side business, her best friend/roommate of 15 years just moved to a new city and she helped with this move. She is in the process of moving. She's involved in city rec sports league. With all that going on, she made time to see me 4 times in about 2 and half weeks.

As I said in the first post, the first four dates were great. Chemistry, conversation, common interests/values, sex. She made most of the moves and was the one asking to see me again. That's why the situation baffled me.

For those who said she's playing the field. It's certainly possible. I've been out with several girls from dating sites before and trust my instincts. I genuinely don't get a bad vibe from her. She quit using the dating site the day after our first date. She introduced me to her friends and did not hold back with PDA in front of them. The conversations she brings up also don't point to just for sex. She asks a great deal about my family and brings up hers quite a bit too. She brought up the kids thing. She's asked about my long-term plans, etc. Maybe she is in it just for sex but my experience would suggest otherwise.

Not that this matters or will change anything, but I think after 4 dates, sex, etc, it'd be nice to get a simple text that says something like:

"Hey. It was fun hanging out with you but I'm not interested in pursuing anything with you. Good luck!"

End of the day and perhaps all this post really needs to say is, I know what I want out of my interactions with her. More dates, sex, and exploring potential for a long-term relationship. If that's not what she's into, then we simply aren't compatible and that's perfectly fine for both of us.

August 13, 2014

Sounds to me that she’s been doing the asking out, the planning, and the giving. Some guys seem to think that bringing it up means I’m in a pissing match with a guy. Not really. The way I see it is that if I’m doing all or the majority of the pursuing and inviting, he isn’t into me and I’d be an idiot to keep initiating. So I stop. I read the signals.

Last minutes invites don’t count. People have plans and sometimes are doing something when the last minute text invite comes in.

So she responded in a bubbly affirming way and you didn't text back. The “forcing her hand” perspective is oppositional and competitive. You’re not into her. You're creating a pissing match.

Personally, my #1 problem with dating is how often it feels like I’m dragging a dead body (passive man) along behind me- and that’s what I’m seeing here. The majority of men I’ve dated in the past few years would never treat a professional colleague or potential customer or client the way they treat dates, or maybe just me. I mean, really… can you imagine a man texting a potential client a couple of hours before wanting to meet? Or feeling combative, not responding or thinking of “forcing a client’s hand?”

I agree with MOST of what you say, BlueIris.

I AM into her however. This is why I asked her out for a specific time/date/event this Saturday. Up until this point, I had the more flexible schedule and worked with her so I could see her. She also made efforts to see me...coming to my side of town, staying out when she had to get up for work at 5am, etc.

Could just be bad timing. We'll see.

August 13, 2014

I think she sounds a) genuinely interested in you but also b) genuinely very busy.

She said her schedule should clear up past Thursday. If you don't hear from her by Friday, it couldn't hurt to check in on her, like: "Hey, is your schedule getting any less crazy? I'd love to [propose idea] with you on Saturday/Sunday if that works for you."

If the scheduling continues to be a pain in the a*s and you aren't able to reconnect soon, you may have to conclude that this just isn't the best time for her to be doing any serious dating. Sometimes scheduling conflicts do kill potential relationships at this early stage.

You may be absolutely right about scheduling killing this one, Standard-Fare.

August 13, 2014

She is seeing other guys. How does a woman who was already busy, go to not being able to talk on the phone or return texts? She's evading. I would leave everything and find someone new.

The start of relationships/dating someone new is funny. The amount of bull people put up with for an essentially stranger is ridiculous. Myself included. One person is always treating someone great and the other is keeping their options open, being elusive -- because they know they can. But eventually the people run out and they come back.

Dating comes down to self respect, and knowing to move on because that person isn't respecting your feelings/time as much as you want them to.

You could hangout with this girl on date 5, have sex, blow your kids all over her face; then have her do ALL of this again. Because she knows she can still have you to herself, while playing the field.

My experience... If a girl isn't texting you daily or wanting to set up dates... There is MOST DEFINITELY someone else. It's a ****ty fact, but a true one. I see my women friends do it all the time.

August 13, 2014

Also, if this is how she is now. What would make you ever believe she would change?

This is clearly giving you a headache. The games... I wouldn't be surprised if you left out the details that scheduling the first couple of dates was a little hectic... I may be assuming though.

August 13, 2014

I agree with MOST of what you say, BlueIris.

I AM into her however. This is why I asked her out for a specific time/date/event this Saturday. Up until this point, I had the more flexible schedule and worked with her so I could see her. She also made efforts to see me...coming to my side of town, staying out when she had to get up for work at 5am, etc.

Could just be bad timing. We'll see.

You can only look at the facts. You are interested in her. She is at the moment unavailable. But she has told you that is because of her schedule which should open up soon.

Stick to the facts man. You're still in the early stages. Women want to know that you can handle a bit of ambiguity and uncertainty. It shows maturity. It shows self control. It's not her fault you have emotionally invested yourself after 4 dates after all.

Will things work out? Is she seeing other people? Is she super interested or just a bit interested. You don't know. And speculating will drive you nuts.

Here's the great thing, if you can just be patient, all your answers will come to light. But you don't want to do anything that is going to work against you.

Take it slow, keep things going. Don't hide your interest, but do hide your insecurities. Think of it this way, how would you feel if someone you had begun dating, whom you liked and enjoyed their company, might consider as a potential relationship with, but were still way to early...if you knew that person was analyzing every action and word you spoke? Would unnerve you a bit right?

We all tend to do that. And it can work against us.

August 13, 2014

Great post, morbot_k. Solid reminder that's grounded and not a jaded perspective.

From your objective perspective, do you think my text response achieved showing interests while hiding insecurity?

I agree about the patience. I suppose the frustrating part is that she was pushing things forward and I was playing it cool, being patient but assertive. One never knows and I agree speculating is pointless.

August 13, 2014

OP, I think that latest text you sent had the right tone, but I'm concerned you jumped the gun and sent it at the wrong time. She already made it clear she was jammed until Thursday. You definitely should have held back on your contact until at least then.

So absolutely don't make any more moves now. It's completely up to her to get in touch once her schedule clears.

Different point: I don't get why everyone on this thread is leaping to the conclusion that this woman is seeing other guys. Sure, that's always a possibility, but it shouldn't be the default assumption. OP, it's better to just give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's being honest about her busy schedule. There's no reason to START OUT with suspicion and distrust.

August 18, 2014

So, I never heard back from her. This post isn't for the people who have been rambling about how she is seeing other guys, etc. If she is, so be it. I'm still going to try. I want to hear from people who think I have a fighting chance. Even if it's a tiny one.

After much thought, I'm not too worried about the blow to my ego. At this point, I have nothing to lose. I've been out with other girls and have other dates scheduled and am staying active with my friends and passion. Just in the past week, my business was featured on NPR, my dog had an emergency vet visit, and my house got robbed. Plenty of distraction but she still surfaces.

I liked this girl and want to explore with her. She may not feel the same way, but I had every indication that she did until this. I have no idea what's going on in her world and I can't worry about that. What I can do, is try again and give myself some closure. If I don't hear back, then so be it. Small price to pay when timing could just have been bad.

At this point, it's been 1 week since I last heard from her. In that text, she noted how busy she's been and said she wants to see me again too. As morbot_k suggested, I'll take her at her word. Yes, she hasn't contacted me after a date request and that in itself is a communication.

I plan to try to re-connect with a light-hearted text. When can I try to contact her again? It's been a week. She was also moving into her new place this weekend. Probably distracted. Should I wait another week or more? Any other advice?

Thanks for reading and I hope y'all are doing well!

Edited August 18, 2014 by RoosterFrame

August 18, 2014

Hi there! I am a female in her 30s (if your girl is younger or way older, my perspective may be off). I would say there is not much to worry about. I think your last text to her accomplished all what you intended it to be! The biggest clue that suggests to me that she is still interested in you is the fact that she gave you an idea of when she will start to have more time (Thursday). What I typically do with someone I am NOT interested in is that (I know it is not so great) I would be vague as to when I expect to have more time. If I am not interested in you, I would text something like..."I am so busy right now and I don't when I will have the time to hang out," and hope that the guy gets the hint. But if I am interested in the guy, I would phrase the text exactly like her text and give you an idea of when things would start to calm down. Of course this is different for every female.

Sounds like your lady is very busy and very active. For someone like her, 1 week may feel like one day. I know what it's like to be busy to the point where my head starts to spin!! My current boyfriend has been extremely patient and supportive whenever I was busy, and I have always appreciated that. I think patience is an attractive quality in both men and female. Of course I understand that you are in the early stages of dating, but this is an opportunity to show her that you can be patient. Good luck!

August 18, 2014

Thanks, 54JA!

She's 34.

If I am not interested in you, I would text something like..."I am so busy right now and I don't when I will have the time to hang out," and hope that the guy gets the hint. But if I am interested in the guy, I would phrase the text exactly like her text and give you an idea of when things would start to calm down.

I thought so too. Did you notice that I asked her out for this past Saturday night (5 days in advance) and never got a response? That's what threw me off. Was that too pushy?

For someone like her, 1 week may feel like one day.

I know that feeling.

I think patience is an attractive quality in both men and female. Of course I understand that you are in the early stages of dating, but this is an opportunity to show her that you can be patient. Good luck!

I totally get the patience thing and appreciate that as well. So are you suggesting I wait another week? 2 weeks without contacting her seems like a really long time.

From a busy woman's perspective, would you reach out to him or expect him to reach out to you after a week or two? How would you like to be re-connected with?

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4 great dates, she asked for a 5th, and then unresponsive? How to proceed?

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