whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 They have never had sex before. They have came close but never crossed that line. They both admit to that. I just wanted to throw that in there. I have no idea why she comes back. He has told her he loves her twice....then told her he lied lol. He has called her all these names.....he would never do that to me. She told me he cried a couple affairs ago when they first saw each other after a horrible dday. He told her he was confused and scared....ummm don't believe her at ALL. Supposedly he told her he couldn't stop thinking about her. He told her he loved...I believe that only because when I read their messages...she said something like you told me you loved me..didn't you mean that..and he said NO lol. She bawl babied to him about how she feels stupid how he had her fooled...this was the 2nd time he had done this to her...lmao. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to?? Bolded part - Yet he cheats on you. Just saying... If you truly believe they haven't had sex, then you are fooling yourself. I'm betting he told her you two never had sex. He hasn't blocked her because he doesn't want to. 6
sam98 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) They have never had sex before. With the way she is acting? I don't believe that for a second. You're saying he is "using" her. How? He is has no feelings for her and there is apparently no physical gratification, then there would be no "affair". Edited August 9, 2014 by sam98 4
bathtub-row Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 They have never had sex before. They have came close but never crossed that line. They both admit to that. I just wanted to throw that in there. I have no idea why she comes back. He has told her he loves her twice....then told her he lied lol. He has called her all these names.....he would never do that to me. She told me he cried a couple affairs ago when they first saw each other after a horrible dday. He told her he was confused and scared....ummm don't believe her at ALL. Supposedly he told her he couldn't stop thinking about her. He told her he loved...I believe that only because when I read their messages...she said something like you told me you loved me..didn't you mean that..and he said NO lol. She bawl babied to him about how she feels stupid how he had her fooled...this was the 2nd time he had done this to her...lmao. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to?? Maybe he has forgotten how to block someone? Yeah, I'm sure that's exactly what it means. It's really complicated to block someone on Facebook, particularly for someone like him. Look, if it were me, I'd lose total respect for a man who treated anyone the way he has treated the OW. I know you think it's a validation of his undying love for you but I'm here to tell you that it isn't. It's a horrible game he's playing with her and you. Don't concern yourself with why she keeps coming back for more. It's not relevant to anything. What IS relevant, though, is why your husband's words and actions contradict one another. Please read the above sentence again because it's key to everything. Years ago, a spouse of mine cheated on me. After I left him and filed for divorce, he wanted me back. After several months of him proving himself to me, we got back together. A few months later, I was out having lunch with my sister when he called to talk to me. When I asked him where he was, he said that he was at a bar (I know - a bar a lunchtime). This was a bar that wasn't anywhere near our home and it was near the former OWs house. My sister told me months later that she would never forget that day. She couldn't believe the change in my demeanor when I heard that. I went from being perfectly happy and having a great time to being completely deflated, sinking into an abyss of depression. When I got home, I told him that I was leaving him. He was completely shocked. I think he figured that we would just have a spat about it and I'd get over it. But, as I said to him, I saw that one move as a way to get at me, like a test to see how I'd react. Mostly, I saw it as continued extreme disregard for our marriage. So I left him and have never been sorry. Hence why I personally now have a zero tolerance for affairs. And yes, my ex had the troubled childhood and all the rest. It made no difference how kind or understanding I was. He made my life a living hell. I'm just happy he's no longer in my life. Torture over. Moral of the story as it pertains to you? In the very same way, your husband has no regard for you or your marriage. As I used to say to my son when he tried to explain why he did something he shouldn't have: I don't care why. The why makes no diff. Stop the behavior or pay the consequences. Simple. Now you're in a position to sneak around, checking on your husband's actions. This man has got you where he wants you -- uncertain and insecure. And I can save you the suspense, he'll start up the affair again. What the thing on Facebook means is that because he didn't shut her down 100%, he's open to continuing on with her -- this fat, undesirable person who has magically put a spell on him. 5
goodyblue Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I wanted to show him how he is damaging our family. It worked so judge me if you want. But I believe I did the right thing No. The right thing would have been to leave a creepy philanderer and protect your teen daughter, who's brain is not fully developed and who has no way to deal with the situation. Pathetic. 10
sam98 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) They have never had sex before. They have came close but never crossed that line. They both admit to that. I just wanted to throw that in there. I have no idea why she comes back. He has told her he loves her twice....then told her he lied lol. He has called her all these names.....he would never do that to me. She told me he cried a couple affairs ago when they first saw each other after a horrible dday. He told her he was confused and scared....ummm don't believe her at ALL. Supposedly he told her he couldn't stop thinking about her. He told her he loved...I believe that only because when I read their messages...she said something like you told me you loved me..didn't you mean that..and he said NO lol. She bawl babied to him about how she feels stupid how he had her fooled...this was the 2nd time he had done this to her...lmao. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to?? He is a jokefest. He is having some affair that doesn't involve sex or emotions but does involve tears and "love"? Or enough happened between the two that the OW can perceive it as love. None of this makes sense. Please wake up. Your husband is playing both of you for fools. Some fat undesirable woman put your husband under a spell so much that he went back to her 5 or 6 times (!) without sex or emotions on his part?? He is such a decent man that he won't cross the sex line but will cheat on you repeatedly?? Does this make any sense to anyone? Edited August 9, 2014 by sam98 5
seekingpeaceinlove Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Your husband is a disgusting person and you are as brainwashed as they come. The only innocent person in this situation is your poor daughter who has to witness this clusterF*ck of a marriage wrought with instability and poor judgement. You were 100% wrong in dragging your daughter into you and your husband's mess. You risked emotionally traumatizing your child to "show" your husband the damage he was doing. Sorry OP but YOU are the one who damaged her psych as YOU are the one who chose to show her the texts and reveal the affair. Get yourselves into family therapy asap if you have any concern for your daughter's well-being. You'll find little sympathy for your actions as now you seem to be a willing participant in this drama. 10
MuddyFootprints Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I would recommend spending an hour or two reading in the forums you have posted to. Familiarize yourself with some of the typical infidelity stories. You may get a more realistic grasp on what you are dealing with. 3
jellybean89 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 To answer your question, if she is using a "new" FB account, she can message him if he doesn't have that account blocked. Many people who cheat create multiple emails & FB account to stay in contact with their affair partner and to fool their spouse.
Smilecharmer Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) You can do whatever you want as apparently you accept despicable behavior with relish. You believe everything he says when it is obvious that he is covering his butt. He is 100% responsible for this affair because he is married to you, not his mistress. He is a despicable man, calling his mistress names and jerking her around. Why you think this is a sign of his love for you shows you aren't well. He knows exactly how to manipulate her because he learned it very well manipulating you. He probably has done this many times and he is having sex. Don't be naive. You need a therapist for yourself and your daughter. I feel so sorry for her. Is there a responsible adult she can go live with since you emotionally and mentally abused her by exposing your husbands tawdry behavior? If not, please call child services so they can intervene because you aren't well in the head right now due to your husbands behavior. Why any woman or man would stay in a situation like this and wallow in drama like this is beyond me. Do what you want but never, ever expose your daughter to this trash. Get some therapy today. I hope you get help because you really are in a bad situation that will only get worse unless you leave this jerk. Call someone because you are willfully hiding your head in the sand. Edited August 9, 2014 by Smilecharmer 5
solostand Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 He is lying to you when he says she is "fat" and "unattractive". Men don't sleep with women they find unattractive. They can't get it up. That's just common knowledge. Especially not for two years - maybe one night. So he is trying to save his ass by blaming her - and you. Your mind should not be on her and her "seductress" ways, but with you husband,and why he has to lie and cheat. He's avoiding his responsibility, you are buying it, so you're just setting him up for the next one, who may be "hot" and "irrestible" and "I couldn't help myself". 3
Survivor12 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Thank you for your reply. This time was different. I showed my teenage daughter messages from the other women to my daughter and it crushed her. She cried and wanted him to leave our home at first. But I think that woke him up. He swore he was using her and has no feelings for her and finds her very unattractive. And all it took was you breaking your daughter's heart. Now she's got two parents who are horrible role models. What kind of mother would use her innocent daughter to hang on to a lying, cheating, scumbag of a husband? Pathetic. 6
Hope Shimmers Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I will never understand why some BS's bend over backwards to never see the truth and just deny, deny, deny, and blame the OW completely for "brainwashing" the H. The fact that you showed your teenaged daughter that message and brought her into this nightmare is unbelievable. However much "in denial" you are, that should not surpass your being a good mother to your kids. A good mother would never consider doing that to their child - no matter what. I feel sorry for your kids - they have two very disturbed and non-attentive and non-caring parents. 5
Scarlet2 Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 I would assume the OW isn't going to truly believe what was said in an email or text because if it is hateful, it's easy to think the MM is only saying it because his W is telling him to say it or the W is writing it herself posing as the MM, so of course she's going to keep coming back. If he truly finds her fat and unattractive and never wants to see her again, he should verbally say so and even better, in person. Then she might finally leave him alone.
fellini Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 (edited) To answer your question, if she is using a "new" FB account, she can message him if he doesn't have that account blocked. Many people who cheat create multiple emails & FB account to stay in contact with their affair partner and to fool their spouse. Actually OP, you said it yourself in your original post: You found a message that he never opened, he just deleted. What more action can you truly expect? Im not even sure you can block someone if you have already deleted their email. Im not interested that much in the issue, but perhaps you have to open a message, and then decide to block. This is how Whatsapp works for me. If I delete the message, how am I going to then block the sender? There are much more pressing issues in your story. I disagree about what many have said about involving your daughter, there is no reason why she shouldn't be informed, I disagree with the way you did it. I think you needed a more subtle and less intrusive approach to this. MY WS and I told our daughter a little because we had to give her a good reason for why her mother was leaving the house for a time (about a month). I'm not of the mind that we tell the entire truth to our kids, but nor am I of the mind that we make up some stupid completely pathetic lie. In the case of infidelity, if one partner is actually thinking about leaving the family for another person, there is no reason to say to a child, mommy is going to live with grandma because she is not feeling well. Then what, two weeks later mommy is living with her AP? This is not the kind of lies I will do with my daughter. So we were very clear back then: "Mommy needs time to decide if she wants to stay married or be with another man." This is very different than showing same child the emails I had where my WS talked about her AP looking for her G spot. Or his emails about her breasts, or his undying love for her. That was never in the game. I have read the literature, although I already have my ideas about what what is right and wrong, and there are solid reasons to involve children in issues related to infidelity. But showing the love letters between them is not in any of the recommendations, just as using the infidelity to make one parent seem better than the other is. Edited August 10, 2014 by fellini
stillafool Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 What I gather is your husband wanted to stay because of your daughter, not necessarily you. He didn't want to break his daughters heart but apparently doesn't care about breaking yours 5 to 6 times. Please don't blame the OW for your husbands cheating, it is completely his fault as he is the one married to you. All of the excuses you use to understand his cheating are bull. Plenty of people have been through more than your husband and have not cheated. He knows you will not leave him so he will cheat again and again when he desires this other woman. You need to wake up and get yourself into individual counseling to find out why you have so little self esteem that you continually put up with him because he isn't going to stop. He's just taking a break. 1
2sunny Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 You've trained your H to treat you terribly - by staying when he cheats. He has the firm idea you aren't leaving him no matter how bad his behavior is. If YOU aren't willing to change it - things will remain the same. How long are you willing to put up with his bad behavior? 2
snappytomcat Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 wow just wow,im at a loss for words on this one,as a bs who is working on recociling with my xws,I know the pain you are in,but if my husband didn't accept the blame for what he did and placed it all on the xow,I would have walked right then and there,cause I know he would have been lying his azz off,it takes 2 to tango,your husband was a willing participant in this,and if it makes you feel better,that he called her names well so be it,cause affairs are rarely based on what the ap looks like,its how the ow/om makes the ws spouse feel,good luck to you,and op I really hope you can wake up and see that he has brainwashed you,after 6 times getting caught cheating hes a master at this
snappytomcat Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 He is lying to you when he says she is "fat" and "unattractive". Men don't sleep with women they find unattractive. They can't get it up. That's just common knowledge. Especially not for two years - maybe one night. So he is trying to save his ass by blaming her - and you. Your mind should not be on her and her "seductress" ways, but with you husband,and why he has to lie and cheat. He's avoiding his responsibility, you are buying it, so you're just setting him up for the next one, who may be "hot" and "irrestible" and "I couldn't help myself". this this is simply not true,maybe in your case it is,but the xow in my situation is not attractive at all,and this used to bother me but im indifferent to it all now,but for a lot of ws the ap,doesnt look any better than the spouse,its all about ego stroking,and how the ap makes them feel 1
No Limit Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 OP, why aren't you divorcing already? You got your minor revenge now, and your husband will be most careful about his affair(s) now in the future, but that's a life of lies. And your daughter? Was that necessary? My father was at least stupid enough to take me to OW once so it was his own stupidity, but you practically threw her under bus! 1
Mr. Lucky Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 They have never had sex before. They have came close but never crossed that line. Would you have taken him back five or six times if he'd never had sex with you ??? Mr. Lucky
beach Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 Who cares if he did or didn't have sex with anyone else. His intent is to hurt you and the marriage. You allow it by staying with him. And don't believe he didn't have sex with others...
No Limit Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 OP, the "I had no sex, I swear!"-excuse is what is usually called "damage control" to keep you in line. 2
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