Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Okay, I am knew here and I will try to keep this short. My husband has been in on again off again affair. For about two years. It seems to be a cycle. He starts talking to her then seeing her then wakes up realizes it's a mistake then dumps then she tells me...this has happened five or six times, lost track. Each time he cries begs and pleas for me to take him back..she was a mistake. I believe him 100% when he says it's her fault and she is manipulative, crazy, and persistant. This last "dday" was a bad on. I thought this was for real this time because he said horrible and cruel things to her. Called her fat Lol. Told her he could never want someone like her. Told her she was a giant mistake and wasn't worth his time. I was there when he sent it. All she could say was "congratulations, if you were trying to hurt me you won" Never heard from her sense...till now. I monitor his fb he doesn't know this but I saw that she had sent him a message....he never opened it he just deleted it..however she sent it from a new account, as he has the old one blocked. I'm so relieved that he never opened or read the message..However, I feel like he should have blocked her so she would have no way to communicate with her. Am I reading to much into this or is he trying to keep the door open until he is ready to send her a message? !!!
JSeaver Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I am going through a divorce due to cheating spouse and I understand how these little things are HUGE when it can mean the life or death of your marriage! Hang in there but I hope you don't tie your self-esteem to your relationship - that's what I did and it put me in a deep ditch when things fell apart. I am not sure how to regain trust or respect after that kind of betrayal but I wish you the best! 2
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Okay, I am knew here and I will try to keep this short. My husband has been in on again off again affair. For about two years. It seems to be a cycle. He starts talking to her then seeing her then wakes up realizes it's a mistake then dumps then she tells me...this has happened five or six times, lost track. Each time he cries begs and pleas for me to take him back..she was a mistake. I believe him 100% when he says it's her fault and she is manipulative, crazy, and persistant. This last "dday" was a bad on. I thought this was for real this time because he said horrible and cruel things to her. Called her fat Lol. Told her he could never want someone like her. Told her she was a giant mistake and wasn't worth his time. I was there when he sent it. All she could say was "congratulations, if you were trying to hurt me you won" Never heard from her sense...till now. I monitor his fb he doesn't know this but I saw that she had sent him a message....he never opened it he just deleted it..however she sent it from a new account, as he has the old one blocked. I'm so relieved that he never opened or read the message..However, I feel like he should have blocked her so she would have no way to communicate with her. Am I reading to much into this or is he trying to keep the door open until he is ready to send her a message? !!! So what responsibility do you place on your husband in all of this? He is an adult, no one can force him to do anything. He chooses to cheat again and again. Your relief should come from the fact that you don't have to monitor another adult. Are you ok with the back and forth? 3
CarrieT Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I can understand you wanting to work on a marriage after being cheated one once. Maybe twice. But five or six times? That is beyond reproachable. You kept taking him back for *some* reason I can't fathom. And if he is going back to the same person -- after spewing the horrible and cruel things you described -- than she has bought into the same drama and stories you are buying into. I think you should both leave him. 7
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 So what responsibility do you place on your husband in all of this? He is an adult, no one can force him to do anything. He chooses to cheat again and again. Your relief should come from the fact that you don't have to monitor another adult. Are you ok with the back and forth? Thank you for your reply. This time was different. I showed my teenage daughter messages from the other women to my daughter and it crushed her. She cried and wanted him to leave our home at first. But I think that woke him up. He swore he was using her and has no feelings for her and finds her very unattractive.
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 I can understand you wanting to work on a marriage after being cheated one once. Maybe twice. But five or six times? That is beyond reproachable. You kept taking him back for *some* reason I can't fathom. And if he is going back to the same person -- after spewing the horrible and cruel things you described -- than she has bought into the same drama and stories you are buying into. I think you should both leave him. I personally don't think she deserves my husband. This time was different my daughter saw his messages and was devastated. This woke him up. IT was different this time. I can just feel that it's done. He said he had no feelings for her and I kind of believe him.
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Thank you for your reply. This time was different. I showed my teenage daughter messages from the other women to my daughter and it crushed her. She cried and wanted him to leave our home at first. But I think that woke him up. He swore he was using her and has no feelings for her and finds her very unattractive. I'm very confused as to why you would bring a teenager into such an adult situation. I have trouble dealing with it as an adult. Please get your entire family into therapy. I do know what you are going through as I am a betrayed wife. Your husband still needs to own his part. He found her attractive enough to keep going back to her. 16
bathtub-row Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Cheating for two years and then putting the blame on the OW?? Wow, he really knows how to con you. I might forgive a one-night stand, or some other affair depending on the circumstances - not likely, but there's always room for a what-if, I suppose. My point is, it would be hard enough to forgive a 2-yr, on-again, off-again affair, but I would NEVER get past a man making the excuse that it was someone else's fault. That's about the lamest thing I've ever heard. So, the next time another conniving, evil seductress comes along, you get to worry again about what your lame husband will do. Because, well, he just can't be held responsible for his own actions. Now, there's the makings of a great, long-lasting marriage! 5
bathtub-row Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I showed my teenage daughter messages from the other women to my daughter and it crushed her. What were you thinking?? 15
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 So what responsibility do you place on your husband in all of this? He is an adult, no one can force him to do anything. He chooses to cheat again and again. Your relief should come from the fact that you don't have to monitor another adult. Are you ok with the back and forth? My husband had an issue with drinking. He had a rough childhood the person he was close to was his father and he died four years back. He changed after that. He is incredibly troubled. She is ALWAYS the one who contacts him first and starts it back up. Sure he isn't completely innocent. He follows her I've caught him...he stalks her facebook...I've seen it on our browser but that is normal! I don't expect him to be 100 percent okay after two years of him talking to a crazy train. She brainwashed him.
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 My husband had an issue with drinking. He had a rough childhood the person he was close to was his father and he died four years back. He changed after that. He is incredibly troubled. She is ALWAYS the one who contacts him first and starts it back up. Sure he isn't completely innocent. He follows her I've caught him...he stalks her facebook...I've seen it on our browser but that is normal! I don't expect him to be 100 percent okay after two years of him talking to a crazy train. She brainwashed him. He isn't innocent even a little bit. He is a guilty lying cheat. But most of all, he is a master manipulator! He never had to respond to her but he did. She didn't force him to do anything. As for the brainwashing, me thinks someone else is under a spell . 8
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 What were you thinking?? I wanted to show him how he is damaging our family. It worked so judge me if you want. But I believe I did the right thing
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I wanted to show him how he is damaging our family. It worked so judge me if you want. But I believe I did the right thing Op, I am sorry for what you are going through. You are in denial. You need to take an honest look at your situation and your response to it. I've never seen someone go as far as to say their WS is brainwashed. What do you do for that? Call in Gandalf? Harry potter and the boys? The notion is absurd. Stop making excuses for him. Let him man up and fix himself. 7
TAV Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 So your husband abuses you by betraying you time and time again and your excuse for him is his rough childhood. You, in turn, abused your own child by using her as a pawn in your marriage troubles. Yes, abused her, because it is mental abuse when you, as a grown up, put your troubles on the shoulders of a child. It is utterly selfish and does not show any parenting skills at all. I'm glad you are so proud it 'worked' for you and you got that gem of a husband 'back' because of it. Aren't you a winner. One day in the near or distant future your daughter is going to let you know just what you did to her, I hope you still feel so victorious then. As for your husband and his rough childhood. I did not grow up in a happy home either and I still manage to see right from wrong and would never treat my SO the way your husband treats you. It is not an excuse and you should stop making excuses for him. Wake up and smell the coffee. 9
Mount Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Exactly, very well said! The thing is if the Betrayed spouse wants to keep the husband, of course she can do that, just keep welcomeing the "surprise". Back and forth. This applies to OW too. People just don't change, simple is that. he brainwashed you. 1
Mount Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) As people said, there has NOTHING WRONG you stick with your Wayward spouse. You just need to accept the fact his continous or upcoming more affairs. Actually I think the OW's answer was very classy, not like your husband calling her name, fat? When he was intimating with her he did not think she was fat? That says a lot about your husband's character. I wanted to show him how he is damaging our family. It worked so judge me if you want. But I believe I did the right thing Edited August 9, 2014 by Mount 1
RoseMadder Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I wanted to show him how he is damaging our family. It worked so judge me if you want. But I believe I did the right thing You USED your child to try and manipulate your cheating husband into behaving himself. You put yourself and your desire to stay with this man above the psychological well being of your daughter. Google triangulation. What you did is NOT acceptable, by dragging your child into this you've made her a third person in your marriage. By making her your confidante her relationship with her father will be dependant on him not cheating on you because she will see it as cheating on her as well. Also you might think you've "won" at this point but ultimately what you've done will make it easier for your husband to leave both of you. If he feels like it's him vs you AND your daughter and you both hate him why would he want to stay? He's already shown himself to be weak and capable of cheating, once he realises things will never be the same within his family and his daughter will never look at him as her 'daddy' again he might think it's easier to just leave. 8
Branflake Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Gently... He's got you brainwashed. She hasn't done anything other than open a door, and he chose, willingly, to walk through it. He can call her any name in the book if he wishes. It is for your benefit at this point that he does. He's trying to save his ass. He's not just lying to you, you're lying to yourself if you believe that she has some magical power over a grown man. There are somethings you need to accept: 1) He may finally be going NC, but you won't really know that for awhile. 2) Regret is not remorse. What is he doing to help you? 3) His AP may have opened the door, but he willingingly went through it over and over. All he is doing is blameshifting and gaslighting you. She has no magical abilities over a grown man. He has done this willingly and with full knowledge of what he was doing. He's just upset he's been exposed now. 4) It's not about you or the AP. It's about him. He's broken, and until he's in IC, shows true remorse and that he actually 'gets it', it's just regret he got caught. Again. And again. And again, etc. What is he doing to help you heal? Otherwise, you just need to wait for another AP with 'magical' brainwashing abilities to come along and brainwash your poor, helpless WS into falling 'accidently' into her vagina. 5) You need to figure out why you stay. Codependence? He's lying to you. He's lying to her. Are you lying to yourself? 6) Find your bitch boots woman, put them on, try out the fit and make some demands for him if you want to reconcile. Don't rugsweep, b/c if you do...you'll be here again later, as you have already experienced. Right now NC, IC, and full electronic transparency should be first and foremost on your/his agenda. I hope things work out for you, but your WS needs to take ownership of his OWN actions and do whatever he needs to do to help you and your marriage heal. If he can't or is unwilling, then you have your answer. Good luck. 7
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Thank you for your reply. This time was different. I showed my teenage daughter messages from the other women to my daughter and it crushed her. She cried and wanted him to leave our home at first. But I think that woke him up. He swore he was using her and has no feelings for her and finds her very unattractive. Bolded...And this makes it better?? He risked your marriage and family life for what? For someone he finds fat, unattractive and has no feelings for? Also, there was no need to show your daughter the messages, now it crushed her and she will never look at her dad the same way. I get that him having an affair is awful and so hurtful but you (and him) should have kept it away from your kid(s). Anyway, your husband is a real jerk. Very disrespectful overall and it's obvious that he's thrown this OW under the bus like he's an innocent victim, she chased him, manipulated him... Yet he kept going back? Your H WILL cheat on you again once the dust settles down. He's suffered NO consequences, you take him back each time and he knows he can cry and beg, then you cave. Next time he cheats with her on you, KICK him out of the house and file for divorce...Even if you don't follow through on the divorce, scaring him will be good for him. Let him "live life" with the OW, see how life is without you in it. Maybe then he'll really be sorry for his cheating ways. Until then he will do as he pleases. 4
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I personally don't think she deserves my husband. This time was different my daughter saw his messages and was devastated. This woke him up. IT was different this time. I can just feel that it's done. He said he had no feelings for her and I kind of believe him. What has he actually done to change? Other than apologize and say the words? How has he changed and made efforts to better himself, be a better husband, better father? Is he in counseling? So if he had no feelings for her, again I ask, why did he risk everything for her? Was it just about sex and his ego? ON the expense of you and the family? How selfish is that! 1
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I wanted to show him how he is damaging our family. It worked so judge me if you want. But I believe I did the right thing Please think about getting your daughter some counseling so she won't have daddy and trust issues in the future when dating men. I agree with the others, he brainwashed and manipulated you. The OW is responsible for her part in the affair but HE is the one who hurt YOU. Betrayed YOU. Not her. 8
bathtub-row Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Gently... He's got you brainwashed. She hasn't done anything other than open a door, and he chose, willingly, to walk through it. He can call her any name in the book if he wishes. It is for your benefit at this point that he does. He's trying to save his ass. He's not just lying to you, you're lying to yourself if you believe that she has some magical power over a grown man. There are somethings you need to accept: 1) He may finally be going NC, but you won't really know that for awhile. 2) Regret is not remorse. What is he doing to help you? 3) His AP may have opened the door, but he willingingly went through it over and over. All he is doing is blameshifting and gaslighting you. She has no magical abilities over a grown man. He has done this willingly and with full knowledge of what he was doing. He's just upset he's been exposed now. 4) It's not about you or the AP. It's about him. He's broken, and until he's in IC, shows true remorse and that he actually 'gets it', it's just regret he got caught. Again. And again. And again, etc. What is he doing to help you heal? Otherwise, you just need to wait for another AP with 'magical' brainwashing abilities to come along and brainwash your poor, helpless WS into falling 'accidently' into her vagina. 5) You need to figure out why you stay. Codependence? He's lying to you. He's lying to her. Are you lying to yourself? 6) Find your bitch boots woman, put them on, try out the fit and make some demands for him if you want to reconcile. Don't rugsweep, b/c if you do...you'll be here again later, as you have already experienced. Right now NC, IC, and full electronic transparency should be first and foremost on your/his agenda. I hope things work out for you, but your WS needs to take ownership of his OWN actions and do whatever he needs to do to help you and your marriage heal. If he can't or is unwilling, then you have your answer. Good luck. 'Bitch boots' -- lol. 3
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 They have never had sex before. They have came close but never crossed that line. They both admit to that. I just wanted to throw that in there. I have no idea why she comes back. He has told her he loves her twice....then told her he lied lol. He has called her all these names.....he would never do that to me. She told me he cried a couple affairs ago when they first saw each other after a horrible dday. He told her he was confused and scared....ummm don't believe her at ALL. Supposedly he told her he couldn't stop thinking about her. He told her he loved...I believe that only because when I read their messages...she said something like you told me you loved me..didn't you mean that..and he said NO lol. She bawl babied to him about how she feels stupid how he had her fooled...this was the 2nd time he had done this to her...lmao. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to??
MuddyFootprints Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 It means that he is not willing to do something that you need him to do to help make your relationship feel safe for you. He didn't forget how to use the block function. 6
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