Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Okay, I am knew here and I will try to keep this short. My husband has been in on again off again affair. For about two years. It seems to be a cycle. He starts talking to her then seeing her then wakes up realizes it's a mistake then dumps then she tells me...this has happened five or six times, lost track. Each time he cries begs and pleas for me to take him back..she was a mistake. I believe him 100% when he says it's her fault and she is manipulative, crazy, and persistant. This last "dday" was a bad on. I thought this was for real this time because he said horrible and cruel things to her. Called her fat Lol. Told her he could never want someone like her. Told her she was a giant mistake and wasn't worth his time. I was there when he sent it. All she could say was "congratulations, if you were trying to hurt me you won" Never heard from her sense...till now. I monitor his fb he doesn't know this but I saw that she had sent him a message....he never opened it he just deleted it..however she sent it from a new account, as he has the old one blocked. I'm so relieved that he never opened or read the message..However, I feel like he should have blocked her so she would have no way to communicate with her. Am I reading to much into this or is he trying to keep the door open until he is ready to send her a message? !!!
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 After 5-6 ddays, you're no longer a victim in the situation but a volunteer. You've signed up for this drama; I'd expect more of it. Seems to me that they have a difficult relationship, probably because you're in the middle of it. 9
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 After 5-6 ddays, you're no longer a victim in the situation but a volunteer. You've signed up for this drama; I'd expect more of it. Seems to me that they have a difficult relationship, probably because you're in the middle of it. I really hope there isn't more to it. I love him soo much and we really want to make this work and stay true to our vows. This lady has ruined my life. My daughter saw his messages this time and it devastated her...therefor I think he really woke up. But I would think he would block her if she tried to contact him. He has blocked her before. I pray he isn't trying to leave a door open. He told me he wasn't attracted to her..no real feelings just using her......
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I really hope there isn't more to it. I love him soo much and we really want to make this work and stay true to our vows. This lady has ruined my life. My daughter saw his messages this time and it devastated her...therefor I think he really woke up. But I would think he would block her if she tried to contact him. He has blocked her before. I pray he isn't trying to leave a door open. He told me he wasn't attracted to her..no real feelings just using her...... What's he using her for? When I'm not attracted to someone, my lady bits aren't either. 1
Raena Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 The question is... what is he doing that's convincing you that he's into you and not going to cheat again? Cheat once... and reconcile... ok, I can see that. But he keeps cheating over and over again with the same person and you keep taking him back. You can't watch over his shoulder forever nor should you need to. If I were you, I'd kick him out and be done with it now because it doesn't sound like he's going to stop.
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 What's he using her for? When I'm not attracted to someone, my lady bits aren't either. Someone to talk to. They would text eachother all day every day while they were at work. He would see her here and there. But they did allot of talking to eachother. I saw all 800 pages of messages she gave me. Allot of it sounded like they were just close friends...very little of it was sexual or talking about their feelings for each other. He has told her he loved her before but he took it back. Serves her right. I really believe it was something he said in the moment and didn't mean it. Besides messaging..texting..emailing..isn't the same as talking in person. He was using her to kill time.
Journee Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Your daughter saw the message or did you show her? I also stayed with a serial cheater for years. I'm sorry you are going through this but you are in denial. Your husband is choosing to keep seeing this woman. She isn't forcing him to do anything. Your husband doesn't deserve for you to make excuses for his choices and behaviors. He's a big boy. The OW is wrong no doubt, but she doesn't get %100 of the blame. There is someone out there that will.be good to you. I know you love him but loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them. I'll always love my stbxh too but I'll not allow for him to hurt me anymore. Again, I'm sorry you are going through this. 2
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Someone to talk to. They would text eachother all day every day while they were at work. He would see her here and there. But they did allot of talking to eachother. I saw all 800 pages of messages she gave me. Allot of it sounded like they were just close friends...very little of it was sexual or talking about their feelings for each other. He has told her he loved her before but he took it back. Serves her right. I really believe it was something he said in the moment and didn't mean it. Besides messaging..texting..emailing..isn't the same as talking in person. He was using her to kill time. This sounds a lot like when I was dating and getting to know my husband. 800 pages? That is a lot! I kill time with angry birds, I'm really good at it now. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 5 or 6 times? OP, you're just as wrapped up in this ridiculous drama. She hasn't ruined your life. Your cheating loser of a husband has. He continues doing it because he likes it. And he's tacitly allowed to. You're still there. I don't know what type of help you expect to get here when it's clear you're not ready to really lay down the law? 1
Author Soccermom20141988 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 Thank you for all the comments. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to??
purplesorrow Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Thank you for all the comments. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to?? Yes, if he truly wants to be done, he would block all means of communication between the two of them. Have you asked him why he hasn't blocked her? I will add not to have any false sense of security if he does block her from the things you know about. He is either done with her or he isn't. Please don't wear yourself out emotionally trying to keep tabs.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Thank you for all the comments. However, I guess my questions was....by him not blocking her....does that mean anything...? He knows I demand her blocked from him completely. He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to?? Of course. It means he has no intention of stopping this other relationship. Please don't tell me you actually convinced yourself he forgot how to block her. 2
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 He has blocked her several times before. I guess I don't understand why he hasn't. Maybe he has forgotten how to?? That's your best guess - that he's forgotten how to block someone on FB ??? Soccermom, I feel for you simply because you're your own worst enemy. Not her. Not him. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me 5-6 times? Mr. Lucky 1
todreaminblue Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) i Had this thing where i stayed with a serial cheat i would talk it out in my head..... one i was an ex escort and it was payment for me participating in men who were unfaithful to their wives two it wouldnt be good if i left because the kids loved him and we were a family i loved him and we were a family that all men cheat if given the opportunity that i deserved no better treatment considering he knew what i used to do i believe people can change if they are shown love and forgiveness i am a fighter i can suck it up so i would end up staying feeling more down each time he cheated. more trapped , felt more worthless, more pathetic, more confused.....the longer i stayed the more i would think i cant leave now look at all we have come through he wont do it again and this went on for over a decade.....until.....the final affair sunk us....i couldnt fight anymore, he didnt respect me and began to treat me badly......now it took em a very long time to make a stand, and i ended up in hospital, but i made my stand and stayign with him nearly killed me, took all the fight all my love every part of me to stay,so when it came time for me to go ....i had nothing left ....absolutely nothing...i was a shell of who i once was ..... when what would have been so simple to do was not put up with it a long long time ago and walk away with my head high.....instead i got dragged into a van with guys in white......and court ordered to stay in hospital...because with him was my desire to live i had kept it up so long i didnt know who i was anymore...and i just gave up the ghost of that woman................ no one deserves to be cheated on, no one deserves deceit, or disrespect or lack of love...... if you dotn make you stand....he will leave you eventually it is just a matter fo time and all you have fought for and believed in will be for nothing dont let him drag you to hell........from experience it is hard to come back from ......the feelings of worthlessness remain for years.......the fight in you should be a fight that you keep for a relationship that is true not false...... not all men cheat........you deserve one that doesnt.......make your stand and do not break do not bend or compromise...make your stand and do it today....or you will end up really sad ....and alone anyway..deb Edited August 9, 2014 by todreaminblue 2
Justwondering33 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 You need mental HELP! Your biggest concern right now should be your daughter you showed messages to (read your other post) not worried about Facebook blocking like a teenage girl. You've caught your husband multiple times already, be an adult & deal with it , not waiste your time on , "did he block her". What is wrong with you? You'll put your daughter through that to "show" your husband & you say you "did the right thing"? I've been on both sides of affairs & to bring the kids into is desperate & rock bottom. He's NEVER going to respect that & one day neither will your daughter. You have to respect yourself before anyone else can. You can change this , stop doing irrational things & confront the source of your problems ,which is your own self esteem . Give your daughter a good role model , not a crazy mother that brings her down because she can't control her own life . Fix it , as only YOU can! Good luck to you. 1
bentleychic Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 You do know, depending on his settings, he could have read the message in it's entirety without actually opening it, right? Not trying to discourage your enjoyment in that part, but if he gets text or e-mail notification of messages, he may have read it even though it looks like he didn't. Good luck with...whatever you guys decide. And please keep your daughter out of it in the future. 2
herself Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Surely you dont think fb is their only method of communication. Theres work email you cant monitor, theres skype messaging. Eas and pas are addicting. Spouses know how to lie and what to say ie. I didnt love her Im done, was using her....I am one of those liars, its about damage control and minimizing. Your trust will never be the same... Pull the plug.
Butterflying Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 As many others have already said, you are enabling him to cheat with this woman. While you sit there analyzing the meaning of him not blocking her on "ONE" social media site, there are hundreds of other ways he communicates with her that are more significant. But I suppose, when you have this much drama in your life, it's easier to focus on one problem at a time!! Good luck asking for advice that you won't take because you're not really looking for help. You want someone to tell you there is a chance he truly loves you because he hasn't blocked her. You want someone to tell you this whole mess is her fault. You want someone to tell you to hang in there and this man will eventually be the kind of husband you deserve. The truth is, if you allow someone to treat you this way, then you deserve to feel however you do right now. #toughlove
Hope Shimmers Posted August 10, 2014 Posted August 10, 2014 This lady has ruined my life. No, your chronically cheating husband ruined your life. Not her. In fact, I would bet he ruined her life too, with the horrible things he has said to her. Although I am sure he said those for your benefit knowing you were listening, in order to save his butt. You really think he lied to you when he said he loved her? And that she is a nutcase and throwing herself at him and he is incapable of "protecting" himself from her advances? You said you saw 800 pages of messages and they talk all day, every day and most of it was not about sex. I would worry about that in a big way if I were you, more so than if it were mainly sexually based. This is very emotional, and 6 D-days proves it. He can't stay away from her, and I doubt he has done it now. The default in Facebook is that if someone sends you a PM, you get an e-mail with the content included, so he saw it unless he went in and changed that setting and who does that? I would bet he deleted it for your sake, and I would bet they have found another method of communicating. I do hope that you take your head out of the sand after 6 D-days and realize what is really going on and who is really to blame instead of making excuses for your cheating H. 1
stillafool Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Someone to talk to. They would text eachother all day every day while they were at work. He would see her here and there. But they did allot of talking to eachother. I saw all 800 pages of messages she gave me. Allot of it sounded like they were just close friends...very little of it was sexual or talking about their feelings for each other. He has told her he loved her before but he took it back. Serves her right. I really believe it was something he said in the moment and didn't mean it. Besides messaging..texting..emailing..isn't the same as talking in person. He was using her to kill time. If he needed someone to talk to why didn't he chose you? Can't he text you if he needs someone to talk to? I'm glad you finally decided to read the 800 pages the OW gave you. On another thread you said you weren't going to read them. You dear are in denial. Your husband is going to see this OW again and that is the reason he hasn't blocked her. Stop blaming the OW for ruining your life and instead put the blame where it should be which is your husband. If it wasn't this OW it would be another. He has no desire to remain faithful in your marriage. At this point we're wondering why do you continue to subject yourself to his cheating. 1
HereNorThere Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 The other woman did not marry you and create a family, he did. Blaming her for what he did isn't going to change anything and I think deep down you already know this. Your husband did this to you and your daughter. If he was remorseful, would he even have a facebook page? Wouldn't he being doing anything and everything to admit what he did and change what is happening? No matter what he does from this point on, nothing will change what has happened. You have to decide if this new person is someone you would marry and have a family with. The old husband and old life is long gone by now. This is what you have left and you can accept it, but you can't wish it away by blaming someone else.
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