How soon is too soon to meet family?

[readynow]

I've just finished a huge argument with bf where he's left my house saying, 'My aunties don't eat people'

 

His littlest sister is getting married in Spain next month and his massive family have rented this huge château for us all to stay the whole weekend in. So I'll be with my son and bf and his entire extended family for 3 whole days! I've met his parents once and his kids several times but never met his sisters brothers, aunties uncles, nieces, nephews etc

 

Isn't it too early to be with his whole family for that long? I'm silly for first saying I didn't know I was to attend but I then thought we'd be staying at our own hotel for those days. I said it was too early to spend so much time with his family. He wasnt happy to hear that.

 

We've been together since February this year and I just think it's too soon. What do you think?

[d0nnivain]

Only a few months in I would not be comfortable spending 3 days under the same roof as his extended family.

 

It's a perfectly nice time to meet them but those are awfully close quarters.

 

I certainly wouldn't bring my kid into a situation like that.

 

Can you stay in a nearby hotel & have dinner with everybody?

[readynow]

We've been together over 7 months now and I know now that his family would take offense at his staying at a separate hotel. He's the eldest of his lot and he has been booked a quarter of a wing at this place. I knew this and just thought it was for him and his kids but it turns out he has his own mini apartment for him, me n little man. His kids have their own rooms too.

 

Will it be totally bad for the relationship if I didn't go at all? I get on well with his kids and theylove my son too. His parents 'adore' me and I dont want to offend them either.

[anne1707]

Is his family from Spain? It's just the Spanish are BIG on family and would have a very different attitude to this than your average English person. They could be offended if you don't stay.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Sometimes you get swept into events like this when you meet someone and end up having to go to things you may not be entirely ready for.

 

The concern for me would be having kids, that's another dynamic that would make me second guess things...sure, a whirlwind romance at best if it fails if you're single..but when you have to drag your kid along, to meet and be among people he doesn't know or is familiar with, how is he going to feel? is he going to be comfortable?...with people who are not his family or familiar with and the relationship is not entirely secure or permanent, there isn't a lot of history there yet, you haven't built up to this with him...so it is a bit more cause for concern and I'm not sure how entirely comfortable I would be with that if I had a child and flew him across the world to go to a wedding with me with my fairly new in the bigger cope of things, 7 month old GF...especially as you and your son are a bit at the mercy to your BF and his family for the duration of the trip, meaning if any drama does occur then it might become a bit of a uncomfortable situation. I mean how well and comfortable are you around these people?

 

I don't anticipate anything going wrong, it is a wedding after all...but shet happens.

 

So depends on how old your son is and how it's going to work with him involved in the dynamic...that would be my concern, I don't really care how well you get along with the family and all that, who cares they hardly know you anyway...everyone can love each other in the beginning with their best behavior hat on.

 

I'd lean more towards the end of you going alone with without your son, does he have a grandma or someone that can watch over him? how old is he again? has he ever been on a trip or flight this long? etc..

 

Otherwise yeah I'd say not going at all could be an offense, and you staying separately could be as well...but if you go alone all you have to do is worry and fend for yourself, even though weddings are about "family"...I wouldn't consider you apart of family yet, you're not married after all or been together for even a year.

[d0nnivain]

At this point under those conditions he's putting you in a make it or break it situation. As awkward as it is, if you don't go you will do more damage to the relationship then if you suck it up & be uncomfortable for 3 days. It's unfair of him to pressure you like this but you are there so . . . .

[readynow]

Hi again all,

 

My son is 10years and we've travelled plenty together on long haul trips ranging from 6 - 12 hours to Africa, Asia & America as well as short trips to France and Spain - Spain is only 2 - 3hours away so that's not a problem at all. I'm also from a massive family so he's used to meeting strangers all the time - bless him. He's also met and hangs out with my bf - I'll call him Kay, but is classed as a very good friend along the same categories as my other close girl friends that we also do stuff with. Kay's kids like my son too and they take a big sis / big bro role when we do stuff - just like bigger kids of my other friends. In summary about my son, he's fine, is used to being with me and my friends and their kids and no, he won't be suffering heart break along with me, heaven forbid i do. He has his dad so there isn't this great void Kay is filling.

 

About being at their mercy, not too worried about that - we could always up and leave to a nice hotel in town (or back home) for a nice time out if things got uncomfortable.

 

To be honest what I'm most scared of is myself. I know I tire quickly of large in-your-face gatherings and having to do so for 3 days is a lot for me. I will get very moody by day2. His mother is Spanish and yes, they're big on family. We've only been dating 7 months but it's a good and strong 7 months where I know he's pretty much ended his search and waiting for me to accept that he's not going anywhere - that's another thread though

 

I have a large mixed-race family too and poor guy had to endure barbeque with the whole lot last month when nan turned 80. Theyd been dying to meet him and I thought the time was right... he probably thinks the same but 3 whole days?

 

Anyway, knowing him, I know he'll probably rent us a chalet nearby where he can shuttle to and fro but I know he won't be too pleased with it.

 

How long into the relationship would you be happy to go for a gathering like this?

Edited August 10, 2014 by readynow
more info

[kjohn]

It sounds to me like he is really proud of you and looking forward to "showing you off" to his family. I think you are hurting his feelings by not wanting to go.

 

When my bf and I had only been dating 1 month, it was going to be my first Christmas alone since my divorce. My ex had our son and I have no local family since I had moved to a different state to be with my ex in the first place.

 

When bf found out I was going to spend Christmas alone he said he would not hear of it and insisted that I come to his family gathering. You can imagine how awkward I felt meeting the entire family for the very first time on Christmas Day when I had only been dating this guy 1 month! They were all very warm and welcoming and it all turned out just fine.

 

Don't worry so much. Go with the flow. If you get tired, excuse yourself for a little alone time back in your room. I'm sure your son will be fine, as long as you are fine. It sounds like you risk damaging to your relationship if you don't go.

[d0nnivain]

How long into the relationship would you be happy to go for a gathering like this?

 

I'd go now but I wouldn't stay with the whole family without being married but I'm pretty conservative.

[Shepp]

I'm gonna stick my hand up and be brutally honest -

 

if after 7 months a gf of mine wasn't keen on staying 3 days with all my family I'd be questioning stuff - I'm a big family guy and to me 7 months plenty long enough..

 

 

 

My brother went on a weeks holiday with his now wife with like 10 members of her family after 3 months of dating though so who knows... Maybe we're the strange ones! Haha

Edited August 10, 2014 by Shepp

[readynow]

Yeah, he is into family and he does think 7 months is plenty for them to meet me... He's a very understanding guy and he definitely would let me have alone time if I needed it.

 

I guess I'm just worried I'd have had enough after the first day and and I don't want to leave a bad impression if I were to turn grouchy.

 

Ugh! Why couldn't she just get married in London?!

[Ninjainpajamas]

To be honest what I'm most scared of is myself. I know I tire quickly of large in-your-face gatherings and having to do so for 3 days is a lot for me. I will get very moody by day2. His mother is Spanish and yes, they're big on family. We've only been dating 7 months but it's a good and strong 7 months where I know he's pretty much ended his search and waiting for me to accept that he's not going anywhere - that's another thread though

 

I have a large mixed-race family too and poor guy had to endure barbeque with the whole lot last month when nan turned 80. Theyd been dying to meet him and I thought the time was right... he probably thinks the same but 3 whole days?

 

Anyway, knowing him, I know he'll probably rent us a chalet nearby where he can shuttle to and fro but I know he won't be too pleased with it.

 

How long into the relationship would you be happy to go for a gathering like this?

 

It seemed like you were dancing around the real issue here, not really saying exactly what was on your mind that you were concerned about. Because the relationship seems on pace as to what you've been doing so far with this man, it seems like a relationship that's already been on the fast track and then suddenly you're now thinking of slamming on the breaks...it's going to strike him as odd, but maybe now you're realizing how deep you're getting into it with this guy or how fast things have progressed; which is telling me there's a history you're afraid of revisiting, and maybe you're not entirely emotionally ready or prepared with the next step now, that you've kind of caught up to it mentally to a degree or even emotionally what is happening, maybe there's not enough trust there established yet for you...went farther than you were really ready for.

 

I can only guess as to what is going on with you, but you've got to understand what the real source of this is coming from within yourself..this is important to be really open and transparent about your feelings...what are your real concerns and fears? just be straight up with yourself when you ask this, don't over-think it and just spit it out...is it really just about being grouchy? or do you have other less pleasant and patient side you're afraid of him seeing? how well do you think he knows you? does he know how you are when you're stressed, anxious or feeling overwhelmed? is there a feeling that you've been having that you've been trying to avoid and now this has kind of cracked the lid on something for you? because right now you seem to be very anxious and like you're trying to attempt to alleviate that stress by avoidance, instead of having a conversation and communicating your concerns, maybe you're scared he won't understand or accept it but you've got to really sit down and face your fears, and just have a very real conversation with him...don't avoid communication and just bottle it in, or you can easily start to cause waves and create a situation by not telling him because he can't read your mind, and you going there then doing the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing and causing a situation because you knew it was already too much for you to handle.

 

I think you don't feel ready for this and you don't want to go, but you know the circumstances and situation and feel like you're stuck going and now you're freaking out a little bit. You have to express this and be honest with yourself, you need to be able to get on the same page with things like this, because when you make it through situations like that through communication that's when you find out if you really have something that can endure, you need that kind of transparency to go the distance. Just because he's on the fast-track doesn't mean that you should be, this is not about you matching him on every level...this guy may operate on this level, or have a past he hasn't told you about, he may be reacting to this relationship out of a rebound or this feeling of creating a family unit and he's just blindly pushing forward being as patient with you as possible.

 

But anyway, I don't feel like you're going to choose the option to communicate at least not transparently. I think you're just going to go with being a little "strange" in your behavior, pretend that everything is going to be ok and try to suppress those feelings and anxieties and fears, hoping you can survive this without causing any waves so that you can continue with this relationship on still waters...but that's not what real relationships are about, you've got to let him know who the real you is and stay true to yourself and your own feelings.

 

 

Yeah, he is into family and he does think 7 months is plenty for them to meet me... He's a very understanding guy and he definitely would let me have alone time if I needed it.

 

I guess I'm just worried I'd have had enough after the first day and and I don't want to leave a bad impression if I were to turn grouchy.

 

Ugh! Why couldn't she just get married in London?!

 

You're going to be stressed out about this and expend a whole lot of time and energy suppressing these emotions, they are going to weigh on you; you're avoiding your fears and emotions, the only way you're going to resolve this is by getting it off your chest and being with him as yourself...this is what a relationship really is about, think about the foundation you're laying for it.

 

This could be one of those situations down the road where you bring up how you felt about this at a later time out of an argument, when he had no clue how you were feeling right now.

[d0nnivain]

Seven months is plenty of time for you to meet the family. Why do you have to stay with them, especially if this is the 1st meeting?

[acrosstheuniverse]

Seven months is plenty of time for you to meet the family. Why do you have to stay with them, especially if this is the 1st meeting?

 

Maybe it'd be a little weird if they're all going to stay away somewhere to be like 'sure I'll come, but I'm staying in a separate hotel'. I imagine most families would at least think that was weird, and possibly feel rejected.

 

OP, I'd go, but factor in some alone time too. Plan a couple hours here and there you and your son or you and your son and bf can escape together just for a breather. It sounds like your main worry is how you'll cope mentally with being around all of those new people for so long in such close quarters, which is natural. But I think your choices are either go, and stay with them, or don't go. Not to mention cost might be a factor in wanting to stay with the bf too.

 

First time I met the boyfriend's parents was about two months in, going to stay at their house in the middle of nowhere for three days. I absolutely loved it! Even if there are people you don't like or you're not having huge amounts of fun you can probably suck it up and at least act polite, interested, and friendly. Personally I felt so safe and secure and comfortable around my boyfriend I didn't really mind who he was taking me to meet.

 

I think he met my parents after about a month too. It's not a big deal in my side of things, I've introduced plenty of boyfriends, friends, even friends with benefits to my parents (they probably weren't aware of the 'with benefits' part but even if they were, who cares?). It's just a casual natural thing to bring somebody along once I'm sure I'm really into them. My boyfriend had only introduced one gf before me to his parents, a couple years ago, and on a one-off occasion despite being together a year and a half. I think in our case he was just so into me so quickly that he was dying to introduce me to his folks and vice versa. He has no siblings and I have no contact with any of mine so apart from his Uncle we only have each other's parents to deal with

[readynow]

It seemed like you were dancing around the real issue here, not really saying exactly what was on your mind that you were concerned about. Because the relationship seems on pace as to what you've been doing so far with this man, it seems like a relationship that's already been on the fast track and then suddenly you're now thinking of slamming on the breaks...it's going to strike him as odd, but maybe now you're realizing how deep you're getting into it with this guy or how fast things have progressed; which is telling me there's a history you're afraid of revisiting, and maybe you're not entirely emotionally ready or prepared with the next step now, that you've kind of caught up to it mentally to a degree or even emotionally what is happening, maybe there's not enough trust there established yet for you...went farther than you were really ready for.

I think you don't feel ready for this and you don't want to go, but you know the circumstances and situation and feel like you're stuck going and now you're freaking out a little...

This could be one of those situations down the road where you bring up how you felt about this at a later time out of an argument, when he had no clue how you were feeling right now.

 

@Ninjainpajamas- Good heavens! I don't know where you got all this . Thanks but none of what you've said is the issue at all. No problem with the speed and direction of the relationship - we're right where I'd love to be. No chance of exploding during an argument later, I already told him exactly how I feel - see the first line of my first post. We are very open about everything, and we disagree when we must.

 

@d0nnivain, I've met his nuclear family. It's the extended family I haven't met.

 

I just don't like to be in these big family gatherings where I'd have to stay with them all for 3 whole days. I could barely survive it with my own family but at least they know me well enough to know that I've I get grumpy, it's not personal, it's just me being me. For his family though, I haven't known them long enough to show them that side of me yet. My bf knows how I can get though. So not hiding anything from him either.

 

All is well with me and us - I just don't know if I can take them all!

Edited August 12, 2014 by readynow
more info

[readynow]

Just like I thought, he'll be renting a chalet for us (me n son). Now, I'm thinking I can stay with the family:lmao:

 

What's the worst that could happen!