longjourney Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Hello everyone, just checking in. I haven't been on in quite some time because I had a recent medical scare with all my medical conditions. It was touch and go at one point, and I have been resting and recovering ever since. It put my mind into a spin once again, lucky me. My WS was by my side immediately. He told me after the fact that he was scared I was going to die, and he realized what that meant. Did he really? I mean of course he is human, I am the mother and step mother to his kids. I know he was worried, but I just don't know because I have made that mistake before. The MOW has separated from her BH. Prior even though I knew my WH loved her, I always had the fact going for me that SHE had made the choice to stay away from my WH. Now, I never know, but that was not my main concern during my health scare. My son was my worry. But I did eventually think back to when I first was diagnosed with my medical condition. I was dating my WH and I saw how he took such good care of me, and I THOUGHT I knew. I knew he was "the one", but obviously I was wrong. He was always so nurturing, but that obviously did not mean that he loved me. So here I sit, realizing I am SO thankful to be alive, but still sitting with the question, what did this lesson/scare teach me? My WH is very relieved that I am "ok", but I am sure that will subside. I know in my heart he still thinks about the MOW. Do I even dare to think that this recent scare will magically change everything??? Thanks for listening.
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Well, I would think the MOW moving out would be a significant event. If your H loves her as much as you say, he's got one major obstacle out of the way. Meant gently, if anything I would just wonder if your health scare will keep your H with you out of guilt. Longjourney, I think the only way to release yourself from this torture (forever feeling like your H wants the OW more) is to genuinely and completely release him to be with her. Set him free. Let him make the choice free and clear of any guilt. If he makes the choice to be with you, accept that he is where he wants to be. 2
Author longjourney Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 Well, I would think the MOW moving out would be a significant event. If your H loves her as much as you say, he's got one major obstacle out of the way. Meant gently, if anything I would just wonder if your health scare will keep your H with you out of guilt. Exactly what I have known since DDay, and now it is only even more real of my reality.
whichwayisup Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Well, I would think the MOW moving out would be a significant event. If your H loves her as much as you say, he's got one major obstacle out of the way. Meant gently, if anything I would just wonder if your health scare will keep your H with you out of guilt. Exactly what I have known since DDay, and now it is only even more real of my reality. Gonna be blunt. Since you know he does love her, and she's left her husband (probably hoping your H will leave and go to her), you can either trust him to stay with you and work hard to fix himself and the marriage, or tell him to move out. Life is short and if you feel he's got one foot out the door or living a fantasy of feelings for this MOW, then do what you need to do. Staying in a marriage out of pity or just obligation when really he is mentally 'gone' already just seems more hurtful and painful for you. 1
BetrayedH Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Well, I would think the MOW moving out would be a significant event. If your H loves her as much as you say, he's got one major obstacle out of the way. Meant gently, if anything I would just wonder if your health scare will keep your H with you out of guilt. Exactly what I have known since DDay, and now it is only even more real of my reality. Ok, so what are you going to do about it?
Author longjourney Posted August 11, 2014 Author Posted August 11, 2014 I DID tell my WH to leave and be with her. I told him I DO NOT want a marriage like this where I am second guessing what will happen at the next moment every single minute. I know I am second choice to him. The way his face looks, the way his eyes light up when he was around OW or her name was/is brought up (even before and during and after their A, even though I didn't know at that point). Yet here he is, he refuses to leave, says he wants to work on our M, says he wants to have "our family". But to me, I don't feel like he should have to "work" on being with me. He has had MANY chances since DDay as you all know. I even had a second DDay when I found out about his second cell phone that he had hidden away, and the messages that I found where he told her that he just wanted to hear her voice even if he couldn't see her at that point. All of that is permanently etched in my brain and I can't imagine that ever going away. Maybe I am wrong. Has anyone on here TRULY reconciled? Even after instances such as what I have lived through??? I think he does feel guilty. I think he feels like a "bad guy" if he were to leave. I think he worries about not being with his son on a daily basis. I think he worries about me moving on eventually and another man being in his son's life. I have also told him that I WILL NOT allow the OW to be around my son if they wind up together (God knows that probably isn't even legally possible). My love for him has truly changed. I did think I forgave him fairly quickly after dday, but now I have realized that my life/love has/is changed forever. True forgiveness wasn't even on my radar at that point, I was barely making it thru my day. I spent so much time thinking about my son and what he needs and thinking what a D would do to my WH and my son that I have never truly put my feelings first. I have been a door matt in previous relationships, I was abused, mostly verbally. I thought my WH was my knight in shining armor...turns out he was just a guy in tin foil who stomped all over ANYTHING I ever thought we had. I just can't imagine any amount of time changing that.
Snowflower Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 (edited) Has anyone on here TRULY reconciled? Even after instances such as what I have lived through??? I think he does feel guilty. I think he feels like a "bad guy" if he were to leave. I think he worries about not being with his son on a daily basis. I think he worries about me moving on eventually and another man being in his son's life. I have also told him that I WILL NOT allow the OW to be around my son if they wind up together (God knows that probably isn't even legally possible). My love for him has truly changed. I did think I forgave him fairly quickly after dday, but now I have realized that my life/love has/is changed forever. True forgiveness wasn't even on my radar at that point, I was barely making it thru my day. I spent so much time thinking about my son and what he needs and thinking what a D would do to my WH and my son that I have never truly put my feelings first. I have been a door matt in previous relationships, I was abused, mostly verbally. I thought my WH was my knight in shining armor...turns out he was just a guy in tin foil who stomped all over ANYTHING I ever thought we had. I just can't imagine any amount of time changing that. Longjourney, I'm going to try to say this gently but to be honest, I'm a little upset with you. You have just gone through what you describe as a life-threatening episode (you said touch and go in your OP-your words). Why are you still wondering what he wants and is thinking or feeling? You were just handed a big dose of reality that your life-like all our lives-are short and things are transient. Nothing is forever. If anything, what happened to you health-wise should be the final big wake-up call that you need. He loves someone else and you know it and have admitted to it. Why are you wasting any more of your time worrying about this man? Yes, you love him and probably always will but you are wasting time, girl. It's okay to still love him-from afar, as the father of your child/ren. You ask if anyone has reconciled after a similar situation. Mine was somewhat similar. I begged for my husband to stay with me (after his affair). I was pathetic. I cringe to think of it now but yes, I cried and begged. He did stay with me even though he had one foot out the door at least mentally. A couple of years later, I was diagnosed with a life-threatening illness. It made me wake up and realize what was important-and that was spending no more time worrying about what my H wanted or what he was going to do! I realized I was more important-as I should have been all the way along-once I knew he had cheated on me. I mean, HELLO, my time here on earth might have been limited, it might still be, but I wasn't wasting any more time on his bull-hookey. You shouldn't be wasting time either, Longjourney. What will it take for you to realize this? Edited August 11, 2014 by Snowflower 2
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