Coping With Anxiety from Lonliness/Being Single?

[artsygirl78]

Anyone else here struggling with anxiety post BU over being single and lonely again? I am realizing now that a LOT of my suffering, stress (sleepless nights, depression, anxiety) is not even about my ex anymore. That the part of me that wants to run back to him is not about even missing him specifically, but the panic running through my veins that I am single again. I thought I had finally found someone to spend the rest of my life with and now I am back at square one, and even though I HATE to admit it, being 40 and single is feeling like a "relationship-clock" that is ticking and running out of time. It also does not help that because I am a freelancer, I spend most of my waking hours alone. All of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and live really far away. I am tired of coming home to two cats and no husband. I am still grieving my ex and comparing other men to him, but I am also petrified of not being able to meet someone else who I can make a life with, so I feel like pushing myself into dating.

 

I thought I was a stronger, more confident person than that, but my sleepless nights, obsession about how I am ever going meet someone else, fear that I will never find a man to fall in love with again or ever be that deeply attracted to someone who wants to be with me - it is all sending me over the edge and I just don't know how to handle it. How are all of you coping with your feelings of loneliness? Is anyone else feeling the same fears about being newly single? How are you handling your fears/coping throughout the days?

[d0nnivain]

I figured out something I wanted to do & took up a new hobby.

[Reels]

Just do what you have to do for yourself.

 

40.. You may still hope for something better.

[scobro]

I have anxiety and miss my ex but know she and I would never work out.I am 43 and maybe because Im male I don't look at being with someone as the final destination to happiness.So many females are worried they won't meet anyone thats why most online dating sites are advertised to women because they feel relationships define them as being wanted as opposed to being single as nobody wants you.

I see so many relationships fail and 50% of all marriages end in divorce so what is the attraction to being with someone so bad? I get the loneliness factor but the more you focus on yourself and don't have the final "goal" as dating or relationship the more likely you will meet someone.Sure if you spend all your time going on dates and being on a dating site you will meet someone but for now I would just heal from the breakup and do some personal development.

My ex is the opposite she cannot be alone she needs to have a man in her life to feel justified in some way.She cheated on me before and I took her back then 2 years later cheated again plus caught her profile on POF dating site and her phone had texts from guys and she rented a room to her ex boyfriend in her house the week her daughter left for school and would not let me over anymore so how crazy is that and this woman is 50.People just handle relationships differently and look at getting laid and being with someone as some sort of finality when really being happy with yourself is the destination.

[scobro]

Fear you will never find another man is just F.E.A.R (FALSE EVIDENCE APPEARING REAL).iTS Just fantasy thoughts in your mind that don't exist and you feel this way because you just got out of a relationship.Lots of people meet in their 40s and 50s so don't worry or panic.

[FortunateSon]

I am in this position. I feel I am over my ex, but struggle with the fact I haven't found someone else yet and sometimes have the underlying fear that time is running out to find what I want. I have dated a lot but have not found anything that has "clicked" in the right way as of yet...

[hedyo]

I have been suffering from early morning waking, heart palpitations and shortness of breath since my break-up. As you say, OP, I think it is more a general anxiety of suddenly being alone than specifically about missing the ex. I have been using exercise short term to deal with palpitations/breathlessness, and have also used sleeping tablets a few nights. However, I think this sort of anxiety goes beyond a normal reaction to a break-up, and points to underlying issues (fear of abandonment etc). Therefore, I plan to start seeing a therapist soon to deal with these problems. Hopefully this will also help me to choose healthier relationships in the future!

[dumbass2]

I am in this position. I feel I am over my ex, but struggle with the fact I haven't found someone else yet and sometimes have the underlying fear that time is running out to find what I want. I have dated a lot but have not found anything that has "clicked" in the right way as of yet...

 

I feel the same way in my 40's and It hurts to see that maybe my ex finally has found someone, but I know from being with her, that it is not going to be easy for any man to be with her long term. She needs to have her fun right now after 2 long relationships. We weren't on the same page. We clicked so much right off the bat and I guess I'm hoping for that again, but no luck so far. Wonder if I have the capability of doing that with anyone right now.

[True Gent]

I am in this position. I feel I am over my ex, but struggle with the fact I haven't found someone else yet and sometimes have the underlying fear that time is running out to find what I want. I have dated a lot but have not found anything that has "clicked" in the right way as of yet...

 

Me too, this pretty much sums up my feelings at the moment.

 

It's strange because I actually don't mind being on my own, but I don't want to be on my own if that makes any sence.

[FortunateSon]

It's strange because I actually don't mind being on my own, but I don't want to be on my own if that makes any sence.

This makes perfect sense to me.

[Cupid's Puppet]

I started feeling like this a few days ago. It's weird because I never feared my mortality as much as I have now. I am facing the realization that this truly is a man's world, and most men are looking for young, hot babes. I also realized how rare the love my ex has for me was. I have a trillion flaws, and he overlooked every last one of them until I burned down the work we built for a fantasy. Now I live with regret and guilt and this damn biological clock.

 

But getting out there and dating is such an exhausting thought for me. I am a true romantic, and I used to make so many gifts and sing songs to my ex. I am just too tired and stressed out to put that time and energy into new potential mates. Yet, I feel like time is ticking. Being single sucks for me. I enjoyed having someone tell me I love you or I miss you or I can't wait to see you. I miss holding hands with someone, kissing him a thousand times till our lips got chapped, not caring if I looked a total mess because we were well past the stage where I had to be "made up" every time I was around him. Sigh.

 

It is okay for us to feel like this. I do need to take this time to work on myself, but I do not want to be by myself forever. I've always wanted a life partner and children, but there are days where I feel like I blew it because who else is going to accept me. The fact that I have such low self esteem points to the fact that I need to be alone right now; it's just so scary to think that I may always be alone.

[Sunberry]

Anyone else here struggling with anxiety post BU over being single and lonely again? I am realizing now that a LOT of my suffering, stress (sleepless nights, depression, anxiety) is not even about my ex anymore. That the part of me that wants to run back to him is not about even missing him specifically, but the panic running through my veins that I am single again. I thought I had finally found someone to spend the rest of my life with and now I am back at square one, and even though I HATE to admit it, being 40 and single is feeling like a "relationship-clock" that is ticking and running out of time. It also does not help that because I am a freelancer, I spend most of my waking hours alone. All of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and live really far away. I am tired of coming home to two cats and no husband. I am still grieving my ex and comparing other men to him, but I am also petrified of not being able to meet someone else who I can make a life with, so I feel like pushing myself into dating.

 

I thought I was a stronger, more confident person than that, but my sleepless nights, obsession about how I am ever going meet someone else, fear that I will never find a man to fall in love with again or ever be that deeply attracted to someone who wants to be with me - it is all sending me over the edge and I just don't know how to handle it. How are all of you coping with your feelings of loneliness? Is anyone else feeling the same fears about being newly single? How are you handling your fears/coping throughout the days?

 

My friend, this is called filling a void. You can't accept the fact you're single because you feel like that certain piece of you is missing from your life, so you're coping, in what I consider, the most natural way possible when you lose something that made you hole.

 

I'm not newly single but I coped with my feelings in an underlying way--I went somewhere else. Far far way from where I considered home. Came back only to find my feelings were still the same. I'm just now dealing with them and it's been a year since I've last contacted the ******* and two years since the BU. Now I work out constantly and a whole bunch of other things and making plans like there is no tomorrow. I want to really change.

 

I don't think your age going to bid your chances of a good person farewell. My father is almost 50 and is about to propose to his girlfriend. Mom re-married around her 40s, another relative almost in her 50s. Don't fish yourself out of the pool..

 

You shouldn't compare yourself to others, because you are unique. You are different. What would life be like if everyone had the same thing? It wouldn't be special. Comparing your past guy with a new one is like comparing your old tore up jeans with the new ones, you love, which you know you're going to like which to you will never get old (This may be a bad analogy..I'm never good at them)

 

What you're going through, is what I've been through. I suggest you take your time when feelings these emotions as they are VERY normal so if you feel alone try your best not to.

[Missy0724]

Just know you are NOT alone! I feel the same sometimes. Almost two months post BU for me. I'm in my 40's. I was married for 20 years, and have been in two serious relationships after divorce, including this most recent one.

 

Funny thing is, I'm a loner in many ways, enjoy my alone time, time with GFs, staying active, etc. I just enjoy being in a relationship, adding that to my life. But I also have abandonment issues. Last BF broke up with me. He has his issues, too. We all do. I guess the key is finding that person with whom you accept their issues, can work thru them together, as a team. That's where the being best friends comes into play. Because all the romance, flowers, gifts, honeymoon phase will fade away. And that's normal... If you, or other person runs when things get tough, issues surface, you're with wrong person.

 

So better to be alone, let your heart mend. I felt SO anxious, heart pounding, sleep issues, too. I'm just keeping BUSY. That is key. And venting to friends, on this site, exercising, meditating, deep breaths. And reminding myself, it's ok to feel this pain. Just feel thru it, completely. Don't hide it. Mourn the loss. It sucks. I know. But if someone doesn't want you, there's nothing you can do. Except work on yourself and your issues. I'm also going to find a therapist soon. But I also accept I DO have issues! And I'm not alone! And so do men! Just have to wait until that right person crosses our path.

 

I have friends in 50, 60's who find that right person. I'm keeping that faith, too. And being honest. Maybe I do need time to work thru my issues, become stronger, be happier in my life now without a man, make myself happy, figure that out...then choose better, more compatible men, who when I'm ready, will also be ready. If timing off - it won't work.

 

I hope you feel better. If you still feel a lot of anxiety, try new exercising regimes, yoga supposed to be great. Zumba? Even just forcing yourself out for good, brisk walk every day helps. That's what I do. And I also went to my doctor. I just felt I was falling apart, too many losses and stressors for me right now. I am on some medication to help with the depression and anxiety. I do not like to do that! But I had to. And hopefully it's just short term. And it's ok. We all need some help at those times in our lives. And we need our sleep! We need to function! And stress so unhealthy!

 

So know you are NOT alone! Hugs! Just take baby steps, one day at a time. And be gentle on yourself. Try to also change your thinking. To more positive. It's so hard, I know! When I wake up in morning, I take 10 deep breaths in and out. And then think of 5 things I'm grateful for. 5 good things in my life, or with life in general. It does help! And keep telling myself, this to shall pass. We all just need time...

[thekid36]

Anyone else here struggling with anxiety post BU over being single and lonely again? I am realizing now that a LOT of my suffering, stress (sleepless nights, depression, anxiety) is not even about my ex anymore. That the part of me that wants to run back to him is not about even missing him specifically, but the panic running through my veins that I am single again. I thought I had finally found someone to spend the rest of my life with and now I am back at square one, and even though I HATE to admit it, being 40 and single is feeling like a "relationship-clock" that is ticking and running out of time. It also does not help that because I am a freelancer, I spend most of my waking hours alone. All of my friends are married or in serious relationships, and live really far away. I am tired of coming home to two cats and no husband. I am still grieving my ex and comparing other men to him, but I am also petrified of not being able to meet someone else who I can make a life with, so I feel like pushing myself into dating.

 

I thought I was a stronger, more confident person than that, but my sleepless nights, obsession about how I am ever going meet someone else, fear that I will never find a man to fall in love with again or ever be that deeply attracted to someone who wants to be with me - it is all sending me over the edge and I just don't know how to handle it. How are all of you coping with your feelings of loneliness? Is anyone else feeling the same fears about being newly single? How are you handling your fears/coping throughout the days?

 

Hi! I think that I responded to one of your threads awhile back. "Relationship-clock" is a perfect way to describe it! This is exactly how I felt after my last failed relationship. It is perhaps as if you look at yourself and wonder how it is that you are still alone. Going against all that you were originally planning. Thinking that you would have someone special at this point. Wanting to not be alone ever again. Fearing that time is running out.

 

 

Perhaps, time is just about to renew for you. In a better way than ever before. It is sometimes that the most important things happen when we least expect. Your desire to not be alone suggests the eagerness to get back into dating. This makes complete sense to me.

 

 

It is great that you are open to meeting someone. The key is that it should not be forced. The biggest lesson I learned about relationships is that you have to realize there truly are no rules to follow. No one right way or time to meet that person. What we may want the most cannot be forced. It all has to come naturally and as it is meant to.

 

 

You seem to be a passionate and proactive person. One who is not afraid to go out and get things. Both which are wonderful qualities! Though with looking for relationships, there needs to be just a little bit of that holding back. So as to make meeting someone much more natural and letting it happen as meant to be.

 

 

Wanting to find happiness with someone does not by itself make you weak! It seriously sucks to be alone. I have spent many days being that way. Still, the first thing is that it is better to be alone as opposed to lonely with someone else. Your ex was not right for you. Being without him will continue to be a positive.

 

 

I tried to focus on other interests and passions while not in a relationship. Forced myself to not rush into dating again. Even despite my intense desire to not be alone. Being reactive instead of proactive went against all I am really about. Then, I ended up meeting someone very unexpectedly. When I was not even looking! Now, we are completely happy and I could honestly not be any luckier!

 

 

There needs to be some sort of faith that the right one is still out there for you. Even on those nights you feel most alone. There are going to be more rocky roads. Though you can try to fight like tooth and nail to avoid each one. Having to wait will only make you appreciate the right person even more! In the meantime, realize you do not necessarily need a man to justify all of your self-worth. Nor, do you necessarily need someone to make you happy. Find even more happiness within things outside of a relationship.

[writergal]

artsy, you're definitely not alone. Many us of singledoms can relate to your situation, especially to that feeling of the "relationship clock" you mentioned and the loneliness that comes with being single. You think I like coming home to a cat instead of husband? Eh, no. But I do the best I can, with my life, and that's all I can do. If I find a husband great. If not, at least I'm happy with my life as it is. You know?

 

And loneliness is temporary. Sarte said, "if you're lonely when you're alone, then you're in bad company." So use this time to spend it with friends, colleagues, or family; spend your time with people who make you happy. Do things that you enjoy, that fill up your days, that make you feel whole.

 

You said that as a freelancer you said you spend a lot of time alone. Maybe change up your schedule so you don't have to be alone so much right now. Do some networking with other freelancers. Or figure out a way to fill your schedule up with fun things to do.

 

Throw in some exercise, whatever that means to you: could be walking, yoga, running? You'll sleep better if you start exercising and your anxiety will disappear too.

 

And my gosh you're only 40. Your still young! You have plenty of time yet to find "the one." It's only been two months since your breakup, so you're still in the acute pain phase (having insomnia and anxiety). Eventually that pain and the side effects you're feeling will pass, but it takes time, you know?

 

Love doesn't hurt; loving the wrong person does. You will get through this breakup. You will.

[love1336x]

You look in the mirror every single day and say five beautiful postivie stuff about yourself.

Taking a five min walk.

Taking a shower

To shake off the anxiety.

It can really bloody hell suck, but when you feel that way. Actively doing something helps a lot.

You simply bear it.

Seriously being single isn't the worse thing in the world.

[travelbug1996]

Is it now a curse to be single??

 

People are so consumed with being attached to other in relationships that if they don't have it, their life is doomed.

 

I'm 44, single and finally okay with trying to be my own best friend or desperately longing to be in a relationship.

 

Another person will not make me happy. I need to be content and embrace wherever I am in my life. Singledom or coupledom, neither is the problem or the answer.

 

Embrace your life. Find things that bring you true happiness that don't involve another person.

[JBlackstone]

I definitely have moments of this right now. But like PP's have said, do things that are going to enhance your life, single or not. Do all the things that you want to do with a man on your own, don't "save" these activites for when you are in a relationship. Act as if you already are in one, and you are, with yourself.

 

According to the Law of Attraction you will attract your likeness. If you focus on what is missing in your life, you will only attract more of that. If you focus on the things that bring you happiness then you will attract more happiness. If you want to feel more romance in your life, do things that make you feel romance. It could even be listening to a beautiful song or watching a romantic movie. it doesn't have to be depressing to do this while you are single. If you are in tune with the feeling of romance, the universe will deliver more of this to you. It takes some practicing but it really is true and it works. Stay positive. There are a lot of people in the same boat as you, you are not alone!!