headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I just ended a relationship with a man I was with for about 1 year total (we had a break and got back together over last year and a half). When we met, we were attracted to each other. He love bombed me at the beginning. We had great chemistry and passion. I fell head over heals for him in a matter of about a month. We talked of a future (moving in). I met his friends and family. Then at about month 3, I noticed he began to pull back. Wasn't as warm. Not his usual loving self. Not texting as much. No talk of a future and making vacation plans without me. I of course, panicked, because I was in love and invested. He pulled further away and we broke up. After the break, we get back together. Same thing happens. He shows me tonnes of attention at the start then about month 2, he pulls back. Is disrespectful of me and our relationship. Starts and keeps friendships with new women, some married. I don't feel loved, valued or cared for. I begin to realize he just doesn't love me as much as I love him. We end up breaking up again, but for good, after 4 months. He did tell me once that it takes a long time for him to love. He also said he almost believes its better to be with someone you like a lot, instead of someone you love because of the heart ache. He also told me the first time we got together, he did have his walls up and was afraid of getting hurt. So, I wonder....should I have stuck it out with him because someday he would of found me worthy, reciprocated my love, loved me and treated me with care and respect? Or was I right to bail on that relationship? And when do you bail and when do you stick it out and give it a chance?
No Limit Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 No, it never is. Developes into co-dependancy, at best. At worst, you'd someday have to go into marriage counseling to reconcile and warm up feelings that never existed in the first place.
Smilecharmer Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 He is a commitmentphode. I wish I had better news but he likes the chase and the ego trip of getting you to love him but after that he loses interest. Unless he figures this out on his own or finds a woman who won't be toyed with, he will do this in every relationship. Time to bail and find someone that isn't broken. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Oh, hells no: you shouldn't stick around and wait for someone to reciprocate your feelings. Generally, that's a waste of time and you'd have been selling yourself incredibly short for soemone who doesn't feel the same way. You were more than right to end the relationship. He was already checked out, anyway. To use a cliche, he's also emotionally unavailable. He doesn't want love. He wants "like", but that's it. And that's what he gave you. It isn't enough to sustain a relationship. And I have never bailed and then "stuck it out"; to be honest, I'm not sure what you mean by that. If I'd have stuck it out, there wouldn't have been a break-up in the first place. And I would not give it a second chance unless and until the problems we'd had were properly addressed and resolved. Why did you get back together with him after breaking up the first time? 1
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 No, it never is. Developes into co-dependancy, at best. At worst, you'd someday have to go into marriage counseling to reconcile and warm up feelings that never existed in the first place. Thank you. Yes, the first time we were together, I totally became codependant. Needy, clingy. Just awful. Yah, it seems it would be impossible to warm up feelings that weren't there. The worst part is he misled me, wasn't open and honest about his changing position in the relationship. Made me believe we were on the same page -- committed exclusive, future together, in love. when in fact he wasn't and I had to figure it out through his shady behaviour and actions. Brutal.
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 He is a commitmentphode. I wish I had better news but he likes the chase and the ego trip of getting you to love him but after that he loses interest. Unless he figures this out on his own or finds a woman who won't be toyed with, he will do this in every relationship. Time to bail and find someone that isn't broken. Thank you. Yes, exactly, he is broken. I feel so much better and happier without him. 1
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 Oh, hells no: you shouldn't stick around and wait for someone to reciprocate your feelings. Generally, that's a waste of time and you'd have been selling yourself incredibly short for soemone who doesn't feel the same way. You were more than right to end the relationship. He was already checked out, anyway. To use a cliche, he's also emotionally unavailable. He doesn't want love. He wants "like", but that's it. And that's what he gave you. It isn't enough to sustain a relationship. And I have never bailed and then "stuck it out"; to be honest, I'm not sure what you mean by that. If I'd have stuck it out, there wouldn't have been a break-up in the first place. And I would not give it a second chance unless and until the problems we'd had were properly addressed and resolved. Why did you get back together with him after breaking up the first time? Thanks! I got back together because after the first time, he made me believe it was all my fault -- I was needy, clingy. So I thought I was codependant. And was devastated I lost him because of my failings. So I got a therapist and decided to work on these "issues" so I wouldn't go through this heartache again and instead have a healthy relationship. After several months, he saw I was a different, happier, stronger person. And we started talking again. I thought this was MY second chance with him and I'd do it right. LMAO. So we get back together. Little did I know, I wasn't entirely the problem. I now know he has issues. And he never loved me and couldn't be honest about it. Which of course, would make ANYONE who's more invested start displaying needy behaviour. Brutal.
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 I recently read an article claiming that its better to marry someone who loves you more. It makes you feel more secure, safe, comfortable. And you fall in love with them eventually. idk. Isn't it possible to be in a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship where we both fell in love equally, love grew equally and loved equally as deeply?
Smilecharmer Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I recently read an article claiming that its better to marry someone who loves you more. It makes you feel more secure, safe, comfortable. And you fall in love with them eventually. idk. Isn't it possible to be in a healthy, mutually fulfilling relationship where we both fell in love equally, love grew equally and loved equally as deeply? Yes, my husband is as besotted as I am. We are goofy in love. Love is about finding someone who becomes the best version of themselves when you are around and inspiring you to do the same. 2
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 That's all I wanted with this guy. I knew in my gut it wasn't. So disappointing. He is a selfish coward. I know better now. 1
tomtheman1234 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I have been here in love with someone who I love more than they loved me. It's hard to except but best thing is to move on.
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 So, I wonder....should I have stuck it out with him because someday he would of found me worthy, reciprocated my love, loved me and treated me with care and respect? Or was I right to bail on that relationship? And when do you bail and when do you stick it out and give it a chance? No relationship is truly 50/50. Some are 60/40. Some are 75/25. Some are 90/10. Each person in a relationship either assumes a giver or taker role. That's just a fact. The question is whether you're okay with giving 60% and only receiving 40%. Another question is whether he knows you feel like you're giving more than you're receiving... it could be that he feels he's the one giving the majority and you're taking it, so communication is key. What, specifically, could he be doing to make it feel like you're both equals? 2
preraph Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 No. What happened is you were with him long enough to get past his first-of-relationship good behavior and become himself. And then he made excuses for that so he could just keep doing it. Sorry it didn't work out. P.S. You don't love him more. You love who you'd hoped he would be more. You don't love the real him that much. 1
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) No relationship is truly 50/50. Some are 60/40. Some are 75/25. Some are 90/10. Each person in a relationship either assumes a giver or taker role. That's just a fact. The question is whether you're okay with giving 60% and only receiving 40%. Another question is whether he knows you feel like you're giving more than you're receiving... it could be that he feels he's the one giving the majority and you're taking it, so communication is key. What, specifically, could he be doing to make it feel like you're both equals? No, no, he knew full well I loved him more. He made comments about it. Just before we broke up the first time, he said he can't love me as much as I want. And the second time we were together he didn't tell me he loved me. Only said in reply when I said it, but not sincerely. Such bs. Thus time round we made plans to live together in spring then a few weeks later, after we talk about some of my needs in our relationship (common courtesy -- confirming plans at least day of) he pulls back and instead of telling me he's rethinking things, just talks about living on his own. Edited August 9, 2014 by headheldhigh14
Author headheldhigh14 Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) I should mention the day before we broke up he told me he was falling for me more n more each day. He sure had a funny way of showing it cause leading up to that he was distant, passive aggressive. And we broke up because I found out his relationship with a female friend crossed an emotional boundary and they shared inside jokes about me. The lack of respect and care pushed me to end it. But if we didn't break up, I wonder if what he said was true and he was in fact falling for me. If I stuck it out, would he eventually been in love. Edited August 9, 2014 by headheldhigh14
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