Slidingdoors Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 I love my AP. I don't know how he feels. I know he feels an intense connection, but that's all. I'm afraid to ask how he feels and afraid to tell him how I feel. We were talking and seeing each other every day. Then, as soon as it got physical, he said he needed a break. No email, no seeing each other, nothing. Not two hours later he emailed to say he wanted me again, then nothing for 2 days until a random email and call about nothing. I don't understand. This separation is so painful. Just as things got really intense he pulled away. I know I have no right to anything but it hurts and I don't understand. It would be easier if he just broke it off entirely but this back and forth is killing me. Why would he do this? Did it get too intense? Responses from WS only please, no flames. Looking to understand...if you've done this, why? If you've experienced this, what happened?
TiredFamilyGuy Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 You are in the wrong forum. While you are here, I will point out that your mail is a good example of 'in the fog.' Men who pursue married women, often move on once they have got into their pants. He'll likely call you when he gets horny, so long as you are not too needy. The language of 'intense connection' romanticises what is just cheating. The intense connection was with your pants. At the margins other explanations are possible, like perhaps he decided it was a big mistake but hopes you will figure that out yourself and he won't have to make a scene. I am trying, perhaps crassly, to point out you are in the fog, and inclined to wishful thinking about this 'intense connection' that exists perhaps only in your head. 5
No Limit Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Why not leave your current relationship and find out? 1
Mr. Lucky Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 It would be easier if he just broke it off entirely but this back and forth is killing me. Don't you have a say in this also? If it's that painful, I'd assume you'd want to pursue other relationships... Mr. Lucky 1
Leaving Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 (edited) I love my AP. I don't know how he feels. I know he feels an intense connection, but that's all. I'm afraid to ask how he feels and afraid to tell him how I feel. We were talking and seeing each other every day. Then, as soon as it got physical, he said he needed a break. No email, no seeing each other, nothing. Not two hours later he emailed to say he wanted me again, then nothing for 2 days until a random email and call about nothing. I don't understand. This separation is so painful. Just as things got really intense he pulled away. I know I have no right to anything but it hurts and I don't understand. It would be easier if he just broke it off entirely but this back and forth is killing me. Why would he do this? Did it get too intense? Responses from WS only please, no flames. Looking to understand...if you've done this, why? If you've experienced this, what happened? He's using you to get what he wants from you and that's the reason he went cold after it became physical because his goal was accomplished and if you let him he' going to keep using you Edited August 9, 2014 by Leaving 2
fellini Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 The language of 'intense connection' romanticises what is just cheating. The intense connection was with your pants. Not exactly. Getting into her pants is just another form of feeding the chemical production that the entire affair is giving him. Obviously the OP can just jack himself off in the bathroom, hell, even with a photo of OP in front of him if all he wants is to feel good the way you describe it. It's not just about the sex he is getting, it is about the dopamine production, linked to desire, addiction, euphoria that comes with the WHOLE AFFAIR. So the intense connection is very real, but again, it's just chemical. He is feeling great feeling you, but he is not sending you those messages, you OP are producing the same chemical and the two of you are giddy thinking that there is a chemistry between you when in fact it is nothing more than your own brain chemistry. This is the affair fog alluded to by others. The longer you keep producing it, the more addicted to it you become. It seems your need for a dopamine fix is much stronger than his. He can go days without it, you however, seem to need it daily soon, hourly.... Enjoy the high while it lasts, because your whole world is about to come crashing down around you and there will be no survivors.
Realist3 Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 You are in the wrong forum. No she is not in the wrong forum. Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here. Responses from WS only please. I love my AP. I don't know how he feels. I know he feels an intense connection, but that's all. I'm afraid to ask how he feels and afraid to tell him how I feel. We were talking and seeing each other every day. Then, as soon as it got physical, he said he needed a break. No email, no seeing each other, nothing. Not two hours later he emailed to say he wanted me again, then nothing for 2 days until a random email and call about nothing. I don't understand. This separation is so painful. Just as things got really intense he pulled away. I know I have no right to anything but it hurts and I don't understand. It would be easier if he just broke it off entirely but this back and forth is killing me. Why would he do this? Did it get too intense? Responses from WS only please, no flames. Looking to understand...if you've done this, why? If you've experienced this, what happened? Read up on push/pull relationships. That sounds like what you are involved with. People deal with affairs in different ways. For many it is hard to reconcile.
herself Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 He may have experienced alot of guilt and inner conflict after sex. Why read into, and spend so much time on him. An AP is not a real partner, they are a part time, goid time, supplement to your real life and its your real life you should give all your good strong mental energy too. People in affairs start basing everything on that partner thinking of them day and night constantly analyzing their every thought and action. It really isnt that complicated. Its sex. Plain and simple. Not speaking of the moral aspect thats for each individual to decide....but you've already added a person to your life...why let that be drama. When he backs off...let him...he wants to leave...let him. It only allows your life and mental space to be less occupied when an AP pulls this and suddenly wants out or goes cold...then GREAT now you can get back to YOU and your real life partner and seek peace and simplicity. 1
gettingstronger Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 He is making sure you know your place- Are you OK with it- if yes, then continue; if no- then leave
Davey L Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 A lot of comments that he's just using you when he needs you. However I would suggest it might not be that simple. Most of us aren't easily categorised simply as saint or sinner, and in reality we are all a mix of both. Having been in an affair myself, I suggest that he may be feeling somewhat mixed up and conflicted, torn between desire for you and guilt over his marriage, seeking you out then pushing you away as one or other emotion comes to the surface. However, whatever the motivation for the behaviour, it clearly is not making for a happy relationship for you.
HereNorThere Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Look, you caught feelings and APs aren't supposed to do that. At this point, you're a loose cannon to him, so he has to keep you close enough that you don't spill the beans, but far enough that you don't fall for him and wreck his life. If we are going to get all existential about relationships, nothing really exists outside of our own brain chemistry anyway. Using different sensory inputs, we create and simultaneously live on our own reality. Attraction and all the various factors that come along with it aren't a choice, but complex moral processing is. You have decided to be immoral for whatever reason and the hope is that eventually your empathetic drive will overpower your narcissistic drive. Hopefully that will happen before it's too late, but you also know there is a good chance that you'll be fine. Lot's of posters here have accepted cheating spouses without much repercussions, so you do have a chance at coming out scotch-free..
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