Ruined a potential relationship and good friendship (long! 2600 words, 14 paragraphs)

[worldwanderer]

Hello everyone! I am currently in a situation what is probably not so uncommon but I just don't know where to post it so I think this sub forum is my best guess. Forgive me if it's too long of a story, but I am doing my bet to keep this as short as possible. Also sorry for the bad English since it is not my native language.

 

3 Months ago I met a girl which I grew to like over time. We became really good friends in that time too. She had a long distance relationship with a guy she never met in real life. She was supposed to meet within a few months, but just a little over a week ago he dumped her, basically saying he was just fooling around with her and he never really liked her after all. It did not take her long to get over it I (few days), but coincidentally we were seeing each other that day for a dinner we had planned weeks before. We were meeting in my town, so I showed her my house, and because we have the same interests, watching certain tv series, we were watching some and we had a lot of fun so we forgot about the time. It was too late for her to go home so I offered her to sleep on my sofa. Of course we continued watching tv series. After a while, long story short, the moment came where we looked each other in the eyes and things happened, if you know what I mean. After sharing the bed that night, on the next day I brought her to her transportation. While I was still careful and such, she didn't mind me holding her hand and then her shoulder. She didn't even mind me kissing her. Before she left with her transportation she even told me she thinks that she also likes me. So far all the good things that happened.

 

Before I continue the story I should tell a little about my history. I have emigrated to the country I live from another continent when I was younger. I am now in my 30's and after lots of dating and a few relationships (including long time ones) I have "given up" and decided I didn't want to find "the true one" in this country, mainly because of cultural differences. Since 2 years ago I decided to start my own business and it's running quiet well. My kind of planned out my future 2 years ago. Work hard, no relations because of that reason and make a lot of money so I can go to my home continent more often and eventually find love there. This has completely changed with this girl. She has gone trough about the same stuff as me, also is from that same other continent, and our vision of the country we live in is like exactly the same. I was so happy that I found someone like her at that time. Little did I know what it was doing to me. I'll get back on this later on, because I need to continue with the story now you know this of me.

 

So the first half of the week after she left after "that night" was pretty good. We talked a lot to each other, and we even were going to meet each other 3 times that week. That is where the everything went downwards. She cancelled the first meeting because she forgot that she already was going to the movies with her good friends. Later I heard that the second was cancelled because she forgot about a birthday she had to attend. The day after the third one was also cancelled because there was another birthday she put on the wrong day in her schedule. Before you mention it, yes those were really birthdays of good friends of her who I also know and she really had to attend those. After the third birthday she also had to leave for 2 weeks to watch over her siblings because her dad was going on holiday.

 

After the first and second cancellation everything went downward. I was so in love with her, and it grew even stronger when the second meeting was cancelled. I think it was a combination of my situation, the plans I made for the future and the sudden appearance of a girl that is my type, which I never expected to meet anymore in this country I live in. I started to bug her on social media a lot more and more often. I was trying to "save" the meetings that were cancelled. Trying to convince her to come to me instead of those birthdays. I'm sure she also noticed the change in the way I talked, but she never mentioned it. I was trying to bug her on social media the whole day and I noticed that she wont reply for most of the time, so it even got me more fustrated. It was so frustrated that I started to call her everyday. When she picked up we mostly talked about random things, and when she didn't pick up I just left it untill she messaged me and I would call her again. Of course when she didn't pick up it drove me more crazy.

 

About the end of the week she told me she wanted to come to me after all, but then she got sick. I kind of realised what I was doing (*not*), and wanted to say sorry to her about me forcing her. Instead of saying sorry to her I was saying her that all her friends should f**k off and leave her alone. Those friends are really good and loyal friends to her. I think it was probably because of my built up frustration I and love I felt for her. I was so mad that because she got sick of all those birthdays and couldn't come to me and it drove me so crazy. Especially when she couldn't come anymore because she also had to leave for those 2 weeks she had to babysit her siblings. My heart and feelings couldn't take it anymore about the fact that she would be gone for at least half a month from that day.

 

Getting back about myself, I am actually someone who has a very confident and I really know what I do. I have to, because I am self employed and have to keep being sharp and steps ahead of anything to be succesful. I have gone trough a lot of things live, gained a lot of experience form that. Relationships are nothing new for me and I certainly know how to handle them. But this. This was so unexpected. Like I told before, I had planned my future and was in the middle of achieving it. That is why probably why I couldn't handle it after everything that happened. The love I felt for her was really something I never felt before. I seriously never knew that someone can get so much in love with someone. I have felt more emotions in that week than I have ever felt in my whole life. Normally I am the one who laughs at my friends when they are so in love with someone and they cannot get over it. Normally it is me who says, "dude, stop it and get over it". But now I have experienced it I suddenly understand what it is if you are really in love. Probably hopelessly in love. To be honest, looking back on it was really scary. I certainly do not want to be like that ever again in my life. It's so scary that I couldn't control myself, did things I normally never would have done. I am normally too calm and relaxed for that, and I normally think my actions three times before doing them where I am usually also three steps ahead.

 

On the day she left to go to her siblings I sent her a pretty long text message (which I had to split in 2 because I reached the limit of numbers of texts you can send at once) explaining how much I loved her and about my frustrations. I'll spare you the details but if you have read my story till this far you can probably imagine that was in that message. The moment I sent that text it was really relieving, but as of now I wished I never sent that text. I have sent bad things to her that week but that last text tops everything. At the end I even mentioned "have fun at your family and it's okay that we meet later :)" in short. That was about a week ago now, and after that we did not have contact in any way. To be honest I could not sleep well that week and I was performing a lot less with my business. My senses also kicked back in the next day for that reason. I have a business to run and I need to take responsibility for my customers. I had let them down for the whole week and on that moment I just realised it. On that moment I also realised I should not only get back on track, but leave the girl alone for a while and maybe think about what has happened. On that moment it was just a little thought, but I certainly felt it the next day!

 

It has been a week now since that long text and I have calmed down a lot. I don't know what level I am now, but it's certainly almost back at the same level I was before that special night. A few days ago I began to read all the messages I have sent to her, which took a lot of courage at first by the way. Especially when I finally realised what I was doing a week ago. At this moment I wished I never sent certain messages and I am also very embarassed about a few messages I sent. I still cannot believe that it was me who sent them because the real me is not like that at all. Now I really realize what love can do to you if you cannot control it. This is certainly a new valuable lesson learnt in life, which I never expected to still learn and act on this age and with all the experience I have. Like I have said before, it was scary. Really, really scary. Because of the intense level of love I felt for that girl I was not myself anymore and could not control myself. I realize now I am calmed myself again that all my actions were based on all the thousands of emotions I felt during that week. I certainly do not want to have to experience those feelings again in my life, nor do I wish those feelings for someone else. It really feels good in the beginning but it drives you crazy in the end.

 

Of course I have thought about how I would do it when I could turn back time, but that is also not me because I'd rather think about the future. That future led me on the internet, searching on Google how to deal with situations like this. I found a lot of stuff about break ups with mostly longer time relationships, but not so much about the situation I was in. I also do not expect a lot of replies because my story contains so many words. I wish I could tell this in fewer words but to completely understand it I need you to know certain things form me before you can understand it. I really am trying to keep this as short as possible though!

 

Like mentioning before, I have calmed down a lot now. I know realise what I did, and what I did worng. I also realise that I have ruined this potential relationship. I'm not entirely sure if I am over this but I have certainly grown to accept the fact that she never wants to see me again. If she would tell that to me it will hurt, but I am prepared now and I will leave her alone. Before that happens I am looking for some advice and opinions from anyone. What do you think about this situation? What would you do if it were you in this case? I will mention again that my love for her was strong. So strong that it went out of hand and I couldn't control it anymore. If you have never felt that before in your life, I really wish for you that you will never experience this because it does so much with you and you will feel so much things in such a short time.

 

On this moment I do not expect anything anymore. I now kind of hope that "that" night never happened and we could be friends again like we were before. She was really a good friend to me and I do not want to lose such a good friend in life, especially not because of this. I also know her best friend, which doesnt know about this situation by the way, whom I asked some questions to. Her friend confirmed me that she is doing fine right now and she is having fun again since today. At least that makes me happy. I do not want her to be in pain because of me, because she is really a good person.

 

What do you think I should do? I still have the urge to contact her, but I don't know how. It's been a week of silence now between us. On one side I do not want to contact her because I do not want to hurt her more than I already did because I care about her, but on the other hand I don't want to lose such a good friend. If I have to really be honest I think I do want a second chance in the future, because all of this won't happen to me anymore. I bet you hear this a lot. I can probably never live with this but like I have said before, I am prepared for the fact that she does not want to see me anymore. I also want to explain all of this to her. I bet it would have felt so scary for her getting all those messages, and I still have the urge to explain her what went trough my mind that week. I still don't know if I want that for myself or if I really want to comfort her a little bit by saying that it was not "me".

 

If you have read my story till this far, thank you very much! I really appreciate it! I'm sure for some people this is nothing and they have experienced more than this. I want to make the right decision, whether if it's letting her go and never contact her again. Any advice is appreciated and thank you very very very much for reading this story that has been going on for too long!

 

Yours,

worldwanderer

[devilish innocent]

What you felt was infatuation, not love. Love is something that grows a little bit more each day. When you're that obsessed with somebody all of a sudden, then it's infatuation.

 

You might have scared her away. You have done enough contacting her. It's up to her now if she wants to respond or not.

 

If she does, try to take things slower. You can't always help how you feel, but you don't always have to act on those feelings.

 

If she doesn't respond, then you need to let her go. It just wasn't meant to be. Remember you haven't known her very long. There's a good chance you would have found things you disliked about her over time anyway.

[flight E]

Like what did you send in d texts dats so scary

[worldwanderer]

What you felt was infatuation, not love. Love is something that grows a little bit more each day. When you're that obsessed with somebody all of a sudden, then it's infatuation.

 

You might have scared her away. You have done enough contacting her. It's up to her now if she wants to respond or not.

 

If she does, try to take things slower. You can't always help how you feel, but you don't always have to act on those feelings.

 

If she doesn't respond, then you need to let her go. It just wasn't meant to be. Remember you haven't known her very long. There's a good chance you would have found things you disliked about her over time anyway.

 

Thank you for pointing that out. I have not viewed it from that perspective yet. It opens up new things for me to think about. It's also that in my language the word "infatuation" looks a lot like the word "love" itself. I don't think many people know that there's a difference between those two. At least, I didn't because I had to look it up.

 

At the end I think I should probably let it go and go on with my life. At least I have now learnt some valuable lessons by these mistakes that I will never make again

 

Like what did you send in d texts dats so scary

 

To put it simple I was basically over-idolizing her all the time. Reaching limits of texts you can send at once many times (not the character limit, but the actual limit of number of texts you can send someone in one time which is about 25 text messages if I remember correctly lol).

Edited August 9, 2014 by worldwanderer