I broke up with him but I'm suffering

[Iris17]

I never realised that breaking up with someone you love and care for is so hard. Probably harder than being dumped. I broke it off with my ex bf because we are not compatible in so many ways. I still love him and care for him but I just can't see us spending the rest of my life with him.

 

Any one out there who ended the relationship with someone who they still love and have any advice on how to move on?? What's the best thing to do for my ex? We are now NC which is all I can do.

 

I want to travel the world and not settle and have a family yet but he is on a different page. He wants to save money and stay home and pay for his mortgage, we hardly go out because we need to save for the house we want to buy. I was bored of not going anywhere. Then what makes me feel even more bad is that maybe I don't actually love him. I do love him but maybe not enough to spend the rest of my life with him. Now I feel so guilty about this, that I was with him for a year and a half but I was not IN love with him. I feel selfish for putting him through the break up. Then at the same time I am wondering if I have done the right thing for breaking up with him.

 

This is my first time breaking up with someone and not quite sure how to deal with it. He has not done anything terrible like cheating but he has shown a controlling streak which I do not like and won't put up with. I found out from common friend that he is hurting so much he has decided to move to a new country. I feel awful.

[me85]

I'm sorry. I know how it feels. Indeed. Controlling behavior leads to nowhere fast. So good thing you would not tolerate it. If you know you weren't in love with him, then no, you didn't make a mistake by breaking up with him.

 

I also want to travel the world. I've never had the opportunity to travel the world and my ex has, so he didn't feel the need to like I do so I always felt like I was settling by being with him. Like he was holding me back from my dreams. It's really important to me but living close to his family is what's most important to him. Those were 2 main differences between us.

 

I'm sure you do feel bad for hurting him but at least you ended it at a year and a half. Better he hurt now than worse later on down the road. You date someone to see if you're compatible or not. After a certain amount of time, you know whether you are or not and now you know.

 

SO wish him well, if you pray...then pray for him, cherish the memories you and him have together and gracefully move on with your life!!!

 

Best wishes to you!

J

 

 

P.S. I think you're suffering because you feel guilty for hurting him so much not because you really think it was a mistake to BU with him.

Edited August 8, 2014 by me85

[Iris17]

I'm sorry. I know how it feels. Indeed. Controlling behavior leads to nowhere fast. So good thing you would not tolerate it. If you know you weren't in love with him, then no, you didn't make a mistake by breaking up with him.

 

I also want to travel the world. I've never had the opportunity to travel the world and my ex has, so he didn't feel the need to like I do so I always felt like I was settling by being with him. Like he was holding me back from my dreams. It's really important to me but living close to his family is what's most important to him. Those were 2 main differences between us.

 

I'm sure you do feel bad for hurting him but at least you ended it at a year and a half. Better he hurt now than worse later on down the road. You date someone to see if you're compatible or not. After a certain amount of time, you know whether you are or not and now you know.

 

SO wish him well, if you pray...then pray for him, cherish the memories you and him have together and gracefully move on with your life!!!

 

Best wishes to you!

J

 

 

P.S. I think you're suffering because you feel guilty for hurting him so much not because you really think it was a mistake to BU with him.

I also feel bad because when he asks 'why', I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Only reasons I gave him was we are incompatible and I can't deal with his anger issue (he also admits he has anger issue). I feel bad because his friend said he spent weeks trying to figure out why I walked out. Isn't what I told him enough reasons for him? I want him to accept it and move on but I can't say the word I don't love him any more.

[me85]

You've answered his questions. You gave him valid reasons as to why you wanted to BU.

 

One day he will realize that you did him a favor. You don't need to know what's going on with him. You should tell all mutual friends that you'd prefer not to know what's going on with him and if you're asking about him then you should stop asking about him at this point. They won't think you're heartless. They'll understand.

 

If you're on his social media then you really shouldn't be.

 

You love him but aren't in love with him. Which means, given the amount of time you spent getting to know him, you obviously grew to care for him deeply and developed a love for him. That's entirely different than being in love with someone. You can't force feelings and you're not a bad person just because you never got to the point of falling in love with someone so then had to let them go. He deserves someone who will fall in love with him back so you are giving him the opportunity to have that with someone else because you know he deserves it.

 

Practice the whole "out of sight out of mind" thing and see if that helps.

Edited August 8, 2014 by me85

[Iris17]

Me85 thank you for your advice. I found out from same friend on same day that he planned to propose in October. Which is why I feel even more ****e. But this news doesn't change my mind about the break up. Yes my plan is to let him find some one more suitable, more compatible. I'm not on his facebook anymore and friends won't get involve any more. I made sure all ties are cut. It s just hard because I love and care for him.

[sly_fly1]

i see , well i have never dumped someone that i have loved. but i know what its like to be dumped by someone you love. its like you cant even be your self anymore. your best friend and someone you trusted stabbed you in the heart because their heart stopped beating awhile ago.

 

what you need to do is disappear from him, if this is your final decision. then you leave him alone, he is broke . and if you are feeding him bread crumbs like telling him you miss him n love him., just dont, that would be a terrible idea.

 

but i gotta say, if you know theres no future, you didnt do the wrong thing. you just did it the wrong way.

 

but remember, make sure you didnt make a mistake, because one day when you are done traveling and realitiy kicks in and you need a home an what not. youll have to start over and you may get bored again with the new guy and youll be back on here.

 

breaking up is like life and death to the dumpee. so make sure you decision is final

 

good luck

[Iris17]

i see , well i have never dumped someone that i have loved. but i know what its like to be dumped by someone you love. its like you cant even be your self anymore. your best friend and someone you trusted stabbed you in the heart because their heart stopped beating awhile ago.

 

what you need to do is disappear from him, if this is your final decision. then you leave him alone, he is broke . and if you are feeding him bread crumbs like telling him you miss him n love him., just dont, that would be a terrible idea.

 

but i gotta say, if you know theres no future, you didnt do the wrong thing. you just did it the wrong way.

 

but remember, make sure you didnt make a mistake, because one day when you are done traveling and realitiy kicks in and you need a home an what not. youll have to start over and you may get bored again with the new guy and youll be back on here.

 

breaking up is like life and death to the dumpee. so make sure you decision is final

 

good luck

Well this is exactly why I am suffering, guilt and not sure if I am doing the right thing.

[d0nnivain]

Both sides hurt after a break up that is not based on one person doing something wrong. You didn't break up because he was a bad guy. You broke up because you were incompatible. Even though you are the one who changed the status quo, change is still hard.

 

You also made an emotional decision logically so the emotional side of you is still attached even though you know in the long run you did the right thing.

 

Since you want to travel, start sooner rather than later to get your mind off the break up.

 

Regret & doubt are not substitutes for love nor are they a foundation for happily ever after.

[sly_fly1]

Well this is exactly why I am suffering, guilt and not sure if I am doing the right thing.

 

yeah, well did he ever do you wrong? how was your relationship, maybe the real problem is you werent clear enough on how you wanted life to be,. maybe if your bored and you want to go on trips and explore, take the initiative. go buy some plane tickets, go explore. you dont need anyones permission and you dont need to break up with the guy to do so.

 

if you still want to break up with him, then clearly there was something wrong in the realationship in the first place. maybe your not attracted to him anymore. maybe the spark is gone. but all i know is that happens in every relationship, and thats when the real relationship starts.

 

i dont know anything about you or him. all i can say is that if i were you. i would go to him. tell him whats going on in your head. and tell him you need change, if this guy loves you im sure he would do it for you.

 

but if its something more than just exploring, then clearly you want something or someone new, there for you are not making a mistake,

[Moonborn]

Well this is exactly why I am suffering, guilt and not sure if I am doing the right thing.

 

Even if you are not sure if you did the right thing, you must act like if you were. You decided to breakup, I am sure you took all the time you needed to think about it before going with that decision. Now take responsibility on that decision and move on.

 

Whatever you do, do not go back to him unless you are absolutely sure that you want to be with him. For the dumpee indecisiveness from the dumper is like having a saw grinding away your flesh.

 

i dont know anything about you or him. all i can say is that if i were you. i would go to him. tell him whats going on in your head. and tell him you need change, if this guy loves you im sure he would do it for you.

 

Sorry sly_fly1, but this is horrible advice. The issue the OP was talking about is not something that can be changed just like that. If she came back to him now and he agreed to some sort of change things may go back to normal for a while, but then the issues would come back. You can't switch from somebody who wants to settle to somebody who wants to travel all the time. All it would do is torture both him and her.

[bubbaganoosh]

Better off now telling him that it's over rather than making a horrible mistake and marrying someone that you don't love enough.

[Iris17]

Moonborn. Even if I'm still unsure, I have told him it is over and never changed my words, I don't want to keep him hanging like you said. Yes I have thought about it for a while before the break up.

 

 

sly_fly1 I can't get in touch with him now that we have gone NC. I think what I have said is enough. If I say any more it will set him back again.we also have other issues and Not sure if it can be fixed, he is abit controlling and has bad temper. Other issues I won't go into.

[me85]

Me85 thank you for your advice. I found out from same friend on same day that he planned to propose in October. Which is why I feel even more ****e. But this news doesn't change my mind about the break up. Yes my plan is to let him find some one more suitable, more compatible. I'm not on his facebook anymore and friends won't get involve any more. I made sure all ties are cut. It s just hard because I love and care for him.

 

You're welcome.

 

Guys, guys, guys...she's already broken up with him. It's over. She knows she is not in love with him. Say no more about "make sure it's the right decision" it is.

 

She's feeling bad about it and wondering if it was the right choice because she has a heart. I'm glad she's having these emotions after making her final decision because not all dumpers do. She's not rebounding or wanting to be in a RS with anyone else. She's not leaving him for another.

 

Taking breaks to figure out how you feel, rarely works. They usually just lead to breaking up for good. What was she supposed to do? Tell him she needs time away from him to figure out what she really wants? Trust me, that would hurt him just as much. Or was she supposed to stay in the RS and put on a front with him, struggling with her thoughts and feelings...living a lie? No. She has done the right thing and I support her decision because when you know you're not in love with someone...you let them go so that they can be loved by another like they deserve.

 

I for one, think this was fate because he was planning to propose in October. That ring is meant to be on another woman's finger.

[jacksonbrown33]

I can relate to your "ex". My girlfriend broke up with me last week with basically the same reasoning you outlined. I was not said to be "controlling" though. My girlfriend said she realized that she loved me as a best friend, but not a "soul mate". After 4 years. Ouch.

 

My advice... Leave him alone. Don't even think about reaching out to him or talking to him unless you are 100% sure that you want to get back together. You will only make things worse if not. He probably still loves you and will do anything for you. Don't take advantage of him or hurt him more. My girlfriend did this to me 2 times. It is not fun... Trust me.

 

I never realised that breaking up with someone you love and care for is so hard. Probably harder than being dumped. I broke it off with my ex bf because we are not compatible in so many ways. I still love him and care for him but I just can't see us spending the rest of my life with him.

 

Any one out there who ended the relationship with someone who they still love and have any advice on how to move on?? What's the best thing to do for my ex? We are now NC which is all I can do.

 

I want to travel the world and not settle and have a family yet but he is on a different page. He wants to save money and stay home and pay for his mortgage, we hardly go out because we need to save for the house we want to buy. I was bored of not going anywhere. Then what makes me feel even more bad is that maybe I don't actually love him. I do love him but maybe not enough to spend the rest of my life with him. Now I feel so guilty about this, that I was with him for a year and a half but I was not IN love with him. I feel selfish for putting him through the break up. Then at the same time I am wondering if I have done the right thing for breaking up with him.

 

This is my first time breaking up with someone and not quite sure how to deal with it. He has not done anything terrible like cheating but he has shown a controlling streak which I do not like and won't put up with. I found out from common friend that he is hurting so much he has decided to move to a new country. I feel awful.

[mightycpa]

I can relate to your "ex". My girlfriend broke up with me last week with basically the same reasoning you outlined. I was not said to be "controlling" though. My girlfriend said she realized that she loved me as a best friend, but not a "soul mate". After 4 years. Ouch.

 

My advice... Leave him alone. Don't even think about reaching out to him or talking to him unless you are 100% sure that you want to get back together. You will only make things worse if not. He probably still loves you and will do anything for you. Don't take advantage of him or hurt him more. My girlfriend did this to me 2 times. It is not fun... Trust me.

 

It won't be fun either way. I hope that you at least validated the relationship when you broke up, Iris. So many people fail to do that, it just isn't on their minds when they quit. My FL dumped me, without any explanation, and without any "review" of our time together, and I never talked to her again. I always wondered if it was easy for her or not, or where I stood in terms of her memory of me. I always wanted to know more than I did. But to tell you the truth, it probably would have been harder on me if she checked up on me. Her silence was a reality check for me, and it was crystal clear.

 

My 2nd love dumped me after we were having problems, and we stretched talking things out over about 6 months. I cried every day over that girl, and then one day, I woke up and realized I just didn't love her any more. My very next thought was of my FL, and I realized I never had that day for her. But I don't think the talking helped me get there, I think it was just a different way to finish. I could have never done that with the first one; the 2nd one didn't hurt nearly as much.

 

I guess you just never know how long it will take somebody to get over you. Sometimes, it will be quick, and they will surprise you, and other times, they never do, or you don't know. You have to let your ex take the lead, and respond only if he contacts you. That is probably the best way.

[Iris17]

It won't be fun either way. I hope that you at least validated the relationship when you broke up, Iris. So many people fail to do that, it just isn't on their minds when they quit. My FL dumped me, without any explanation, and without any "review" of our time together, and I never talked to her again. I always wondered if it was easy for her or not, or where I stood in terms of her memory of me. I always wanted to know more than I did. But to tell you the truth, it probably would have been harder on me if she checked up on me. Her silence was a reality check for me, and it was crystal clear.

 

My 2nd love dumped me after we were having problems, and we stretched talking things out over about 6 months. I cried every day over that girl, and then one day, I woke up and realized I just didn't love her any more. My very next thought was of my FL, and I realized I never had that day for her. But I don't think the talking helped me get there, I think it was just a different way to finish. I could have never done that with the first one; the 2nd one didn't hurt nearly as much.

 

I guess you just never know how long it will take somebody to get over you. Sometimes, it will be quick, and they will surprise you, and other times, they never do, or you don't know. You have to let your ex take the lead, and respond only if he contacts you. That is probably the best way.

I'm concerned when you said I should at least validate the relationship,when we broke up...we spoke a few times after we broke up and when he asks 'why', I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Only reasons I gave him was we are incompatible and I can't deal with his anger issue which are also true (he also admits he has anger issue). After going NC I also realised I don't wanna settle for anyone yet, I want to travel more and find myself and do it alone. Should I tell him this? I don't want him to be wondering why as you said it would hurt him more or blaming himself that he has anger issues. I want him to know the real reason. Should I tell him but I don't want to break the NC though.

[SoThatHappened]

I understand what you're going through, Iris.

 

I had to dump a girl who I'd spent 17 years dating on and off, the last run was 7 years with the last 3 living together.

 

We weren't compatible. She loved me deeply. I also loved and still love her very much. I knew she'd be devastated, but it had to be done. It didn't go down the way I wanted it to go down, but I was wasting her time.

 

I wanted so badly to reach out and see how she was doing and apologize after the breakup. But after posting whether or not I should do that on this forum, I got a resounding "NO!" So, I haven't.

 

It sucks to break someone's heart... it really does. As mentioned before, at least you're taking the time to be single, work on yourself, all the right things. At least he didn't get dumped for someone else.

[Iris17]

I'm concerned when you said I should at least validate the relationship,when we broke up...we spoke a few times after we broke up and when he asks 'why', I couldn't bring myself to tell him that I can't see myself spending the rest of my life with him. Only reasons I gave him was we are incompatible and I can't deal with his anger issue which are also true (he also admits he has anger issue). After going NC I also realised I don't wanna settle for anyone yet, I want to travel more and find myself and do it alone. Should I tell him this? I don't want him to be wondering why as you said it would hurt him more or blaming himself that he has anger issues. I want him to know the real reason. Should I tell him but I don't want to break the NC though.

We even said out goodbyes and good luck, we had nice convo and he seemed to understand and didn't wanna dig any deeper.

[me85]

But Iris, you did give him valid reasons as to why you wanted to BU.

 

 

Honestly, his temper alone is reason enough. You don't even need any other reason to want to BU besides that.

[Iris17]

Ok thank god. I just don't want him to be thinking that's it s all his fault. His friend said he spent weeks trying to figure out why we broke up but then again she doesn't know most of what me and my ex talked about. I shall continue the NC then, I don't wanna do anymore damage to him by breaking the NC and try to explain myself any further..we said our goodbyes and he was understanding. If the relationship was good for me and if he was right for me I wouldn't have though of wanting to travel. I know that for sure. I sometimes doubt that he was in love with me too but he doesn't know it yet. If to him what we had was love, I can't be in it.

[Iris17]

I appreciate all the posts you guys and being very understanding. I now feel a lot better and can feel that I will finally have a peaceful night sleep.

 

Me85 thank you for saying that I don't have a cold heart and reminding me that I have done the right thing.