katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 He is meeting with mine right now - she wants to see what his angle is and where he's at and make some suggestions on how to reassure me more but just to get to know him better too. I'm meeting with his next week and I'm going to ask if I am safe with him. And then to tell her that I'm not interested in being with him if he's not telling me the truth about anything. That I don't want to be married to someone who is deciding things for me or controlling what I know simply to stay together... I hope both go ok.
BetrayedH Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Are both therapists clearly at liberty to discuss things completely and honestly with their client's spouse?
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 his therapist told me that she told hubby she couldn't... not sure if that is a general statement or that they discussed this. Mine didn't really ask nor did I sign anything but I don't care what she shares about me. No secrets.
drifter777 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 He is meeting with mine right now - she wants to see what his angle is and where he's at and make some suggestions on how to reassure me more but just to get to know him better too. I'm meeting with his next week and I'm going to ask if I am safe with him. And then to tell her that I'm not interested in being with him if he's not telling me the truth about anything. That I don't want to be married to someone who is deciding things for me or controlling what I know simply to stay together... I hope both go ok. Why? I don't understand how this is ethical.
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 I don't know. I think it is. I think it's good to get to know the spouse. Both seem open to it. I've been to this new IC three times and she's mentioned wanting to see him every time.
anne1707 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 It is actually totally unethical for either of them to do this even if you want it to happen. The counsellors should be abiding by strict ethical guidelines. I suspect you are not going to get what you want out of this and to be honest - no offence at all to you Katie - I hope you don't get what you want. It would be a total breach of confidence. 2
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 well, it's already happening with hubby and my IC.
BetrayedH Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 his therapist told me that she told hubby she couldn't... not sure if that is a general statement or that they discussed this. I'm confused. If his therapist said that she couldn't, how is it that it's going to happen? You later said that they were both good with it. At one point, I wanted to use my wife's therapist as a sort of lie detector. My wife fed me a bunch of HIPPA law jargon, saying that the therapist couldn't say much. At the same time, I know plenty of people who have met with their spouse's therapist. In fact, my GF and I have met jointly with her therapist. Some have waivers to sign; my GF's just confirmed with my GF verbally that she was free to discuss openly. I'm not passionately in favor of it or against it; I genuinely curious what the hell the rules really are (and why). In my case, it became apparent that my wife wasn't cool with it; I suspect more lies would have been exposed. For those that are up for it, I can see it being another form of "trust but verify" and perhaps a real benefit to both when nothing new is discovered. I'm not sure where it all stops though. Never got there. 1
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 I have nothing to lose. Not going to question her about him except to ask if I am safe. Possibly she can't answer that. The next thing I will mention is just a statement. Maybe she'll relay the importance of it to him and hear from my own mouth what want from this marriage. Maybe not. I have nothing to lose. She is good with meeting with me but can't reveal what they talk about in sessions.,,
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 At the same time, I know plenty of people who have met with their spouse's therapist. In fact, my GF and I have met jointly with her therapist. Some have waivers to sign; my GF's just confirmed with my GF verbally that she was free to discuss . I have as well. He called and said he enjoyed meeting her and that he chooses me yesterday, today and tomorrow
drifter777 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 well, it's already happening with hubby and my IC. The reason it is unethical is that your H's counselor is not YOUR counselor. Whatever your H says to your counselor is tainted by his spin on things and actually hurts your therapy. Everything that is important to you boils down to how you perceive it, and that is all that's important for your therapy. Someone else's view of your "truth" is completely irrelevant. That's why in couples counseling it nearly always both of you. Any one-on-one with one of the spouses is still under the context of the relationship - not the individual. Find new counselors. This is wrong for a reason - it can be damaging to the patient. 2
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 The reason it is unethical is that your H's counselor is not YOUR counselor. Whatever your H says to your counselor is tainted by his spin on things and actually hurts your therapy. Everything that is important to you boils down to how you perceive it, and that is all that's important for your therapy. Someone else's view of your "truth" is completely irrelevant. That's why in couples counseling it nearly always both of you. Any one-on-one with one of the spouses is still under the context of the relationship - not the individual. Find new counselors. This is wrong for a reason - it can be damaging to the patient. I disagree. My counselor is hearing just my side of the story. Good counselors can ascertain if someone is charming, lying, etc. Or perhaps she could see something I could not, like that he really loves me and is committed to me. Really? Everything boils down to how I perceive it? I think if both counselors are pro marriage they'd be interested in hearing both sides. And maybe not even a side, but a personality to go with the spouse they've been hearing about (in my husband's IC's case) for over two years.
beatcuff Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 i am joining the chorus that this can not be right. this is NOT MC in which C meets with each person individually then together. IC, i thought was for a person to reconcile their ideas without judgement. of course C is hearing only one side. but under this circumstance then the C should then meet with friends and neighbors??? BTW i have no issue with C meeting with the other person to get an understanding about that person but for the C to disclose what THEIR patient said is just wrong. and for a spouse to demand access is boarder line controlling. 1
anne1707 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 An IC will be pro the individual. They will only be pro the marriage if their client has said that is what they want. Otherwise they will be neutral on marriage. 1
Author katielee Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 BTW i have no issue with C meeting with the other person to get an understanding about that person but for the C to disclose what THEIR patient said is just wrong. and for a spouse to demand access is boarder line controlling. that is exactly what this is and I agree. And no one is demanding anything.... Both our ICs are pro-marriage and we've both stated we want to stay married if we can be healthy.
HermioneG Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I disagree. My counselor is hearing just my side of the story. Good counselors can ascertain if someone is charming, lying, etc. Or perhaps she could see something I could not, like that he really loves me and is committed to me. Really? Everything boils down to how I perceive it? I think if both counselors are pro marriage they'd be interested in hearing both sides. And maybe not even a side, but a personality to go with the spouse they've been hearing about (in my husband's IC's case) for over two years. When my spouse was in his intensive IC, at my spouse's request, and after he signed a waiver, I had two sessions to discuss my view with his therapist. It was a lot of questions, asking how I saw things, and what my recollections were. His counselor also told me at that point what my spouse's biggest issues were. The waiver was detailed, but waived confidentiality. I remember that quite clearly. I also remember I did not want to go, like at all. But I did, and after, I was glad I did. 2
HermioneG Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 I'm confused. If his therapist said that she couldn't, how is it that it's going to happen? You later said that they were both good with it. At one point, I wanted to use my wife's therapist as a sort of lie detector. My wife fed me a bunch of HIPPA law jargon, saying that the therapist couldn't say much. At the same time, I know plenty of people who have met with their spouse's therapist. In fact, my GF and I have met jointly with her therapist. Some have waivers to sign; my GF's just confirmed with my GF verbally that she was free to discuss openly. I'm not passionately in favor of it or against it; I genuinely curious what the hell the rules really are (and why). In my case, it became apparent that my wife wasn't cool with it; I suspect more lies would have been exposed. For those that are up for it, I can see it being another form of "trust but verify" and perhaps a real benefit to both when nothing new is discovered. I'm not sure where it all stops though. Never got there. This was my experience- a waiver and off to the races. Like BH, I also know several other people who have met with their spouse's therapists.
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