Emotional affair that was about to become sexual

[atreides]

No blame is all on one person in a relationship. Even when someone is abusive, the one who accepts it and stays is to blame as well, less of course but still. Someone who will deny all the blame in a relationship is someone who won't be able to solve its problems. I understand the pain and hurt the OP is in, but since he says he loves his wife he can't look at it with cold eyes and deal with it like a cold lawyer would (she is guilty, take her to jail), rather than with the mood to understand her and try to make her understand his pain so they can fix this. What I'm saying is that the couple now more than ever has to communicate and figure out why this happened and how they can prevent it from happening more than find the punishment for it.

 

 

Let me make 2 points. You have lumped 2 things together that do not mix. Infidelity has nothing to do with the "relationship" it is just like any addiction, it is its own island of problems and why/how contexts that are outside the "relationship."

I can no more blame my mother for making my father an alcoholic than i can my inlaw cheating because of my former sister-in-law. Moreover, i cannot blame the wife for an abusive husband or their relationship for his abuse.

 

The second point on communication and the relationship, yes you are right, they will have a lot to work on, but by addressing the relationship first and not her infidelity and the context of what broke inside is simply ignoring the source problem.

 

No marriage can go without fault/blame/dark times and such but yet so many of us do not seek an out through infidelity but through other means, non-addictive. Ironically LS has categories for such, IE divorce/separation and infidelity because the source problems are different.

 

The OP cannot take any of the blame for her infidelity, however once she & OP understand what broke inside her to use it as an out, they can work on the marriage for whatever problems they have had or may but again, they are not linked to infidelity.

Edited August 9, 2014 by atreides

[SummerDreams]

Let me make 2 points. You have lumped 2 things together that do not mix. Infidelity has nothing to do with the "relationship" it is just like any addiction, it is its own island of problems and why/how contexts that are outside the "relationship."

 

I disagree. A woman who was once happily married to a man should have serious problems in her relationship in order to get involved in an emotional affair. We are looking at two different "islands of problems", as you very nicely put it. I'm trying to find out what initiated the need for another man and you are ignoring the cause and jumping to the punishment. You are dealing with infidelity while I'm dealing with emotional void of this woman. Both are important and both should be thoroughly discussed between the couple. Don't forget that these people love each other and are emotionally involved, while you and I are just strangers who look at this matter coldly.

 

I can no more blame my mother for making my father an alcoholic than i can my inlaw cheating because of my former sister-in-law. Moreover, i cannot blame the wife for an abusive husband or their relationship for his abuse.

 

When you stay in an abusive relationship you make the CHOICE that indicates that you are a grown up person who can take responsibility of his/her actions. My father was an alcoholic but my mom chose to stay. I blame her as well for choosing this father for her child and for forcing me to grow up with him. Victims who choose to stay are less of victims in the end, in my opinion.

 

The second point on communication and the relationship, yes you are right, they will have a lot to work on, but by addressing the relationship first and not her infidelity and the context of what broke inside is simply ignoring the source problem.

 

In my eyes you are the one who is ignoring the source problem. No happilly married woman gets involved in an emotional (and later physical) affair. If her needs are being respected and she can work things out with her husband, there is no need to look for love and passion elsewhere. We are not trying to punish the infidelity firstly rather than find the cause and eliminate it. Isn't it more important?

 

No marriage can go without fault/blame/dark times and such but yet so many of us do not seek an out through infidelity but through other means, non-addictive.

 

1) We can't know the deepest problems of a couple. 2) Not all people are that strong.

 

The OP cannot take any of the blame for her infidelity, however once she & OP understand what broke inside her to use it as an out, they can work on the marriage for whatever problems they have had or may but again, they are not linked to infidelity.

 

How do you know? Are you suggesting that his wife is happily married but she waned to find a new lover to spice up her life? I find this case to be really rare. A woman's infidelity indicates some problems which must be discovered and addressed.

[atreides]

I disagree. A woman who was once happily married to a man should have serious problems in her relationship in order to get involved in an emotional affair.

 

I disagree, she has an issue with coping in to use infidelity as a resort vs the many other variables she could have done. The infidelity is solely her issue. Nothing to do with the relationship as coping with "the relationship" as in being "in a relationship" would not entail infidelity as a coping measure. Infidelity requires eyes wide open deceit, manipulation all of which is a progression and process to the antithesis of what you argue.

 

We are looking at two different "islands of problems", as you very nicely put it. I'm trying to find out what initiated the need for another man and you are ignoring the cause and jumping to the punishment.

 

Actually that is exactly what we both want, however you look to the relationship as the catalyst and i look to her internal issue as a catalyst as the choices for options that could have been in coping were for not. Moreover, many times affairs exist in happy marriages and many times marital history is re-written, therefore in all cases whether there is marital issues which there always is, the result to cheat rests with the wayward. Moreover, this is not about punishment but helping the wayward understand what broke, then comes repairing and marital issues. Especially if one wants to reconcile, punishment is not what is being argued but to fix what broke inside the wayward and then address emotional voids that also happen in happy marriages. I have seen it as well, couples are happy one day and in a void the next. For one it was a divorce the other they stayed together, but even though emotional voids existed, none used infidelity as an out.

 

 

while you and I are just strangers who look at this matter coldly.

Actually I want what is best for them and blaming in whole or in part the BS for infidelity does not help. He needs to understand that and set what she needs to do to earn his trust back and work through the issues of being happy enough to stay with him and not initiate divorce/separation or any other number of variables; as if it was “so emotionally in a void” she chose infidelity.

 

 

 

 

In my eyes you are the one who is ignoring the source problem. No happilly married woman gets involved in an emotional (and later physical) affair.

 

Well that is the crux of you argument and is 100% incorrect. Read enough LS stories here just as a small sample; countless waywards after the fog has cleared re-write what they once said about their spouses as irreconcilable marital problems to seeing the error of their ways and also once after they have reconciled with themselves make their marriage stronger.

You also mentioned what is rare for women specifically, I assure, here on LS it is full of former waywards that once wrote as you but then later on realize the error. Not to mention within my own circles, 90% of the time the female was "cake-eating." Then there are the LS stories of divorce rather than infidelity or separation rather than infidelity where marital issues were attempted but failed to be reconciled and so be it the marriage failed in those cases. But again, infidelity was not the cause nor the out. The reason, infidelity is not about the marital problems it is about what went wrong in the wayward.

 

 

We want the same things here, it's not about punishment but about fixing something if the OP wishes and perhaps have a better marriage afterwards, however if you only go off of your main argument of a women will never cheat because x,y,z reason... you will always lose sight of the root cause of infidelity.

Edited August 10, 2014 by atreides

[SummerDreams]

I disagree, she has an issue with coping in to use infidelity as a resort vs the many other variables she could have done. The infidelity is solely her issue. Nothing to do with the relationship as coping with "the relationship" as in being "in a relationship" would not entail infidelity as a coping measure. Infidelity requires eyes wide open deceit, manipulation all of which is a progression and process to the antithesis of what you argue.

 

I can't accept that the majority of women who cheat are that bad as you describe them. That they are this cold hearted, devious people who want to willingly cause harm to the man who loves them and to their family also. In my eyes infidelity is the way out of unsolved problems and emotional voids, and it mostly happens without prior planning. I'm not even referring to women who want to eat their cake, I don't even want to spend a second of my time for them. I'm talking about women who are trapped in an unhappy relationship and they are not strong enough to resist another man who will temporarily fill their voids. These women regret, as you suggest later in your post, cause in their heart they are not the devious women who don't give a damn about their husband.

 

I'm wondering now: is it the truth what you say? 90% of the infidelity stories are about women eating their cake? Then for them I can feel no sadness, cause they were not meant to be married, they are not wort their marriage vows. I'm just disappointed at the thought that our world has come to this. I prefer to live in my wonder world where infidelity is most;y a woman's mistake in a moment of weakness which she regrets later....

[atreides]

I can't accept that the majority of women who cheat are that bad as you describe them.

 

Men or women, "that bad" there is no degree of good with infidelity or should i say levels of "just how bad."

 

That they are this cold hearted, devious people who want to willingly cause harm to the man who loves them and to their family also.

 

What is an affair but to be devious, manipulative, deceitful and etc??? It's usually the lies that hurt the most.

Even in your view... trading emotional void for deceit & lies requires another spectrum of emotion, does it not?

However, most of the time that is just a temporary part of the person.... at least hopefully. Many here on LS became and or are becoming better after learning more about themselves after the affair. We can all be cold and at our worst but also the warmest and best.

 

In my eyes infidelity is the way out of unsolved problems and emotional voids, and it mostly happens without prior planning.

 

Ok, the percent of actually fully premeditated affairs lies with a smaller percent i would say, the serial cheaters, those with a lot more to work on themselves. But infidelity is not an out, it is an addiction... vs an out from an emotionless marriage is many times and LS is full of stories where couples separate or divorce... but they did not cheat.

The larger percent is the famous "it just happened" but nothing really "just happens" when it comes to infidelity. It may not be pre-planned but in order to have an affair, many choices and risks assessments are made in a process to build and maintain an affair and to a smaller extent, one night stand.

 

 

I'm not even referring to women who want to eat their cake, I don't even want to spend a second of my time for them. I'm talking about women who are trapped in an unhappy relationship and they are not strong enough to resist another man who will temporarily fill their voids. These women regret, as you suggest later in your post, cause in their heart they are not the devious women who don't give a damn about their husband.

 

All affairs are cake-eating because the affair relationship exists in excess too.. deceitfully at that... the primary relationship because the spouse is clearly happy with everything from the "old" but wants the excitement of the "new." In most cases, had the wayward instead divorced their spouse would likely not even consider the affair partner relationship material because the variables and needs of a partner at that point encompass the whole of life, bills, support, love... sex and etc.. not just the "vacation" side of life... thus "cake-eating"

When you say trapped, truly that is the rare exception. I have a very dear friend who was in an arranged marriage because of his culture which i could see as "trapped." But, you said it yourself with alcoholism, you blame your mom for choosing to stay.

 

I'm wondering now: is it the truth what you say? 90% of the infidelity stories are about women eating their cake? Then for them I can feel no sadness, cause they were not meant to be married, they are not wort their marriage vows.

 

How does trading a void of emotion for excitement based on ... for a lack of a better word "darker emotion" needed to lie and deceive to keep the affair going any different?

You are swathing as well, just because we may be bad today does not make us bad tomorrow. We can certainly F up today but the point is we realize that and make a better self for tomorrow.

My 90% figure was to my specific circle and what i have read, but just read on LS, so many stories where the wayward comes back as a better person seeing the error of their ways, admitting to cake eating and such... many of whom i have respect for now for how the have made themselves better or are in the process. A lot of times though, the wayward stays manipulative and deceitful then just plain spiteful... some sad stories out there.

 

I'm just disappointed at the thought that our world has come to this. I prefer to live in my wonder world where infidelity is most;y a woman's mistake in a moment of weakness which she regrets later....

 

Why only with women, there are many men who can get just as "emotionally" involved. There are also women on LS whom would fit the generalization of "how men cheat" that i can think of right now... very calculating.

 

 

But let's tie this into the OP's case.

 

 

She has also been extremely upset and is saying she I willing to do whatever it takes to get me back. although I know that I can't really trust her saying this right now though.

 

I have been monitoring everything she has been doing in the last days. I have access to all her emails and phone. I sat with her as she sent the other man a letter saying she will never contact him again.

I never thought I would react this way if she cheated but i do still love her. And I feel I would be willing, in time, to accept the things that I could do to change our relationship.

 

This is all so shocking and confusing and I just want to make the right decision.

 

 

The op in this case is more fortunate vs many others... she gave him access to everything... rather quickly vs others. She also seems remorseful but many times it is "regret" that they got caught but i do think based on what the OP has stated that she seems genuine. It however does not change the dynamics or root cause of the affair.

 

I think the OP has a lot of work but his WS needs a lot of self-reflection and work.

Edited August 10, 2014 by atreides

[thummper]

What's happened to the OP? How're you doing Twards???

[Spectre]

People that have affairs don't always do so because they don't love their spouse or that they are snakes lacking character.

 

This is always an excuse you see cheaters saying though, you realize that right? Go read most of these topics, most cheaters will swear they are "in love" with the one they are betraying. I'm not saying this is always a lie, but..well, you can draw your own conclusions I think.

 

Often they are having deep seated issues, are lonely, are seeking validation.

 

None of which are an excuse for stepping outside the marriage. If you are lonely then do something about it, and by "do something about it" I don't mean "sleep with someone else" I mean..try to fix the issues in your relationship.

 

But on the ow/om page you will see many including myself (had an EA) who were deeply in love with their spouse (no need for someone to lie about that on an anonymous website). To this day my husband can still give me butterflies and melt my heart 15 years later. I love him from the depths of my soul and would never leave him..but had an ea because a coworker made me feel wanted, I was abandoned by my father when I was 4, I had a need for love, love, and more love and validation.

 

See so..now what does one even say to this? No offense, but you are a cheater..of course you are going to be saying stuff like this. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but when you bring up your situation it now comes off like maybe you feel people attacking the OP's wife were also in some way attacking you as well? I don't know, but either way..this is the exact type of thing that can derail a thread.

 

I was not in love with EAP...I wanted his love and desire though. It was filling a void and I had it compartmentalized....it was so seperate from my husband...like another world.

Maybe your wifes reasons were different but since she was so sloppy and not careful to hide or delete emails, my gut says its her first and she got swept up and was naive and realizes now how seriously you were hurt and how serious you were.

 

My only problem is I do not think your gut is 100% trustworthy, given you just admitted you yourself had an affair. That means at one point in time your "gut" told you to do so.

 

Anyways, to the OP: Your wife was going to cheat. She was planning her betrayal out in advance. That is really all that needs to be said. If she was in love with you she would not be making plans with some creep she met online to go bang him. That is just the way it is, women "in love" do not act this way. If you find yourself with a woman who acts that way but claims to love you..my advice to drop her immediately.

Edited August 10, 2014 by Spectre

[whichwayisup]

None of which are an excuse for stepping outside the marriage. If you are lonely then do something about it, and by "do something about it" I don't mean "sleep with someone else" I mean..try to fix the issues in your relationship.

 

Or issues within yourself (general you).

[atreides]

I can't accept that the majority of women who cheat are that bad as you describe them.

 

In reading the thread SummerDreams, you already have one example which you liked the post with the quote below.

 

People that have affairs don't always do so because they don't love their spouse or that they are snakes lacking character.

 

Very true but "snakes" is a defensive remark; however something is broken (not to brand) to give the ability to lie and deceive their spouse and especially from below:

 

Take this part

 

Often they are having deep seated issues, are lonely, are seeking validation.

 

But on the ow/om page you will see many including myself (had an EA) who were deeply in love with their spouse (no need for someone to lie about that on an anonymous website).

 

see my point (and take note of the word but above)... no need to lie here but indeed to the one that counts the most.

 

To this day my husband can still give me butterflies and melt my heart 15 years later. I love him from the depths of my soul and would never leave him..but had an ea because a coworker made me feel wanted, I was abandoned by my father when I was 4, I had a need for love, love, and more love and validation.

 

So the above quotes are one in the same even though BUT was used to try and differentiate. The issues seeking validation are the same, beyond what is described as a loving husband who could still gives the poster butterflies.... IE cake-eating.

 

But let's get into the cake eating and exactly what i meant by the process to lie, manipulate and deceive using the poster's words, a spouse they love to the depth of their soul. see below, the poster is audacious enough to state:

 

I was not in love with EAP...I wanted his love and desire though. It was filling a void and I had it compartmentalized....it was so seperate from my husband...like another world.

Maybe your wifes reasons were different but since she was so sloppy and not careful to hide or delete emails, my gut says its her first and she got swept up and was naive and realizes now how seriously you were hurt and how serious you were.

 

 

So my points validated on this very thread about infidelity and in that the OP cannot and should not take any blame... it is sad Summerdreams the poster i quoted may not have planned it, but is clearly planning now just as the OP's wife was doing... where is the line to differ to premeditate what it is done daily?

 

To the OP please update us. I hope you are not blaming yourself and are as well as can be expected.

Edited August 10, 2014 by atreides

[SummerDreams]

@atreides: Thank you for the great analysis of our thoughts that you've made. You have convinced me that what you say is the sad truth. I guess that subconsciously I choose to see an infidelity as something that comes out of an emotional void thus making it romantic and the cheater a "victim", if I may use this word. I guess I use this as a mechanism to protect myself from the ugly truth which is that too many people can be that much "cake eating" and devious as to lie to someone who they have sworn to love and cherish forever. Thank you again for a nice conversation.

[atreides]

@atreides: Thank you for the great analysis of our thoughts that you've made. You have convinced me that what you say is the sad truth. I guess that subconsciously I choose to see an infidelity as something that comes out of an emotional void thus making it romantic and the cheater a "victim", if I may use this word. I guess I use this as a mechanism to protect myself from the ugly truth which is that too many people can be that much "cake eating" and devious as to lie to someone who they have sworn to love and cherish forever. Thank you again for a nice conversation.

 

Thanks as well... i just hope the OP is doing ok

[HereNorThere]

@atreides: Thank you for the great analysis of our thoughts that you've made. You have convinced me that what you say is the sad truth. I guess that subconsciously I choose to see an infidelity as something that comes out of an emotional void thus making it romantic and the cheater a "victim", if I may use this word. I guess I use this as a mechanism to protect myself from the ugly truth which is that too many people can be that much "cake eating" and devious as to lie to someone who they have sworn to love and cherish forever. Thank you again for a nice conversation.

 

I've noticed that most people over-generalize when it comes to infidelity as well and I used to be one of them. I think the thing that got me was identifying which one of my friends were cheaters and observing them. I noticed that the state of their current relationship or partner didn't as matter as much as previously suspected. In particular, I have one friend who moved in with his dream girl. She was nice, nice to him, accepted his children, psychically attractive, etc. but the first chance he got, he cheated on her with a fat chick. Since then, I've noticed infidelity is more closely related to personality types, not particular situations. Some people are thrill seekers, some people simply lack the empathy it takes to have a healthy relationship, etc. Simply put, no matter the underlying mechanisms, it takes a malicious, deviant person to cheat regardless of their situation. The dissonance this creates (knowing you are married to a person with a character defect) drives people to look for outside influences to make themselves feel better or deflect blame. Not because it's their fault, because they themselves have made a grave mistake as well. They trusted someone who they shouldn't have trusted. This alone is a hard thing to deal with.

[fellini]

I've noticed that most people over-generalize when it comes to infidelity as well and I used to be one of them.

 

...it takes a malicious, deviant person to cheat regardless of their situation.

 

You only "used to be one of them"? :-D

 

Come on, the real problem is that anyone can cheat on anyone, at any time, or not.

[HereNorThere]

No, that's excuse making for the dissonance, but not true.

 

Could you kick a baby? Can some people kick babies?

 

Not everyone is capable of having an affair. I know lots of people that sex outside of the marital relationship would be the equivalent of being raped to them. Some people cannot live with the guilt of continually hurting their spouse. Some people value their spouse enough not to lie to them. Some people value the institution of marriage more than others. Some people would not risk raising their children in a broken home to gain sexual satisfaction. In fact, the statistics show that the good partners actually outweigh the bad.

 

So sure, physically, nearly anyone could kick a baby, but only a handful of people would be able to commit a crime like that.

[DKT3]

I've noticed that most people over-generalize when it comes to infidelity as well and I used to be one of them. I think the thing that got me was identifying which one of my friends were cheaters and observing them. I noticed that the state of their current relationship or partner didn't as matter as much as previously suspected. In particular, I have one friend who moved in with his dream girl. She was nice, nice to him, accepted his children, psychically attractive, etc. but the first chance he got, he cheated on her with a fat chick. Since then, I've noticed infidelity is more closely related to personality types, not particular situations. Some people are thrill seekers, some people simply lack the empathy it takes to have a healthy relationship, etc. Simply put, no matter the underlying mechanisms, it takes a malicious, deviant person to cheat regardless of their situation. The dissonance this creates (knowing you are married to a person with a character defect) drives people to look for outside influences to make themselves feel better or deflect blame. Not because it's their fault, because they themselves have made a grave mistake as well. They trusted someone who they shouldn't have trusted. This alone is a hard thing to deal with.

 

I think that every human that walks the earth "can" cheat. However, maintaining an affair is making a decision to cheat everyday, to me that is disgusting and about as low as one can get. I've told my WS as much, she took it as me calling her disgusting.

 

I'm of the theory that cheating and affairs boiled down to its simply form is about a lack of respect for your marriage and your spouse.

[Twards]

Thank you everyone for your help and support. Difficult as it is my wife and have been talking everyday about all this and I think I have decided that I will attempt to reconcile with her. That being said I am treating this as if it was a sexual affair and she will have to do a lot to regain my trust. She has told me everything and continues to be extremely upset with herself about her actions. As hard as it is for me to process because of what she did I believe that something like this won't happen again. I have made it etremely clear to her that if this ever happens again or she contacts the other guy again the marriage is over.

 

She undrstands what she did and how little respect she showed for me and the marriage.

 

What hurts the most is that she never brought the issues she felt to me (wants a deeper emotional connection) and that she fell into this so fast and easily.

 

I need to respect myself an demand that respect from her. I just need to figure out how I can process the issues she was having before before this happened while still being so incredibly hurt that she did this. I hope time will make it easier.

[2sunny]

I think you're being strong.

 

Have you requested she get to counseling to understand why she did it - and how much she hurt you?

 

 

You can't be sure she's told you everything...

[harrybrown]

Has she had any counseling to see what lack of boundaries, etc?

 

Has she read any of the books about the impact of cheating on your spouse?

 

What has she done to show you that you are her one and only?

 

She spent much time and planning on going to have sex with the OM.

 

what has she done for you with even more time and energy?

 

Do not rugsweep.

[drifter777]

I think you're being strong.

 

Have you requested she get to counseling to understand why she did it - and how much she hurt you?

 

 

You can't be sure she's told you everything...

Only OP knows whether he is being strong or weak. There are many reasons a BH chooses to reconcile with their WW and many of them are not strong at all.

 

OP: You've made your decision so go for it. Assuming no trickle-truth's are revealed I think you can start the process without those visions of her and OM having sex and that will help you tremendously.

 

If the reasons you are reconciling turn out to be out of weakness you will discover that some day. If this is the case I hope sooner rather than later.

[fellini]

 

What hurts the most is that she never brought the issues she felt to me (wants a deeper emotional connection) and that she fell into this so fast and easily.

 

Yes. I went through this myself.

 

My WS didn't alert me to her new found feelings, or supposed needs. And she fell into a fixatiion for her AP superfast. In the end though several things, about 6 months of recovery work later, came to light.

 

It was never about needs not being met in the marriage. The needs once provided by me were transferred to the AP over time.

 

She was never ever going to tell me about her feelings. As much as she wanted to believe, or me to believe, the opposite, it was not about "wanting to tell you but not knowing how" it was entirely: "Im going for this, it feels great."

 

In terms of what some are saying her about reconciliation, I won't deny that a) my WS's explanation about wanting to fix what she broke was NOT what she claimed it was initially (it was panic and damage control, not some realisation about what she had almost totally thrown away. THAT realisation came much later.

 

b) my initial desire not to walk away was not healthy. It was also based in fear, it was based in not wanting her to leave for the AP, and it was about not wanting to end the marriage for my own reasons. This too changed over time during the process of recovery.

 

It was not until about month 9 that we readdressed the entire marriage and whether it was worth saving. By then we have processed all the sh-t that has to get done. We did this without the assistance of MC's and pretty much without IC's.

 

So what drifter says might be true, but that doesn't make it always true.

We might reconcile for weak reasons, but later, when we are back on our feet, we see that reconciliation has other more lasting and worthwhile advantages.

 

Good luck

[jnel921]

It's a shame that it takes "getting caught" to block or stop A's.

 

In 2010 I intercepted private FB messages to a woman lived in PA who was a friend of my cousin's who neither of us knew but she was very attractive and went to their church. She was always commenting and liking his posts. Eventually they took it offline and started private messaging.

 

I only found out because we were away one weekend and he lost his phone and had his laptop open. He went to walk the dogs and when I saw the messages I was really upset. He mentioned how coincidental it was they she was in NY while we were away. The messages I felt were about eventually meeting. I confronted him and there was a big story where he denied this and the woman wanted me to call her and apologized and begged me not to tell my family in PA that attend church with her. It turned out she was married as well. As upsetting as it was I let it go and never thought my husband would go all the way with anyone.

 

But I was wrong. A few years later In July of 2012 he had slept with another woman. This was after I told him how I felt. But as you see that can sometimes fall on deaf ears. Adulterers are selfish.

 

I was ready to divorce him and leave. But he begged and cried for forgiveness and really wanted to work on the M this time. I did and we are still together. I gave him hard times over the past 19 months, but its to be expected. My heart hasn't fully healed.

 

Part of me wishes I didn't have to go through these episodes prior to the A. These are clear signs that our WS are looking for something else.

 

You are smart to treat it as an A. Whatever the issues fix them now. If not then you can both leave the M knowing that you have exhausted every resource trying.

 

I hope it works out for you.

[atreides]

 

She was never ever going to tell me about her feelings. As much as she wanted to believe, or me to believe, the opposite, it was not about "wanting to tell you but not knowing how" it was entirely: "Im going for this, it feels great."

 

 

 

This needs to be put somewhere permanently.. infidelity defined.

[Try]

What hurts the most is that she never brought the issues she felt to me (wants a deeper emotional connection) and that she fell into this so fast and easily.

Please understand that you did nothing wrong, and that she is just blame shifting. To justify their cheating, cheaters always have a reason to blame their spouse. If you paid attention to them, then you are too clingy. If you are not clingy, then you are not emotionally connected to them. It is a game that you cannot win, because they do not want you to win. They will change the rules as they go along, to insure that you come up short. To make sure that you fail, the issues is usually subjective and they never tell you before they cheat that there is even such an issue, insuring that you do not have a chance to correct it.

 

With no children and her cheating after only 4 years of marriage, you need to bail on this now. She will cheat again. Marriage only gets harder with children and age, so she will find even better reasons to cheat in the future.

[Spectre]

Thank you everyone for your help and support. Difficult as it is my wife and have been talking everyday about all this and I think I have decided that I will attempt to reconcile with her. That being said I am treating this as if it was a sexual affair and she will have to do a lot to regain my trust. She has told me everything and continues to be extremely upset with herself about her actions. As hard as it is for me to process because of what she did I believe that something like this won't happen again. I have made it etremely clear to her that if this ever happens again or she contacts the other guy again the marriage is over.

 

May I ask why you feel this won't happen? Look, it is all well and good that you want to trust this woman, but keep in mind the only thing that stopped her from banging another man was YOU. If you had done nothing, she would of been sleeping with this guy. This wasn't even a situation where she went out with some friends and got drunk and ended up cheating..no, she planned this affair out.

 

She had to be pretty cold and calculating to be living with one man while planning out an affair with another. I notice you say you have made it clear it can't happen again, but for me..you shouldn't have to. The whole idea of getting married is basically saying "I am not going to have sex with anyone but you". I guess I'm just pointing this out because..it's not like before she was unaware that this would be a thing you don't do..she knew.

 

She undrstands what she did and how little respect she showed for me and the marriage.

 

I'm sure your wife knew what she was doing from the second she started this affair. So I hate to be a broken record..but you have to realize that she would of already been aware of what utter disrespect she was showing..and she still planned to sleep with the guy. The only thing that stopped it was her getting caught.

 

What hurts the most is that she never brought the issues she felt to me (wants a deeper emotional connection) and that she fell into this so fast and easily.

 

I understand this pain all too well. It's like..you just think to yourself..you would rather bang some other dude then talk to me about our problems?

 

Thing is..I think if she wanted to save this marriage she wouldn't of been planning to screw some guy.

 

I need to respect myself an demand that respect from her. I just need to figure out how I can process the issues she was having before before this happened while still being so incredibly hurt that she did this. I hope time will make it easier.

 

I hate to say this..but part of respecting yourself is recognizing you need to kick this woman to the curb. Why give her the chance to hurt you again? She has already acted like she doesn't truly love you.

 

If this woman wanted to be with you she would of been in the process of trying to STOP this affair instead of being in the process of trying to kick it into high gear. She got caught so of course she is going to tell you whatever you want to hear, but please don't fall for it.

 

The bottom line is..if she was in love with you she would not be pre planning an affair. Think about that for a second: she planned this out. That is a bit messed up, isn't it? Coming from someone who is supposed to be "in love" with you? It is one thing to make a mistake, but knowingly betraying your spouse is quite another matter.

[Buckeye2]

Do you trust her enough to have kids? If you do you will have to deal with her for at least 18 years no matter what she does.

 

If you want to R, that’s great but don’t go into it with blinders on.

 

I am treating this as if it was a sexual affair.

 

Great. You should.

 

She has told me everything.

 

I’m sure you want to believe this but how do you know? Is it based on her word or how upset she was when you caught her?

 

How good is her word?

 

She continues to be extremely upset with herself about her actions.

 

She was very happy with her actions until she was caught. Her remorse is sincere but it’s because she’s scared for herself and her future.

 

Don’t give her credit for an epiphany where she spontaneously realized what she was planning was wrong. To your wife everything is about her. It was about her pleasure before you caught her and it was about her future and damage control after you did.

 

I believe that something like this won't happen again.

Why? Because she was so upset about being caught?

 

All criminals are very upset when they're presented with proof they can't lie their way out of. If that means they will never do it again then why put anyone in jail?

 

What hurts the most is that she never brought the issues she felt to me (wants a deeper emotional connection) and that she fell into this so fast and easily.

 

So, the emotional connection she had with you wasn't deep enough. To compensate the arranged for a deep emotional connection with a stranger in a fancy hotel? How deeply emotional can a connection be with a stranger and why does it have to happen in a fancy hotel room? To me a fancy hotel sounds like a celebration.

 

Who was paying for the room?

 

I have made it extremely clear to her that if this ever happens again or she contacts the other guy again the marriage is over.

 

So now you’re a policeman for the foreseeable future. Checking up on her is stressful for both of you and a lot of work for you. Make sure she realizes that you are doing her a favor when you check up on her.

Edited August 13, 2014 by Buckeye2