Emotional affair that was about to become sexual

[Twards]

My wife met another man a few weeks ago and started an affair with him. They only interacted in person for a few days and then he had to return to his hometown. They didn't sleep together but the started and intense emotional relationship and continued that online. The talk became more sexual and they decided the would meet up in another city in a few weeks. A fancy hotel was booked and paid for and they explicitly discussed the sex they were going to have.

 

I know this because I randomly stumbled on some of the emails she shared with him and confronted her about it. She seems genuinely regretful and wants to be with me.

 

I don't know if I could forgive a sexual affair and she was definitely going to have sex with him. Does it make any difference that she didn't get the chance?

[fellini]

My wife met another man a few weeks ago and started an affair with him. They only interacted in person for a few days and then he had to return to his hometown. They didn't sleep together but the started and intense emotional relationship and continued that online. The talk became more sexual and they decided the would meet up in another city in a few weeks. A fancy hotel was booked and paid for and they explicitly discussed the sex they were going to have.

 

I know this because I randomly stumbled on some of the emails she shared with him and confronted her about it. She seems genuinely regretful and wants to be with me.

 

I don't know if I could forgive a sexual affair and she was definitely going to have sex with him. Does it make any difference that she didn't get the chance?

 

A WS will show regret: whether it is true or not. "seems genuinely regretful", based on what happened to me, no longer cuts it.

 

The fact that there was an enormous buildup to the PA is something to be very, very careful about.

 

• you should be questioning if it is regret about her actions, or regret that you caught her
  
• you should be careful believing that she can turn off the affair fog so quickly.
  
• you should be careful that this might all be a temporary form of damage control
  
• EVEN if she is "regretful" there is still the issue of flipflop. Once she has it clear you are back on board, she can revisit these huge emotions she is having
  

 

Yes, you should be worried. Not the least, that she did not END it HERSELF, but was "forced" to. This makes things more complicated.

 

If the OM is married, you might need to speak with the OM's spouse in order to have a second set of eyes on him and her

 

If the OM is single (my WS's case) you need to put a lot of vigilance on her every move during the next months, not days, months.

 

Make sure she writes a No Contact letter, that it's worded properly, and that he gets it.

 

Sorry to hear this is happening, but your struggles are just beginning.

[bubbaganoosh]

Ask yourself this. What do you think would have happened if you didn't stumble across the emails she shared with the OM?

 

Do you think they would have met up in some fancy schmancy hotel and play gin rummy?

 

They discussed the sex they were going to have. Then you find out about it and it blows up in her face.

 

Honestly, she was going to have sex with the OM and I think you know that so you have a choice.

 

Either you both go to a MC and work this out but before you go, you better make sure that this isn't a first time deal because if there was other meetings with either him or another guy, then all your doing is putting a band aid on a large wound that needs, cleaned out stitches and healing and MC is in vain.

 

If it was me, I would schedule a polygraph test and find out if this was a one time thing or there was more.

 

If she's as remorseful as you say, she'll oblige you and take it.

[drifter777]

I wholeheartedly agree with previous posters - except the polygraph thing. I think that's just an issue with me because I am confident in my ability to judge truthfulness and/or evasiveness. Your mileage here might vary...

 

Please hear us when we say that a cheater will lie. WW's will do anything they can to minimize things - especially about sex and especially when she is busted by her husband. In these early days/weeks if her mouth is moving just assume she is probably lying and work to verify everything she tells you. It's hard but well worth it because you need to know everything before you even try reconciliation. Getting new facts in bits and pieces over the next year or so (trickle truth) will destroy you and your reconciliation.

 

There is no doubt that she was going to have sex with him but the fact that they didn't get the chance (we all hope!) can make reconciliation easier for a man. If all the truth comes out and she hasn't had sex with this guy or any others since you've been married than at least you won't have those horrible mind-movies of her with other men that can be so damaging to any efforts to reconcile. You have found out she is capable of cheating so dig very hard to find the whole truth.

[Buckeye2]

My wife met another man a few weeks ago and started an affair with him. They only interacted in person for a few days and then he had to return to his hometown. They didn't sleep together.

 

How do you know for sure?

 

The talk became more sexual and they decided they would meet up in another city in a few weeks. A fancy hotel was booked and paid for and they explicitly discussed the sex they were going to have.

 

Think of it this way. You’re planning a vacation to Hawaii. You’ve booked the flight, the hotel and are deliberating with your friend what activities you’re going to participate in while you’re there. Snorkeling or surfing sound like fun.

 

I know this because I randomly stumbled on some of the emails she shared with him and confronted her about it. She seems genuinely regretful and wants to be with me.

 

Someone finds out about your trip and now you never really wanted to go to Hawaii after all. You always just wanted to stay home.

 

The affair was free until you found out and now it’s not worth the price. It’s like having a great time robbing banks. It’s exciting and the money is good. That ends when you’re caught and facing 20 years in jail. No matter how much fun you had you are now “genuinely regretful" with good reason. You don't want to pay the price.

 

Does it make any difference that she didn't get the chance?

 

The only reason she didn’t lie to you about what she was doing in the other city and have great affair sex is that you caught her.

 

The only difference her not having sex might make is if you decide to R. Her not having sex might make R a bit easier on you but it says nothing about her character.

Edited August 8, 2014 by Buckeye2

[Art_Critic]

Does it make any difference that she didn't get the chance?

 

With the written evidence you have that they were talking about the sex they were going to have and the fact that the only reason they didn't exchange bodily fluids was you finding the emails then NO, it wouldn't make a difference.

 

What matters right now is how your wife is acting, does she feel remorse and is she willing to work on why she was going to cheat in the first place ? and are you ready to face the music about your marriage and accept the responsibilities as you playing a part in the issues in your marriage ?

 

Are you willing to go the extra miles as well ?

 

If not and the fact they were going to have sex is a deal breaker then that is your answer to how to proceed.

[SummerDreams]

I'm not trying to justify her but have you considered your side of the fault here? Why did she feel the need to get in an affair with another man? Do you have problems in your marriage? I find weird that you show no emotions, just giving the facts. What do you feel about this situation? Do you love her? Are you willing to understand her and try to fix your relationship? Please tell us more things so we get the whole picture.

[Clay]

How long have you been with her? Do you have kids?

 

If you don't then I would plan on leaving. Staying with a cheater is never worth it. I know people don't want to start all over or they are in love with there mate but the truth is looking at you now. Your the only one that feels that way. She is looking for someone else to share those feelings with and its not you. The reason she wants to fix it now is because she needs a place holder to keep things going until she finds a new one.

 

I stayed. I did just like others did. I hoped it would pass and we would get through it. I was wrong and she did find the man she wanted and it was not me.

 

Every one has issues in their relationships how they deal with them says everything. If cheating is the best answer then clearly leaving is the next best answer to cheating. There are far better women out there.

 

I left seven years ago. I have remarried and my life is great. Don't get me wrong I still have my moments of dealing with the trauma from the past but everything else is really good. My only regret is that I did not divorce my xW sooner.

 

You have to decide what you want in your life.

 

Clay

[Twards]

Thank you all for your responses. I haven't been able to talk to many people about this and this has been very helpful.

 

I don't mean to seem emotionless about this because that is certainly not the case. I found out five days ago now and I have gone through an intense cycle of hurt, shock, anger, and despair.

 

We have been married 4 years and together 7 and we don't have any kids but we were planning on it in the future.

 

She has also been extremely upset and is saying she I willing to do whatever it takes to get me back. although I know that I can't really trust her saying this right now though.

 

I have been monitoring everything she has been doing in the last days. I have access to all her emails and phone. I sat with her as she sent the other man a letter saying she will never contact him again. And based on the evidence, not just what she was saying I am almost certain she had no physical relationship with him.

 

I think you have helped me understand that I need to treat this as though she did have a sexual affair, an fully accept all the hurt that goes along with that.

 

I never thought I would react this way if she cheated but i do still love her. And I feel I would be willing, in time, to accept the things that I could do to change our relationship.

 

This is all so shocking and confusing and I just want to make the right decision.

[beatcuff]

... I just want to make the right decision.

 

and only you can make that decision. and decisions made during emotional turmoil are usually wrong.

 

i suggest you slow down. W is in total defense (panic) mode. if you told her to run naked in the street she would.

 

that also means she is not doing this because she wants to.

 

you need time to decide, i would wait at least a month. you should seek out a MC. the affair is a symptom, you need to determine the root cause then you decide whether to solve it or move on.

[fellini]

I should add that she is not necessarily consciously exploiting the situation. Im sure there are times when the WS actually does feel something like regret, and is on the right path to correct the situation they have found themselves in.

 

The problem is just like a BS has triggers, a WS can equally trigger back into that zone of bliss, without necessarily willfully doing so. This was essentially my situation. Although my WS insisted, and thought it was "over", emotions crept back into her head and taught her that you cannot simply turn off a huge chemical love buzz just because it's "the right thing to do", no more than any of us can fall out of love in a heartbeat.

 

Some, though, probably fake the whole thing and never had any intention of ending their A. This was not my situation so I cannot speak about handling it.

 

A WS will show regret: whether it is true or not. "seems genuinely regretful", based on what happened to me, no longer cuts it.

 

The fact that there was an enormous buildup to the PA is something to be very, very careful about.

 

• you should be questioning if it is regret about her actions, or regret that you caught her
  
• you should be careful believing that she can turn off the affair fog so quickly.
  
• you should be careful that this might all be a temporary form of damage control
  
• EVEN if she is "regretful" there is still the issue of flipflop. Once she has it clear you are back on board, she can revisit these huge emotions she is having
  

 

Yes, you should be worried. Not the least, that she did not END it HERSELF, but was "forced" to. This makes things more complicated.

 

If the OM is married, you might need to speak with the OM's spouse in order to have a second set of eyes on him and her

 

If the OM is single (my WS's case) you need to put a lot of vigilance on her every move during the next months, not days, months.

 

Make sure she writes a No Contact letter, that it's worded properly, and that he gets it.

 

Sorry to hear this is happening, but your struggles are just beginning.

[drifter777]

Thank you all for your responses. I haven't been able to talk to many people about this and this has been very helpful.

 

I don't mean to seem emotionless about this because that is certainly not the case. I found out five days ago now and I have gone through an intense cycle of hurt, shock, anger, and despair.

 

We have been married 4 years and together 7 and we don't have any kids but we were planning on it in the future.

 

She has also been extremely upset and is saying she I willing to do whatever it takes to get me back. although I know that I can't really trust her saying this right now though.

 

I have been monitoring everything she has been doing in the last days. I have access to all her emails and phone. I sat with her as she sent the other man a letter saying she will never contact him again. And based on the evidence, not just what she was saying I am almost certain she had no physical relationship with him.

 

I think you have helped me understand that I need to treat this as though she did have a sexual affair, an fully accept all the hurt that goes along with that.

 

I never thought I would react this way if she cheated but i do still love her. And I feel I would be willing, in time, to accept the things that I could do to change our relationship.

 

This is all so shocking and confusing and I just want to make the right decision.

You don't need to come to any final conclusions yet so stay in spy node. The hunt for the full truth should be high on your priority list right now. You might be able to get more out of her if you offer her "amnesty" - if she comes completely clean now you will stay and try to work things out. If you find out she is lying or withholds any pertinent details then you will file for divorce. Its really difficult to get a WW to come clean - and she will never tell you things she is sure you cannot verify. But its so important that you know what you are facing before you make any decisions on reconciliation or divorce.

 

I always advise men to divorce when their wife has a PA. There are just so many triggers that will start mind movies of her having sex with OM it becomes torture. Reconciliation is painful, hard, and takes forever. And there is no guarantee that you can ever accept that your wife had sex with another man. What you already know she did is really close to physical sex but it's not so I really don't know how to advise you here. Again, verifying the whole truth is the key here.

[atreides]

Some great advice thus far. As you said and to put to point, an affair is an affair.

 

 

I only wanted to comment as to fault as one poster stated, "what did you do to lead her to this"

 

The answer, nothing, it's all on her. Please don't blame yourself and I don't think that you are.

[2sunny]

What indicates she ended it? Did you hear or see her communication with him?

 

 

It may be best to see if any further communications happen.

 

What has she been doing that indicates to you she's willing to repair the damage she's caused to you/your marriage?

[bubbaganoosh]

I'm not trying to justify her but have you considered your side of the fault here? Why did she feel the need to get in an affair with another man? Do you have problems in your marriage? I find weird that you show no emotions, just giving the facts. What do you feel about this situation? Do you love her? Are you willing to understand her and try to fix your relationship? Please tell us more things so we get the whole picture.

 

Yes he might be responsible for 50% of the problems they have or might have and she has to take the other 50%.

 

But when it comes to her going off with another man for a night of sex then she and only she takes 100% blame for that.

 

If she wasn't happy in the marriage then she had many choices including divorce if need be but she DIDN'T have the right to arrange a meeting for sex and cheating with another guy. That's her baggage and she has to deal with it.

 

She was wrong and now she's facing the consequences for it, whatever it may be and IMO, she's showing remorse only for the fact that she got caught with her hand in the till.

[No Limit]

She seems genuinely regretful

 

...that she was caught before she could get a taste of OM.

[Buckeye2]

"A”

 

My wife met another man a few weeksago...they decided they would meet up in another city in a few weeks. A fancyhotel was booked and paid for and they explicitly discussed the sex they weregoing to have.

 

 

“B”

 

We don't have any kids but we were planning on it in the future. She has also been extremely upset and is saying she I willing to do whatever it takes to get me back.

 

 

How can she go from “A” to “B’ in an instant because she got caught?

 

 

Is it because getting caught made her realize how much she truly loves you?

 

 

Or is it because she doesn’t want to pay the price for the affair?

 

 

"B" She is telling you that she wants children with you and wants to spend the rest of her life with you. Your relationship is so important to her that she is willing to do anything to keep you.

 

 

"A" Yet she wanted a fun weekend with a stranger so much that she was willing to risk it all.

 

 

The only way “A” and “B” can be true at the same time is that she wants to keep you as the beta provider nice guy and have fun alpha males on the side.

 

 

She’s in a panic because she doesn’t want to lose the stability you provide. She may love you but more like a brother.

 

 

You need to do the 180, expose and at least threaten divorce. If you just take her back because she is sorry, with no repercussions, why wouldn’t she try it again?

 

 

Your wife moved pretty fast with this guy she just met and you found out by accident. How do you know that she hasn't done this with another guy before?

Edited August 9, 2014 by Buckeye2

[SummerDreams]

I only wanted to comment as to fault as one poster stated, "what did you do to lead her to this"

 

The answer, nothing, it's all on her. Please don't blame yourself and I don't think that you are.

 

Yes he might be responsible for 50% of the problems they have or might have and she has to take the other 50%.

 

But when it comes to her going off with another man for a night of sex then she and only she takes 100% blame for that.

 

 

No blame is all on one person in a relationship. Even when someone is abusive, the one who accepts it and stays is to blame as well, less of course but still. Someone who will deny all the blame in a relationship is someone who won't be able to solve its problems. I understand the pain and hurt the OP is in, but since he says he loves his wife he can't look at it with cold eyes and deal with it like a cold lawyer would (she is guilty, take her to jail), rather than with the mood to understand her and try to make her understand his pain so they can fix this. What I'm saying is that the couple now more than ever has to communicate and figure out why this happened and how they can prevent it from happening more than find the punishment for it.

[Buckeye2]

You need to do the 180, expose and at least threaten divorce.

 

 

The above is the way to go if you want to divorce her or keep her. Being the understanding nice guy will only get you more of the same. Being more alpha is the way to go. It may turn her on.

 

 

You can go online and get preliminary divorce papers for your state. Print them out even if it's just for show. You're a prize. Make her work for you.

Edited August 9, 2014 by Buckeye2

[SummerDreams]

The above is the way to go if you want to ... keep her. Being the understanding nice guy will only get you more of the same. Being more alpha is the way to go. It may turn her on..

 

I would rather die than stay in a marriage where I'd have to pretend to be someone else than who I am to keep my husband and "turn him on" by this fake behavior (and vice versa). This advise is for couples who are not willing to actually try and work for the relationship as a team and not as opponents. It's for people who think of the relationship as a battlefield where they win or lose. Mature and serious people understand than all relationships have ups and down and are willing to make sacrifices and compromises, small or big changes, to make them work.

[herself]

People that have affairs don't always do so because they don't love their spouse or that they are snakes lacking character.

Often they are having deep seated issues, are lonely, are seeking validation.

But on the ow/om page you will see many including myself (had an EA) who were deeply in love with their spouse (no need for someone to lie about that on an anonymous website). To this day my husband can still give me butterflies and melt my heart 15 years later. I love him from the depths of my soul and would never leave him..but had an ea because a coworker made me feel wanted, I was abandoned by my father when I was 4, I had a need for love, love, and more love and validation.

I was not in love with EAP...I wanted his love and desire though. It was filling a void and I had it compartmentalized....it was so seperate from my husband...like another world.

Maybe your wifes reasons were different but since she was so sloppy and not careful to hide or delete emails, my gut says its her first and she got swept up and was naive and realizes now how seriously you were hurt and how serious you were.

[DKT3]

People that have affairs don't always do so because they don't love their spouse or that they are snakes lacking character.

Often they are having deep seated issues, are lonely, are seeking validation.

But on the ow/om page you will see many including myself (had an EA) who were deeply in love with their spouse (no need for someone to lie about that on an anonymous website). To this day my husband can still give me butterflies and melt my heart 15 years later. I love him from the depths of my soul and would never leave him..but had an ea because a coworker made me feel wanted, I was abandoned by my father when I was 4, I had a need for love, love, and more love and validation.

I was not in love with EAP...I wanted his love and desire though. It was filling a void and I had it compartmentalized....it was so seperate from my husband...like another world.

Maybe your wifes reasons were different but since she was so sloppy and not careful to hide or delete emails, my gut says its her first and she got swept up and was naive and realizes now how seriously you were hurt and how serious you were.

 

This is an interesting POV, and the same one that my WW had. I didn't buy into her story. I think the true is she took me for granted. In part because she felt that no matter what she did I would accept her back and never leave, second part was when she go involved losing me did seem so bad, so what she was doing was ok.

 

I don't know your story, though I've read bits of it, in my wifes case the end is when she was all of a sudden soooo deeply in love with me. During her affair, not so much. Like you I doubt she would have ever left.

 

Point is all affairs come from the same place no matter how you dress it up, a lack of respect for your partner, taking them for granted, and selfishness. Put a totu and lipstick on that pig and she will still roll in the mud.

[Bryanp]

If the roles had been reversed would she have been so accepting and forgiving as you? She has disrespected you and your marriage and was all set to screw this guy behind your back and put your health at risk for STD's.

 

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?

[Man Mountain Makino]

I know this because I randomly stumbled on some of the emails she shared with him and confronted her about it. She seems genuinely regretful and wants to be with me.

You're a better man than I am. The only reason it didn't happen was because she got busted.

[bubbaganoosh]

No blame is all on one person in a relationship. Even when someone is abusive, the one who accepts it and stays is to blame as well, less of course but still. Someone who will deny all the blame in a relationship is someone who won't be able to solve its problems. I understand the pain and hurt the OP is in, but since he says he loves his wife he can't look at it with cold eyes and deal with it like a cold lawyer would (she is guilty, take her to jail), rather than with the mood to understand her and try to make her understand his pain so they can fix this. What I'm saying is that the couple now more than ever has to communicate and figure out why this happened and how they can prevent it from happening more than find the punishment for it.

 

He's looking at it like she had the affair and with good reason. If he didn't find out about it she would have gone ahead with her meeting with the other guy.

 

It boils down to this. She betrayed her husband and he's lost all the trust he had for her.

 

If she lied to him before then why should he believe wholeheartedly that she's remorseful?

 

What he is now become is cautious and wary of her because there is no trust and it's up to her to do the heavy lifting and prove to him she's sorry, not the other way around and it's his decision to whether or not he wants to continue.