Getting deeper but still very little sparks :(

[genuinelyloverly7]

Hi everyone- after a few false starts and almost a year to work on myself and heal, I'm starting to date seriously now for the first time. For the first time since my emotional divorce from my long term partner, and also really my first time ever dating seriously. I'll clarify that by saying that before now I was either in a relationship or single- once I met someone I was "with them" in my mind until it ended. I think I have a weird way in which my mind perceives the defining edges of things- Time, physical matter, personal relationships... (And romance novels- ack! I'll just say they are NOT for pre-teen girls!) Anyway, so I'm exploring dating in its truest sense now, by trying to get to know a person before jumping into a relationship with them, or even the sack. And I'm loving it!

I've met a gentleman who I really enjoy spending time with. We have our differences, which so far haven't really become an issue in the day to day (he is Christian and I am a Pagan), by which I mean we both have the same general values of being decent people, but there are some differences that he thinks isn't a big deal and that I have let go of for the moment, to see how I might be potentially misjudging him and/or his beliefs. Specifically, I am bi and believe that you are born with your preferences, and he has a personal belief that it is a choice that people make. That is a simplification of the issue as an example of our differences (and I'm into green and organics and yadda yadda, and he is telling me about his work in the oil industry- we live in Tx, so it wasn't something I was surprised by)

 

My point there is that so far, despite these differences, we get along very well. We talk about similar issues, we enjoy doing a fair amount of the same things, and we have some pretty hot sack time- we both know what we are doing there, that's for sure.

 

So what is my problem? It's not the potential longer term differences; I believe those will manifest themselves and be part of what determines the success of the relationship, as it supposed to. But my problem is that I get no sparks when I think of him- he doesn't get me hot. When we are in bed, he can get me hot. I enjoy him, on multiple levels of his being, and his physicality is part of that. But it's not growing on me.

He isn't what I'd usually consider a "super physically attractive guy", though there are things about him I find attractive. (He is hot like Martin Lawrence, and I usually go for LL Cool J). When we first met, I saw those attractive parts of his physical make-up and figured that the rest of what I perceived as other than what I usually go for wouldn't matter once I got to know him and his great personality. And it is great- he is generous, warm, funny, caring, gentle, supportive, creative, intelligent, ambitious, and kind. My dogs and cats like him. My BFF says he seems really nice (we live almost an hour and a half away from one another, so she has only met him once). Though she did say that he didn't seem like someone who would be my best match in the long run (based on instinct alone, she admits).

 

We have been seeing each other now for two months. He is ready to be serious (he has mentioned that he feels I could be the one, in various figures of speech), while I have told him repeatedly that I'm still figuring out if I'm emotionally ready to get serious (he knows all about my past relationships). I want to give us a chance but don't want to string him along and later realize the spark will never come...

 

Maybe I don't feel him because he isn't "the One", or maybe it's the physical, as I worry it could be (no-one wants to be so seemingly shallow in their decision making- I don't anyway) or maybe I'm not ready to get attached emotionally, and I'm subconsciously making excuses. I'd love some insight into which of these potential issues is really coming to bear.

[daisydook]

Hey there!!!

 

When I signed on to LS, it was after a year of being single, and I had started dating seriously again. The relationship progressed very quickly, and feelings were flying everywhere. There is still a passion between us that is amazing, and I really do love that we worked through some of the weird emotions we had, or that I had, and communicated openly. He came on very strong, fell for me hard right away, and told me he wanted to be exclusive the day we finally met. We had started talking online a few weeks previous. We met a few days before Christmas, and have been together since.

 

I had a lot of issues around feeling guilty about being happy with someone else. Initially, I felt regret over leaving, then it turned to guilt over the next year. That even finally went away and I felt nothing but indifference. I hoped he was well. I wanted to move on. I felt guilty for moving on when I finally did though! I felt a lot of different things, and none of them I could truly put into words. I, at times questioned whether I was ready to date, but at the same time, I felt very ready to share my life with someone, and I wasn't wrong. Just a minor glitch! I opened my account here, before I actually met him in person. Just the online, over the phone and texting had me weak in the knees. I was blown away by this man I had just met, and had fallen for him. HARD! I don't even think I liked my ex that much, that quickly. Lol.

 

I reminded myself I deserved this, I deserved happiness, I deserved a man who loved me and even if I was scared, I would love him anyway, dream it anyway, and build it anyway. It wasnt worth doing unless I was all in

 

I was creating what I feared, or was on a fast track to doing so, if I didn't confront the issue at the beginning. I allowed myself to date and gave myself permission to simply be happy and enjoy what was happening to me.

 

I will not allow what happened with one man dictate what happens with everyone. In coming here and reading through posts of people who have been cheated on, I realized my emotions were never out of place, I was right where I should have been emotionally, and wasn't giving myself credit for what I did do and what I have gone through. I should still be a god damn train wreck! I am only a partial train wreck now!!! Look at me go! I have my moments!!!!

 

I was just so confused, and I had spent a year single to address these problems, only to have them resurface and show face again, when I started to think of another man in a positive light. I never once thought about leaving or turning my back to try to reconcile. I never felt THAT guilty! Bahaha. I love my BF to bits and I would just be devastated if he weren't in my life. I have no feelings around wanting to go back to my ex. I don't even want him as a friend in my life. I have found myself here, trying to work through the thoughts in my head, because I know how illogical and irrational they are. I did not make a mistake in starting to date again. It would have been a mistake not to date him. I found a really amazing guy and I am damn proud of him. He is special to me, and I am a really lucky girl.

 

So stick around, come here to post, and share with us. There are amazing people around here who have been through the ringer and back, and some who are going through it all currently. I would also read around and take a peak at others stories, and you may just find a few people in your shoes. It does help to know you aren't the only one sometimes. Sometimes, all it is, is trying to work through emotions and thoughts you have around the issue and talk it out with a few friends (here!) Sometimes there are other, larger fundamental problems. It sounds like you may just be freaking out a little bit inside. I do not know what happened in your past, but I think you need to give yourself the green light to be happy.

 

Of course there is the possibility that you aren't ready, the spark isn't there, or that you are just freaking out a little bit. He sounds like a really decent guy, and I don't know if you have met the people of the world, but keep a decent guy around if you have one in your corner. Try to work through the emotions to figure out WHY you're feeling so detached from him. Maybe he isn't LL enough for you and that IS okay. Don't string him along, but at the same time, don't give up yet either. It sounds like you are a little confused and I don't want you to make a decision to end it and regret it when you realize you were just freaking out.

 

xo Daisy

[smackie9]

You are going to have to be honest with him, like really honest. If you are not on the same page with him, this will go sideways soon enough. You will start to feel pressure from him, and you are going to pull back.

 

I'm a true believer that if you don't feel it in the beginning then don't get involved.

[genuinelyloverly7]

I find myself agreeing with both of these responses. As you experienced, daisy, some of these things can only come up in relationship- it must be healed in process. I thought I "believed" that I was worthy, until someone came along and said it to me, and my automatic response was not really an agreement. I have been working on this consciously and he knows and supports that.

I continue to enjoy our similarities and even the differences- I am beginning to believe that he has an emotional maturity that I lack on certain levels, and he is showing me how to develop that. As well, he is listening to my knowledge of certain ways of being in relationship, and I think, learning from them also.

As it relates to the physical differences between my ideal preference and the real man I am growing to care for, I still don't know! I fully believe that you should be hot for your partner. Should they always be so hot that you'd have a one-night stand with them, if nothing else? I mean, does your life partner need to be a 9-10 in the looks department (as detirmined by your own personal preferences)? Or does the other stuff matter more than looks when contemplating forever?

[genuinelyloverly7]

Well I've been thinking about this a lot, of course, and I've still been feeling divided over what to do, though I'm beginning to get that old, I just don't want to hurt him feeling... So I think that is guiding me to realize that even though I'm developing a close and even super sexy friendship with this guy, it's not turning into romantic love like he deserves.

 

I experimented with letting the spark catch up to the logic (he is so great! The sizzle was a part of my flawed decision making about men in the past, so I should let it go...) but it hasn't. I tried letting go of my fears of committing to him (I recently agreed that I was, in some sense of the word, his woman), and even though that is recent, it feels more like a passive allowing than a falling into permission for happiness.

 

So there is the lack if spark. It might be something that could be built around, though I'm not going to do that.

 

But then there is the fundamental belief differences. He believes it's wrong to be gay. His view is that he would never be mean to someone about it, but it doesn't change his fundamental belief that it is wrong. And I'm bisexual and so much more! So how could that work long term? He is more financially focused than I am. Granted, I want some more financial savvy in my life, but I don't want to compromise or change my beliefs to get more comfortable...

 

So there it is- fundamental differences and a basic lack of spark for him on my part. I guess the choice is clear. But that means losing a new and good friend and person who want to cheer me on... I know, how selfish! But it's the first time I've really ever had that and it feels so nice. I'll take from it that I DO deserve it from a partner, and now I know what it looks and feels like. Thanks, B man!!!

 

I'm seeing him this weekend- how should I break it off? We usually hang out for a few days at my place (I live a ways away from everything so we usually just walk in the woods with my dogs, or watch movies and have sex...) so should I have the talk before we go to my house, and hang out? Or after the weekend? Should I meet him somewhere public (his car was stolen, so he would have to take public transportation home after...) or talk at his house (he lives in apartment where everyone he knows would hear/see...) or what? I'm meeting him this afternoon...

[smackie9]

Just say you are a great guy but my feelings are not progressing so I feel it is only fair to end it.....it's not working out sorry.

[genuinelyloverly7]

Well, the day of the 10th we were hanging out and all of a sudden he asked how I felt about him. We've been really open about our feelings and his communication on that level is great, so I told him how I felt. I said that I feel deeply for him as a friend and I guess as a fwb, because of out great sex, but that the feeling of romance isn't there within me for him. Which I now feel totally stupid about, seeing as how he is such a great guy in a lot of ways. He let me cry it out that day, over what I perceived as the end of the relationship.

 

But he wanted to keep talking it out, was willing to keep working with me to figure out why I felt a numbness where I figured something would have bloomed under his attentions by that point. He showed me a text he had sent to a friend about me and my issues and why he was thinking of leaving. My emotional issues being a small last on that list. Well, seeing how he viewed my life, I have been motivated to work on the issues he mentioned; it made me realize that I still have a little patching up to do on my end before I bring in someone else.

 

We did see each other the next weekend (this last weekend) and it was a tad surreal. It went fine, the usual way (without the nooky because I was sick) but then my dad came into town earlier than I thought and popped in so he actually met my dad last weekend, before he went home.

 

And then talking and texting (we both prefer text because it's hard to hear on my phone) was the usual until last night and bam! he said he was ready to let me go to find someone I could fall in love with, and I knew I couldn't keep trying to figure out my feelings at the expense of his, so I told him I needed to work on myself, obviously. And then this morning I just told him I hoped that we could not end it on such a casual soundin text, and he said that we could still be friends. I said okay, but that I was going to let him contact me, so that I wasn't sending crazy signals and stuff...

 

I felt sad and cried this morning over the loss of him as he was in my life, but I just couldn't give back what he deserves. I hope that I get my **** together soon enough that if he was the one and I am too messed up to know it now, that by the time I figure it out he isn't already snatched up. Basically I wish him the best, and me the best.

Edited August 21, 2014 by genuinelyloverly7
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[smackie9]

Wow you both were very courageous to bring it all to the table and realize what was best. It was a healthy step. I wish you well.