Beth__1803 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Hi all. Let me introduce myself first. I'm a 20 year-old girl from Hong Kong. Sorry if my English isn't good. I've met a guy on a dating app recently. He's a 25 year-old guy from United Kingdom and he's now living in Hong Kong. He asked me out and the dates went on well. He's cute, nice and polite, and he respects out cultural difference. The only problem was we didn't have much to talk about. He's kind of shy and he enjoyed silence. After 3 dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him quite a lot so I said yes. But then the problem started to upset me more and more. For example, when I texted him and tried to tell him how my day was , he was like "oh nice / cool / i see" etc., which really upset me. He never called me. He barely was the one who initiated the conversation on Whatsapp. I haven't seen him since last Saturday, which is quite a long time to me. He said he would be busy this weekend and he didn't want to hang out during weekdays as he would be tired after a day of working. But I really want to see him. I don't want to be demanding like shouting at him for not talking to me. I do want him to spend more time on me although he claimed that he had already given me loads of attention. What should I do now? What can I do to make him talk to me more? If he doesn't talk much, is that because he's not a talkative guy, or he's simply not interested in me?
PegNosePete Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 You can't make him give you more attention. You can't control other people's actions. It could be that he is a quiet guy, it could be that his interest is low, it could be he is busy with work, etc. It could be many things. But the fact is that he is unable or unwilling to meet your relationship needs. So you have a choice, you can either accept this, or you can find someone who is able to meet your needs.
Author Beth__1803 Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 You can't make him give you more attention. You can't control other people's actions. It could be that he is a quiet guy, it could be that his interest is low, it could be he is busy with work, etc. It could be many things. But the fact is that he is unable or unwilling to meet your relationship needs. So you have a choice, you can either accept this, or you can find someone who is able to meet your needs. I really like him a lot and I don't want to leave him. But at the same time I'm always upset because of the emotional distance. I really don't know what I can / should do
Poppygoodwill Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 It seems to me that what is normal in the beginning of a relationship is that both people want to spend time together. Instead of telling you that he's busy, he should be finding ways to make time to see you. That goes the same for texting and calling, etc. So if I were in your shoes, alarm bells would be going off too. I would think that, despite asking me to be his girlfriend, he's not actually that intersted. Or put it another way: he might want a girlfriend, but might not be wiling to actually do what it takes to keep one - which means find time in your busy day to be in touch adn make the person feel special. There is a rule in life: people do what they want to do. If he wanted to talk to you, he would. You can try to encourage him, or show him how his actions impact on you by telling him how you feel. Be specific. If you want to see him more frequently, then tell him how much. If you want to talk every day, then tell him, "this is my expectation." Then he will choose what he wants to do. If he wants to keep you in his life, he will change his behaviour. If he doesn't, then you know that you two are not a good match and you should move on. As someone else said: you can't change another person's behaviour. They have to do it themselves. You can only be clear about what you want/expect and hope they do it.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 He doesn't actually seem as though he wants or has the time for a relationship. I would talk to him about it once, and then if nothing improves, I'd move on. You might just not be compatible and there's no point fighting an uphill battle, particularly in such a young relationship. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Quiet is different from being unwilling or unable to initiate contact. If your gripe is that he doesn't call you enough gently mention to him that you would like it if he called you more. 1
Els Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Correct me if I'm wrong, but your post implies you have told him about it and he said 'he's already given you loads of attention', hence he doesn't intend to compromise. In that case I think you should cut your losses. It's still early and this should be the honeymoon phase for you. If you're having trouble with the amount of contact he initiates NOW, you're going to be unhappy for the duration of your R. 2
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Hi all. Let me introduce myself first. I'm a 20 year-old girl from Hong Kong. Sorry if my English isn't good. I've met a guy on a dating app recently. He's a 25 year-old guy from United Kingdom and he's now living in Hong Kong. He asked me out and the dates went on well. He's cute, nice and polite, and he respects out cultural difference. The only problem was we didn't have much to talk about. He's kind of shy and he enjoyed silence. After 3 dates, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I liked him quite a lot so I said yes. But then the problem started to upset me more and more. For example, when I texted him and tried to tell him how my day was , he was like "oh nice / cool / i see" etc., which really upset me. He never called me. He barely was the one who initiated the conversation on Whatsapp. I haven't seen him since last Saturday, which is quite a long time to me. He said he would be busy this weekend and he didn't want to hang out during weekdays as he would be tired after a day of working. But I really want to see him. I don't want to be demanding like shouting at him for not talking to me. I do want him to spend more time on me although he claimed that he had already given me loads of attention. What should I do now? What can I do to make him talk to me more? If he doesn't talk much, is that because he's not a talkative guy, or he's simply not interested in me? First of all, your English is excellent! You're doing better than most English speakers in using proper spelling and grammar Secondly, it's hard to tell why he's being quiet. That could just be his thing, he might not like texting, or he might not really be into the relationship. The only way to know is if you speak to him (in person) and ask.
guest569 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 It sounds to me like it is pretty much over already... I'm painfully shy but texting how my day was or initiating a text is quite easy. Sure on first dates with my ex i was petrified and talking was difficult. But if he has the courage to ask you to be his gf im sure he can manage basic contact... And if he is just a low contact type you cant change him
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