my girlfriend's depression is getting in the way of our already shaky relationship

[heyitsmike]

My girlfriend and me had been happily dating for 15 months (as of this June). She is a biology major/chemistry minor who has 3 semesters left in college and is studying to become a physician’s assistant. I graduated from the same school where we met in august of 2013, and I live within an hour of the college.

 

After a week of weird behavior and being distant from her, she sat me down and told me her upcoming workload with school in addition to other career related activities (volunteer ambulance / potential doctor shadowing) would make her incapable of handling a relationship. I did my best impression to remain calm and supportive of her telling her I’d always be there for her and respected her decision. The 2 weeks following that break up we had mutually gone back and forth discussing whether to be together or not. There’d be 3-4 days of optimistic "I miss you and hope you can see us being together someday talk," to "I got ahead of myself. (Her words)" so once again she told me it was over. That same night I get a text message from her saying "I miss you" and that she was in excruciating physical pain (unrelated abdominal pain). I told her "you can’t say those things (like I miss you). These are the consequences of making the decision you did by ending this relationship." we were on the phone for 30 minutes and the pain would not subside to the point where she was crying. Trying to be a decent person I thought to myself "at least you can say you helped her out as a friend, like any good person would do," so I offered to drive to her place and take care of her/ go to the hospital if necessary. We ended up talking the whole night and she confided in me that she realized she really needs me in her life and wanted to take things slow. Naturally I'm a pretty rational person, so I thought to myself, "yes it's been a grueling back-and-forth process, but this might be the test to see if this relationship is going to work or not." I said yes and we've been at this point for a month now.

 

Some of the problems I'm having are natural trust issues (whether or not she'll break up with me once she starts school this fall). I also feel like I'm viewing all of her actions under a tight microscope and taking them to heart. I understand taking things slow requires some patience and even a bit of space, but I cant help but wonder how long this will take to subside or what I can do to help get things back to normal. Also recently she's been suffering from a bit of depression stemming from multiple things (potential school workload, impending death of an aunt, and even hurting me again) this has resulted in some back and forth behavior of her in terms of mood, but for depression that's a common symptom. I've tried my absolute best with being on the top of my "relationship game," putting in extra effort and I even tried to help her with her depression by writing her a brief letter to remind herself of all the good she does with her life and how good of a person I see her as (which she really loved and appreciated). I know depression is something that often times can’t be cured with help from others, but a process she will have to heal go through herself. It pains me to express all of the "bad" things her and myself have gone through these past 2 months, but it’s what is truly bothering me (no matter how I spin the story). I also find myself getting jealous about other guys pursuing her since we took our relationship off facebook, potentially giving them the wrong idea. In my mind putting the relationship back on facebook would honestly give me a better sense of security without having to wonder if every guy friend she has (quite a lot) is a threat and is looking to pursue her.

 

These are all signs of an insecure person, and I realize this. I’ve just never found myself in this kind of “in-between” stage in any of my past relationships, and from that uncertainty stems this insecurity. I really love this girl, and I know hearing these negative things forms a similar opinion in your mind, but to anyone who has ever been in a meaningful relationship in the past, you must humor me when I tell you she is one of the most genuine people I've ever met and in the past has taken such amazing care of me. So I find myself reaching out in hopes of getting another person to analyze this situation and to potentially help me out with the worries and occasional anxiety I’m experiencing. Also any advice as to what I can do for not only this relationship, but also myself would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[ktya]

I don't think that the depression is the key issue, only an aggravating factor.

 

I think that the key is her workload is too high and she is burning out trying to do it all and make everyone happy.

 

That can lead to depression in and of itself my sister got caught in that trap and attempted suicide.

 

The advice I would give to you is if you want her in your life is to sit down with her and explain that you understand she is overloaded. Tell her you are happy to give her as much space as she needs but you would like to maybe find a time in her schedule on a weekly basis that is "your together time " and under no non emergency circumstances will you break that engagement. If she would like to see you at other times she can let you know and if you have no other plans you would be happy to - but if you have plans with friends that you will stick to them as you can't drop everything instantly on a whim.

 

This would give her room to get her busy schedule done and let her know all she has to do to make you happy is to make that one regular engagement each week, taking off the pressure.

 

See how that works

[Dork Vader]

Kty is spot on..

 

The only thing I would add is that you are going to have to be flexible with her. It might take time to figure out the "us time" as she figures out her schedule. Flexibility and understanding is going to be key here..

Edited August 8, 2014 by Dork Vader

[yxalitis]

I disagree with the above responder.

 

I have lived with my wife's depression for 10 years.

There is no rational reason for depression, everyone has problems in their life, but depressed people use these as excuses for the way they feel.

 

Go to a poor Africa village where people struggle to survive, you will find no cases of "depression" there.

 

Depression is a complicated set of symptoms caused by a huge variety of factors, being "busy" is not one of them.

 

I would caution the OP that what he is describing as "depression" is unlikely to be so, more just a young girl coping with the workloads of a demanding uni course like, you k ow, every single uni student who isn't just bludging in 1st year. (Bludging is an Australian term for slacking off).

 

What it SOUNDS lie to me is that your GF isn't really that into you, but finds comfort and solace from you.

 

You either accept that, and take with it the possibility that she'll end up leaving you, or you make the cut now.

 

I don't see this lasting either way.

[todreaminblue]

an over achiever on burn out needs relaxation and care......what the above posters is said is true......i would add it should be some of her work load she drops not you for you seem to make her happy as you stated you have been happily dating for a while...its the work load thats the problem..........deb

[heyitsmike]

the workload is the problem but she is super focused on her schoolwork and that has always come first, as it should. putting yourself first is always important, which is why its difficult for me to fix this problem by removing that added stress for her. i am just unsure of how to bring up in a conversation about working around that workload for "us" time like the post by ktya said. I'm unsure of how to steadily progress our relationship, while shes depressed for fear that i will push her away

Edited August 8, 2014 by heyitsmike

[todreaminblue]

the workload is the problem but she is super focused on her schoolwork and that has always come first, as it should. putting yourself first is always important, which is why its difficult for me to fix this problem by removing that added stress for her. i am just unsure of how to bring up in a conversation about working around that workload for "us" time like the post by ktya said. I'm unsure of how to steadily progress our relationship, while shes depressed for fear that i will push her away

 

 

i think you should sit down and write a time table together......not only will she see whee time is lacking but exactly why she is burning out......include food.....rest ....showers even include the lot......do it on a week a busy week...and work on it together fi she sees it in black and white it just may come apparent to her where the burn out is happening and why she needs to change it ...it will also give her an idea of why her depression is coming on if you can pin point days it did...then work out qa schedule that allows for necessary down time make yours and hers part of that down time together so you are associated with the best times of calm and rest not the worst times of stress and worry........good luck..ps remember to include things she isnt abel to get doen by relaxing soem fo the workl load....get her to talk to her lecturers or teachers to work out a more flexible schedule.......deb