pesoneto Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Okay this will be sort of long so ill apologize before hand, but someone please hear me out. I need some advice BAD and im too ashamed to talk to family and friends about my situation so here goes... I just recently got married mid Jan of this year. My husband and I have been together for 5 year this Sept and have a 4 year old son together. Our relationship was pretty much hell from the start (or at least after I found out I was pregnant). I basically went through my pregnancy alone,but we were both young and immature (18 and 19) so over the years I have been able to forgive him. However, as I mentioned before our relationship has been bad from the start. The majority of our relationship he has been unemployed (due to him getting fired and not having a HS diploma), I've endured tons of emotional abuse, he got addicted to drugs, and would steal money and constantly lie to me. He is rude and very standoffish to my family when they have done nothing to him. My father is the military and has made several attempts to try to form some sort of relationship with him, help him and give him advice, but my husband will not even try. I gained tons of weight, and stopped caring about my health and appearance. I distant myself from my family and friends due to the embarrassment of my situation. It was just a very terrible time for me, yet I still hung on and thought that eventually things would get better. Surprisingly they did. After almost 3 years he finally completed HS and managed to get into the Army this past Jan. We got married Dec 2013 and I was just soooo excited about our future together and proud of him for finally getting his life on track. So he left in Jan to bootcamp and things were great. We wrote each other everyday and anytime he got a chance to call he would. I finally felt like our lives were getting on the right track. Then the crap started once again. As soon as he graduated bootcamp he started spending money like crazy then lying about it. I almost couldn't come see him graduate because he managed to run through everything I had saved for the trip to see him in a matter of 2 weeks....I had to borrow money from my parents for the 100th time...it was so embarrassing...and you know what? My husband did not even have the decency to call my father and thank him....My father had bailed us out numerous time when my husband was being a selfish jerk, buying drugs and video games and do you think he ever called my father to thank him for all the money he's loaned us? NO. So lets just say my trip to see him graduate wasn't as wonderful as I had expected it to be. So he's been in AIT for about 4 months now and we have gotten in to many fights over the phone and I even brought up divorce. One of our arguments got pretty bad. He called me every name in the book, told me I was nobody and would be nothing without him if I left.....How could he say those things too me? After everything I put up with when he was on drugs, stealing money from me and lying! I basically took care of him like an idiot! Now that Im a stay at home wife and he's FINALLY working he thinks its okay to throw it in my face and treat me like ****? So after constant fights over money he finally decided to compromise and give me full control over finances. So lets just say that things have been pretty OK lately.....but last month I met someone. I know im going to get scolded but nothing physical has happened. The guy I met is not perfect but I have never felt what im feeling for him with my husband EVER. We like the same things, we have the same sense of humor, he's very family oriented and very mature...basically the complete opposite of my husband. Now Im having second thoughts about moving away with my husband to his duty station when the time comes. Talking to him has made me realize how unhappy I have been with my husband. Even though my husband has a cell phone he almost NEVER calls me during the day. He sends the occasional text but he never attempts to have any sort of conversation with me on the phone...I don't suspect him to be cheating but he just doesn't show any genuine interest in my life or our sons. I know he loves us otherwise he would have never allowed me to be in control of all of his money. Well anyway this guy calls me WAY more than my husband and I have tried numerous times to cut him off but I cant stop talking to him...I've never felt this alive with anyone. With my husband I've always felt lonely... We could be in the same room together and I still felt alone....I am so confused guys. Am I feeling this way because I met a new man? or has this new man just made me realize how unhappy I am? I see nothing but I life of loneliness and possibly depression if I move away from my hometown to be with my husband in another state. He's distant with me now so I don't think it will get any better when we move in together. I am just very unhappy with him. All these years ive forced myself to be happy. I wanted my child to have both parents like I had. I wanted us to have a family, but now that I finally have it I don't want it....what is wrong with me. Please help.
Smilecharmer Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Do not start an affair. Do not do it. You will be someone who broke her vows and betrayed your child's father. If you are unhappy, tell your husband you want to divorce first and do not see this man until your husband is aware you are moving on. 3
jackslife Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 In answer to your first question. Should you divorce or try to make it work? Divorce, divorce, divorce. You are in a toxic marriage with a very unpleasant individual. Get the hell out and divorce. Get back in touch with family and friends (it's amazing how forgiving people are) Do not have an affair, that is papering over the cracks and will end in misery. End it, end it, end it. Once you are out of it you can start dating - you have been made miserable for far too long. This man and this marriage are simply not worth the effort of trying to make it work. 2
d0nnivain Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 Why did you get married? If this sucked before you tied the not, what made you think it would get better? When you got married what were you thinking when you said your vows -- you know those promises you made about better or worse, in good times & in bad, 'till death do you part? Since you got married & it's only been 8 months. If your husband is now in the military, there are services available to you that may help you strengthen your marriage. He may also be on track to grow up. Get some joint financial counseling. Get some marriage counseling. Start taking care of yourself. Ending a marriage because you are unhappy without at least trying to fix it seems like you are just throwing in the towel. A good relationship is work & the 1st year of marriage is an adjustment. 1
Turtles Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 My take on it is you should not move away from your family... you are going to be miserable over there and it will be much harder to leave. This is your opportunity to make a relatively clean break with your husband who seems like a complete loser, go ahead and take it! But don't do anything with the other guy until you have filed for divorce... if he is a gentleman and a family man he will wait. I know it sucks because when you got married you had this dream of raising the child together... and normally I would encourage you to try harder to make it work, but in your case there may not be another chance to leave this easily again. 1
Poppygoodwill Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 YOu're unhappy and finding someone with whom you have the idea you could be happy, has turned your head. I agree with the others. If you are that unhappy in your marriage, you should get out of it. Or perhaps you can ease out of it by deciding not to move away from your support base to follow him. I think best thing in the world is to stay close to home and let things play out a little. See how they go with your husband. YOu might find it settles down and works out. Or you might find that distance does not make your heart grow fonder. Either way, you need your family and support around you. Without that, you'll be in real trouble in a bad marraige. In the meantime, stay away from this new guy. He's a distraction from the real issue: your unhappiness and your marriage which doesn't seem to be working. Focus on your life and marriage. Figure that out. If it fails, then down the road you can pursue this other guy. With a clear conscience. 1
Author pesoneto Posted August 12, 2014 Author Posted August 12, 2014 Thank you so much for all of your responses you dont know how much I appreciate them. I've decided to separate from my husband. I will stay here in my home town and work on trying to make myself happy. I have also ended my affair. Thank you.
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