clynn Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 I anticipate running into an ex sometime soon (we belong to the same club where events will be held soon). I've considered not going and staying away all together. The truth, however, is I love being involved with this club and the activities surrounding it, it would be silly for me to stay away. I guess he does too. Anyhow, though the split was sort of mutual, it was mainly him (ie: he was waffling so I let him go). So, hence, I have, in addition to feeling sad about the ending of the relationship, a BRUISED ego. Partly I want to just be nonchalant and casual. Also, however, I have worked on my hurt feelings by identifying things about him that annoy / anger me and so currently am feeling angry towards him as well and feel like I'd like to let go on that! I don't think I will, that wouldn't be appropriate. But being as sweet as apple pie would just reinforce my doormat-tendencies. I know I am still in (a bit) of a vulnerable state and still romantically interested him, but am working on getting past that and don't want to be wearing it all over me, or appearing needy. Suggestions? Thoughts? Comments? Words of encouragement?
haywood Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 don't know the situation of your predicament but seems like you know what you're doing. well the only thing i can say is to be strong. tell yourself that he doesn't deserve you. be busy. if you have to interact with him then do it as if he's just some other guy in the club. and act like he doesn't affect you at all. carry yourself and be happy. he'll wonder why you're so happy and strong. good luck
Author clynn Posted February 25, 2005 Author Posted February 25, 2005 I think what really pissed me off is that he indicated when we split that we rushed into sex (which really is a matter of opinion....it was about 3 weeks in, though we started to mess around right away) and that he expects girls to be the ones to put on the brakes in those situations. Right away I felt sorry and apologetic even. I thought (not initially, but afterwards when I was dealing with it all), " Geeze, if you don't want to date me (for whatever reason) --- that is just the way it is. Don't need to be making me feel like a tramp." Cuz I really felt that was quite a double standard and it made me feel trampy. But I didn't really crank on him about that. I just left it but now it pisses me off.
Mary3 Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Correct me if I am wrong but doesnt it take 2 people to have sex ? He is blaming YOU for both of you having sex at 3 weeks into the relationship ?
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 you should stay away from the klub until you are in a more stable mood.
Author clynn Posted February 26, 2005 Author Posted February 26, 2005 Yuck. I have other reasons and friends to not stay away. But I can see what you mean. I wouldn't really say I'm unstable. But clearly if you are saying that it is because I sound unstable!!!! I had a thought today that I could make the approach when I see him with this: "Hi, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I haven't called. Its been busy, really busy. But good things going on. ANyhow, how are you...???"
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by clynn "Hi, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I haven't called. Its been busy, really busy. But good things going on. ANyhow, how are you...???" Hey CLYNN, why don't u just lay on the ground and let him walk all over u instead? that way u wouldn't have to expend energy to actually TALK.
shamen Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 I disagree with alpha's above point. It's hard to ignore an ex when they are standing right there. You're not initiating contact with him except for when you can potentially run into him, and that's not even initiating contact. (Maybe he's right in that your potential statement is a little doormatty.) It does indeed suck when you run into them, but you've got to at least say hi. Keep it short. "How are you?" Blah blah. When he asks how you are, say, "Well." And walk away. That's it. If you're not ready to see him at all, just stay away from places that you will see him. Like you said, you've got enough friends to do other things...
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen It does indeed suck when you run into them, but you've got to at least say hi. Keep it short. "How are you?" Blah blah. When he asks how you are, say, "Well." And walk away. That's it. Please show me SHAMEN where is the written rule that one has to acknowledge in any way, shape or form a former lover that you're not on good terms with? If I run into an ex that I hate I just totally ignore her and don't acknowledge her presence or existence. If it is one i can still talk to then I do.
Nubianangel Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen I disagree with alpha's above point. It's hard to ignore an ex when they are standing right there. You're not initiating contact with him except for when you can potentially run into him, and that's not even initiating contact. (Maybe he's right in that your potential statement is a little doormatty.) It does indeed suck when you run into them, but you've got to at least say hi. Keep it short. "How are you?" Blah blah. When he asks how you are, say, "Well." And walk away. That's it. If you're not ready to see him at all, just stay away from places that you will see him. Like you said, you've got enough friends to do other things... :laugh:Actually, I ran into my ex a couple of weeks ago and neither one of us said a word to the other. I suppose we're both too proud and not to mention we were standing in a living room full of mutual friends who were anticipating what would happen once we were face to face (since it had been almost 2 months since we broke up on VERY bad terms). I have to say I wished I'd been a little more open to conversation but because he initiated NC, I figured thats what he wanted and so I acted like he wasn't there. He's still bitter about what I did but ironically, rather than him being happy about my silence, I think it hurt him. My advice, be cool as a cucumber. Say 'hi' if he heads your way but keep it short and walk away (unless you feel comfy talking to him).
shamen Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by alphamale Please show me SHAMEN where is the written rule that one has to acknowledge in any way, shape or form a former lover that you're not on good terms with? If I run into an ex that I hate I just totally ignore her and don't acknowledge her presence or existence. If it is one i can still talk to then I do. Alpha, of course there is no written rule that one has to acknowledge in any way; you know that, surely... However, I think to be a good person, a person that is human, one should at least say hello. It's totally noncommital, and IMHO, ignoring then is much harder work than acknowledging that that person is there. One knows that that the ex is there, so why not just get it over with? Acknowledge and then move on. Ignoring holds whatever negative feelings are left inside and I personally do not want to live with those kinds of feelings inside me... I'd rather act like I'm moving on than act as if the ex's mere presence is affecting my time whatsoever.
Nubianangel Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Ignoring holds whatever negative feelings are left inside and I personally do not want to live with those kinds of feelings inside me... I totally agree. I thought about what would happen if our paths ever crossed and there was lots I needed to say. Sort of an unburdening of the heart but when I saw his face, my pride took over and I kept my mouth shut. When he left, I kicked my self and I hope he was doing the same because there was so much that needed to be said.
shamen Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by Nubianangel I totally agree. I thought about what would happen if our paths ever crossed and there was lots I needed to say. Sort of an unburdening of the heart but when I saw his face, my pride took over and I kept my mouth shut. When he left, I kicked my self and I hope he was doing the same because there was so much that needed to be said. It is so much easier to acknowledge. Wasn't it harder to just ignore him? I don't know if seeing an ex out in public and having a big conversation about the break up is the best way to go either though... Somehow I just think that it's easier to just say hi, unless of course, enough time has elapsed since the break up to be completely adult about the chance encounter and say, "How are you?" and mean it. Or, "I'm sorry that things turned out the way they did. I never wished for things to get so ugly," or whatever the case may be.
Nubianangel Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Oh, yes. It was hard to pretend he wasn't there, it was hard not to look into his beautiful blue eyes and say "hi", "hello", "I miss you", "f*ck you"--ANYTHING! This was the person I'd envisioned marrying, having babies with and growing old with someday. It was THAT good (up until the 5th month anyway:o) and now I sit here 2 months after the breakup wishing for that opportunity to see him again. Not to reconnect but to apologize and ask how he's been.
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen It is so much easier to acknowledge. Maybe 4 u SHAMEN, but 4 me it is much easier to ignore. This only applies to Ex's i have no desire to talk with or see, of course. I am still good acquaintances (not friends) with some ex's that i like and if we run into each other we shoot the shyt and have a few drinks, etc...
Author clynn Posted February 26, 2005 Author Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by clynn "Hi, I'm sorry. I'm really sorry, I haven't called. Its been busy, really busy. But good things going on. ANyhow, how are you...???" Yah, my intention with this approach certainly is not doormate-dness or even sincerity, but condescention. I didn't intend to be overtly condescening with it but moreso subversively.... .....only cuz I had an ex say that to me once (in a room of people)...and I had been the instigator and it felt like, "Yikes! What are you talking about? Don't apologize, you didn't need to call me..." as though I had actually WANTED him to call or EXPECTED him to call me which I most certainly didn't. Anyhow, I'll avoid the Club this weekend but I'll wanna get back there sooner or later I think because, after all, it is a place I have been quite involved in and which provides me many opportunities for training / experience / resources. I figure the longer I avoid it the weirder the situation might be and I'll have built it up. Get it over and done with, seeing him the first time, the go on from there. Thanks! But go on if you have more to say.
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by clynn But go on if you have more to say. yes, i have more CLYNN. If u run into him in near-term future it is best to stay neutral and say and do NOTHING. If you are feeling adventurous then just a fake smile or grin will say a million words.
shamen Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen I'd rather act like I'm moving on than act as if the ex's mere presence is affecting my time whatsoever. Alpha, doesn't it take more energy to ignore them than it does to at least acknowledge that your ex is in the same room with you? Somehow I think if an ex of mine ignored my presence completely, then I would think that I've affected their life so much that they don't even have the courage to say hello. JMO.
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by shamen Alpha, doesn't it take more energy to ignore them than it does to at least acknowledge that your ex is in the same room with you? Somehow I think if an ex of mine ignored my presence completely, then I would think that I've affected their life so much that they don't even have the courage to say hello. JMO. not in the state she is in NOW, SHAMEN. Did you read original post? She is in emotional upheaval and upset and also mentioned she already feels like a doormat. after some time passes and she is more settled i guess it would be ok if she feels like it then.
No Foolin Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 silence is devistating and there is less to analyze. Why clutter up your carefully put together self by extending the expected courtesy of words. They didn't want your words when they left, what are a few mindless sentences going to do.....I'll tell you what they'll do=days of woulda, coulda, shoulda and the always great "guess what.....I got a new booty call eeerrrrrr girlfriend" No contact all the way 24/7 No Foolin
CurlyIam Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 I did that once: I totally ignored my ex in front of all my friends. Made it seem like I didn't do it unpurpose... like the space he was filling was actually void. I had lots of fun, because it was my little revenge... anyway, I was around 17 at the time and it sure did seem like a good idea. What I'd do know? First, I'd clear my head. I think you feel a bit guilty because of what he told you. The thing is... it's simply his oppinion. It's not your fault he's so close minded and hang on to patternes type of guys when it comes to sex. You're in touch with your sexuality and are assuming the responsabilities that go with it. So???? If he's scared... well, the he should indeed run away and start dating a "daddy's girl"!! How boring is that????!!!??? Ok, that's one thing. Next: who the hell cares what he thinks, how he acts etc etc? You're going there because you feel like it, because you're either having fun or meeting your friends. Him being there... hum, let's see... makes it his own business??? Girl, you're sweating too much! Just go there to do YOUR thing. If you see hm there, go with your instinct. Feel like pushing the "IGNORE" buton? Ignore. Are in a good mood? SMile!!! But don't allow him to be the center of your attentin. IT's the sure way to give him power upon yourself. The rest of it it's just details. Have fun, Curly
alphamale Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Originally posted by No Foolin silence is devistating and there is less to analyze. hmmm...yes...excellent point NO_FOOLIN
Author clynn Posted March 22, 2005 Author Posted March 22, 2005 Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh! I saw him last night. I had put it off until now successfully by avoiding situations and rearranging a couple volunteer shifts so as to not have to see him. But last night I had to attend a meeting and I didn't think he would be there, and it wouldn't have mattered if I did, I had to go. I arrived a couple minutes late and there he was right in the front row and greeted me, pulled aside a chair for me all friendly and polite. And at a break in the meeting he made a bit effort to make chit chat with me. "What are you doing? What have you been up to lately." I had that kind of stupid small talk. I'd have sooner avoided it altogether but I wasn't prepared and wouldn't have wanted to appear childish either. After the meeting he asked if I was sticking around. I said that yes I was but to talk to someone in particular about something then I needed to head right off. I think it is just that seeing him makes me angry and yet I don't show it, I wear politeness and behave cordially and friendly. But that pisses me off afterwards. I felt really mad. Like he had the upper hand or something. I wanted to pick up the phone when I got home and yell his head off, but, - as if I would. I dunno. Taking the high road is alright. But maybe there is something to be said for wearing your emotions as well. I mean, he's pissed me off, I haven't really shown it. So even though time has passed, I haven't seen him at all, so in the interim I don't think about him or process him (exact for right now cuz it is just the day after, give me a day or so and it'll have passed again). ..... and then now that I've seen him it's just the unspoken biting anger that wells up, you know. But that isn't what I show. I naturally fall into the polite. Perhaps a little cold. But that is it. Arrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! I was soooooooooooo mad I tossed adn turned for hours.
supergirl7777 Posted March 23, 2005 Posted March 23, 2005 [color=green][/color] Hey i seem to have the same problem, you see ny ex graduated last year form high school i'm graduating this year, but i am so bound to bump into him because he always goes to theatre productions because he's part of the alumni, now the point is that our annual spring musical is coming up and i'm going to be in it which means that he's going to go with all his friends (they arent very fond of me) and i know that its going to hurt me so much but i guess all i can do is be strong.
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