boursin_cheese Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Hi all, after lurking a day or two thought I'd plunge in; you all seem sympathetic to each other. FI walked out on me four weeks ago yesterday, just two weeks shy of our seven-year anniversary. He moved into the condo we bought near his office but never used (about a 1.5 hour drive from home) and I am muddling around our cottage -- packing, crying, grunting and other. No kids (not sure if that is good or not) but our two pups keep me company and that is something. I panicked like crazy the first few days and I guess, so did he. After two days he was calling and saying he thought we could work it out and I should move in with him there. So I packed up and put non-essentials in storage and what do you know? A couple of days after that he did a complete turnabout and changed his mind. Said there was no hope. Who knows why? I'm not sure it matters. I'm a big fan of No Contact. He initiates all phoning/writing between us at week and half intervals or so. I assume it's from guilt. It's apparent he's having both sides of any conversation long before he speaks with me. His last e-mail was a run-on about how there is no hope for us to reconcile because he's known all along that he wouldn't trust me with his innermost feelings. His heart. Blah. Rubbish. Not that he doesn't think this, but hey, he might have told me six or so years ago while I was better able to bear young... Thirty-seven-plus now and wondering if I blew all of my chances on the seeming love of my life who just couldn't do any better than to lie for so long? I trusted him implicitly. He never gave me a reason to not... Neither of us have ever cheated. Even now, he will say and write that he loves me very much. BUT. He doesn't want to try. Doesn't want to work out problems that he sees now -- that I see too. Basically, he doesn't think I'm worth it. He still wants to get married and have a family. Just not with me. According to him, I'm too shy, don't have enough friends (what I'd call "pals") to suit him and I'm too critical. Among other things. Oh well. I cop to being critical at times though I'm unconvinced that it's more than average and mostly it's of myself. He wants to sell our home and now that my initial freak has worn off, NO! This is my only home. There isn't anywhere else for me to go and our two pups are my only family now thank you. Yes, I'm one of those unfortunate orphan types. Nothing I can do about that. I accept it as normal-for-me, but as it turns out, he couldn't/wouldn't deal. I don't need or want saving from that reality. I had a lifetime's worth of loving while my parents were alive. What else? I'm wretchedly alone and while my friends (a few real, long-term types) are considerate, I know I am terrible company. We chat on the phone and meet briefly for dog walks or coffee which is about as much as I think I can handle. Not eating or sleeping normally yet. It's laughable that at just under 45 kg on the diet for the broken hearted, I'm now his bony-assed ideal. I think I LOOK like my 85 year old gran but getting the food in is -- hard. Well, here I am. Confused and tired. How did this happen to me? How is it that my beloved FI lied and lied for so many years? I never thought I was that stupid. And now on top of stupid, I'm seven years older, single and BORING. Ugh. I am boring myself being so unhappy and self-pitying. I never thought I'd be in this position, but here I am. Anyone out there have words of advice? I really could use some. Much thanks, b.c.
jc Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Hey hang in there, First of all, I don't think that he lied for all of those years...I'm sure that he felt the same way about you as you felt about him. Here's the thing (and I'm still trying to deal with this myself), sometimes a person's feelings change, and there is nothing you or I or anyone can do about it. My boyfriend and I were completely in love too, and then he did the same thing this summer, saying that things couldn't work out and that he just didn't love me anymore. (and then he changed his mind again and said that he did still love me.. and blah blah blah). I think the best thing that you can do is to be glad that you found this out now, rather than having the kids and getting married, and then finding out. And take comfort in your dogs. They will be there and love you no matter what.
2003md2 Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 I'm in your same situation just a few months further along and with a baby. You're lucky (I know, I said it!) that you get to start again without a little one in tow. A lot are amenable to pups than extra little people to start new lives with. You don't sound boring, just sad - which you have a right to be. You're obviously online looking for answers and looking to connect with people and looking to heal which is more than boring people would be doing. They'd be sitting around wallowing in it -- not being proactive like you. I miss my husband more than anything and I wanted more children right away but the one thing I don't miss is the freedom to spend his money (alimony & child support) & my own income the way I choose. SO there must be something you don't miss. Focus on that. Do what pleases you. I do lots of yoga. Everyone has a thing. Try to focus on you and be selfish. Write down everything that's cool about you. Write down stuff that would give you pleasure - then do it. If you can't come up with that list then unfortunately (I'm no doctor) but you might benefit from some meds - I take an antidepressant since the split - no stigma these days seems everyone does..... Hope I didn't seem too cheery to be helpful........
Author boursin_cheese Posted February 26, 2005 Author Posted February 26, 2005 jc, 2003md2, Thanks for the kind words. No cheer is too little! Bring on the cheeriness and keep it coming! It helps so much to hear that I'm not alone in all of this and theres hope for me to be my normal happy me again. I slept for six hours all in row for the first time since the split last night. Of course they were completely nightmare ridden, but at least it was SLEEP. I am resisting medication --it's just not my thing and if it makes sense at all, I am not depressed per se, but just horribly sad. Friends and my gran are pushing sleeping pills. They worry. I'm tempted. You're right about the freedom. One thing I stopped missing right away was the freedom to DECIDE anything, at any time, free of judgement, free of waiting, free of always having to decide together. I didn't mind compromising but the waiting to decide things together just about broke me. No scratch that. I think it did break me. Should we fix the broken pipe or not fix it? When should we fix the broken pipe? Who should fix the broken pipe? Day two after the breakup I called Mr. Rooter and fixed that fryggyn pipe! So noo, I am not missing that mess. I would have liked a child. We had a miss almost a year ago and as I look back, I wonder if that was the the turning point for him -- us. Oh! 2003md2 -- you know what? I know several guys that would love to be with a woman who has kids. Three friends of mine married women that already had at least one child from another relationship -- one of the ladies had an infant and my friend felt it was love at first sight for mom and tot. So no worries for you about guys wanting to start with a new mom! The pups are good and furry but they miss their man and are going through their own period of confusion and adjustment. I'm ready to pack us all up and go home to the mountains for the rest of the winter. It's a simple fantasy. I camp out with the boys on the Canadian border. We do nothing for a month but play in the snow, sleep and eat lots of pancakes with syrup. It ain't sexy but...
moon Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 After being on this board for maybe three months now I still don't know why these types of things happen as you're describing. The same thing happened to me except he went off with another girl and hasn't bothered to explain himself since. Here was a man who said I love you every time he'd hang up the phone. And then at the end it's like our relationship never even happened. And he moved on right away with out any problems (as far as I know). I haven't had much contact with him since. It f*cking sucks. I am just realizing that being in love is the greatest feeling and the most miserable feeling in the world....depending on the state of the relationship. It is hard to carry on. I know, I know. You feel sorry for yourself a lot--I know. It feels like there you were high on the mountain of happiness and all of a sudden you're kicked way down into a 50 foot hole below the ground and your trying to claw your way back up. I go on and off with how I feel now. I almost feel like I shouldn't even be thinking about it anymore since four months have already passed. I have mostly married friends too who just got lucky or something. Everybody I know is in a happy relationship. It makes you feel like I'm the only one who can't seem to accomplish it. It sort of adds salt to the wound. I need more single friends.....I've gotta work on that. Anyway, hang in there. That's about all I can say.
Recommended Posts