I think it's over

[MySugaree]

Stone, do you think perhaps this guy's goal , by being passive aggressive, is to drive you away? You're right: relationships are difficult enough without trying to maintain one unilaterally. My best guess is that he feels trapped and resents you for not terminating your pregnancy: his coping skills are most definitely lacking.

 

I know this time is difficult, but can you tough it out until you give birth? I'm not sanguine that the birth of his child will turn this guy into a meaningful partner, but it's worth a shot.

 

If the relationship is dead, and you have some kind of support network in place, you might want to exit. But your lives sound very intertwined , and leaving will be very stressful for you, your child and your fetus. Of course, staying is stressful, too.

 

The fact that you've posted with such a provocative thread title signals that you've concluded things are over. With whatever spare time you have, I'd work out concrete arrangements for your exit--if not now, then post-partum.

[d'Arthez]

On matters of taste we are free to disagree, moimeme.

Moral warfare won't solve a thing for Stone, nor is making fun of the situation she finds herself in inspirational to her. How does Stone perceive it? As satire? Or a mockery of her?

 

General outlook of Stone's situation:

Right now she is trying for the last things she can do, to get at least her bf's bi-polar disorder under control. To make her life at the moment at least a bit less miserable. Right now bf prefers drinking over having his disorder under control. Not good enough for when the child is born. Stone knows that. Stone knows enough about the disorder to know what she might expect. And it is not nice.

 

She must make bf do at least something. If not in the relationship at least in his business. Working 2 jobs in itself is hard enough. Furthermore she has to take care of her son, who also has his health issues.

 

She has to sit out the ride now. Not because she prefers to be in this situation, but because she has to make savings, organize her support network et cetera.

 

I can't claim to be an expert on pregnancy, but when she only has 4 weeks to go, she might actually have to depend on someone. Could be bf, and it could be a friend / family member, whomever.

 

Of course she would rather have Prince Charming right there and completely ready for her. But he is not there, and the reasons for that don't matter. She has to deal with her current situation. And even though we are not professionals, let's try at least to not bring her down.

[moimeme]

I get that Stone wouldn't have liked the post, which is why I posted what I did. GM was not considering all possibilities; he did not know Stone's circumstances and didn't think to ask. Which doesn't detract from the great ability at satire. It was just aimed at the wrong target this time.

 

Frankly, I think a man with a disorder plus a drinking problem is a walking disaster and that Stone and her kids need to not have such a fellow in their lives. If he were at least participating in his own treatment, there might be hope but whether or not the relationship is over according to him, it needs to be for everybody else's sake.

 

One of Stone's earliest posts about the pregnancy was that she was scared to be a single mom, but that's gotta be better than living with this guy. Stone, if you have no guy, find a friendly female pal in the same situation. A friend of mine was a single mom and found support and assistance with other single moms. They'd trade off kid care so they could do errands, etc. Much better situation than settling for all this drama just to not be alone.

[Grinning Maniac]

"Moral warfare"...you wouldn't happen to have another username here on LS, would ya, Arth?

 

In any case, I wasn't debating morality at all. Not sure where you got the idea from. Also, who said I was offering up 100% pure-cut support in the first place? I know you're new here (if you aren't...someone else) but I'm not exactly that sort of guy. By the way, thanks for the link, Moi. I hadn't seen that thread before. Mainly because it was in the Parenting forum. I read a lot of forums on LS these days, but I've never once been to "Parenting". Why would I go there? I'm a man and have no interest in raising kids. There's not a whole lot there for me. It'd be like me walking into a gay bar when I'm looking for chicks, or socializing at a KKK rally. The first thread I saw was where she mentioned that a lot of people were telling her not to have the kid. However, I AM far too lazy to search the archives before I post, most of the time. Guilty as charged.

 

I didn't mean to give the impression that I thought Stone got into this situation on *purpose*. Not at all. Sh*t happens. I simply said I didn't consider it too wise that she keep the kid considering she already has one son who needs extra help, and a future "baby daddy" who's being quite...difficult. In that kid's shoes, when I turned a year old, I'd pack myself a little miniature suitcase and start hitchhiking. Way too much drama for all parties involved.

 

 

PS: It's alright if you don't appreciate my sense of humor, Arty. I forgive you... You big ole buzzkilling wet blanket, you. *pinches your cheek*

 

PPS: Moi, where did it mention birth control in that thread? I may have missed a thread or two before the one I came in on, but nothing was mentioned in that one aside from the term "knocked up" in the title. That doesn't say much. Did she ever explain what happened? Moi? Stone? ...Bueller?

[moimeme]

Well, darlin', she didn't just fall off the turnip truck. Note she says she was 'shocked' at having become pregnant. This is not the response of someone who has deliberately been playing Russian Roulette with the pills.

 

Sounds like your solution is to ditch the kid. Too late. Anyway, the new person will be trainable, unlike the old bf. On the whole, I'd junk the bf and keep the kid.

[Stone]

GM 1st of all your an ARse, I know you think you know WTF your talking about but your only 20 years old and you think you know everything. This is the 2nd time you have turned my post's in to this and I would appreciate if you wouldn't respond anymore!

 

I did not get pregnant on purpose idot!! and just because he didn't want to keep the baby doesn't mean I had to get an abortion. He has lived with my and played house for 3 years sooner or later this probably would have happened. One thing I am is a DAMMED GOOD Mother. In in my b/f's defense he is wonderful to my son... I am not so naive to think that the baby will be born and everything will be honkey dory and we will live happily ever after. I am quite prepared to be a single mother AGAIN and that's fine. My son now is a HAPPY LOVED little boy who gets the best of everything. It will be the same for my daughter. I don't believe in welfare and I have means to support my children. My parents are close by and are always prepared to help with my kids. I have a HUGE Support system with or without my b/f and I have a great job.

[d'Arthez]

GM, for moral warfare you don't actually debate morality. You take the scorched earth approach for that: condemn everyone who thinks differently on issues of morality. By making fun of them, for example. I don't have another user name on here.

 

I don't believe in welfare and I have means to support my children. My parents are close by and are always prepared to help with my kids. I have a HUGE Support system with or without my b/f and I have a great job.

 

Stone:

Right now the birth of your daughter is 4 months away. No-one knows the situation you are in better than you, so it is good to see that you have a huge support system waiting to be fully activated if necessary for you and your kids. That is beneficial for your health and sanity.

 

You are doing a lot of jobs now. Your 2 jobs, work in his business, and be a mother to your son, besides of taking care of a lot of chores at home. Given the weight that you are pulling in this relationship, you know your effort cannot last at this level. I don't know if your bf can get his act together again. I certainly hope so, but it does not look like it now

You are trying everything you can to give your bf a chance to get his act together. And as you said fatherhood is not something that cures a man of his ailments. If you feel it is pointless with him around you, I know you will break up with him. Don't let the hardships of being a single mom again scare you.

 

Sure your life will not be easy, but you know that already. You are a good mother to your son and you have a good job. You will also do a darn good job with your daughter.

[Stone]

Thanks Dear-

 

I just tried talking to him and agaiin he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't see the problem in other words he won't change.

 

I told him that if he doesn't want the baby, when it's born I am NOT putting him on the birth certificate witch means he is not liable to our child. He didn't say anything so I guess that's what I will do.

 

I know he wanted me to have an abortion but he also said "I'll support whatever choice you make" well I decided to keep her and he is not being supportive. What I don't understand is he knows Where the heck the door is, if he didn't like my choice he could have walked away. Another thing is he is an AWASOME dad to my son, he is his T ball coach, he takes him to school everyday, He has a great relationship with him so why is he so resentful about our daughter??

[d'Arthez]

Stone, don't forget that he is getting a lot of benefits from you at the moment. You cook for him, you clean for him, you even run his business. And he only has to pay 50% of the rent. So logically he has a lot to lose if you dump him.

 

He might improve once your daughter is born. It's hard to predict. But when your bf came into your life, you already had your son, and he probably was not as deep in the sh*t. So he could positively bond with your little man. Maybe he won't even be able to do that with your daughter.

 

I am no expert at Florida State Law, so I can't advice you on what is best to do once your daughter is born. Considering the birth certificate, and all issues that can arise from that, I would get some legal counselling.

[Israfil]

Originally posted by d'Arthez

Stone, don't forget that he is getting a lot of benefits from you at the moment. You cook for him, you clean for him, you even run his business. And he only has to pay 50% of the rent. So logically he has a lot to lose if you dump him.

 

Stone,

 

It sounds like in your original post that you feel that something is not right - you feel it in your gut (hahaha - no not the baby kicking!). Listen to that. It also sounds like he adds nothing to your life. What is the point of having someone in your life when all they do is take and take and take, and never give anything back? Yes, unconditional love is perhaps a goal, but at some point you have to say "enough already!". Also, he is quite possibly not a means of support in your life at all - and this is maybe what you are holding onto - a false sense of security. (think about who actually shoulders all the responsibility in your relationship)

 

Even though it may seem overwhelming now, it might be extremely liberating to have him out of your life. Think of all the responsibilities that will magicially disappear after you give him the boot!

 

Plus, he's not even good in the sack??? Get rid of him! *hands Stone a hot potato*

[roxy_1980]

Stone,

You must keep reminding yourself that being a dad and acting like a dad are two different things. He can probably handle playing dad to your son, because if things get hard and difficult he can just take off cause it's not really his kid. Your unborn daughter on the other hand is his, he will be responsible for her in some capacity or another for the rest of his life. He can't bail on this, legally or ethically, and that scares the cr@p out of him.

[d'Arthez]

Stone, when you wrote:

I just tried talking to him and agaiin he doesn't want to break up but he doesn't see the problem in other words he won't change.

 

He gets a lot of benefits for staying with you, so he does not want to break up. Because he would lose all the benefits. 50% of the rent is how much? And what does he get for it? A place to stay, a woman to share the bed with, someone who does practically all the chores, and runs his business. At 50% of the rent that is almost slavery I feel.

 

Considering the exreme unhappiness his behavior is causing you, and his refusal to even try the least to improve himself, you are going to face a few tough questions.

 

How was he when he became such a large part of your life? I really think he was more positive, and did not suffer as deeply from his bi-polar disorder, if at all. That enabled him to bond positively with you, and with your son. I assume that he has grown worse through the years.

 

In some ways bonding with your son is an escape to him from the real world. It gives him time wherein he does not have to deal with his issues. Of course you don't complain he is bonding with your child. Of course you do complain that he should stop drinking et cetera. Both are escape mechanisms in this relationship. This does not imply that he does not care about your little man, or about you; but it is a situation which is not healthy for the both of you.

 

Furthermore because he seems to have deteriorated through the years, it probably will be hard for him to bond positively with anyone new in his life. I even get the impression, that he resents your daughter for being there. Of course it is not her fault! How could it be? It is as if he blames her for not being aborted. I would not expect him to come to his senses when the child is born though.

[Stone]

We went to dinner last night to "talk" and he blamed how he treats me on his faimly. ( he has faimly issues witch always seem to come back) he is on his way to another manic episode.

 

I spent the night at my parents house and I think I will continue to do that untill he gets the F out. I just took him back in August after another manic epiosode and the deal was;

 

He was to stop drinking

He was to go to Bipolor support groups

We would attend church togeather on sundays

and we would do some therapy at home( I have some workbooks, tapes ect)

 

And he hasn't come close to doing any of this so I am really done right now and It feels good at the moment.. I am sure I'll be a trainwreck later but that's ok I just want him out of my house.

 

Of course it's Sunday now after 12 weeks of not going to church he is asking if he can go with us.... I'm not buying that right now.

[d'Arthez]

The fact that he always blames anybody and anything but himself is too telling. To get back together, you set reasonable requirements on him. He has not kept his part of the bargain, and you are throwing him out. Nothing wrong with telling him so I think.

 

You have made your decision, and I hope you can stick to it. A lot of people are around you for the next months. Don't stress out Stone, I know you will come through.