daisydook Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I am glad you are taking time from one another. At the end of the 30 days, you may find, you want to go another 30, or 90, or whatever. NC hasnt been easy, but I have to say, I cannot imagine what I would have gone through had I not gone no contact. Contact would have been a lot worse. It would have been endless nights of tears and crying, begging, pleading, denying, lying, just a whole bunch of crap and BS. I was grieving and couldn't handle that mess at the time. I was grieving the loss of a man I once knew. There was no 30 days. I called off our life together and went no contact for good. He was cheating on me, and I thought that was unacceptable behaviour and it was a deal breaker for me. You two are very young, and although you have been together forever, you have caused a lot of pain to each other over the last 5 years. You CAN live without one another, believe it or not. You WILL be ok. You WILL live. It sounds as though you guys have too much anger and baggage. I think you are being pushy with her and she is getting frustrated with you. Her temperament isn't great, but you demanding she isnt interested in working on things because she wants to speak to you in a few days instead of tomorrow, is a little silly, too. She is stating that taking some time apart to cool down may be best, so getting together in a week would be better, and in my opinion, she is right on that one. You demand she sees you tomorrow or she doesnt care, get more pushy and then she said "Fine! Just go away." She sounds frustrated with your controlling behaviour. I wouldnt mind if my BF joked about me being on my phone or having guy friends, but if he constantly freaked out about it, I would probably react the same way. I have nothing to hide and nothing I send is questionable. If he wanted to see my phone, he could. If he was constantly badgering me about who I was talking to, it would get old quickly. I would feel like he was controlling. You are pushing her away being so demanding right now, so if you do want it to work, thats not helping. I am not saying she is perfect and her behaviour is great. Its not. But you can only control you, you came here for help, and we are worried about you here. So I will talk about you. My ex and I were together for nearly a decade, so when I found myself single and living alone at 28, it kind of freaked me right out! Lol. I understand wondering if you can live without someone. You can! Look at me living and shyt! 1
daisydook Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 She doesnt seem to know what she wants though either, so I dont really know. I mean, maybe she just doesnt want anyone else to have you! That is often the case with people. They dont want you, but dont want anyone else to want you or have you either! 1
marcjb Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 She doesnt seem to know what she wants though either, so I dont really know. I mean, maybe she just doesnt want anyone else to have you! That is often the case with people. They dont want you, but dont want anyone else to want you or have you either! Yes, because she views him just as an option / backup plan. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Your plan is misguided. Your relationship started when you were kids. Now 5 years later it sounds to me like it's not going to survive the transition into adulthood. That is very common. Here's the thing though, breaks are silly. Either stay together & work as a team to fix what's wrong or break up. Once you break up, NC is designed to help you heal by not having the other person constantly around, in your space / head / heart To think that 30 days apart while you are not communicating & you are both free to explore other options is going to repair the damage is foolish thinking; it anything it will exacerbate the problems. 2
Author vichyfresh Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 She doesnt seem to know what she wants though either, so I dont really know. I mean, maybe she just doesnt want anyone else to have you! That is often the case with people. They dont want you, but dont want anyone else to want you or have you either! This could be one reason, yes. About the phone issue, I wouldn't bother at all if she is chatting with male friends, but the thing is. Whenever I told her to show her phone, she quickly shut it down and hide it. It's obvious that something was going on, and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so insecure about it. I think this break will be good for both us. 1) She will realized that I'm not accepting her **** behaviour anymore. I'll not answer her phone/text so she will understand that I've some boundaries and I'm sticking with it. 2) I'll manage to heal
Author vichyfresh Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 Your plan is misguided. Your relationship started when you were kids. Now 5 years later it sounds to me like it's not going to survive the transition into adulthood. That is very common. Here's the thing though, breaks are silly. Either stay together & work as a team to fix what's wrong or break up. Once you break up, NC is designed to help you heal by not having the other person constantly around, in your space / head / heart To think that 30 days apart while you are not communicating & you are both free to explore other options is going to repair the damage is foolish thinking; it anything it will exacerbate the problems. Thanks for your reply. I wasn't hoping that 30 days will get us back together. I would just like to gain some respect from her with this action. As I stated before, I haven't been in NC with her for more than 7 days in the past 5 years. She will understand that I'm not going to be together with her anymore unless she will co-operate and really try to fix things. I'd really like to repair things with her, but when I talk about the phone issue - she goes crazy about it. She will tell me that "Why I can't talk with my friends? Don't be so needy/controling". I completely understand that it's perfectly OK to have friends and to chat with them, but if things go flirty - game over.
Chi townD Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 This could be one reason, yes. About the phone issue, I wouldn't bother at all if she is chatting with male friends, but the thing is. Whenever I told her to show her phone, she quickly shut it down and hide it. It's obvious that something was going on, and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so insecure about it. I think this break will be good for both us. 1) She will realized that I'm not accepting her **** behaviour anymore. I'll not answer her phone/text so she will understand that I've some boundaries and I'm sticking with it. 2) I'll manage to heal That's what we call a red flag, dude. A marker to tell us that she's cheating on you. And I'll be honest with you, you're delusional if you think you're going to be healed in 30 days from a 5 year relationship. I'm telling you, it's going to get worse before it gets better. But, that's why we're here. Sooner or later, she's going to throw you a breadcrumb like she did before. Just like that "I miss you" text. All she's doing is pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. That her back up plan is still around. When you get that. STOP!!!! Take a deep breath and post about it here. People will be here to walk you through it. DO NOT RESPOND TO HER!!! 1
Author vichyfresh Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 That's what we call a red flag, dude. A marker to tell us that she's cheating on you. And I'll be honest with you, you're delusional if you think you're going to be healed in 30 days from a 5 year relationship. I'm telling you, it's going to get worse before it gets better. But, that's why we're here. Sooner or later, she's going to throw you a breadcrumb like she did before. Just like that "I miss you" text. All she's doing is pulling on the leash to make sure the dog is still there. That her back up plan is still around. When you get that. STOP!!!! Take a deep breath and post about it here. People will be here to walk you through it. DO NOT RESPOND TO HER!!! Wise words, thank you. I know it'll get worse, but in the long-run it's good. I'll keep you updated with the "breadcumbs". I'm sure there will be plenty of it. 1
daisydook Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 This could be one reason, yes. About the phone issue, I wouldn't bother at all if she is chatting with male friends, but the thing is. Whenever I told her to show her phone, she quickly shut it down and hide it. It's obvious that something was going on, and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so insecure about it. I think this break will be good for both us. 1) She will realized that I'm not accepting her **** behaviour anymore. I'll not answer her phone/text so she will understand that I've some boundaries and I'm sticking with it. 2) I'll manage to heal Well then you have made the right decision to go no contact. I couldnt be with someone who was like that either. I have a relationship where we do not check phones or feel the need to look at phones, so thats not really an option, but at the same time, hiding our phones, being discrete about who and what we are messaging, and closing down screens is also not an option. If I am cuddling or sitting with my boyfriend and I get a message, I open my phone and look at the message and respond in front of him. He does the same with me. There is no going into the other room or hiding our screens. I accidentally found out my ex was cheating via a text from his other woman, on his phone while I was using it. That was the only message from her. He deleted everything else. I realized I could not be with someone like that. It was a deal breaker to cheat, but he also tried to deny, lie and cover it all up too. Also a big deal breaker. He wasnt honest with me, fully honest, for about 8 months after we broke up. I spoke to her face to face and knew what happened and knew the truth the entire time, so I also knew when he was finally telling me the truth.
daisydook Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 This could be one reason, yes. About the phone issue, I wouldn't bother at all if she is chatting with male friends, but the thing is. Whenever I told her to show her phone, she quickly shut it down and hide it. It's obvious that something was going on, and I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so insecure about it. I think this break will be good for both us. 1) She will realized that I'm not accepting her **** behaviour anymore. I'll not answer her phone/text so she will understand that I've some boundaries and I'm sticking with it. 2) I'll manage to heal Are you going into this with the notion that at day 31, you are going to both miss one another sooooooooooooooooooooooooo much, and everything will just fall back into place because you showed her you have a backbone and have ignored her completely for 30 days? Do not worry about what she will realize. You go no contact to heal from a relationship that isnt working. You do not go no contact with people you want to stay with, so if you are doing this in hopes of it fixing your relationship, this is about the very last thing you want to be doing. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 It sounds like you are being strong & you know what's coming. Stay strong. You are right . . . if she can't show you the phone & seems to be hiding something you are better off walking away with your head held high. If she's refusing to talk like a mature adult, there's not much you can do other than maintain your own self respect. Good luck. 1
Author vichyfresh Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 She just messaged me the following "How is your health?" "Why you dont answer?" I didnt reply. She had also made me a call while my phone was switched off. Hope I did the right thing. I was will a week ago...
mtsuper Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 im somewhat in the same boat as you dude my ex told me last sunday how much she misses me and all that and wants to get back but realizes i wont change the n two days later the lovey dovey stopped and she told me to move on.she is back and forth with her emotions we havent been together for about a month but this is week 1 of no contact so im hoping to see how your progress goes with it.we were together for 3 years on/off
Author vichyfresh Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 Quick update: I've still been in NC. She tried to get in touch with me yesterday via text messages, email and friends facebook, but I didn't answer. It's now 3rd day of NC. Silence from her side.
Chi townD Posted August 9, 2014 Posted August 9, 2014 Quick update: I've still been in NC. She tried to get in touch with me yesterday via text messages, email and friends facebook, but I didn't answer. It's now 3rd day of NC. Silence from her side. Stay strong dude! She texted you, emailed you and tried to get you through Facebook. Those were breadcrumbs. Because, she went through all of that; yet, if she REALLY wanted to talk to you, she knows where you live. Nothing is stopping her from going over there and knocking on your door if she actually gave a sh*t.
Author vichyfresh Posted August 9, 2014 Author Posted August 9, 2014 To be honest, the first two days were great. But I feel I'm still missing her. But the good thing is that I focus myself on all the bad memories instead of the good ones and this actually helps to get through the day. Going to gym again, hope my feeling goes better. Thank you all. /3 day NC
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