Looking back

[Red123]

This week marks the time last year that my H met the MOW. The reason we know the date so well is because it was right after the long weekend we just had. Last year we were invited to go camping with some friends on a camp trip they do every year. My H and our youngest daughter went on the trip and I refused to go. I'm not a camper but I don't hate it. I acted like a princess and they went without me. My H and I were in such a bad place and I didn't want to be around him at all. I wanted the break from kids and wanted to go out with my girlfriends instead of spending the weekend with my family. Even though we were in such a rough place he begged me to go and enjoy the time. I refused. It was in hindsight his last effort to try to reconnect with me I just didn't see it at the time. After that his A started mid august and things changed dramatically in our lives. I was so self absorbed and angry about our relationship(doing nothing to change it) that I didn't have a clue what he was doing for over a month. He was changing and I can see it looking back but at the time I was too concerned with my own stuff to notice. His A was wrong but logically I understand why he felt rejected by me and why it was easier to do what he did.

So I went in that trip this year, I still don't like camping, but we had a wonderful time. It was so easy to just go and enjoy myself. When looking back to last year I can't help but wonder if I had just gone would things be different. Would we have started to reconnect? I'll never know. Thanks for reading, I had to write this one out.

[jm2013]

Hi Red123,

 

It is good to see you're in a more happy spot a year later! It is unfortunate we all have to go through something so tragic to finally see a clear picture of what may have led up to the temptation of events like these. So here's a question. Do you see yourself ever being like that again let's say 5-7 years down the road? At least for me, I hope the events that happened in my marriage are a good reason for me never to in a million years be the husband I was. It was extremely unhealthy for my family.

[Red123]

I think about that a lot. It's like I was expecting my H to change our relationship because I was so unhappy but I was going to do nothing because he had to make it better. It's so ridiculous to think that way but I did. He did try before he stepped out and I can't pretend that I was a perfect wife and did everything I could because I would be lying to myself. I have to own my part in this for us to be better. I hope I am never that person again and plan to work hard to not be. The truth is I'm not always in such a great place with this, the pain is horrible but truth is truth and I know my part and if I want this I have to work too. He never blames me for his A, that was his choice but if I look at this situation from outside of my pain I see how we let us go long before his choice to step out. I wasn't always that way but I can see how I got there now that I'm honest with myself. Whether he and I make it or not I will never be HER again. I don't like her so how can I expect anyone else to.

[veryhappy]

In that context, the weekend last year would have probably been a horrible experience.

 

 

I have a question that I always ask myself and might expand in a thread. What would have worked to restore your marriage other than the a and bring you where you are today with the good things? Another talk or two or ten? MC? Separation? Thread of divorce? Filing for divorce? What is the recipe of getting the results without the a and why would it have worked?

[gettingstronger]

I have a question that I always ask myself and might expand in a thread. What would have worked to restore your marriage other than the a and bring you where you are today with the good things? Another talk or two or ten? MC? Separation? Thread of divorce? Filing for divorce? What is the recipe of getting the results without the a and why would it have worked?

 

 

 

According to my husband, the only thing that would have worked is if he was not so self centered and manned up to how he was feeling- he said he felt selfish for wanting/needing more since he knew we were living as we agreed with a focus on the kids, career, etc... our situation may be different than others in that we got along great, no sex issues, etc... he just needed more attention than any one person could give-that is his interpretation, not mine-

 

I feel like-he should have told me what he needed so we could have at least talked about it-not sure how having an A was the better option-maybe easier at the time, but surely in hindsight what a freaking mess he has created-

[Red123]

In that context, the weekend last year would have probably been a horrible experience.

 

 

I have a question that I always ask myself and might expand in a thread. What would have worked to restore your marriage other than the a and bring you where you are today with the good things? Another talk or two or ten? MC? Separation? Thread of divorce? Filing for divorce? What is the recipe of getting the results without the a and why would it have worked?

 

That's a great question. I really don't know the right answer for it though. When he and I talk he states he should have told me how he felt and the rejection issues he was having, I agree but can't say at that point I would have realized how bad it was. It had taken a long time to get to that state we were in so I'm not sure anything that wasn't a huge shock to the system could have worked. My post was more about my own realization looking back at how I let us down before he did. I will never think his A was ok, I'm just at a point of really wanting to see things for what they are and not my black and white way if thinking. Although this is where I'm at I will never say an A is a solution or a good thing for anyone. It was the wake up call but I wish it had have happened in another way.

[veryhappy]

I fully understand what you are saying and agree with it. I applaud you for seeing things for what they were, and not filtering everything through a victim lens.

 

 

It was not a tricky question to get you to say an affair is okay. It is a question of what is a marriage supposed to do when in a very bad state to get to a good state? Plenty of marriages just hang in there and mark the milestones, but people don't start with the idea that they'll be grinding their teeth and ignore the toad they married. Most people want to live well.

[Red123]

I agree. That's the goal living well and making eachother happy. I was in victim mode for a few months and can slide in once in a while but I try to keep things in perspective. There's so many other factors to our situation too that point me in the direction I'm heading so I'm going to stay with it. I didn't think you were trying to trick me into saying his A was ok, I just write what I feel.

[waterwoman]

Hi red, it's interesting that you are prepared to share some of the blame. Personally I don't beleive their is ever a excuse for an affair but like you i can see how h got to where he was and I was in part to blame. However I simply don't beleive that its as simple as 'you did this, so I had an affair'. We had been together 30 yrs more or less when he did it. Over that time there were many time he let me down, and vice versa, there were times I upset him, vice versa, .. We aren't perfect human beings, we're fallible, and we don't come with an in-built 'how to' manual for relationships. We were feeling our way and as often as not getting it wrong. I wasn't to blame for the state of our marriage, WE were.

 

And yes the affair helped us improve things but only because he isn't a great one for talking about his feeling. Dday frightened the bejesus out of him!! He had risked losing me and our 30 years of history and he would have fine anything to stop it.... including talk to me about his feelings, his fears, his sorrows.

 

It still hurts that he did this and I still see myself as a victim of his selfishness and shortsightedness, but he was his own victim too. An affair is the ultimate betrayal because it says to a BS because they are marginalised in their own marriage without even knowing it. How can you fix something if one party is giving their time and attention elsewhere. An a says to a bs ' you're not good enough, its all your fault, it must be cos look, i have this shiny new person and she thinks i'm amazing'.

[Red123]

Waterwoman - I agree with your statement about the A making the BS feel like nothing. I have felt that way on and off since finding out about this. I am not taking any blame for his A. I am really trying to see the full picture about our relationship and own my part in the breakdown of it, which was in the works long before the A. I remember thinking about how to leave him before any of this started but never took the steps to do it. We did separate after I initially found out but still had to live under the same roof, so it wasn't a full separation that had us physically apart. During that time I was relieved but it had me thinking a lot about how after 17 years together we got there. Convinced we were done, just had to wait to live separately, I started thinking about myself and my part. I decided that I had to fix me for me if I was going to ever have a good relationship with someone else. Like your H, mine was also afraid once the fog lifted and he realized what he was about to lose and began to change himself too. So my perspective is based on making us strong again, he takes full ownership of the A but we have work to do to make us right again.