antineutrino Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 (edited) For those who are familiar with my older threads, my GF and I have gotten better at communicating with each other and things are going pretty well between us. Now for the current problem: my roommates are complete jerks. They rarely (if never) chip in with cleaning the apt and are loud. When I approached them about it, they pushed back and said I shouldn't have my GF over so much. They even threatened me and said they'd take it to the landlord. That's absurd because we are quiet, spend time in my room, and clean up after ourselves. Anyway, my GF said she no longer feels that comfortable spending time here because of my roommates. Moreover, she said she doesn't want to spend too much time at her place together because she doesn't want to bug her roommate. We're planning to move in together once I graduate in 9-10 months, but in the meantime, these were the current ideas that I had: 1) Retain the status quo, i.e., continue to spend most nights together, both at her place and my place. Problems noted above. 2) Search Craigslist for a place to sublet for the next 9-10 months. Problems = hassle of moving/moving costs, difficulty finding viable options, all the unknowns around new roommates (hard to screen to see if they're actually good people). 3) Come up with some sort of plan where we spend, e.g., 2 nights at her place and 1 night at my place, and the rest of the nights apart (or, alternatively, play it by ear and just let her come to me when she wants us to spend nights together). Problems = spending less time together. What do you guys think the best option is? Are there any that I'm missing? Should I just bring all 3 up and see what she prefers? Edit: I should also note that she sometimes gets annoyed when I try planning things so much. She's more spontaneous than me. Not sure how that plays into the discussion. Edited August 7, 2014 by antineutrino
daisydook Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I mean, fortunately, it seems you two are both trying to accommodate other people in your life (roommates,) so you are both understanding of the situation, one would hope. I would mention all the options you have come up with, ask her if she has any ideas, include her in this, and try not to make it a stressful, unhappy discussion. It is kind of a tough situation, considering she now believes your roommates hate her, or dislike her. You will learn to communicate and compromise on this, and it sounds like everything should be ok. I am not sure how long you have been together. I would continue living where you are living, and in 9-10 months time (or 7-8 months time if you have to give 60 days notice to your roommates/landlord you are leaving) consider living together. I wouldnt go through the stress of subletting and moving and all the other things listed just to rush into living together to spend every waking moment with her. If you see one another 3 days a week anyway, with a new set up (2 at her place, 1 at yours,) you may see one another a little less, but I think it would be healthy. Lol. I would kill my boyfriend if we spent that much time together so early on. You need to miss people a little sometimes. When the relationship matures more, and we have been together longer, spending more time together would be more understandable. How often was your girlfriend staying there? Was she practically living with you??? I can understand your roommates saying what they did if she was staying 4-7 days a week. The main point I want to make is not to make this a stressful conversation. Make this more about coming together as a team, and figuring this all out together. I love living on my own and pay a lot of money to do so. I do know not everyone is able to live alone financially. So does my boyfriend. He owns a condo of his own. I rent an apartment of my own. We are not in a place in our relationship where we should be living together since we haven't been together that long yet. We are great, have lots of love, and get along well. We love spending time together, and really enjoy each others company... but we each have our own homes. There is no rush when it comes to living with someone, no matter what your age. I spend more money living alone, but I have my safe haven to come to when the world has gone awry, or if anything went wrong and no one to tell me who I can or cant have here 7 days a week. I would hate to rush living with him, just to find out we really dont work together. So we wont be rushing anything. We are 30 and 35, if that helps.
Author antineutrino Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 I would mention all the options you have come up with, ask her if she has any ideas, include her in this, and try not to make it a stressful, unhappy discussion. It is kind of a tough situation, considering she now believes your roommates hate her, or dislike her. You will learn to communicate and compromise on this, and it sounds like everything should be ok. I am not sure how long you have been together. I would continue living where you are living, and in 9-10 months time (or 7-8 months time if you have to give 60 days notice to your roommates/landlord you are leaving) consider living together. I wouldnt go through the stress of subletting and moving and all the other things listed just to rush into living together to spend every waking moment with her. If you see one another 3 days a week anyway, with a new set up (2 at her place, 1 at yours,) you may see one another a little less, but I think it would be healthy. Lol. I would kill my boyfriend if we spent that much time together so early on. You need to miss people a little sometimes. When the relationship matures more, and we have been together longer, spending more time together would be more understandable. How often was your girlfriend staying there? Was she practically living with you??? I can understand your roommates saying what they did if she was staying 4-7 days a week. The main point I want to make is not to make this a stressful conversation. Make this more about coming together as a team, and figuring this all out together. Thanks for your response! We've been together around 7.5 months now. We've been seeing each other around ~6 nights a week, but it's been split between the two apartments -- it's not like we were spending 7 consecutive days at one apartment. So, spending ~3-4 nights together would be a decrease. I agree that moving and subletting would be fairly stressful, so that option has always come across as a bit unappealing to me... What you say makes a lot of sense. One of my best friends seems to think I shouldn't really have the discussion, and should instead just leave it in her court because she doesn't like it when I plan a lot. But I'm not sure since that's the exact opposite of what you're suggesting.
clia Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I actually think option 3 is your best option. Since you both live with others, it is important to take their feelings into account, and even 3 or 4 nights a week is a lot, in my opinion. I've been in the roommate situation and it's annoying. I think you should just mention to her that considering how both of your roommates feel about things, you should cut back on the number of nights you spend together each week. If you are planning to move in together in 9-10 months anyway, I'm sure you'll survive not spending every night together.
Author antineutrino Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 I actually think option 3 is your best option. Since you both live with others, it is important to take their feelings into account, and even 3 or 4 nights a week is a lot, in my opinion. I've been in the roommate situation and it's annoying. I think you should just mention to her that considering how both of your roommates feel about things, you should cut back on the number of nights you spend together each week. If you are planning to move in together in 9-10 months anyway, I'm sure you'll survive not spending every night together. This makes sense. One friend said that if she chooses option 2, and I'm not 100% willing to move, then I shouldn't bring it up. If I do bring it up, it makes it sound like I'm open to the idea. Moreover, if she's just expressing her dissatisfaction with the situation generally, but isn't looking for me to fix the problem, then presenting a list of solutions might be irritating to her. My friend suggested that I ask her whether she's OK with the status quo, or whether she would prefer that we had some sort of system on the number of days we are at each other's places each week. That I'm willing to limit the overnights if it will make her more comfortable and less stressed. But ultimately the ball is in her court.
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