coralsmith Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I had a breakup a few months ago and haven't really been dating since. It got to me quite badly so I'm not sure i'm ready to date just yet. The problem is, I have a really high sex drive. And I don't particularly like ONS for a variety of reasons. So the perfect solution for me is to find someone I'm not interested in dating, who is free to hookup when I feel like it. A male friend of mine introduced me to one of his friends, who he knew fit this bill, on a night out. I ended up sleeping with him. Surprisingly, he was pretty good in bed and I had fun. I told him as much, and hinted that I would like to do it again. He was very complimentary - at one point saying I was the most attractive girl he'd ever been with and went so far as to say how I could do so much better than my ex (aka, he's perfect Fbuddy material) However i think I might have confused things a bit - I mentioned I wasn't a huge fan of ONS. I had meant him to take this to mean, I didn't see this as an option and would prefer to sleep with him again. But I think instead he took it the wrong way. I also asked him to keep it quiet - he has a lot of mutual friends with my ex and I'd prefer it not to get back to him. Again, I think he took this the wrong way, asking me if I was embarrassed. I added him on facebook, and started chatting to him (trying to lay some groundwork). He wasn't giving me an awful lot to go with, being fairly unresponsive. And I just didn't have the nerve to outright ask him to be my Fbuddy. Finally, I bumped into him a few days later on a night out- I was with friends and didn't want to have to explain to them who he was, plus he took me by surprise. So I barely managed a nod of hello to him. I didn't think it was a huge deal - he didn't approach me the rest of the night anyway. I didn't think much of it, I spent the night with my friends and didn't go near him. He sent me a message at 5am, providing an explanation as to why he hadn't come over to say hi properly. He explained my ex was there and that it had been awkward. I was confused because I hadn't been aware of being near my ex most of the night and didn't recall even seeing much of this guy. He brushed it off. I asked him if it was a booty call (a message at 5am?!). He assured me it wasn't. He finds me attractive - he definitely said so! he's single, and he knows I don't want anything more. So WHY is this guy making it so hard for me to have sex with him again?! Is there any way to salvage this?!
Mrs Carter Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 The whole idea of FB is that you aren't supposed to care this much. 7
taiko Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I thought it was the other way. That you started off as buddy's and the sex came at an opportune time. But that there were other factors that stopped you from officially announcing your status as a couple.
Art_Critic Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 You can't play the 'you chase me' game with a FB setup, just text him and ask him to come over. 8
ASG Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 You can't play the 'you chase me' game with a FB setup, just text him and ask him to come over. This. So many times this!! What do you expect? If you don't make some sort of effort, he'll chalk it up to you not being interested and move on. Also, asking if it was a booty call gives him the impression you don't like those.. but I have news for you... F buddies are all about the booty calls. Just call him and ask if he wants to hang out. Then have sex. Rinse and repeat. That is how you get a FB. Not by playing stupid games.
JohnM Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Above have nailed it. You're over complicating things, you don't have to set out demands etc. Just be clear and prompt him for sex when you want it. Failing that, I'm available and know a good dynamic.
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Most guys, and especially this guy....doesn't really it's this easy sometimes, they over-complicate, they over-think because they're used to women giving them drama and crap for every little thing that goes on...when a girl like you comes along and is basically "call me for a good time", a guy might not know what to do with it, you might be the first person to approach him with an easy FWB situation...a lot of guys are not used to that. So you've got to be aggressive and approach him and invite him over, he'll eventually rub the two little wires in his head and get the "idea" that you're not going to give him a difficult time just for sleeping with you...like eventually wanting a relationship, especially when you share a circle, he doesn't want any "drama"...he already slept with it, he's already got his notch on his belt, he likely just doesn't really he can come back for seconds and thirds and nothing "bad" will happen...like there will be no consequence. So just be really straight-forward about everything, stop trying to give him the idea because chances are he's too inexperienced to pick up on it...I don't know why you expect him to necessarily do more in this situation. Invite him over for "booty calls"...after he humps you all night long, tell him; - No drama, you're looking for a FWB/casual sex - No strings attached, no tricks or traps - Just fun, no worries Most guys would do cartwheels to your house hearing that. Just make sure you're not too "easy" or he'll think something is weird about it or there's some issues with you...which granted, there probably is, but it doesn't matter, he doesn't have to know that...only reason I see him turning you down is if he's trying to get back with is ex or just really scared to move forward. 3
Author coralsmith Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 Most guys, and especially this guy....doesn't really it's this easy sometimes, they over-complicate, they over-think because they're used to women giving them drama and crap for every little thing that goes on...when a girl like you comes along and is basically "call me for a good time", a guy might not know what to do with it, you might be the first person to approach him with an easy FWB situation...a lot of guys are not used to that. So you've got to be aggressive and approach him and invite him over, he'll eventually rub the two little wires in his head and get the "idea" that you're not going to give him a difficult time just for sleeping with you...like eventually wanting a relationship, especially when you share a circle, he doesn't want any "drama"...he already slept with it, he's already got his notch on his belt, he likely just doesn't really he can come back for seconds and thirds and nothing "bad" will happen...like there will be no consequence. So just be really straight-forward about everything, stop trying to give him the idea because chances are he's too inexperienced to pick up on it...I don't know why you expect him to necessarily do more in this situation. Invite him over for "booty calls"...after he humps you all night long, tell him; - No drama, you're looking for a FWB/casual sex - No strings attached, no tricks or traps - Just fun, no worries Most guys would do cartwheels to your house hearing that. Just make sure you're not too "easy" or he'll think something is weird about it or there's some issues with you...which granted, there probably is, but it doesn't matter, he doesn't have to know that...only reason I see him turning you down is if he's trying to get back with is ex or just really scared to move forward. There are no issues with me. And to be honest - what I think a lot of you guys aren't taking into consideration, is that for a female to be that forward about wanting sex - society is usually quite hard about. Women aren't allowed to be as blasé about it as men can. Guys are able to put it out there and say "I want sex", in a way women can't. If we do, we an get looked upon as either slutty, or that we must have "issues"
Author coralsmith Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 This. So many times this!! What do you expect? If you don't make some sort of effort, he'll chalk it up to you not being interested and move on. Also, asking if it was a booty call gives him the impression you don't like those.. but I have news for you... F buddies are all about the booty calls. Just call him and ask if he wants to hang out. Then have sex. Rinse and repeat. That is how you get a FB. Not by playing stupid games. I am making effort! I added him on facebook, i've tried talking to him, but like I said, either he's trying to be dismissive on purpose or he is shocking at communication. If the conversation flowed a bit more, I could bring it up gradually and gauge his thoughts, instead of diving right in there! If he'd said "yes, it was a booty call" (which it probably was) I could've said "Oh well, how about another time then?" He literally takes days to respond to my fb messages. Maybe it's not a good idea - I'd be waiting months for any booty calls.
CarrieT Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 There are no issues with me. This statement above ^^^ Contradicts this statement below VVV And to be honest - what I think a lot of you guys aren't taking into consideration, is that for a female to be that forward about wanting sex - society is usually quite hard about. Women aren't allowed to be as blasé about it as men can. Guys are able to put it out there and say "I want sex", in a way women can't. If we do, we an get looked upon as either slutty, or that we must have "issues" You need to not worry about what "society" says if you really have no issues about it. I was in your shoes and openly called guys over for sex. Because I was not vested in what they thought about me, "society" had no idea what I was doing so it was a non-issue. See your double-standard isn't working here... 1
Author coralsmith Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 (edited) This statement above ^^^ Contradicts this statement below VVV You need to not worry about what "society" says if you really have no issues about it. I was in your shoes and openly called guys over for sex. Because I was not vested in what they thought about me, "society" had no idea what I was doing so it was a non-issue. See your double-standard isn't working here... It doesn't at all and it's not a double standard. Personally, I am an emotionally well-adjusted, intelligent, happy, successful female. As long as people don't hurt themselves or others, I wouldn't look down on someone for their actions. It's not my issue that other people (society) are judgemental. That's their issue. I think some of the comments above have illustrated how men might find it hard to know how to handle a situation where a woman is sexually assertive. In fact, civilisations all over the world, for thousands of years, have felt ambiguous about sexually assertive women. So I'm not going to come down too hard on this guy over it... YOU sound judgemental, otherwise why would you feel the need to comment? But hey, that's your issue. Edited August 7, 2014 by coralsmith
CarrieT Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 YOU sound judgemental, otherwise why would you feel the need to comment? But hey, that's your issue. I'm commenting because I am a woman who has had LOTS of f**k-buddies and have no judgment whatsoever. You are the one who brought up societal disapproval and seem concerned about it. You are the one who seems to be game-playing in dealing with this guy, versus just contacting him for a booty call. 2
pteromom Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 And to be honest - what I think a lot of you guys aren't taking into consideration, is that for a female to be that forward about wanting sex - society is usually quite hard about. Women aren't allowed to be as blasé about it as men can. Guys are able to put it out there and say "I want sex", in a way women can't. If we do, we an get looked upon as either slutty, or that we must have "issues" And? You can't let society dictate who you are. You want sex, go out and ask for it girlfriend. Society can go screw itself. 1
Tayken Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 And? You can't let society dictate who you are. You want sex, go out and ask for it girlfriend. Society can go screw itself. Now with that kind of attitude...you are part of "society" might I remind you I'm commenting because I am a woman who has had LOTS of f**k-buddies This is my type of woman at this stage in my life, and I have a couple of them including the mother of one of my son's friend. She sure as hell knows that am not looking for anything serious, or about to take on her baggage but am more than happy to bang her at a moment's notice She cooks, we go see a movie, make out...everyone is happy. I am getting more action than married people and those in serious relationships...but without the drama 1
Author coralsmith Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 I'm commenting because I am a woman who has had LOTS of f**k-buddies and have no judgment whatsoever. You are the one who brought up societal disapproval and seem concerned about it. You are the one who seems to be game-playing in dealing with this guy, versus just contacting him for a booty call. Well I'm not
CarrieT Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Well I'm not You are not concerned about society? You are not game-playing? Or you are not going to contact him for a booty call? I'm confused...
marcjb Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 (edited) There are no issues with me. And to be honest - what I think a lot of you guys aren't taking into consideration, is that for a female to be that forward about wanting sex - society is usually quite hard about. Women aren't allowed to be as blasé about it as men can. Guys are able to put it out there and say "I want sex", in a way women can't. If we do, we an get looked upon as either slutty, or that we must have "issues" Yea, because in the end it's usually the woman's decision to have sex. 9 times out of 10 if a woman were to walk up to a stranger and ask a guy to have sex, the guy will say yes. 1 time out of 10 if a guy walks up to a woman she would say yes. There is generally a challenge for men and none for women which makes a woman that has sex easily / with a bunch of people a sl*t, wh*re, ect. Even for a good looking guy there is a challenge (I know, because I am one). For a good looking woman there is virtually no challenge. That's why a girl will be labeled the above or easy and it just does not apply to a man. Edited August 7, 2014 by marcjb
thefooloftheyear Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Yea, because in the end it's usually the woman's decision to have sex. 9 times out of 10 if a woman were to walk up to a stranger and ask a guy to have sex, the guy will say yes. 1 time out of 10 if a guy walks up to a woman she would say yes. There is generally a challenge for men and none for women which makes a woman that has sex easily / with a bunch of people a sl*t, wh*re, ect. Even for a good looking guy there is a challenge (I know, because I am one). For even a relatively homely looking woman there is virtually no challenge. That's why a girl will be labeled the above or easy and it just does not apply to a man. There.... I fixed it for you... TFY 4
marcjb Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I actually should have said "even for a remotely decent looking woman".
TXGuy Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 There are no issues with me. And to be honest - what I think a lot of you guys aren't taking into consideration, is that for a female to be that forward about wanting sex - society is usually quite hard about. Women aren't allowed to be as blasé about it as men can. Guys are able to put it out there and say "I want sex", in a way women can't. If we do, we an get looked upon as either slutty, or that we must have "issues" You are not putting up a billboard with your picture on it advertising you are interviewing f*ck buddies, so you don't have to worry about what society thinks. Simply text or call him and ask if he wants to come over to 'watch a movie'. That is vague enough that it won't be interpreted as 'slutty.' You will likely not have to do any initiating beyond that. Just snuggle up with him on the couch. Chances are you will not be paying attention to the movie 15 minutes later. Sex is almost assured at this point as long as you don't stop things. Later, as he is leaving, with a sexy look in your eyes, tell him, "that was fantastic. We have to do this again sometime." Bingo. You now have a f*ck buddy. It didn't take much work and no one else has to know. 1
Quiet Storm Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I'm married to a black guy. If I concerned myself with what SOME of society thinks, then I'd have to hide my husband and my kids. Be authentic. If they judge you (and they will, so accept it), then eff 'em. 3
Lernaean_Hydra Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I see where you're coming from but it really isn't that difficult, and far less so than you're making it out to be. You don't even have to be all that forward or aggressive to get your point across. Send him a text, invite him over for a drink around or after 9pm. He'll get the message loud and clear. Then, like another poster said, lay out the ground rules and let him know exactly what it is you're looking for.
Tayken Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I'm married to a black guy. If I concerned myself with what SOME of society thinks, then I'd have to hide my husband and my kids. Be authentic. If they judge you (and they will, so accept it), then eff 'em. Big deal....so what? There are White men married to Oriental, Asian, Black, Eastern / Western European men. I personally think it's stupid that people for some reason think they have to marry someone that looks like them (even if it means putting their happiness 2nd) If someone looks different but grew in the same environment / culture as you, doesn't that make both of you similar in your rationale...considering you speak the same, went to the same school system, etc? Every woman wants to marry a "cute guy", but that ain't going to happen
SpiralOut Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 You said in your first post that you gave him the wrong idea. Because of this, he is playing it cool. He doesn't know if you are the type of girl who will get pissed off and slap him if he tries to hook up with you again. He doesn't know what you want. For all he knows, you are trying to date him because you want him as your boyfriend. He has no way of knowing what you want unless you say something. The ball is in your court. Be straight up. 1
Mrs Carter Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 It doesn't at all and it's not a double standard. Personally, I am an emotionally well-adjusted, intelligent, happy, successful female. As long as people don't hurt themselves or others, I wouldn't look down on someone for their actions. That's probably the problem. If you are well adjusted, fb arrangements are not for you. I think you are looking for a relationship. Otherwise you would have given up on the guy by now and screwed someone else. This 'society this society that' is BS.
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