Mysterio Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 So my buddy D is dating a woman that is still legally married. From what I understand. There has been no traction on desolving the marriage. They can't really move on to thier own full fleged relationship if she is still legally married. She has kids as well. Why is it that Men are week when it comes to this part of our lives. Being with a woman at all costs. I can't see if the situation was reversed and my Buddy D had two kids and was still legally married and not doing anything about. I can't see his GF-C doing hanging around him. Is it really that hard to get a divorce if you have two kids, and they are already in the routine between being shuffled back and forth between parents? Why bother draging thier feet. Why not move on in a amicable way. By the way C is at least 38Her kids aer 9 annd 12. Why bother keeping everyone in limbo. How are D and C supposed to start a life and live together as a couple if C is not progressing into divorce. It will be year 2 by the time 2015 hits. I know that D is embarrsed by C being divorced as his parents disapproved. It affects our friendship as I feel he is being used by C. D does not have any other romantic options. Yet at anytime. I feel like C could get back with her ex. Its not like the kids would not want it to happen. What do yo all think?
Ninjainpajamas Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 "D does not have any other romantic options." 2
ascendotum Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 "D does not have any other romantic options." You said it. Also from his perspective the situation might not be so bad as it is too you. Some people don't care if the other person is still technically married if for all intents & purposes they fulfill the role of a good bf/gf or fwb. Maybe he doesn't care one way or the other and is happy enough with the current situation, especially when he is getting regular sex and is not getting any winks from other women. How is he getting used? 2
Tayken Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 So my buddy D is dating a woman that is still legally married. From what I understand. There has been no traction on desolving the marriage. They can't really move on to thier own full fleged relationship if she is still legally married. She has kids as well. Why is it that Men are week when it comes to this part of our lives. Being with a woman at all costs. I can't see if the situation was reversed and my Buddy D had two kids and was still legally married and not doing anything about. I can't see his GF-C doing hanging around him. Is it really that hard to get a divorce if you have two kids, and they are already in the routine between being shuffled back and forth between parents? Why bother draging thier feet. Why not move on in a amicable way. By the way C is at least 38Her kids aer 9 annd 12. Why bother keeping everyone in limbo. How are D and C supposed to start a life and live together as a couple if C is not progressing into divorce. It will be year 2 by the time 2015 hits. I know that D is embarrsed by C being divorced as his parents disapproved. It affects our friendship as I feel he is being used by C. D does not have any other romantic options. Yet at anytime. I feel like C could get back with her ex. Its not like the kids would not want it to happen. What do yo all think? BOLD 1: It's not just men, there are a lot of women who have blatantly admitted, "they don't like being on their own". Read: They will do anything to be in a relationship i.e. desperate BOLD 2: NO it is NOT that difficult to get a divorce. I got mine early this week after 2yrs, and the only reason it took that long is because of the financials (joint), and ex not disclosing her financials that made it take that long. Here in Canada, you have to have been separated for 1yr in order for the family law court to grant a divorce "D" is only seeing sex at the moment as the woman is obviously enjoying the attention (read: self esteem boost), and D is getting some. Is he even ready to take on 2 kids, and does he know that he can end up paying child support as a step parent?
central Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Is this woman physically separated, as in moved into her own place? Is she very clear and adamant that she won't reconcile, and do her actions match her words? If so, still being married isn't necessarily a big deal. If your friend wants marriage and children of his own with her, then that's not advisable until she's divorced, but otherwise what does it matter, really? As long as he's happy with the relationship as is, let him be.
Got it Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I think there needs to be clarification the state of this marriage. Are they legally separated? Have they, for all intents and purposes, separated everything? If so this not the same thing. There are many that will stay married but legally separated. This can be for financial reasons, healthcare, etc. I don't see why it matters or is an issue if both parties agree. This is something that when one starts dating they need to communicate but not everyone is looking to tie the knot again so it isn't anything more than a financial set up. I am also not understanding why you care. How does this involve you? How do you know that this impacts moving their relationship forward? The only thing you stated that your friend has an issue with is her being divorced. Well that isn't going to change even if this changes so that is a decision he will need to make; if he can date someone that has been married. She can't screw that pooch no matter what she does. I really am scratching my head why you are so involved in this and why it matters to you.
joystickd Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 From a person that has spent a lot of time with married women there is a benefit to it. They can always go back. If they are talking divorce it's best to stay away. They will get on their own realize they can't do it then go back to their husband to work it out. Plus it's their way of not having to worry about being alone. They always have someone and usually she has someone else too in addition to you and the husband. It's best to find a single woman because it's less headache.
GoBlue Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 How are D and C supposed to start a life and live together as a couple if C is not progressing into divorce. It will be year 2 by the time 2015 hits. I know that D is embarrsed by C being divorced as his parents disapproved. It affects our friendship as I feel he is being used by C. D does not have any other romantic options. Yet at anytime. I feel like C could get back with her ex. Its not like the kids would not want it to happen. What do yo all think? Do you really think that if C were to divorce that she and D will have a happy romantic life together? C may be using D but D is using C just the same. The real question is why D would willingly and actively pursue a woman whom he knows to be married. Of course he is embarrassed, dating a married woman is not considered an honorable thing by most people who have any kind of a moral compass.
Tayken Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Do you really think that if C were to divorce that she and D will have a happy romantic life together? C may be using D but D is using C just the same. The real question is why D would willingly and actively pursue a woman whom he knows to be married. Of course he is embarrassed, dating a married woman is not considered an honorable thing by most people who have any kind of a moral compass. Really...you had to ask that question? I guess D is more interested in 2nd hand goods i.e. he is a dumpster diver
MissBee Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Read the Other Woman/Other Man forum here...many many women also date married men with children and stick around in the situation. However we all have choices and if they want to be together legitimately she can choose to take that step to divorce and D can also choose to make that a criteria for continuing to see her. Will they though is the question? Many people in these scenarios feel invested and thus they wait and push back dates of when X is to happen and put up with the situation hoping it will resolve itself.Most things don't resolve by magic though and usually somebody has to make active choices about what to do.
SadNLonley Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I have a friend who is dating a woman who is still living with her husband. They have 2 kids. They say the marriage is completely over, but neither can afford to separate and live on their own. My friend who is dating her says its a messed up situation, but he is still dating her. I dont ask many details, but they have been dating now about 2 years. I guess while they are content all is well.
marcjb Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 is asking for trouble. There, I finished the thread's subject line. 1
marcjb Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I have a friend who is dating a woman who is still living with her husband. They have 2 kids. They say the marriage is completely over, but neither can afford to separate and live on their own. My friend who is dating her says its a messed up situation, but he is still dating her. I dont ask many details, but they have been dating now about 2 years. I guess while they are content all is well. I can understand not having the money for the divorce, but why are they still living together? Sounds like there is more to the story.
ascendotum Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I can understand not having the money for the divorce, but why are they still living together? Sounds like there is more to the story. I assumed with the OP's friend's situation, that the woman had moved out and divorces can take a few years if one of the parties is not co-operative. Some people I have found have separated but don't really make any effort to divorce (not sure if there was a tax benefit). If the separated but still married woman is still living under the same roof as her husband, then that's too weird for me to want to get involved beyond nsa sex. The person could be feeding you a line and are just cheating. Maybe it is like this for the D guy.
Author Mysterio Posted August 8, 2014 Author Posted August 8, 2014 Let me clear up a couple of things. D lives in his Parents house which he inherited from them as he was taking care of a relative that is now deceased. Technically its his parents house. They live close by in another house. So if he leaves. He financially does not come out ahead. Although, it would be nice if his parents kicked him out 5 grand of the sale of the house for all the years he has kept the house up. I know that he has stated that he is not going to get anything if he leaves. So it will be up to his savings. The house is paid off so I guess D is paying property tax and house hold bills. C lives in a house with her children. Her Ex does not live with her. So I suspect that when her Ex was with her. It was their house together. She has an arrangement with her ex. The kids stay with him 3 out of 7 days and the scehdual rotates as the Father is on the road. I have not heard any news on what the hold up is with the divorce. The only thing I could see is that they have issues about who gets the house. That cold be solved by selling the house and C and her ex go buy condo's or other houses. If its not the house asset that is the problem. I don't know what it is, because it does not feel to me like C wants to get back with her ex. I just don't want to see my buddy get hoodwinked. I have another friend B who got raked over the coals, because he turned a blind eye to his ex S's soap opera lifestyle. My take on this at age 43 is that I don't want to end up in any romantic situation, where if I meet a woman named J and it does not work out, and then I meet T and we are great. I don't want T to feel the burden of J in our relationship. Which means. I can't let any gooey romantic relationship block me from weather the woman I am dating is a great match/ has no major baggage on her side, contributes negatively to the demise of any future relationship If I move on with someone else. So it means that I have to take in account of who I am with at all times. I on my side have no major baggage in a form of an ex that could cause stress on the new lady I am with, it I was currently attached. I have no kids or exs that will cause problems. I have my own condo. I have a cat. I am in good health and have a very stable steady job. I believe that alot of people get stuck in bad relationships is because they really just ignored the red flags and are so love struck staved for romantic attention that they put up with anything. We are all so sold on this notion that if you don't have a romantic relationship. You are not thriving as a person. At this point in life I am fighting my jadedness towards women in a romantic context. So when I look at my friends D and B. I don't want to got thru that. D is really a big kid who is going to have to grow up if his currenly lady does not get her act together and clear a path for her and D to grow together and are able to be together if she does not get a divorce. I don't see D as being down with his GF being technically legally married for years to come. Considering that the are both 38 and turning 39 this year. I know for myself. I would have been out by month 4 if I saw no legal traction of my lady not getting a divorce.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 I can't see if the situation was reversed and my Buddy D had two kids and was still legally married and not doing anything about. I can't see his GF-C doing hanging around him. Go read in the OW/OM section. C is not divorcing her husband. People who want to get a divorce, do so! Tell your friend to detach and distance himself from this woman as he is going to get hurt.
Got it Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 So my buddy D is dating a woman that is still legally married. From what I understand. There has been no traction on desolving the marriage. They can't really move on to thier own full fleged relationship if she is still legally married. She has kids as well. Why is it that Men are week when it comes to this part of our lives. Being with a woman at all costs. I can't see if the situation was reversed and my Buddy D had two kids and was still legally married and not doing anything about. I can't see his GF-C doing hanging around him. Is it really that hard to get a divorce if you have two kids, and they are already in the routine between being shuffled back and forth between parents? Why bother draging thier feet. Why not move on in a amicable way. By the way C is at least 38Her kids aer 9 annd 12. Why bother keeping everyone in limbo. How are D and C supposed to start a life and live together as a couple if C is not progressing into divorce. It will be year 2 by the time 2015 hits. I know that D is embarrsed by C being divorced as his parents disapproved. It affects our friendship as I feel he is being used by C. D does not have any other romantic options. Yet at anytime. I feel like C could get back with her ex. Its not like the kids would not want it to happen. What do yo all think? Did people miss this or are just too myopic about the MARRIED status to see it? They are in separate households. This is not a case of two very intertwined married people with one stepping out.
HermioneG Posted August 11, 2014 Posted August 11, 2014 Did people miss this or are just too myopic about the MARRIED status to see it? They are in separate households. This is not a case of two very intertwined married people with one stepping out. No. It is not. You are correct. But people who wish to be divorced? Become divorced. So it may not be the classical affair situation, but it has the same result.
Got it Posted August 12, 2014 Posted August 12, 2014 No. It is not. You are correct. But people who wish to be divorced? Become divorced. So it may not be the classical affair situation, but it has the same result. Not really. Many people are legally separated but not divorced though both sides operate as such for all intents and purposes. I can't FATHOM why it is so hard for people to concede this point. Many people will stay separate for legal and financial reasons that has nothing to do with the marriage vows or needing to stay loyal to them. So no it does not have the same result.
spiderowl Posted August 13, 2014 Posted August 13, 2014 It is possible to be completely separated, emotionally and physically, but not be divorced. I was separated for many years because I simply could not afford to get divorced. I went through a very tough time and feeding my children was a priority over getting a bit of paper. I did not want to get back with my ex, that was never part of it, it was purely practical and for survival. Divorce can be time-consuming, complicated and difficult for some, due to financial restrictions, sale of family home, and so on. Both may simply be working through practicalities and hence not divorced. There is also the possibility that somone is not divorced because one or the other does not want to be, is still in love with their partner. Anyone contemplating a relationship with a separated person should really find out what their feelings are for their ex before getting emotionally involved. People can say one thing but do another. 'Obsession' with the other partner may be one indicator they are not 'over' the relationship, needing to see them often or always needing to know who they are with/what they are doing might be another. Whatever the situation, it's wise to be cautious if dating someone separated. If they are still going through the process of divorce, it is emotionally demanding, draining and upsetting. They may need a period of time following the end of the relationship to enjoy their freedom and may not be ready for emotional involvement with another. They may be vulnerable and seeking support not a new serious relationship. Separation can be mean lots of different situations; it just means find out what the reality is before investing in a relationship. This applies to all kinds of relationships though.
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