unmotivated girlfriend

[boomboom123]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm facing a dilemma with my gf of 1.5 years and i want your opinions. I'm 27, gf is 24, and we are in a serious relationship. Our relationship had our ups and downs, but we stayed together because we love each other. My dilemma is this -- i'm a 27 year old young professional, went to a top university in the US, have a great 6 figure paying job, my own place, independent, and i also like to have fun on weekend whether it would be hainging out with gf, friends, music festivals, etc. Same goes for my network of friends that i hang out with. I used to party a lot before the relationship, but toned down a bit once my gf and i started dating.

Gf is a good looking girl, good personality, but i guess our difference is that she didn't go to college (due to family money problems growing up), doesnt have a job, and has really no motivation or desire, no hobbies other than using social media (fb, instagram), and trying to look good.

 

At first i didn't think this would be a problem since i was just thinking 'oh as long as we love each other it doesnt matter". But in the last few months, i began thinking if she's the right one for me. We do love each other and all that, but i see my friends dating other girls who are like us -- educated, job, has some motivation to do something with their lives. My gf really has no desire to do anything other than hang out with me, and to put it bluntly -- just sits at home all day and doodles around social media.

 

Ive tried tlaking to her about going to school, getting a degree, getting a job even. But she's too prideful to work at a 'labor' job and would rather just be broke and depend on me. The dilemma is that she really does love me alot and i can feel that -- but i'm not 100% sure if i want to spend the rest of my life with her because i dont want to regret later for not looking for a more motivated girl who can help with expenses, raise my kids with education as a priority (as i've been raised), and just not depend on me for eternity.

 

Am i wrong to be thinking this way? Does love really conquer all? Or should i be acting more realistically and find a girl with a job who has hopes and dreams & interests that we can talk about?

[Grilled_Salmon]

Hm, does she have any particular goals or career in mind, or even expressed even the most slightest of either?

 

If she's not interested in getting a job, and would rather be penniless and depend on you, that's likely a recipe waiting for disaster if you two ever decide to get married and start a family. Maybe try encourage her to look for jobs or courses that require the use of social media?

[Ronni_W]

Does love really conquer all? Or should i be acting more realistically and find a girl with a job who has hopes and dreams & interests that we can talk about?

NO...love does not conquer all. (I'm not sure where that saying originated, but have come to think it must be an out-of-context biblical, or other faith-based text, quote.)

 

And NO...you are not wrong to be looking at and thinking about all of your future realistically, maturely and with eyes wide open.

 

I do think that in a successful marriage there must be a good number of mutual values and goals...and each must be generally okay with the other's individual dreams, aspirations. None of this seems to be present at the moment, if I'm properly interpreting your post.

A strongly compatible sex life is a must (IMO). And some same hobbies, interests is always a good thing, too. And if being able to have interesting, stimulating conversation and companionship is important to you, then it's important and you ought not ignore that...or anything else that you want, need, expect, hope for from your romantic relationship/marriage.

 

(As you already seem to know) Good looks and a good personality are not enough to help overcome life's inevitable challenges, obstacles, ups-and-downs.

 

To me...I know it's a long-term relationship...but I think you already know what will be in your own long-term best interest for your own long-term happiness, fulfillment, enjoyment of life.

[boomboom123]

Thanks Ronnie, i think you really put into words what i was thinking and trying to say. We just don't have mutual values. She's a great gal, fun, energetic, and takes care of me by cooking for me here and there in a very home-y motherly way. But at the same time, i'm 27. I have a career and dreams i want to accomplish, and i guess i want to be awed and able to look up to my gf (future wife) for quality life advices and be able to share my aspirations. Yes, we have great sex, we have a lot of fun going out and hanging out...but i guess deep inside, i want to find someone who i can share the values that you mentioned beside for sex and fun part..plus, how nice would it be if my gf is able to take me out to dinner every once in a while or pay for our dates instead of me breaking bank everytime we do something

[xxmusical]

Sometimes love does not conquer all. If you continue with this relationship, in a few years' time or even less, you will get tired of your gf relying on you for everything. You two have different social circles (friends are educated/professionals). You have dreams and goals you want to achieve while her dream is probably to get the most likes on Instagram. If she were to start a business or something on FB/IG, that's a different issue. But she doesn't even sound like she wants to earn money at all.

 

It's good thinking on your part; it shows that you're mature and planning for your future realistically.

 

To be honest, if I were your gf and went out with your circle of friends, I'd probably feel ashamed since you all have successful careers, while I'm just sitting at home scrolling FB. But this would be the very motivation towards working on my own career/future. But it appears your gf isn't willing to and never thought of this...

 

It's important for both persons in a relationship to have dreams and goals. It keeps the relationship going. Or else one person would surpass the other and create an imbalance.

[Ronni_W]

...plus, how nice would it be if my gf is able to take me out to dinner every once in a while or pay for our dates instead of me breaking bank everytime we do something

Since you have started thinking/feeling that way now...you will come to resent greatly it before too long. And it won't just be dinner, it'll be vacations and weekends away and concert or ballet tickets, too.

 

In any case, why are you "breaking the bank" every time you go out? If you feel that's what you're doing, then you can't afford the kinds of outings you've been having. Worse, though, is that it comes across that you've got some kind of debits-and-credits ledger going on in your head...of which she isn't even aware.

 

It kind of sounds as if you're building a stronger and stronger case for dumping her when you're ready to do that. Probably preferable to just pull the plug now...and save her and yourself from a little bit of extra heartbreak.

 

You absolutely do have the right to choose exactly the kind of life and lifestyle and wife that you want...but also need to be kind and compassionate with everything that you do not want

[acrosstheuniverse]

This feeling will grow and fester. You have to have similar goals and values in life. I could never respect somebody who didn't have an interest in working enough to have a relationship. It's not even that somebody has to be career-minded and driven in a particular area, if someone has the drive to go to work every day even at a job they hate and can support themselves financially then that's pretty much enough for me. I've done more than enough work at jobs I hate to know that it's harder to mentally tolerate working on checkouts every single day than it is to work at a job with responsibility, emotional trauma and crazy busy-ness that you actually love.

 

My boyfriend isn't really bothered what he does for a living as long as he can support himself, so he goes for pretty much standard minimum wage jobs and gets his kicks out of work being driven at his hobbies, which I admire. It works well with me as I'm career minded and my career involves moving where the work is, so we can move together for the right job for me and he can get anything in the area. With two people who are both madly career minded/driven it can tear you apart in some ways because you're both having to make decisions all of the time over whose career move takes precedence, especially if having to move cities is a feature of going where the work is.

 

Sounds like you're sick of your girlfriend already, and I'd be feeling used too if a partner was just leaching off my funds constantly. I mean where's her self respect, does she not even want to get a job in a clothes shop or waitressing so she can support herself and earn her own money? I just don't understand that mentality of laying around all day and letting others finance your lifestyle and if it's bothering you already it's only going to get worse. Being hot and great in bed is great but it's not really enough to offer somebody quality who you want to keep around.

[anna121]

I don't understand the mentality of someone (who isn't independently wealthy and who isn't caring for children) who doesn't feel the need to work. Um, what? That's just lazy.

 

A lazy person would be a deal breaker for me.

 

Sounds like this is a deal breaker for you. Also sounds like you are comparing her unfavorably to your friends' partners.

 

Bad sign.

[d0nnivain]

Love doesn't conquer anything.

 

If at 24 you think she's suddenly going to develop a work ethic ask your fancy university for a refund because you didn't learn much about human nature. If you marry her you will have to support her while she spends you into the poor house; don't forget to add in the costs of a housekeeper & child care because she's not going to do it.

 

If none of that appeals to you, keep having fun if you like but recognize that your divergent values make her a poor prospect for a continued serious relationship or marriage to you.

[still_an_Angel]

Depending on your values, goals and where you want to be in the future, I believe a partner should be heading in the same direction or can at least share your vision. She might not be able to achieve this all by herself but with some tools, she'll be able to get somehow. You're making all the money now and can plan for the inevitable (say you get incapacitated in the future) but will she have the drive to make it happen? These things are important when you're planning for the future, you have to think about the person you're leaving behind and their ability to drive the family forward.

 

I would personally prefer a spouse who has his own life, who is independent and has different interests, this provides balance and I know I can learn from his experiences as well. I wouldn't want my SO to be "sharing" all that I do and who would rely on me for decisions, plans, activities, etc. Then it will be boring because there's no variety. But maybe that works for others because they want to do everything together. You need to look at this as well.

But if you're quite happy that she can look good, be a great sex partner, looks after you, and is totally dependent on you, that could work too. Some people like that kind of partnership where one looks after the other with total devotion.

[TXGuy]

It sounds like her plan for the future is to have you pay for all of her wants and needs while she plays on Facebook all day...For the rest of her life.

 

I don't know too many people who would volunteer to be a host to a parasite.

 

I know you love her, but it sounds like you would just be taking on an entirely dependent person, rather than a partner. Some men would be ok with this as long as she was June Cleaver at home, but most men wouldn't want this.