ocean_blue Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I don't know where to turn anymore, I'm so so depressed about my ex and I can't get over him no matter how hard I try ALL of our friends in our old group are married to each other, with kids now (a lot of them were his cousins and their partners - and so now they are LITERALLY all family...) Seeing them all happily married to their longtime partners, with their kids all the same age and playing together, is killing me inside. The only thing I wanted in life - to have that with him - is gone forever. I've dated many other guys before and a few after our breakup, but I've never loved someone as much as I loved him. He's extremely good looking, sweet, sexy, hilarious, confident, a goofball, dresses amazing, ambitious, and the most fun person to be with in the world. On my birthdays he would sing to me in front of all our friends, take me on spontaneous trips to the beach and the best parties. He's so full of life. We had chemistry through the roof and had the best times together no matter what we were doing. The feeling I had with him was complete happiness and contentedness with life, and I've had that sucked out of me since the breakup years ago. Before him, I could always get over my exes in a reasonable amount of time and after the breakup, eventually feel confident that I would meet someone better suited to me. But after him.....I realised that this doesn't always happen. I've never felt the same way for anyone again. I feel like I can't even love that strongly ever again. I dream about him constantly. To backtrack, I need to tell the story of our breakup... Three things led to it. 1. He didn't come and see me in hospital when I had a hellish near death experience and was lying there terrified out of my mind. 2. He would make little comments to me ie. while he told me I was beautiful then and still does, he constantly tell me I needed a boob job, tell me I was too pale and to go to the solarium, tell me in front of people that his brothers girlfriend was much prettier than me And finally, 3. When I started developing an anxiety disorder due to the near death experience he was completely unsupportive. All he cared about was having a good time. He broke up with me telling me we could date again when I "got better". It's been years since our breakup, but randomly throughout the years (and even this month) he's reached out to me saying he loves me and he always wishes he hadn't ruined things between us and we were still together, and he has tried to get back together a few times. Even though he has a new girlfriend recently, he still says this to me. Something inside me tells me that I shouldn't be someone who treated me how he has, but I still love him so ****ing much. I've tried dating other people but I feel dead inside. I think about how all I ever wanted was to marry him and have his children all the time, and seeing our friends with that makes me so full of regret and depression. When he's married to his new girlfriend with kids I'm going to be shattered. Please tell me, am I better off not being with him?? It's so painful.
tornapartheart Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I don't know where to turn anymore, I'm so so depressed about my ex and I can't get over him no matter how hard I try ALL of our friends in our old group are married to each other, with kids now (a lot of them were his cousins and their partners - and so now they are LITERALLY all family...) Seeing them all happily married to their longtime partners, with their kids all the same age and playing together, is killing me inside. The only thing I wanted in life - to have that with him - is gone forever. I've dated many other guys before and a few after our breakup, but I've never loved someone as much as I loved him. He's extremely good looking, sweet, sexy, hilarious, confident, a goofball, dresses amazing, ambitious, and the most fun person to be with in the world. On my birthdays he would sing to me in front of all our friends, take me on spontaneous trips to the beach and the best parties. He's so full of life. We had chemistry through the roof and had the best times together no matter what we were doing. The feeling I had with him was complete happiness and contentedness with life, and I've had that sucked out of me since the breakup years ago. Before him, I could always get over my exes in a reasonable amount of time and after the breakup, eventually feel confident that I would meet someone better suited to me. But after him.....I realised that this doesn't always happen. I've never felt the same way for anyone again. I feel like I can't even love that strongly ever again. I dream about him constantly. To backtrack, I need to tell the story of our breakup... Three things led to it. 1. He didn't come and see me in hospital when I had a hellish near death experience and was lying there terrified out of my mind. 2. He would make little comments to me ie. while he told me I was beautiful then and still does, he constantly tell me I needed a boob job, tell me I was too pale and to go to the solarium, tell me in front of people that his brothers girlfriend was much prettier than me And finally, 3. When I started developing an anxiety disorder due to the near death experience he was completely unsupportive. All he cared about was having a good time. He broke up with me telling me we could date again when I "got better". It's been years since our breakup, but randomly throughout the years (and even this month) he's reached out to me saying he loves me and he always wishes he hadn't ruined things between us and we were still together, and he has tried to get back together a few times. Even though he has a new girlfriend recently, he still says this to me. Something inside me tells me that I shouldn't be someone who treated me how he has, but I still love him so ****ing much. I've tried dating other people but I feel dead inside. I think about how all I ever wanted was to marry him and have his children all the time, and seeing our friends with that makes me so full of regret and depression. When he's married to his new girlfriend with kids I'm going to be shattered. Please tell me, am I better off not being with him?? It's so painful. I'm going through something very different but similar as well. I found condoms in his pocket and wallet. None of them were used for me. We have a child together, and he decided that after I found him out and didn't want him to go out with his friends anymore, he was "unhappy" with me and found TONS of faults in me. He's since moved out. We went out last night to "talk" about what was going to happen with "us" We ended up seeing a movie and *I* treated to dinner after. At dinner, he told me what a great time he was having with me, and he asked me to smile so he could take a picture of me on his phone. He looked teary-eyed and said I looked "really nice." I know he was with-holding from saying Beautiful. It was so bitter sweet. I paid because He said he didn't have any money, even though he got his paycheck 3 days ago and only gave me $40. I'm wondering, where does ALL that money go in 3 days? He recently set up his OWN checking account and removed himself from mine. I'm waiting for his bank statement to come next month so I can see what he's been spending on. It eats away at my entire SOUL. I spent almost 7 years with this man. Then in 3 months he decides he is unhappy with me. We have a child!! I wanted to get married and have another, and grow old together...but he threw it all away. My hopes, my dreams, and every day I look at my daughter, I'm reminded of him. He's very involved with our daughter, and calls everyday to speak to her, takes her out on his days off. This makes it harder for me because I cannot implement NC on him. We have a child after all, we have to see eachother. And every time I see him it KILLS ME. I KNOW he's had sex since we've broken up. I just know by how I feel, and I lay here crying at night after I put my daughter to bed knowing my dreams are gone, and he's probably out getting drunk and womanizing. I feel your pain, and I understand. You're not alone in this. Loving someone who isn't worthy of it, and doesn't love you back. I'm sorry sorry sorry.
Arient Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. And I understand, as I went through the same thing. They said that one big part holding you back from recovery and from moving on is the illusional dream of an unreal future that we would have if we are still together with our ex. I know how much it hurts. For me, to gradually kill that "unreal dream", I tried to look at the problems leading to the break up. And as time goes by, I came to realize that even if I managed to keep us going, the "dream" would never come true though. Gradually, the "happy" dream turns into a more realistic one, and I would see more pain and suffering in it. In your case, I honestly think your ex is not worth your love at all. I know it's so easy saying so, and your heart won't automatically accept that. But I think you should try looking at your ex's flaws instead of still putting him on the pedestal. Through what you wrote, he lacks the respect for both you and his current gf. What kind of guy who would try to get back to his ex and tell her he loves her when he's already with someone else? I would have very little respect for a guy who acts like that. If he loves you and really regrets about what happened, then he would leave his current gf and make some real effort with you. Just focus on you and your life, cast him aside. Learn to love yourself more and you will see that, even without the so called "the one", we can still have an awesome life. Your ex might be so damn good looking, funny, popular or whatever, but does it mean anything if he doesn't care about you, doesn't need you or doesn't think you're good enough for him? Hell no, save your time. Your happiness should not be based on someone's fickle heart. 1
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Please tell me, am I better off not being with him?? It's so painful. It seems that it's important to you to be with someone who also knows how to give comfort, reassurance, support, encouragement, compassion and generally "have your back" through life's inevitable challenges, obstacles...and he does not sound like someone like that. At the same time, he could have grown up and developed into a fuller, more caring human being since your break-up...BUT...what you listed as reason #2 would still be a big red flag for me -- that is just a mean, cruel mind at work, in my books. And I'm not sure people outgrow that too easily, if at all. If you're willing to try with him again AND willing to not only risk being, but also to actually be, disappointed, hurt...well, maybe then do consider it. It could turn out that the stuff that needed changing has changed...but only you can decide if it's worth the risk to find out that it hasn't. Hugs and best. 1
todreaminblue Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 a guy who deserts you always will desert you once a rat leaves a sinking ship if it boards again it knows what to do when the ship is about to sink it jumps....dont date rats date men ...men dont leave when things get rough.....they endure just as we woudl for them time and time again ...they are the pillar of strength, the supporting beams, the life vest that wraps you in arms that are warm and consoling..and you both when it really gets rough can pray together to make it through together not lets break up and ill date ya maybe, when i feel you are better...stuff that for a joke....... as you are the same for them through rough and smooth you support each other you deserve whatever you give them...dump the rat so you can find your man...its not a dream to go back to him it is a night mare waiting to be born dont buy into the hyped up dream ...feel relief your night mares wont be about him..deb
Peacock_Tail Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 He can be that good looking, sweet, fun, sexy, and all of the things you listed, but the thing is that there are plenty of other guys like that and specially lots of them who are not a complete ********* by saying mean things to you, not giving a **** when you almost die and stringing you along when they already have a girlfriend. 2
central Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 It sounds like you have an unhealthy obsession with what could have been. The more you think about it, the more dysfunctional you'll become. You're also judging other men versus a fantasy that never existed in reality - who can compare to that? At this point, you may be past the point of self-help to overcome your obsession. I think you may need counselling to gain perspective and develop coping skills to ease you out of this rut in your thinking. The longer you stay in this rut, the deeper it becomes, and the harder to exit.
scobro Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 its amazing how the mind works.It always wants to think the worst for example your partner is late coming home the mind thinks negative thoughts like car accident,other woman,mugging,etc etc.Now that you are broken up the mind thinks you guys would have had this fairytale life.All it is is F.E.A.R (False Evidence Appearing Real. How do you know life would have been so great its only a fantasy thought and a possible outcome.Sounds to me like he bails when the going gets tough.So this fairy tale life would come crashing down at the first sign of trouble because he can't deal with things like an adult.It also sounds to me like if he is complementing another woman and comparing her to you this fairy tale life might end in infedelity then how happy is it with all the "family" knowing he cheated on you. You are putting him on a pedestal and only hurting because you remember the great times.Try remember hospital and him not being there and all the other times he made you feel bad because thats the true character.Its easy to be nice and sing happy birthday its a lot harder to deal with tough times and this guy obviously cannot.He has bad character traits and from what you described seems like a real self absorbed dick head. Put him behind you its been long enough.Don't focus on finding someone and being all needy.The grass is always greener in these situations and your perception of what he is doing now is only your perception and not the actual truth. You just are experiencing attachment to him and its hard to let go but if you don't move on this will plauge you for many years to come and screw up relationships in the future.
No Limit Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 This kind of thinking will ruin your mood pretty quick. Focus on something else instead as soon as you feel it coming up again.
spaceboy409 Posted August 8, 2014 Posted August 8, 2014 I have this exact same obsession and somewhat situation. In my situation though she wants to be good friends and me to be friends with her boyfriend too. Any who I know how terrible this is....I wake up everyday and she's the first thought on my mind and usually the last before I goto sleep. I'm not sure how to cope but it's nice to know there are others out there. I'm seeing a therapist and I would recommend the same. Having someone to help give you a new outlook is what you need. Change your outlook. Change your life.
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