I'm sad and I really shouldn't be.

[chris24]

Haven't been on LS in over 2.5 years when I was going through a rough breakup. I decided to come back because when I was on here before, everyone was very helpful. I'm back for a different reason, but could really use some insight.

 

First and foremost I know I have things a lot better than A LOT of people - some may say, why even complain? Well just because you have a great paying job and a college degree, it doesn't mean you're going to be happy.

 

That's me. I'm happy and I'm not. It's confusing. I'm almost 23, graduated from a 4-year school this year, make over $60k out of college, live downtown in a major city, and on. I don't know, to me this is all just material fluff. It gives me a false sense of happiness, because a lot of the time I'm just kind of sad. Not like depressed, crying, or holing myself in... just kind bummed.

 

The girlfriend that I mentioned posting about was my last "girlfriend". I slept with a handful of girls in college (drunk hookups), turned down dating a girl to be just friends, and another ended up playing me for a fool. Other than that I feel like a ghost to so many people. I'm never the life of the party, I'm a little overweight, my teeth aren't the best, but damn I seriously feel like no one notices me. I know I have self-esteem issues... and I've somehow never managed to get over it.

 

I don't know. I feel like I get walked over by every girl I meet because I'm just that "sweet, caring, loving guy" who gets treated like a doormat. I don't know. Maybe that's why I have self-esteem issues because I choose the type of people who take advantage of others.

 

I just... Want to be TRULY happy. I was happy for awhile after finally moving on from my ex - worked out, ran a half-marathon, and then somehow it just all managed to go away. The worst part is that I just moved to a new, big city, and know almost no one here. I feel really lonely and I feel really confused. I just want a girl to feel the same way that I do about them and show that I can give unconditional love. Something I would give to pretty much anyone at this point who would continue talking to me for longer than a week.

 

I understand that's nothing to really respond to. I'm just kind of lost in my own life right now. Again. Great job, great income, great apartment. No self-esteem, a few extra pounds, bad dental hygeine. To me, the latter far outweighs all the great things I have accomplished in my life. Nothing is more painful than feeling like you don't matter to anyone. That you're not good enough for anyone.

 

What's wrong with me? I know I have demons. I just don't know how to deal with them.

[Ronni_W]

chris,

you're right of course...having material security cannot replace feeling fulfilled, hopeful.

 

You're focusing on a lack of the kind of social responses, interactions you'd like...but have you considered looking for 'what's missing' in the areas of cultivating hobbies or even volunteering with an organization whose work really speaks to your heart?

 

Have you asked yourself why you're not motivated to do anything about losing weight and visiting a dentist? From that, it can come across that you don't matter much to yourself.

The thing is, when one is walking around with a certain 'vibe' of feeling unfulfilled, uninterested, uninteresting, despairing...people do (even unconsciously) pick up on that.

 

Get yourself in the best shape and health you want to be...that may then inspire you to just grab life by the tail and give it a good shake...at least you won't have any more excuses not to, right?

[chris24]

Thanks for your reply Ronni.

 

I completely agree about being focused on the social interactions that I'm not receiving versus those I am. Maybe it's a lack of focus on my own life and focusing too much on the social interactions of others that I wish I could experience. To be completely honest though, I'm almost never down,mopey, sad, uninterested around others. Especially with women I try to never be any of those things and I've never been told I act this way. Before moving I had a lot of friendships, many with girls. I believe my lack of self-worth subconsciously holds me back from me being me.

 

As far as weight loss and dentist. Weight loss - after my BU I went from 184 to 154 in a matter of a couple months and ended up running a half marathon. After I completed the race I felt like I did it all for the wrong reasons. Like trying to prove to my ex I was better off without her. And I am. However, after losing 30lbs I still had trouble being happy and I think that's what really hurt. Nothing seemed to changed for me... I felt the same and got treated the same. Hooked up more, but gladly would have looked for a relationship. Since then I've gained a lot of weight back, but started running again about a month ago in hopes to re-motivate myself.

 

Dentist. I have had a lot of cavities because I liked pop so much as a kid and my parents weren't the type to hound you about brushing your teeth. I wish they did. But anyways, I never had braces and have small gap between front two teeth - not huge,never made fun of, just kinda there. I've always said I'm going to get veneers because I just hate my teeth ($$$). I don't smile with my teeth and haven't for as long as I can remember...

 

It's especially tough when women place body type and teeth high on their 'priority' list. That makes me feel automatically disqualified.

[Ronni_W]

I've always said I'm going to get veneers because I just hate my teeth ($$$). I don't smile with my teeth and haven't for as long as I can remember...

chris,

I'm gonna sound like your mother for a minute: You said you have a "great income"...but you're bitching about spending $$$ on something that you've been wanting AND that no doubt will help you feel better about yourself...so, what are you spending your great income on...and what is there better than to use it to feel better and be able to SMILE BIG and enjoy life more???

 

It's especially tough when women place body type and teeth high on their 'priority' list. That makes me feel automatically disqualified.

You are automatically disqualifying yourself, though, aren't you?

 

You're so far ahead of many others because you KNOW at least a couple of things that will help you...yet you're stalling or finding excuses to not just do it.

 

After a month of running, you ought already be feeling re-motivated. Why not try something else, swimming or cycling, or do a more varied 'gym routine' than just running. (I have this book, 'Triathlon Training in Four Hours a Week: from beginner to finish line in just six weeks' by Eric Harr -- why not? At least the training should be funner than just running...I don't know...I said I have the book...I never said I've read it )

 

Best of luck.

[chris24]

Just graduated, so I'm paying rent, car, insurances, phone, internet, 401k, student loans, and a bunch of other stuff. My account is growing but slowly. They dental work will come,no doubt, just not now. It's tough to put money towards anything else besides just living right now. Hopefully in a few years, after I complete my masters work.

 

I get your point though. If I did have the money saved, I would do it in a HEARTBEAT.

 

I enjoy running and it does motivate me, but I quickly get discouraged because I run slower and shorter than I expect of myself. I'm pretty small , so I'm almost always uncomfortable lifting weights around others. If you couldn't tell by now, I'm very hard on myself.

 

More or less, I need a change of perspective on life because right now I'm looking at it all wrong. Expecting all my problems to just go away...

 

Thanks Ronni

[travelbug1996]

You have to be happy with self before you can genuinely be happy in a relationship.

[Mr Scorpio]

"Should" and "shouldn't be" are relative terms when it comes to sadness. Yes, you have material wealth far beyond most people you age and the vast majority of the Earth's populous.

 

 

So what? You have just that: material comfort. Your apartment doesn't love you. Your 401k won't snuggle with you on the couch.

 

 

At the same time, basing your happiness on a relationship is fool's gold. A relationship with the right person should make you happy for the first few months. It might make you happy for the first year.

 

 

But beyond that? After all the conversations have been had? After all of the jokes and the stories have been told? Then it just becomes two people staring at each other in silence.

 

 

That can be wonderful. But in silence you're back to yourself. You're back to your thoughts and critiques and demons. You might expect your partner to lift you up. Maybe they will. But it isn't fair -- to you or them -- to expect them to be the source of your happiness.

 

 

You might consider comparing yourself to those who have less, rather than comparing yourself to those who have more. This isn't to invalidate your pain, but rather to cultivate a glass half-full approach.

 

 

As you surely know, there are starving masses who would kill -- literally -- to be in the position you are in. You're 23 and successful and having sex with a handful of women? There are posters on here ten-years older without the sex or the success.

 

 

Beyond that, you may find that you need to work to actively cultivate your happiness. Those smiling monks didn't just wake up happy. They worked to be happy. Scans of their brains demonstrate physical changes brought about by their efforts.

 

 

Maybe some meditation? A self-help book or five? Therapy?

[54JA]

I think you have a lot more self-awareness and open-mindedness than many 23 year olds. You are so young, yet are able to recognize your self-esteem issues, willing to work on them, and willing to change your perspective. When I was your age, I was not really willing to admit my own issues nor willing to change my perspective. Back then, my perspective was the one and only perspective. So, you may just be ahead of your peers. Sometimes (and not always), the deeper the insights into yourself, the more sadness you feel, the more inner conflicts you see. At age 23, you are already recognizing that material possessions can't bring true happiness. You are such a grown up:).

 

Have you read books on cognitive behavioral therapy? I know you don't have depression, but from what I understand, cognitive behavioral therapy deals with modifying your thought system, thus your moods and feelings. I found the materials to be very helpful. Good luck.

[bluej244]

You said you got "No self-esteem, a few extra pounds, bad dental hygeine". Well, you can change that in an instant. You can go to the gym. You can have your teeth checked and maintain a good dental hygiene. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself out like that. And stop focusing on what you don't have. You've got plenty of good things than other people. About self-esteem, it's probably just you who thinks like that. Maybe people around you doesn't think the same about you. Learn to love yourself and you'll be uplifted.