therealfrench Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I have been dating a man very consistently for 2 months 1/2. We got back this week from our first getaway weekend together, which was in every way perfect. He was acting as usual, very affectionate, complimenting me all the time, and he even referred to me as his girlfriend. He introduced me to his friends (we were staying at his friend's place). We both are really into each other. Yet, it seems he can't become exclusive, and I am wondering why. At some point I confronted him and told him I didn't want to see him again because he couldn't be exclusive, which brought him to tears. He explained that he wasn't getting any younger, and that he really wanted to get married and have kids, and that he was committed before to women who ended up leaving him brokenhearted after 2-3 years and that these experiences made him become very scared of commitment. So I stayed, telling myself I would survive the non-exclusivity thing for a bit longer, but it's really bugging me. We seem to have all the ingredients for a perfect relationship. Exclusivity is the only thing that gets in the way. He has finally left the dating website we met on for good, which is a first step, but I know he has kept contact with one or several girls from there, because the screen of his phone is always facing the table. I have also seen him hide to text a few days ago. I mainly opened this thread to learn if some men react the same way to commitment after experiencing disappointing outcomes in past relationships. I don't know if this heartbreak thing is an excuse or a real explanation to his fear of commitment.
Eivuwan Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 He doesn't sound like he's ready for a new relationship if he still has so much trust issues. I mean, he's already calling you girlfriend, but he won't be exclusive? 2.5 months seems like it's enough time to figure out if you want to be exclusive. Do you have a deadline in your mind of how much longer you want to wait for him? 1
Author therealfrench Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 He doesn't sound like he's ready for a new relationship if he still has so much trust issues. I mean, he's already calling you girlfriend, but he won't be exclusive? 2.5 months seems like it's enough time to figure out if you want to be exclusive. Do you have a deadline in your mind of how much longer you want to wait for him? We are going to be apart for a month in a few days. I have to visit my family and he has to visit his, which doesn't help a budding relationship, but I told myself I would wait until we both get back, and leave if the secrecy is still present.
Jules Dash Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I was pretty much the poster boy for commitment phobia. I am getting over it now gradually and your man will have to do so as well. I never like to be treated in a certain way in a relationship as a result of a bad experience from my girlfriends past. We have to move on from the past and we deserved to be treated and judged on our own merit. Your boyfriend needs to get over it. 2
Assasda Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Ask your self this question OP - "Am I his mother or am I his girlfriend?"
Ruby Slippers Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I'd never stay with a guy who wasn't ready to be exclusive after 2 1/2 months. Until he's ready for that, he's like a taxi driving around with his light off. He might pick you up and take you for a ride, but you'll just be riding around in circles, never getting anywhere. He's still texting with other women from the site and hiding texts, which means he's still keeping his options open. How special does it make you feel to be one of his options? 6
travelbug1996 Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Yea what Ruby said. I just got rid of one of these guys. You should have asked if he wanted a serious relationship before you got intimate with him. These guys will blow hot and cold forever if you let them. The situation is gonna get really confusing because he will act like a boyfriend and a perfect one at that but verbally he will never agree to be your man. You deserve so much more than that. Please move on. You are wasting your time. 3
writergal Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 So he hides his cellphone b/c he's texting other women he met on the dating site AND he's told you he won't commit b/c he's been hurt in the past? By his actions alone, he's already shown you that you're not a priority to him but just an option, as Ruby pointed out too. There's no way I'd put up with a guy hiding his phone from me. Its also a HUGE red flag that he won't commit to you after nearly dating for 3 months. So, I don't buy his line about not being able to commit to you. He probably doesn't want to, but he's too insecure to tell you the truth, so he's stringing you along hoping you won't notice. It's not that difficult to commit to someone by 3 months of dating if you really like them. That's enough time to know if you consider someone an option or a priority. 3
Fondue Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I used to see a woman for a few months, went away on weekends with her, spent time with her and her friends, did bf/gf things for several months without being exclusive or having a title. At first, it was her choice to make it non-exclusive as she felt she wasn't ready for a relationship. But I think she still hoped I would not be seeing/speaking to other women. Eventually she wanted that exclusivity, but I kept avoiding it. WHy? Because I was exactly what you described in your OP. I also did the same exact thing, kept my phone down so no one can see it. She knew I had different text tones for different groups of people in my phone (friends vs family vs randoms vs specific people), and she knew what text tones were meant for what groups of people. I think she knew I had been speaking to multiple girls while seeing her. I didn't see her in the same way she wanted me to see her. Eventually, I found another girl and moved onto her. And that's when I became exclusive, dropped every other girl, and formed a real relationship. Now I don't care where my phone is, in who's hands it is, and who's reading it. Doesn't bother me. Got nothing to hide. While I still don't want anyone to "snoop" on me (and it would really bother me if they did), but I know I got nothing to hide so it's fine. Basically, what I'm saying is: He's not that into you. He's still keeping his options open because he hasn't found someone that he's willing to drop everyone else for. Once he does, he will change completely. He'll become trusting again, and he'll drop every other woman. It just happens that way. Hell, it happened to me. 3
Author therealfrench Posted August 7, 2014 Author Posted August 7, 2014 I used to see a woman for a few months, went away on weekends with her, spent time with her and her friends, did bf/gf things for several months without being exclusive or having a title. At first, it was her choice to make it non-exclusive as she felt she wasn't ready for a relationship. But I think she still hoped I would not be seeing/speaking to other women. Eventually she wanted that exclusivity, but I kept avoiding it. WHy? Because I was exactly what you described in your OP. I also did the same exact thing, kept my phone down so no one can see it. She knew I had different text tones for different groups of people in my phone (friends vs family vs randoms vs specific people), and she knew what text tones were meant for what groups of people. I think she knew I had been speaking to multiple girls while seeing her. I didn't see her in the same way she wanted me to see her. Eventually, I found another girl and moved onto her. And that's when I became exclusive, dropped every other girl, and formed a real relationship. Now I don't care where my phone is, in who's hands it is, and who's reading it. Doesn't bother me. Got nothing to hide. While I still don't want anyone to "snoop" on me (and it would really bother me if they did), but I know I got nothing to hide so it's fine. Basically, what I'm saying is: He's not that into you. He's still keeping his options open because he hasn't found someone that he's willing to drop everyone else for. Once he does, he will change completely. He'll become trusting again, and he'll drop every other woman. It just happens that way. Hell, it happened to me. I am curious to know how you saw her exactly. You liked her enough to be spending that much time with her. Did you know from the beginning you wouldn't see her exclusively, or did you think that maybe at some point you would drop the other girls for her?
ktya Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 (edited) I'm in kind of the same boat as your boyfriend. 17 years of back to back monogamy ranging from 9 years to six months. I'm not jaded, but I have little to show for it other than a lot of money down the drain and a lot of missed opportunities to have sex with hot girls as I was faithful. I step fathered a kid for 4 years who used to call me dad that I don't get to even see any more at all. I'm still friends with zero of them despite doing my best to not be a crazy ex boyfriend in order to retain the friendship. 17 years ago most of my friends were women; today I only have 1 of those left (although I've retained some great friendships with women I have dated since my last relationship), each successive girlfriend scared a few more away with her exclusivity and jealousy. (I slept with none of them) So I, like your boyfriend, made a conscious choice to multi date and not be exclusive. Its a two way street however as I can't expect them to play by a different set of rules. If I were in your boots I would figure that your going to get him to be exclusive eventually given how much time your spending together. You are top dog in his rotation, he's just keeping in touch with these other girls. You will need a catalyst to get him to make the shift. A good place to start might be when one of these girls calls or texts. Have a conversation with him about whether he thinks you should be dating other guys so you don't keep getting hung up on this exclusivity thing. If he says you should, go and do it. I'm guessing he probably won't want you to and that can lead into a conversation about double standards and commitment. I wouldn't approach it in a hostile tone, you have to keep very level headed even if he freaks a little and squirms or gets accusatory. Keep it very matter of fact like routine housekeeping and just suggest that you have brought up exclusivity several times and your looking for his advice so you two are on the same page. As I'm doing the same sort of thing, I know that the GFE (girlfriend experience) definitely has its allure over multi dating. He's getting that from you now and he has to find out that by taking the position he is he will always be at risk of losing it. It's a risk I've been willing to take and I've lost a few good catches. Edited August 7, 2014 by ktya
d0nnivain Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 One of the best pieces of advice I ever read on here I will share with you: When somebody tells you something yo don't want to hear about the relationship, believe them. If he can't or doesn't want to be exclusive, take him at his word. Badgering him won't work. 3
SummerDreams Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I don't know how I do it, but the way I've learnt to act towards men indicates that what I demand from them in order to proceed into a relationship is exclusivity and commitment. In fact I can't imagine it any other way. I can't have sex with someone I don't think he sees me seriously and/or is texting other women and keeping his options open. Create some borders so he is obliged to respect them. The more you let your limits loose, the more he'll think you can take anything. 2
preraph Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 It's too soon to expect any type of commitment, nor should you want one since it takes longer than that to get to really know someone. But I agree the way he's obviously keeping options open and working them isn't a good sign. But making him agree to exclusivity probably will get you nowhere because he'll just say he will and then cheat. You either see other men and ride this thing or walk away. I say see other men.
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