Universe Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 That's it folks. I've officially cracked. I've been waiting until I was sure of this to post. But it's offically over for me now. I want to thank all of you so much for all your wonderful advice and concern. Whether you encouraged me to continue in my pursuit of a second chance or you tried to convince me to give up, you all helped so much and I am forever grateful. I did it by the book. After 5 years together, I spent 5 months working to get her back. I forgave her for her disrespect. I swallowed my pride. I showed her my strength. I showed her my confidence. I showed her my love. I did not pressure her. I basically handled this whole thing in a more mature fashion than anyone else I know of. I have at all times respected myself, my ex, and our past. I rebuilt rapport. I became her confidant. I was supportive, loving, and understanding. I expressed my desires when the time was appropriate. I never forced my needs on to her. I was never petty or impulsive. I've pulled back and she let me. She still calls. She left the question as to whether or not we would get back together up in the air. I've told her I will wait for her, but that I'm moving on with my life. But she's made me wait too long. I could have forgiven her for everything and taken her back with no resentment a month ago. At that point she had seen who I've become and she could see my love for her. And since then she continued to wake up every morning and consciously decide to reject me each and every day. I put myself out there. I showed her my best. I showed her my love. I offered it to her to take or leave. I let the offer stand with no strings attached. She expressed her need for me and my support. She called on Valentine's Day and hung out with me instead of her new boyfriend. She's called a couple times since. But I had to let it go. She can give me all the signs in the world that we might get back together. The fact of the matter is that she's made a conscious decision not to for all this time...and the time has added up. The resentment has creeped in and built a permanent residence. I kept it out for as long as I could. But now it's too late. And I can't get back together with her if I resent her like this. I don't resent her for what happened with this other guy. I resent her for the fact that I went through what I went through for her, came out of it looking like gold on the other side, and she still can't look at me and decide that she wants me. I was strong. I let go. I was empowered. But the road to forgetting someone is a long one. I've been through it before with someone I didn't love half as much. It took me over two years that time. I can only hope it won't take so long this time around. It already hurts like nothing ever has. I suppose I'll be making the dreaded jump from "second chances" to "coping". I've given up hope and I am trying to kill my love before it kills me. I want to say thank you again. I really felt like some of you were really pulling for me; hoping that I would win her back. I never really believed I would fail. The love between my ex and I was so intense and so strong for so long. I never thought it could really be over. But it really is. Anyways - I just felt obliged, after all the advice and encouragement I've given on getting an ex back, to let you all know that I am officially discredited. I've advised people to do what I have done and now it is proven that it does not work. So I apologize. Universe has cracked.
demonfall Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 I'm sorry to hear that man. I was pulling for you, hoping things would work out. I feel your pain, cause I'm there right now too. I'm in NC right now, and am doing OK most of the time. I'm slowly accepting the fact that I may never even see or talk to her again, or at least not initiated by me. Unless something were to happen to my 90 year grandfather, then I know she would be the first person I would go to for comfort. Good luck, I know it's going to be hard. Giving up on someone you love that much is the toughest thing I've ever been through. No need to apologize. No 2 situations are the same. We all handle things differently. You have been a big help to many of us on here. Thank you for that! Once again, sorry to hear about this. Life goes on. The pain will pass in time. I know you'll always have that love for her in you for a long time. I feel the same way, and will probably miss my ex for years to come. I thought we really had something special, and I'm sure you did too. Wow, I'm starting to get all choked up all over again here, so I need to end this. Stay strong, and go out and try to have some fun!
Pocky Posted February 25, 2005 Posted February 25, 2005 Originally posted by Universe Anyways - I just felt obliged, after all the advice and encouragement I've given on getting an ex back, to let you all know that I am officially discredited. I've advised people to do what I have done and now it is proven that it does not work. So I apologize. Universe has cracked. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Anyone that approaches a relationship with the expectation that it's systematic and habitual is making a big mistake. People will respond differently in different situations and the best advice to give is for someone to follow their heart and do what they think is right. Your ex didn't come back to you because your advice failed, your ex didn't come back because she didn't love you. That's the key variable when giving advice regarding relationships. No matter how you handle it if there isn't love it will fail. Your one experience does not prove it doesn't work. Your experience proves that you can't make someone love you.
strange love Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 it ****ing sucks doesnt it I know my good friend who owns a shop like me. He told me his current wife and him broke up, back when they dated. He said are you sure? she said yes so that was it and she started calling him about a few weeks later and he wouldnt even speak to her for ages..maybe a few months.. well now they are married. I myself have had quite enough. One of the reasons that I even try to get my ex back is due to the fact that she absconded with some of my stuff and today I decided ill do what I have to do to find her and legally take her to court and thats it. I mean sure I still love her but **** it.... In any case just bugger off for a bit see what happens. Most of the guys that buggered off they did cause they had no choice. Maybe even try telling her to **** off, sometimes that works.. I dunno im sorry really I am. I know what its like to go somewhere and u see something and it makes you think of her or spending time alone when you wish you could with her.. it really ****ing sucks and im sorry you feel the way you do. strangelove
alphamale Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by Universe I've advised people to do what I have done and now it is proven that it does not work. So I apologize. I am sorry for your loss but remember you are partly to blame for it. I wish I could sit you down for a few hours and teach you how women work. Being nice/generous/supportive/available/loving/giving/etc... generally doesn't work with them. I know it sounds stupid and against logic but then again women are not logical.
strange love Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Alphamale None of us really know whats right or wrong with women.. Being a complete bastard doesnt really work and niether does being nice Ive been both If you really wish to have no problems you either a) get with someone whos a complete submissive b) be with someone you dont really love at all and thats it sorry no magic psychological tricks cause women eventually pick up on them. I mean it Ive been the dick that your girlfriend cheats on you with. Ive been the a**h*** boyfriend. Ive been the father figure. Ive been the best friend. Ive been the unpaid gigalo. The fantasy figure. The really the only answer is to not bother at all.. take copious amounts of whatever numbs you from feeling or having any feelings. Or get something else besides a girlfriend like a pet. Or volunteer as a big brother... and thats it sorry no other answer Theres way too many ****ed insecure needy women out there.. especially in the states and canada. Maybe thats the answer going to europe.. you hardly see any european posts on here except for england and well what can I say as we are the "colonies" s ..l.......
Three of Swords Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Alpha - you talk about woman on this forum like we are some totally different creature from you men. Like you can never figure out how we quite think and work. Are we sooo different from men really? We all think and feel and love and suffer - just like REAL men do!!! BTW - Trust me - being a bastard does NOT work! And believe me there are just as many fu(ked up MEN as there are women!! There are just as many insecure and needy men as there are needy and insecure woman. And yeah - I support your theory - the universe has indeed cracked!! B.
tokyo Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 I don´t know the whole story, but your post make me think that your approach was a wrong one from the start. You tried to be supernice and superperfect to get her back, but I´m sure she as I is aware that this is very likely just a phase. In the long run, you will fall back to your old behavior and if you take a closer look at your reaction at your failure to get her back - your disappointment that all your effort didn´t work out, your resentment for her, because she didn´t appreciate your effort - then I´d say you probably didn´t change a lot, but tried to manipulate her into going back to you. Some people have the belief that when they do something, they are expected/deserve a certain reaction back, but that´s not how it works. If you expect someone to love you back, because you´ve put so much effort in winning this love, then you have approached the whole thing with the wrong attitude. I´ve also felt disappointment for investing so much emotions and not getting it back, but I think you should never resent anyone for not feeling the same for you, just because you put in so much effort. That´s what I call manipulation.
sandra parker Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Hello, I am sorry for your pain. I think sometimes people confuse strength with cowardness. I believe it takes a certain amount of balls to get what you want out of life. I think it takes courage to fight for what you want/believe in. At the end of the day, you may feel really bad about your loss, but you can honestly say that you did the best you could to try to make it work out. Some people don't have the courage to be themselves and put their feelings on the line for love. I think manipulation is a whole different concept than what you did. Showing someone you love them and you care is not manipulative. It's human. You may have lost out on the techinal sense of things here, but you are a winner in my book because you dared to take a risk and gave it your all. Women and men are very different species. Dah!!! The thing is though that when it comes down to it, we need each other. Men can be pricks and women can be bitches. I think putting a lot of importance on gender and putting down one or the other makes this all the mess that it is today. I have recently felt the pain of rejection, betrayl and loss. I have a few choice thoughts about my ex too, But is not because he is a man, it is because he was flawed in our relationship as a Human Being! I have female friends that I have differences with. We are all unique and sometimes all we can do is give it our all and if it doesn'e work, cut our losses and go one, Take Care.
tokyo Posted February 26, 2005 Posted February 26, 2005 Originally posted by Universe I resent her for the fact that I went through what I went through for her, came out of it looking like gold on the other side, and she still can't look at me and decide that she wants me. For me, that phrase indicate that here someone thinks that he deserves to be loved, because he was nice, meaning "I did this and therefore I deserve this and that reaction". You can go into a shop, give your money and expect to get a certain product. In relationships this doesn´t work. If you are only nice in order to get love back then I call it manipulation, because love should be given freely without any expectations. Sure, to a certain extent we all do things to be loved, but there are so many people here who are angry, because they didn´t get what they wanted even though they were so nice, but that´s just not how it works. I for my part can´t find anything worse in the dating process than a guy who resents me for not sharing the same attraction for him as he does for me. I´m not saying be nice and caring all the time even if she treats you like sh*t, but I also think if you really care for someone it doesn´t stop the moment you can´t get what you want. Sometimes the real turn off is the fit a guy throws when he can´t get what he supposedly deserves.
Author Universe Posted February 26, 2005 Author Posted February 26, 2005 Pocky Said...your ex didn't come back because she didn't love you. Thank you for saying this. My ex loved me better than I loved her when we were together. And since the break up she's maintained that she loves me and that I'm the most important person in her life. But if she really loved me, she'd be here loving me. It doesn't matter what she says. It's what she does. But it never hit me that she really didn't love me. But I believe now that she does not. Thank you for putting that to me. Though it is hard to take, I really needed to get that through my head so I can really let go. alphamale said...I am sorry for your loss but remember you are partly to blame for it.I don't blame anyone but myself for the way things have turned out. Alphamale also said...Being nice/generous/supportive/available/loving/giving/etc... generally doesn't work with them.This is the conventional "wisdom" but it is flawed. What woman (and most intelligent men) want is someone who is secure with themselves...someone who is comfortable in their own skin. A man who is arrogant and cocky is obviously secure with himself and comfortable in his own skin. Therefore, woman are attracted to him despite that fact that he could be a total a**. Then everyone says, "oh - woman just like a**hole men." Not true. They are attracted to his confidence and security. There are many theories as to why it's not appropriate to be nice/generous/supportive/available/loving/giving when you're first trying to attract someone because of certain false impressions they can give off. But when you've spent almost 6 years with someone who gave herself to you completely and you in turn gave yourself to them completely, you're in a much different place than when you're trying to light that initial spark. Yes, I was supportive, available, loving and all that, but I was always in a secure and comfortable head space and exuded a lot of confidence. I do believe I maximized my chances to get back together with her. I should not have apologized for giving the advice I have given. I still believe in it even if it didn’t work. I think I gave the relationship every chance it had. But as Pocky said, she just doesn’t love me anymore and there’s nothing more I can do to change that. kooky said...your disappointment that all your effort didn´t work out, your resentment for her, because she didn´t appreciate your effort - then I´d say you probably didn´t change a lot, but tried to manipulate her into going back to you.In relationships there is give and take. When you’ve clearly been giving more than the other person, there is going to be resentment. As we were breaking up, I felt that she had given more than I had given. So it didn’t hurt so much to continue to give even after she started sleeping with someone else. I didn’t feel like I was giving more than she already had. But, after this went on for a while, I felt as though I had. Then I felt like I was giving more. I was fine with that for while. But that can only last so long. And, justified or not, I felt resentment. I feel less resentment now. I didn’t decide to let go because of my resentment. I started letting go and then upon looking back on the past 6 months, I started to resent her for what I had gone through. But I did choose it. I didn’t have to keep trying to get her back. That was my choice and I can’t blame her for that. sandraparker said...Showing someone you love them and you care is not manipulative.I believe this. And I was never trying to manipulate her. I wanted to show her my love so she could see what she was giving up. I was not giving only to get. Yes, I wanted to get. Yes, I am disappointed that I didn't get. But I did what I set out to do and I have no regrets in that sense. I set out to give the relationship every chance it had. Thank you. I don't really feel resentment now. And that makes letting go much easier...so far. I chose my own path and have no right to be angry with her for how it turned out. Her love is her own and I can't change it. I didn't know what to expect when I started this thread. But I like where it went. It's been helpful.
strange love Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Just cause she is not with you doesnt mean she doesnt love you I dont even remember if you mentioned why she broke up with you. You said you are seeing her again.. has there been any sex? Can you have a look at my thread if you dont mind any words of encouragement are helpful.. ;-)
tokyo Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 Originally posted by Universe As we were breaking up, I felt that she had given more than I had given. So it didn’t hurt so much to continue to give even after she started sleeping with someone else. I didn’t feel like I was giving more than she already had. But, after this went on for a while, I felt as though I had. Then I felt like I was giving more. I was fine with that for while. But that can only last so long. And, justified or not, I felt resentment. I feel less resentment now. I didn’t decide to let go because of my resentment. I started letting go and then upon looking back on the past 6 months, I started to resent her for what I had gone through. But I did choose it. I didn’t have to keep trying to get her back. That was my choice and I can’t blame her for that. I think you do have honest feelings for her and that you gave your best, but in your case the best might not be enough and you have to continue trying. I think the reasons that led to her breaking up with you must have been grave if she really loved you that much. There must have been a lot of pain and grief on her part to take such a serious step and it´s always harder to repair the damage than to cause it. It must be even a ot harder for you since she has a new boyfriend. I think six months is a lot and it´s also not about humiliating yourself, so I guess it´s time to back off a bit, without resentment. People who really care for each other forgive. If you expect her to forgive you, you will also have to be ready to forgive her that she adoesnt ppreciate you the right way now. Good luck
Author Universe Posted February 27, 2005 Author Posted February 27, 2005 kooky said...There must have been a lot of pain and grief on her part to take such a serious step and it´s always harder to repair the damage than to cause it.We were both terribly depressed for the entire year leading up to the breakup. I believe that she genuinely tried to work things out and communicate with me. But we just couldn't get out of the rut we were it and I believe I'm significantly more to blame for that than she is. We both suffered greatly from out codependence and the resulting identity loss. So I knew the breakup was necessary at first and I actually initiated it. But she rejected my attempt to get back together. So she technically dumped me. It must be even a ot harder for you since she has a new boyfriend. I think six months is a lot and it´s also not about humiliating yourself, so I guess it´s time to back off a bit, without resentment. People who really care for each other forgive.I have forgiven her for everything that's happened. What is killing my love for her is the time. I started backing off about 4 weeks ago. I haven't initiated contact with her since then. But she has with me a few times. Up until 2 weeks ago, I was ready to take her back and forgive and move forward. But even after pulling back, she still didn't miss me. After that the pain has just gotten to be too much. It gets so overwhelming. I've had to let go to escaple these waves of pain that infiltrate and infect every aspect of my life. I guess it's just too hard to try to move forward with my life when I feel so hurt. Letting go is the only way to soften the hurt. So that's what I've been doing. And things have gradually been getting better. The pain has been a little easier to manage. This morning I'm not feeling so well. But I'll get myself out of it. Mornings are always the worst. strange love said...You said you are seeing her again.. has there been any sex? No sex. I haven't pushed for it. I don't know if she would have had sex with me if I had tried or not. But it just wouldn't have been a good idea if things were going to work out long term. I also decided early on that I would refrain from physical affection beyond hugs as long as we were broken up. I was very affectionate when we were together and so was she. I wanted her to have to miss that from me. Though I would have likely been easy to seduce. I've been dreading the moment she calls next. She almost always calls me on sundays. Now that I'm trying to let go, I really hate when she calls. Because it's almost certain to make me feel like garbage. Plus I have to deal with coming up with a excuse not to hang out in case she wants to. There's not much going on this week. People on here have recommended not answering when she calls and then call her back hours later or the next day when I really feel up to it. But that usually just makes me feel really anxious until I call her and get it over with. Half of me just wants to not answer her calls at all. Staying friends with her right now will just make letting go that much harder.
tokyo Posted February 27, 2005 Posted February 27, 2005 I think you should tell her very nicely that even though you miss her and liked to be with her, that you have to continue with your own life, because you can´t be available to her needs and at the same time ignore your own. I don´t think she may do it on purpose, but if she has a boyfriend then she should let you alone, because she already has taken a decision. If she is not sure what she wants, then why does she not take some time on her own to figure it out? If she´s seeing someone else and still comes running to you to get comfort or because she is missing you then it´s not fair and you have to let her know this. I don´t think her feelings for her new boyfriend can be so deep that she is not able to break up with him in order to find out what she really wants. I understand that people can be lonely and confused, but I find it unacceptable that the take their confusion out on someone else. In your case it does not only concerns you, but also the guy that she is seeing at the moment. I think you have the right that she treats you fairly and that also means not bothering you too much with her problems. You should talk with her about the situation. Don´t drop her completely, just because she doesn´t want to have a relationship with you, but do tell her that you need some time alone to get over the end of the relationship, but that it doesn´t mean that you won´t care for her as a friend in the future when you are ready. Thus she will know that you care for her, but that you will also not let yourself get used for her own comfort whenever it pleases her. If she had a problem with codependence then I think she should try to work it out on her own and not jump into the next relationship. Actually I would say she should not be in a relationship now, not even with you, because she doesn´t seem to be able to deal with problems on her own. And you should also take things slow and try to figure out what went wrong or why you were so dependent on this relationship. As she is seeing someone else already I guess it can´t get much worse and you have all the time in the world to set things right or/and work on yourself and heal your wounds. I mean, it can´t get worse, unless she´s going to marry him in the next time, that would be quite awful. But if she did, then she´s completely nuts and you can be lucky that you are out of this relationship. See, things can only get better now.
snoop_dawg22 Posted February 28, 2005 Posted February 28, 2005 Universe, I am so sorry to hear this. But you should be happy that you can let go and move on and find someone who wants to be with you. We are in the same boat. I had to let him go this weekend and that was the hardest thing in the world for me to do. But I wouldn't of done it if it wasn't for your words of encouragement. I think/can tell that you are a good person and you can do better. I know how you're feeling right now and I can only say to the both of us that it will get better.
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