Thewayitwas2 Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 If you have decided to be exclusive with someone and you both agree that you are in it for the long haul... Promising each other that you aren't talking to anyone else... What exactly does that mean when it comes to meeting new "friends"? Is it okay to flirt with other women? Is it okay to text with other women? I know my BF is doing this and for some reason I can't stop loving him. Last weekend he told me that one of his previous nurses (he's a doctor) was texting him asking him for job advice. And he said "and she says she misses me.." I said "what?" He said "well not in a romantic way... But that she misses laughing and spending her days with me.." I said "well that's interesting.." He changed the subject. But this stuff is killing me. I am SO head over heels for him. And this is just scaring me. Would you stay with a guy like this?
d0nnivain Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 It's OK to meet other people. I mean how can you avoid meeting new people? It's not OK to give members of the opposite sex the impression that you are free & might be interested in dating them. A little harmless flirting is OK in my book but many here may disagree; you do need to find somebody whose philosophy matches yours. Exclusive means you don't date others or act like you are trying to. 1
marcjb Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 (edited) That's not acceptable. If someone wants to be in a relationship but act single, they should just be single. What he's doing is not appropriate. The girl that he is texting with says that she misses him? Sorry, but there is only one way that you can miss someone. - Acquaintances of the opposite sex are fine. - "Friends" of the opposite sex who are not or do not become friends of the relationship are not. - "Friends" that a person has been intimately involved with before (flings, FWB, exes) are not ok and need to go. - Making new "friends" of the opposite sex is absolutely NO different than to continue dating and is not ok. - Texting is ok, again as long as it's just on the terms of being an acquaintance and meets the same criteria as above. Your boyfriend is insecure and likes attention from other females. Maybe you should ask him to read this: http://foundationrestoration.org/2012/07/the-rules-of-opposite-gender-friendships/ If your boyfriend has a problem creating boundaries with people, set yours and tell him that he can enjoy the single life because his actions are telling you that's what he wants. Edited August 6, 2014 by marcjb
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 6, 2014 Posted August 6, 2014 "Exclusive" or "being a couple" are pretty easy definitions... What's not clear is that you say you're "in it for the long haul." To me, that sounds like marriage, but that could very easily mean different things to different people, so maybe you need to actually discuss what you're both looking for in the relationship. Is it okay to flirt with other women? No. Is it okay to text with other women? Yes. I know my BF is doing this and for some reason I can't stop loving him. Last weekend he told me that one of his previous nurses (he's a doctor) was texting him asking him for job advice. And he said "and she says she misses me.." I said "what?" He said "well not in a romantic way... But that she misses laughing and spending her days with me.." I said "well that's interesting.." He changed the subject. But this stuff is killing me. I am SO head over heels for him. And this is just scaring me. Would you stay with a guy like this? Him flirting with other women is not okay. Him texting other women is fine. Them asking for job advice is fine. Them saying they "miss" him is fine; I miss friends regularly and I'm not looking to hook up with them. However, they could be using it as a way to get closer to him to eventually make a move. His flirting in this regard is also problematic, and he needs to stop.
Assasda Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 If you have decided to be exclusive with someone and you both agree that you are in it for the long haul... Promising each other that you aren't talking to anyone else... What exactly does that mean when it comes to meeting new "friends"? Is it okay to flirt with other women? Is it okay to text with other women? I know my BF is doing this and for some reason I can't stop loving him. Last weekend he told me that one of his previous nurses (he's a doctor) was texting him asking him for job advice. And he said "and she says she misses me.." I said "what?" He said "well not in a romantic way... But that she misses laughing and spending her days with me.." I said "well that's interesting.." He changed the subject. But this stuff is killing me. I am SO head over heels for him. And this is just scaring me. Would you stay with a guy like this? The jealously will break you up more than anything. Look into yourself, and say "Why am I insecure?" "Why do I think that I am not good enough for this man to love?" "At the end of the day, who does he love?" Ask yourself these questions and solve your insecurity problems
marcjb Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 (edited) The jealously will break you up more than anything. Look into yourself, and say "Why am I insecure?" "Why do I think that I am not good enough for this man to love?" "At the end of the day, who does he love?" Ask yourself these questions and solve your insecurity problems She is not the insecure one, he is. This guy wants the attention. There's two types of insecurity. The first is from within and is true insecurity. It does not involve any one else besides yourself: "I'm fat", "I'm not smart enough", "I'm ugly". The second is projected insecurity: Someone else creates a scenario such as this one of bringing another party into the picture. If the roles were reversed they would most likely feel the same way. Regardless of this, they try to justify their actions and project the blame onto you by calling you "jealous" and "insecure". Just as there is projected blame and "insecurity" here, there are two types of jealousy. Jealousy that is justified and that which is not. In a lot of cases, a partner will blame the other for jealousy that is very much justified (they would feel the same way if the shoe were on their foot). Edited August 7, 2014 by marcjb 1
Dork Vader Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 If you have decided to be exclusive with someone and you both agree that you are in it for the long haul... Promising each other that you aren't talking to anyone else... What exactly does that mean when it comes to meeting new "friends"? Is it okay to flirt with other women? Is it okay to text with other women? I know my BF is doing this and for some reason I can't stop loving him. Last weekend he told me that one of his previous nurses (he's a doctor) was texting him asking him for job advice. And he said "and she says she misses me.." I said "what?" He said "well not in a romantic way... But that she misses laughing and spending her days with me.." I said "well that's interesting.." He changed the subject. But this stuff is killing me. I am SO head over heels for him. And this is just scaring me. Would you stay with a guy like this? Texting I would not be overly concerned about unless it is noticeably intrusive to your relationship. The I miss you is sort of inappropriate sort of not. I have female friends and I have told them I missed them before. There is no romance to it and no motivation to it outside of the fact that I missed my friend. But these are close friends and not old co-workers and I have not seen them in months. But in all honesty I typically say it in a fashion of "I missed hanging out." something a long those lines. The flirting in most cases should not happen. But it depends how you define flirting. Flirting CAN be a way to get people to ease up. Where I think concern should pop up is when the flirting is continuous. I would not be overly concerned with it yet. Talk to him about boundaries and what you feel a monogamous relationship should be like. You might also talk about how social media and texting falls into that category and what would be defined as "cheating" via social media text. If you start to get the feeling there are no boundaries then start to get concerned.
Miss Awesome Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 If you have decided to be exclusive with someone and you both agree that you are in it for the long haul... Promising each other that you aren't talking to anyone else... What exactly does that mean when it comes to meeting new "friends"? It means you tell him that stuff like this is scaring you. It means you tell him what you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. You have to be able to talk to someone if you're going to be in it for the long haul.
fred123 Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 what about if you say i miss you baby and she says i miss you too. say ur both single is that inappropriate from her? do friends say that?
MidwestUSA Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 You've had a healthy dose of what this guy is about - constantly needing to be validated by any and all potential conquests, past and future. Since you seem hell bent on staying with him, it's time to adjust your mindset. Maybe to 'put up and shut up'. You've laid it out for him, he catches himself sometimes, but yet seems to enjoy taunting you with his ego strokes. Look back at all your threads questioning his behavior. There's no fool like a fool in love. Have you opted to give up your career and move across country for him yet?
Gaeta Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 I would not date your boyfriend. I like men that talk the talk and walk the walk. Your boyfriend talks, he's good at it, but he's not walking the walk with you.
solway86 Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Serious/exclusive dating means being together as a couple, not dating or texting others of the opposite sex (or same sex) in a suggestive manner and knowing where the boundaries lie. Texting others is fine, provided it's just "How r u" etc., nothing flirty, etc. just bland day-to-day stuff. It's only when texting gets out of hand it becomes something of an issue in a relationship dynamic. Being serious / exclusive as a couple would mean thinking about things like daily life, would you move to be nearer to me etc., career aspirations, family etc. , at least in my opinion. Exclusivity means forsaking all other potential partners for your current one. If you want multiple partners, stick to casual dating. I'd rather have a good, solid long-term exclusive relationship over a series of one-night stands and/or casual dates.
Ronni_W Posted August 7, 2014 Posted August 7, 2014 Promising each other that you aren't talking to anyone else... NO...being exclusive does NOT mean that you won't have long conversations, healthy discussions, random talks with members of opposite gender! It just has to be kept appropriate...no romantic overtures, flirting, talk, gestures, etc. It depends what he's texting about and how often he's texting to the same person...and, as someone else said, if it is intrusive or interfering with your normal, healthy relationship (not the one where there is insecurity or clinginess going on.) If he's just a sociable, generally charismatic kind of guy, that can come across as 'flirting' but isn't really what he's doing or trying to do. BUT...if it's with intent of trying to get more-or-less romantic attention or him acting as if he's single, then that's a red flag.
merrmeade Posted August 17, 2014 Posted August 17, 2014 (edited) My husband has given me free access to his computer as we work through post-affair efforts to reconcile. There's an email I found that he had written a co-worker who was in a position to help him when he was out of work. I told him about it several times, he never remembered it, always denied he'd been out of line with her as he knew he had been with other admitted (with difficulty) infidelities. Finally I just showed it to him. He looked shocked, acknowledged it was "inappropriate" and agreed it's how things can get started. I think that he - and probably other men, maybe women - develop one way of relating to the opposite sex. One. It's always personal. Always has undertones of flirting, teasing, flattering, always one on one. Problem is they follow general convention to a point and don't know when they cross the line. They have never been shown the line nor felt the need to learn it. You owe to to both of you to show him your line. Edited August 17, 2014 by merrmeade
DazedandConfused8 Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 what about if you say i miss you baby and she says i miss you too. say ur both single is that inappropriate from her? do friends say that? Missing a friend is appropriate. Some couples are not okay with "pet" names for friends (hun, baby, sweetie, etc). 1
todreaminblue Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 i think anything that is making you uncomfortable is something that needs to be discussed.....missing a friend is fine but yoru bf would know if that missing had a more in depth message..... i think you need to be honest as does he for his feelings and the friends feelings and how exactly serious they are.....exclusive means to me not even flirting or leading on guys or women..if youre single fine but not when you need to respect the guy or woman you are with...to me flirting is a sexual undertone......it is about all true friends respecting the relationship and having clearly defined boundaries as far as friendships go and making sure that you behave the same way in front of your partner as you would if they werent around...makes it pretty simple and defined....its honest ...honesty is simple.....lies and deceit are complex.........deb
mightycpa Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 - "Friends" of the opposite sex who are not or do not become friends of the relationship are not. - "Friends" that a person has been intimately involved with before (flings, FWB, exes) are not ok and need to go. - Making new "friends" of the opposite sex is absolutely NO different than to continue dating and is not ok.All three of these rules would be dealbreakers for me. I'd wonder why you're so insecure. I think that D0nnivain has it about right: you do need to find somebody whose philosophy matches yours. meaning, you should talk to him about where each of your boundaries are. 1
Shepp Posted August 18, 2014 Posted August 18, 2014 Sorry, but there is only one way that you can miss someone. I miss my dog when I'm away, doesn't mean I'm gonna leave my fiancée for him!!! - "Friends" of the opposite sex who are not or do not become friends of the relationship are not. - "Friends" that a person has been intimately involved with before (flings, FWB, exes) are not ok and need to go. - Making new "friends" of the opposite sex is absolutely NO different than to continue dating and is not ok. - Texting is ok, again as long as it's just on the terms of being an acquaintance and meets the same criteria as above. My headmistress set me rules when I was 8 not my gf! I'd take one look at a list like that and assume she doesn't have any trust or faith in me and that we might as well call it quits. You trust me or you don't - there's no middle ground.
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