Can't seem to forget her completely! [updated]

[disparate]

Hi everybody!

 

I've been a lurker on here for quite some time, and firstly let me say this is a great forum with so many helpful people.

 

My reason for posting here today is because I fee I'm on the edge of doing something stupid (breaking NC). Let me say that it has taken a lot for me to actually register and post this thread because generally (and this is just me, not saying it is true for everybody else on the site), I dislike feeling weak, and this makes me feel weak.

 

Now onto what happened, I will try to keep it as brief as possible.

 

It was a long distance relationship; we had been good friends for just over a year before we got together. The strange thing is that during the time we were friends; she had always been interested romantically whereas I wasn't at all but I guess through time and her persistence I began to really love her and we got together and it was crazy deep love, we were best friends and lovers and relied on each other so much. We both knew going into the relationship that there we would face major obstacles relating to us, without going into details, and we both agreed from the outset we'd fight to be together as much as we could.

 

The relationship was amazing and the long distance factor really didn't have a huge effect because we communicated so much. Of course it would had been easier had we lived closer or together but in general it didn't cause us any major problems. We did have some issues like any other relationship and throughout the year we were together, she always seemed to think I'd likely move on and just leave her so she was always begging me to never do that. This was not based on anything I did, just her perceptions. I assured her as much as I could that this would not happen. I was madly in love with her and was willing to back down on some pretty major principles I had just to be with her.

 

Towards the end of the relationship (maybe 2-3 weeks before, could be slightly longer), she began to constantly question whether we could ever be together without having personal/family problems. It was strange to me because we had always known what we faced from the outset and made a promise to each other to try our best, it seemed she didn't want to fight and wanted to take an easier path. I really felt betrayed, and eventually was very honest with her and told her to take some time out to think about what she wants to do because I wasn't willing to break it off. I knew I was giving her the opportunity she needed to breakup but tbh I had no choice because the way she was acting was unfair.

 

As expected, after two days of not speaking, she got back in touch and said after careful consideration, she felt we can't be together anymore. It didn't surprise me at all, regardless of her attempts at trying to claim it had been a difficult choice for her. For maybe around 2/3 days we argued a lot and I did the stupid thing of being extremely angry one minute and begging the next. It was all to no avail, she was being extremely cold and I couldn't really recognise her anymore.

 

This was just before Christmas 2013, so we stopped talking for maybe around a week or so, then I stupidly e-mailed her and she replied... small talk although I told her I missed her, she said she missed me too and was thinking of me all the time. She was still being reserved/cold. We talked for another few days, then I initiated NC because she was being too cold and it was hurting me. I maintained NC for almost two weeks, I had travelled home to visit and she knew this. The day I got back, I received a message from her saying she was sorry and knew it wasn't fair to message me but she just wanted to know how I was.

 

I didn't reply that night (I knew I shouldn't plus I was feeling a little better after being home). I replied the next night stupidly and it was like old times, it was really nice, she was emotional and really seemed to miss me but she was trying her utmost to hold back. We decided to speak and see if we could give it one last go. The next morning, she was back to her cold, mean self again, as if the night before hadn't happened and I knew I'd made a mistake but we continued talking for another week approx. (small talk and occasionally about getting back together etc, I begged stupidly again). In the end, again I initiated NC because she was hurting me and she pretty much flat out told me she felt nothing romantically towards me when we spoke, that I was just a friend to her. When we didn't speak she missed me! This hurt so much but I knew I just had to end it; I told her this and told her if she ever reconsidered, I'd be there (yet another stupid mistake).

 

Anyway, it's been almost 3 months now since that, and I haven't broken NC at all although I still have some messages that I haven't deleted. The beginning was hard but I was getting better and for days, sometimes more than a week I would only think of her minimally. I'm at a good place overall and progressing but lately (past week or two) have been really hard, I feel I've regressed and I've had this urge to just e-mail her or message her! I really hoped she would have come to her senses and gotten in touch by now but nope, nothing!

 

I guess she's enjoying her life, like I should be and like I have but I always have these days/weeks where I just feel so dreadful. I miss her so much and I'm so hurt that she's just moved on like this. Was it all lies?! I don't know.

 

I'm sorry I've ranted, and not sure if it all makes sense, as I've just been typing as I think and haven't proof-read the post. It wasn't so brief of a post after all but I just have so much I want to express, I probably haven't done that very well.

 

Thanks

[arghzme]

Sorry bro, doesn't seem like this can work out now. Just let her go. She will come back to you if it was meant to be. Forget her, focus on doing something you like - career, sports, working out etc.

 

I have been experiencing something very similar. My girl has also been very cold. I don't know why women do such things after a break up. (and I'm not trying to start a gender war here readers. We all have had enough fights already). Its been a little over a month for me. And my actual NC has been something like 10 days. Telling yourself that it was probably not meant to be and focusing on something you like really works.

 

Cheers mate,

DB

[mangetout]

No its not a gender thing as my ex never contacts me first. I am also battling with feelings of abandonment and whether I meant anything to my ex. Its a natural process of trying to let go.

 

 

OP DONT DO IT! You will sooo regret it. You have already told her that you are there for her if she has a change of mind.She knows this. She has your number. Don't give her this ego boost again. She doesn't deserve your time anymore!

 

 

Let it go. DO.NOT.BEG

 

 

Refocus on yourself. Stay strong.

[disparate]

Sorry bro, doesn't seem like this can work out now. Just let her go. She will come back to you if it was meant to be. Forget her, focus on doing something you like - career, sports, working out etc.

 

I have been experiencing something very similar. My girl has also been very cold. I don't know why women do such things after a break up. (and I'm not trying to start a gender war here readers. We all have had enough fights already). Its been a little over a month for me. And my actual NC has been something like 10 days. Telling yourself that it was probably not meant to be and focusing on something you like really works.

 

Cheers mate,

DB

 

You're right, deep down I know this was probably never meant to be and I know it's hope rather than expectation that she'll get back in touch.

 

The weirdest thing is if she even did contact me, I'm really not sure I'd even respond.

 

Thanks for your response mate.

 

No its not a gender thing as my ex never contacts me first. I am also battling with feelings of abandonment and whether I meant anything to my ex. Its a natural process of trying to let go.

 

 

OP DONT DO IT! You will sooo regret it. You have already told her that you are there for her if she has a change of mind.She knows this. She has your number. Don't give her this ego boost again. She doesn't deserve your time anymore!

 

 

Let it go. DO.NOT.BEG

 

 

Refocus on yourself. Stay strong.

 

I really know so well that I'll regret, not least because the reply (if I get one), will be extremely disheartening. One thing I do keep telling myself is that one day she (and all the other people who do similar), will realise one day what a huge mistake she made but it will be too late.

 

I gave her a massive ego boost and help when I responded to her, helped her on her way.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement guys

[mangetout]

And one day you will wake up feeling indifferent towards her and not caring whether she thinks its a mistake. This is when you know you have really moved on.

 

 

Focus on yourself and you will get there eventually

[disparate]

And one day you will wake up feeling indifferent towards her and not caring whether she thinks its a mistake. This is when you know you have really moved on.

 

 

Focus on yourself and you will get there eventually

 

That's my goal; waking up and feeling indifferent as to what she thinks or what she's doing! I know this is possible and I know it will happen, just need to keep battling on.

[mangetout]

It really is possible. It really is. I am 10 days into NC and this is the first time that I feel I am getting my power back. I am starting to feel positive that I will overcome my heartache and move forward.

 

 

I NEVER thought this way possible. He was my fiancé. The one. Couldn't live without him. You should have seen the way I begged and pleaded for four months after our BU. Man did he gloat...

 

 

But I have reversed the tables now. I am teaching myself not to care about it. And damn it feels good ;-)

[SCJACK]

I never understood that either... when the ex's become cold and say hurtful things... they would have never said it before in the relationship. Why all the sudden the chance of personalities? For one thing, I would never intentionally say hurtful things to my ex if I was the dumper.. Do they even know they are doing it? Why say things you don't mean?

[disparate]

I never understood that either... when the ex's become cold and say hurtful things... they would have never said it before in the relationship. Why all the sudden the chance of personalities? For one thing, I would never intentionally say hurtful things to my ex if I was the dumper.. Do they even know they are doing it? Why say things you don't mean?

 

I don't think I'll ever understand it...

 

One week they're in love and the next they feel you're a friend! That's just not possible, but then again we know that in most cases (and apologies but for me females are better at this), the dumper has been emotionally readying themselves for the BU for several weeks if not months and it's really easy to miss the warning signs. In hindsight, you can probably connect the dots and see more clearly.

 

But, I think in the grand scheme of things, it shouldn't matter why they said what they said and why they did what they did! Btw I still struggle with this, constantly questioning in my mind as to why and how this all happened but I'm optimistic that one day it will no longer matter and that I will realise that I'm better off without her, she walked away way too easily.

[Strength in Healing]

I never understood that either... when the ex's become cold and say hurtful things... they would have never said it before in the relationship. Why all the sudden the chance of personalities? For one thing, I would never intentionally say hurtful things to my ex if I was the dumper.. Do they even know they are doing it? Why say things you don't mean?

 

Good question, but it has multiple answers.

 

 

For example, for one, it could be that they made the breakup clear but the dumpee is not processing it yet, which becomes very annoying VERY fast to a dumper. I was never mean to anyone I broke up with, but in psychology, I can tell you that is one explanation.

 

Secondly, it could be for your own good. They could be being mean on purpose to push you away so you can heal. Or they could be doing it to make you hate them so you can move on faster.

 

 

Or they could just be idiots.

[anemptycup]

Good question, but it has multiple answers.

 

 

For example, for one, it could be that they made the breakup clear but the dumpee is not processing it yet, which becomes very annoying VERY fast to a dumper. I was never mean to anyone I broke up with, but in psychology, I can tell you that is one explanation.

 

Secondly, it could be for your own good. They could be being mean on purpose to push you away so you can heal. Or they could be doing it to make you hate them so you can move on faster.

 

 

Or they could just be idiots.

 

 

i sometimes wonder if my ex said that she slept with another guy (a week after our break-up) because she knew in my head that would mean the end... she even said to me 3 weeks after our break-up when i begged her for the first time in tears "i'd rather be alone than with you"

 

that one really stung - but then when we left - she was crying - so.. i think what you say has truth to it - sometimes it makes the break-up easier for both...

 

i think the TRUTH trumps all things... coz now i'm just left wondering...

[SCJACK]

I know it makes it easier for them to move on.. but why make people hate you so they can move on? Who wants to be hated? And then the dumpees will remember the mean things they said. I guess it doesn't matter... since the dumpers don't really seem to care what the other person thinks of them.. at that moment at least. But then it makes it seem like they never cared about the other person's feelings, by hurting them more and saying those things..

[bluelady]

I've gone through 2 hard break ups and here's what I've learned to answer some of your questions:

 

1. "Was it all lies?" Unless this person was a serious sociopath (doubt it), they obviously cared about you at some point. Of course they cared about you. Don't forget that! It's important because that means they know how wonderful it can be to be with you, but they're choosing not to be. Maybe they even care about you in some way now - but it's selfish. They don't want to be with you no matter how wonderful it can be. They know, and they're still choosing not to be. Period.

 

2. The reason why is really unimportant in the end. You're breaking up. People want closure but I think the most important closure is telling yourself this person doesn't want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, they would come running. They would apologize. They would beg. They wouldn't ever leave a thread of doubt. It won't be half-baked and they'll take their time to prove to you they want to be with you 100%. Anyone who breaks up with you and doesn't do that simply doesn't deserve you. They're just going to cause you more pain. Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you? Why would you want to be with someone who doubts it and could leave at any moment?

 

3. People can be really broken up and wishy-washy during break ups. Who can be completely stable during such a dramatic change? They're emotionally unstable and sometimes they can play with you when they're feeling alone or scared. They can be nice to get what they want, and mean when they don't. Stay strong. Don't put yourself in denial - you're breaking up.

 

4. It's going to be hard. Of course it is. You're going to be sad. You're going to be unhappy. At the end of the day though, you're going to get over it whether you want to or not. Sometimes I wouldn't want to get over it so badly - I wanted to hold onto the hope that I let myself be unhappy longer than I should have. Don't do this to yourself - it's a huge mistake! Finding someone who respects you and you love even more is a way better pay off.

 

5. Stay single for awhile until you learn what you want. Part of who you are when you're with someone is them - you have to figure out who you are without them before you try to add someone new. I think the day I realized I could be with someone else was when I knew someone could hurt me so badly, but I trusted and wanted them so much I was willing to risk it.

[arghzme]

I've gone through 2 hard break ups and here's what I've learned to answer some of your questions:

 

1. "Was it all lies?" Unless this person was a serious sociopath (doubt it), they obviously cared about you at some point. Of course they cared about you. Don't forget that! It's important because that means they know how wonderful it can be to be with you, but they're choosing not to be. Maybe they even care about you in some way now - but it's selfish. They don't want to be with you no matter how wonderful it can be. They know, and they're still choosing not to be. Period.

 

2. The reason why is really unimportant in the end. You're breaking up. People want closure but I think the most important closure is telling yourself this person doesn't want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, they would come running. They would apologize. They would beg. They wouldn't ever leave a thread of doubt. It won't be half-baked and they'll take their time to prove to you they want to be with you 100%. Anyone who breaks up with you and doesn't do that simply doesn't deserve you. They're just going to cause you more pain. Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you? Why would you want to be with someone who doubts it and could leave at any moment?

 

3. People can be really broken up and wishy-washy during break ups. Who can be completely stable during such a dramatic change? They're emotionally unstable and sometimes they can play with you when they're feeling alone or scared. They can be nice to get what they want, and mean when they don't. Stay strong. Don't put yourself in denial - you're breaking up.

 

4. It's going to be hard. Of course it is. You're going to be sad. You're going to be unhappy. At the end of the day though, you're going to get over it whether you want to or not. Sometimes I wouldn't want to get over it so badly - I wanted to hold onto the hope that I let myself be unhappy longer than I should have. Don't do this to yourself - it's a huge mistake! Finding someone who respects you and you love even more is a way better pay off.

 

5. Stay single for awhile until you learn what you want. Part of who you are when you're with someone is them - you have to figure out who you are without them before you try to add someone new. I think the day I realized I could be with someone else was when I knew someone could hurt me so badly, but I trusted and wanted them so much I was willing to risk it.

 

Wow. Love what you have written here. I think you just summarized everything on this break up forum for us!

[disparate]

So lately I've had more good days than bad days but the past day or two have sucked. Although I've been surrounded by friends and I've had a good time; she's been on my mind a lot! I just wish she'd reach out and speak to me!!

I won't break NC although I really feel like e-mailing her...

[jphcbpa]

 

2. The reason why is really unimportant in the end. You're breaking up. People want closure but I think the most important closure is telling yourself this person doesn't want to be with you. If they wanted to be with you, they would come running. They would apologize. They would beg. They wouldn't ever leave a thread of doubt. It won't be half-baked and they'll take their time to prove to you they want to be with you 100%. Anyone who breaks up with you and doesn't do that simply doesn't deserve you. They're just going to cause you more pain. Don't you want to be with someone who wants to be with you? Why would you want to be with someone who doubts it and could leave at any moment?

 

 

really solid stuff

[sooshi]

I love your post, bluelady. Great stuff.

 

You're doing great, disparate. Keep going.

[Simon Phoenix]

I know it makes it easier for them to move on.. but why make people hate you so they can move on? Who wants to be hated? And then the dumpees will remember the mean things they said. I guess it doesn't matter... since the dumpers don't really seem to care what the other person thinks of them.. at that moment at least. But then it makes it seem like they never cared about the other person's feelings, by hurting them more and saying those things..

 

While I've never done this to a woman I've seriously dated, when I was younger I definitely went out of my way to ignore/stay away/dismiss women that I had hooked up with and had no interest of pursuing any further relationship with. I didn't care if they hated me -- in fact, I was hoping they did hate me and blamed things on me being an a--hole instead of them thinking there was something wrong with them. I figured them vilifying me was a lot better than them blaming themselves.

 

Not saying that was the right thing to do, but that's the logic and that's why dumpees shouldn't walk on eggshells and worry about what their dumpers think of them and how they'll perceive what they do. Because in a lot of cases, the dumper really couldn't care less.

[disparate]

I haven't really been online in a while because I've been busy with work and other things but thought I'd come on and give an update and vent I guess?!

 

Been approx 5 months of No I think, haven't really been counting so could be slightly more and I guess day to day living has gotten a lot easier in terms of being able to function and generally enjoy myself.

 

But, there has to be a but doesn't there?!

 

Whenever I'm being intimate with another female or I'm dating etc she's always on my mind and it makes me so sad. I can't help but compare the other girls to her, and yes I'm perfectly aware that I'm picturing her in a perfect light but I can't help that. It's unfair on the girls I've dated because they've been really great girls but I can't get my ex out of my mind. It's most prominent when I'm with another lady and especially if we're being intimate... It completely ruins the moment for me and a few times I've been asked what's wrong so it clearly shows to the other person.

 

Been getting crazy thoughts of getting in touch with her the past few days hence why I thought I'd post on here.

 

God, I want her back so badly!! Why can't she just get in touch...

[FitnessRN]

I haven't really been online in a while because I've been busy with work and other things but thought I'd come on and give an update and vent I guess?!

 

Been approx 5 months of No I think, haven't really been counting so could be slightly more and I guess day to day living has gotten a lot easier in terms of being able to function and generally enjoy myself.

 

But, there has to be a but doesn't there?!

 

Whenever I'm being intimate with another female or I'm dating etc she's always on my mind and it makes me so sad. I can't help but compare the other girls to her, and yes I'm perfectly aware that I'm picturing her in a perfect light but I can't help that. It's unfair on the girls I've dated because they've been really great girls but I can't get my ex out of my mind. It's most prominent when I'm with another lady and especially if we're being intimate... It completely ruins the moment for me and a few times I've been asked what's wrong so it clearly shows to the other person.

 

Been getting crazy thoughts of getting in touch with her the past few days hence why I thought I'd post on here.

 

God, I want her back so badly!! Why can't she just get in touch...

 

 

 

Upgrade from her...there are 1000's of better ones that are way out of her league.

[edgygirl]

I totally get you. I'm a woman and it's been only 18 days since my breakup so I haven't been intimate with anyone. But I'm trying to move on and talking with other people. I compare every single guy I talk to him. And I also think it's not fair to them. I found it curious to read from your post that guys can feel the same... sometimes we think they just move on easily and want to sleep around.

 

I wonder if my ex is already dating and if he remembers me this way as well... missing me

 

Do you know anything about what's going on in her life?

 

 

Whenever I'm being intimate with another female or I'm dating etc she's always on my mind and it makes me so sad. I can't help but compare the other girls to her, and yes I'm perfectly aware that I'm picturing her in a perfect light but I can't help that. It's unfair on the girls I've dated because they've been really great girls but I can't get my ex out of my mind. It's most prominent when I'm with another lady and especially if we're being intimate... It completely ruins the moment for me and a few times I've been asked what's wrong so it clearly shows to the other person.

 

Been getting crazy thoughts of getting in touch with her the past few days hence why I thought I'd post on here.

 

God, I want her back so badly!! Why can't she just get in touch...

[disparate]

I guess it completely depends on the guy or girl as to whether they just sleep around etc.

 

I have absolutely no idea what's going on in her life. Does she miss me? Has she moved on to anther relationship? What she's doing career wise? Sometimes I wish I could know because I feel of I found out for sure that she'd moved on it would help me because there's always the hope that she actually regrets ending everything and wants me/us back but I have to be strong and not reach out. If she wants me back then she's going to have to make the effort otherwise I guess I was never worth the effort for her which really means she's not worth my time.

 

I just feel if after almost 6 months my feelings are just s strong at times then maybe they're always going to remain so which will definitely suck and affect any future relationships I may have.

 

I totally get you. I'm a woman and it's been only 18 days since my breakup so I haven't been intimate with anyone. But I'm trying to move on and talking with other people. I compare every single guy I talk to him. And I also think it's not fair to them. I found it curious to read from your post that guys can feel the same... sometimes we think they just move on easily and want to sleep around.

 

I wonder if my ex is already dating and if he remembers me this way as well... missing me

 

Do you know anything about what's going on in her life?

[FitnessRN]

I totally get you. I'm a woman and it's been only 18 days since my breakup so I haven't been intimate with anyone. But I'm trying to move on and talking with other people. I compare every single guy I talk to him. And I also think it's not fair to them. I found it curious to read from your post that guys can feel the same... sometimes we think they just move on easily and want to sleep around.

 

I wonder if my ex is already dating and if he remembers me this way as well... missing me

 

Do you know anything about what's going on in her life?

 

 

 

I wouldn't care, you're done with him, it will be over faster than you know of it..but never compare your ex to somebody else.

 

 

One date I went with a girl and she compared me to her ex immediately ha ha..she told me shes glad I don't play a instrument. I asked why..she said both of her ex's did lol...I told her "ummm do you know how many millions of people in the world play a instrument..I guess they are all like your ex (making a bash at her remark due to knowing shes on the rebound).

[disparate]

Been having a mixture of good and bad days!

 

I don't know what's causing this but I feel I've taken a few steps back lately even though I absolutely haven't broken NC.

 

I was thinking earlier about reaching out to her and reasoning that what's the worst that could happen but then I reminded myself that if I was worth anything to her she would be the one who would reach out and apologise.

 

I just wish I could know how she feels. Is she hurting as much as I am? Is she happy she's moved on? Does she even think of me? of us?

 

I'm just venting again, but any words of advice are welcome because I really am struggling.

 

Just as an idea of how long I've been on NC; it's approaching 6 months now. I was hoping that by now I'd be indifferent towards her but I feel so far from that and at this moment in time I feel that's never going to happen.

 

The weird thing is even when I think logically and remember all the bad times and all her flaws I still want her back!

[ProcessingThisBU]

disparate

 

Maybe you have been a little lonely lately? I have discovered that when I'm lonely or tedious I start to think about her, and if I let thinking going without stopping it, I found myself almost calling her. Last weekend it was hell for me. I felt terrible because I almost break NC. I don't know but maybe is your case. It's been 4 months since BU (LC) and 1 month 1 week of strict NC for me. I was feeling better but last weekend was a tough one. Keep going man, do not break NC, when I was almost doing it, I thought "what I am going to get if I do this?" Think about that. Nothing good comes from breaking NC. I wish you the best.